When the rest of the world thinks your A is WONDERFUL....
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When the rest of the world thinks your A is WONDERFUL....
I've been divorced from my alcoholic husband for (wow!) 15 years and it STILL bothers me that the rest of the world thinks he is just a stellar human being. And, to them, he is! But behind closed doors he was emotionally and physically abusive, drank and blacked out several times a week, damaged our hard-earned property, drove drunk, and cheated on me.
Our 17 yo daughter has even severed her relationship with him because of his drinking and, most of all, because of his firm denial of the problems it has caused.
....and the world still thinks he is a great guy and that it must all be because there is something wrong with me.
I try really hard not to worry about what other people think, and for the most part I have been successful, but this one thing still pains me.
It hurts....but I've learned to live with it.
I know I'm not alone here.
Our 17 yo daughter has even severed her relationship with him because of his drinking and, most of all, because of his firm denial of the problems it has caused.
....and the world still thinks he is a great guy and that it must all be because there is something wrong with me.
I try really hard not to worry about what other people think, and for the most part I have been successful, but this one thing still pains me.
It hurts....but I've learned to live with it.
I know I'm not alone here.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
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Heck no, you are not alone! My A is the life of the party and the go-to guy at work.
It lends itself to that feeling of insanity, doesn't it? I'm guessing detaching is the answer here. Detach, detach, detach. Tough stuff.
It lends itself to that feeling of insanity, doesn't it? I'm guessing detaching is the answer here. Detach, detach, detach. Tough stuff.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
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Hey, my AH tells me all the time, "I'm the greatest guy you'd ever know" and "Everyone LOVES me--you're the only one who doesn't." People do love him. There's a lot to love, frankly. But it's only half of the picture. The other half they don't see.
So, yes, I hear ya, but don't let it bother you. The world is filled with illusion.
So, yes, I hear ya, but don't let it bother you. The world is filled with illusion.
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
Yeah, everyone thought my dad was just a model of selflessness.
Needed your driveway plowed and you lived 10 miles out of town? He'll be there! Work endless hours building small bridges, filling potholes and working on the roads? He was your man! (He was a road comissioner in downstate rural Illinois).
He was also unapologetically nasty, absent and a compulsive cheater. He didn't give a damn whether his family lived or died and in the winter, would often leave no wood for the furnace during the day. He was happy to stoke it high during the night when he would be there sleeping, but while he was gone during the day he didn't give a damn that his wife (who, after a radical masectomy in the 1950's had half the muscle removed from under her right armpit) and his 2 schoolage daughters would be left to somehow split and pack wood. Didn't care if the bills were paid as long as he could get what he wanted. Cheated with anyone who would oblige him and we lost many family friends because he would persist in pestering their wives for sex until they quit coming over.
So yeah, I get it.
But you know the truth. And we do too. Let others think what they want. Remember, "Those who matter get it; those who don't get it, don't matter."
Stay strong.
Needed your driveway plowed and you lived 10 miles out of town? He'll be there! Work endless hours building small bridges, filling potholes and working on the roads? He was your man! (He was a road comissioner in downstate rural Illinois).
He was also unapologetically nasty, absent and a compulsive cheater. He didn't give a damn whether his family lived or died and in the winter, would often leave no wood for the furnace during the day. He was happy to stoke it high during the night when he would be there sleeping, but while he was gone during the day he didn't give a damn that his wife (who, after a radical masectomy in the 1950's had half the muscle removed from under her right armpit) and his 2 schoolage daughters would be left to somehow split and pack wood. Didn't care if the bills were paid as long as he could get what he wanted. Cheated with anyone who would oblige him and we lost many family friends because he would persist in pestering their wives for sex until they quit coming over.
So yeah, I get it.
But you know the truth. And we do too. Let others think what they want. Remember, "Those who matter get it; those who don't get it, don't matter."
Stay strong.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
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I had that problem with my XH and he wasn't even an alcoholic. He had mental health issues which surfaced as mental abuse to me and #1 son.
Everybody thinks he's wonderful. I did discover the other day that one of his only friends decided he wasn't all that he seemed.
The only thing that has ever bothered me is if he has bad mouthed me to other people. So far he has said I am loaded (due to my dad dying in 2005, money doesn't last long if you need it) and also I don't sort the washing right. You know, whites in one pile, blacks in another etc. I came back with- what does it matter if everything is done on 40 anyway. Sad sad man.
Everybody thinks he's wonderful. I did discover the other day that one of his only friends decided he wasn't all that he seemed.
The only thing that has ever bothered me is if he has bad mouthed me to other people. So far he has said I am loaded (due to my dad dying in 2005, money doesn't last long if you need it) and also I don't sort the washing right. You know, whites in one pile, blacks in another etc. I came back with- what does it matter if everything is done on 40 anyway. Sad sad man.
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This is where I think that I'm supposed to tell you to detach, but if it were all that easy then you wouldn't have posted.
You state clearly that you've been divorced 15 years. You also say that the "world" still thinks he's a wonderful guy, and that it's all because something is wrong with you.
The "whole world" thinks he's wonderful? Really? The whole world?
Who thinks he's a nice guy? Co-workers who've never lived with him? Perhaps a mutual friend, family member or acquaintance from your past who hasn't lived with him. Other drunks? Other jerks (men or women) who've neglected their own families and obligations? Your ex mother-in-law or his sibling perhaps? Maybe even one or two decent people, who haven't lived with him like your XAH. (I'm just guessing here).
Each of us views the world through our own experience and deeply held beliefs. I think it's impossible for us to agree on everything.
When someone expresses an opinion that pushes on of my buttons, I might not like it very much. Here's what saves me---does anything this person says affect my critical interests? Does what this person thinks affect my critical interests?
Am I gonna starve because this person likes my X.? Nope
Am I gonna lose my home because this person likes my X. Nope.
Will my daughters pack up and run away from home because this person like my X? Nope.
Will I lose my income because this person likes my X? Nope.
See what I mean? In the big scheme of things it's just doesn't matter if a few people like your X.
Honey, put his picture up on the wall when you girls are sleeping. Throw a few darts at it. You'll feel better.
You state clearly that you've been divorced 15 years. You also say that the "world" still thinks he's a wonderful guy, and that it's all because something is wrong with you.
The "whole world" thinks he's wonderful? Really? The whole world?
Who thinks he's a nice guy? Co-workers who've never lived with him? Perhaps a mutual friend, family member or acquaintance from your past who hasn't lived with him. Other drunks? Other jerks (men or women) who've neglected their own families and obligations? Your ex mother-in-law or his sibling perhaps? Maybe even one or two decent people, who haven't lived with him like your XAH. (I'm just guessing here).
Each of us views the world through our own experience and deeply held beliefs. I think it's impossible for us to agree on everything.
When someone expresses an opinion that pushes on of my buttons, I might not like it very much. Here's what saves me---does anything this person says affect my critical interests? Does what this person thinks affect my critical interests?
Am I gonna starve because this person likes my X.? Nope
Am I gonna lose my home because this person likes my X. Nope.
Will my daughters pack up and run away from home because this person like my X? Nope.
Will I lose my income because this person likes my X? Nope.
See what I mean? In the big scheme of things it's just doesn't matter if a few people like your X.
Honey, put his picture up on the wall when you girls are sleeping. Throw a few darts at it. You'll feel better.
Last edited by Verbena; 01-16-2011 at 08:50 AM. Reason: correct some punctuation
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Yes, this was and is the case with my XAABF.
The truth is he can be both....one of the most incredible, talented, smartest, funniest, popular and compassionate people I will ever meet.
and one of the most messed up, meanest, selfish, self-serving, lying, drinking and faithless people I will ever meet.
If he were a total a-hole, I wouldn't have loved him and had such a hard time leaving him. (being left and sticking to it, really)
He remains immensely well liked and popular.
No one lived with what I did and I wasn't the kind to be talking about it to everyone..they probably would have thought I provoked him anyway, I discovered that.
Regular folk are not going to get it. They haven't lived with abuse and addiction..so there is no reason that they would.
In truth, I still love those aspects of him that hooked me so deeply...it is no wonder other people respond to those.
I shake my head at the people who have seen the other side..law enforcement officials for example, that still take up for him tho'.
Seems sufficient charisma covers a multitude of sins.
But if it was so hard for me to take a stand, it must be that much harder for others to see and act accordingly.
There are a few people who once they saw it that was it with them. I think, really it is about half and half.
I just don't see the people who wrote him off at the first go round as much as the ones who stick around.
It doesn't bother me as much as it once did.
His life hasn't worked out wonderfully well and he lost me...and he does continue to miss me.
Petty or not, that is a bit of revenge I do like....that there was also only one of me.
The truth is he can be both....one of the most incredible, talented, smartest, funniest, popular and compassionate people I will ever meet.
and one of the most messed up, meanest, selfish, self-serving, lying, drinking and faithless people I will ever meet.
If he were a total a-hole, I wouldn't have loved him and had such a hard time leaving him. (being left and sticking to it, really)
He remains immensely well liked and popular.
No one lived with what I did and I wasn't the kind to be talking about it to everyone..they probably would have thought I provoked him anyway, I discovered that.
Regular folk are not going to get it. They haven't lived with abuse and addiction..so there is no reason that they would.
In truth, I still love those aspects of him that hooked me so deeply...it is no wonder other people respond to those.
I shake my head at the people who have seen the other side..law enforcement officials for example, that still take up for him tho'.
Seems sufficient charisma covers a multitude of sins.
But if it was so hard for me to take a stand, it must be that much harder for others to see and act accordingly.
There are a few people who once they saw it that was it with them. I think, really it is about half and half.
I just don't see the people who wrote him off at the first go round as much as the ones who stick around.
It doesn't bother me as much as it once did.
His life hasn't worked out wonderfully well and he lost me...and he does continue to miss me.
Petty or not, that is a bit of revenge I do like....that there was also only one of me.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
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Fifteen years is a long time.
Is this a 'every now andthen it still gets to me'
or is it a daily thing?
there's a difference.
My mother was a 'setter' upper'
something I'vfe come to call a 'tweener'.
Before letting me meet anyone
she'd already 'set it up'
so that I was perceived
in a certain way.
When I was friends with a kid
she'd wedge in between with their parents
so that I was seen as a problem...
and they'd always go to HER...first.
That's a 'tweener'.
In my book.
SO anyhow that was forty something years ago.
Every now and then I'll get bugged by it
when triggered by something else
or when I'm tired.
And that's usually the ONLY time I think of it
any more.
Is this a 'every now andthen it still gets to me'
or is it a daily thing?
there's a difference.
My mother was a 'setter' upper'
something I'vfe come to call a 'tweener'.
Before letting me meet anyone
she'd already 'set it up'
so that I was perceived
in a certain way.
When I was friends with a kid
she'd wedge in between with their parents
so that I was seen as a problem...
and they'd always go to HER...first.
That's a 'tweener'.
In my book.
SO anyhow that was forty something years ago.
Every now and then I'll get bugged by it
when triggered by something else
or when I'm tired.
And that's usually the ONLY time I think of it
any more.
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Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr 
After being divorced for 15 years, why do you have any contact with him?
It's not the contact that bothers me. I can handle that.
It's when I hear that my sister sent him a Christmas card or that they stopped by his house while in the neighborhood. And when they are perplexed because my daughter has stopped talking to him.... They don't know about the night he kicked her bedroom door in as she was trying to study for important finals. They don't know that he once threw me on the ground and almost choked me to death. They don't know that he had his 16 year old son in a choke hold til he almost passed out. They don't know that he pees in the bed. They don't know because I choose not to share that information with my sister because she is a horrible gossip. My sister tells everyone that I am selfish and that I tore my family apart and THAT is why my kids have emotional and behavioral issues.
THAT hurts.
So I had to cut my sister out of my life. Not really such a huge loss, but still a loss.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
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With my ABF, if he didn't have positive qualities, I wouldn't have fallen for him much less stayed with him for as long as I did. I still constantly need reminders myself (now I'm reminding myself, though) about that bad side of him.
That said, he seems like a narcissistic co-dependant to me. (I never even knew there was such a thing! But that's the best I can describe it.)
People with no emotional stake in him or his well being, he'll go to the ends of the earth to help them on the tiniest problem.
People who DO have an emotional stake, however... He views it as he is entitled to 100% of their attention.
It's not normal, but it's normal for him - and it means that people who know him, but not very well, love him, and those who know him very well try to stay away.
That said, he seems like a narcissistic co-dependant to me. (I never even knew there was such a thing! But that's the best I can describe it.)
People with no emotional stake in him or his well being, he'll go to the ends of the earth to help them on the tiniest problem.
People who DO have an emotional stake, however... He views it as he is entitled to 100% of their attention.
It's not normal, but it's normal for him - and it means that people who know him, but not very well, love him, and those who know him very well try to stay away.
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oh, sh!t, TJP
I had a similar scenario with my first XH (different guy) ...while we were divorcing and after...my sister came to town and visited and partied with him and didn't even come visit me. That was just one of the things she did that cut me to the core. (of course, I didn't find out for years)
It has taken me 20 years (just very recently!!) to figure out how that could have happened (believe me, she wouldn't have tolerated such a disloyalty!!).
I just recently realized that she is also an alcoholic, so partying buddies were more important to her.
She knew I wouldn't have gone out to the clubs and etc.
She involved my children and etc in those secrets.
I cut her out for a few years. Now I am at that point again. I am still learning things I didn't know at the time that went on.
It disgusts me. Totally.
I do not need that kind of "family"
I had a similar scenario with my first XH (different guy) ...while we were divorcing and after...my sister came to town and visited and partied with him and didn't even come visit me. That was just one of the things she did that cut me to the core. (of course, I didn't find out for years)
It has taken me 20 years (just very recently!!) to figure out how that could have happened (believe me, she wouldn't have tolerated such a disloyalty!!).
I just recently realized that she is also an alcoholic, so partying buddies were more important to her.
She knew I wouldn't have gone out to the clubs and etc.
She involved my children and etc in those secrets.
I cut her out for a few years. Now I am at that point again. I am still learning things I didn't know at the time that went on.
It disgusts me. Totally.
I do not need that kind of "family"
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
totally understand, tjp...with mine, he is so charming. it's wholly an act when he wants something from someone. they know how to play the game. mine was an actor.
mine also liked to be "the big man"...go into bars and buy rounds for everyone when we had no electricity in the house. loan our money to a friend and leave me with nothing.
no one really had any idea, except his family.
mine also liked to be "the big man"...go into bars and buy rounds for everyone when we had no electricity in the house. loan our money to a friend and leave me with nothing.
no one really had any idea, except his family.
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Manchester UK
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My brother was the same!
Wonderful guy to all his friends and everyone who knew him, he'd do anything for anyone.
His wife may tell a different story if she could, but she never did.
Neither did his son for a long time.
The 'Secret Life of the Alcoholic' is the one that seems to hurt the most, and it's the one that should be told the loudest. Unfortunately I know it's not so simple.
Wonderful guy to all his friends and everyone who knew him, he'd do anything for anyone.
His wife may tell a different story if she could, but she never did.
Neither did his son for a long time.
The 'Secret Life of the Alcoholic' is the one that seems to hurt the most, and it's the one that should be told the loudest. Unfortunately I know it's not so simple.
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Join Date: Aug 2007
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My AH husband is the same way. He's very friendly and likeable and those are qualities that attracted me to him in the first place. However, when he's drinking, he gets even more friendly but less likeable. He starts to ramble on and on to anyone who will listen to him. We often dance and when we are dancing, he even looks around to see if anyone not dancing is watching him. He is the star of his own show. I've tired of his show over the years, but many people like him and don't see that this act is annoying. Since joining al-anon though, I've realized that more people than I thought, do know that he's an alcoholic. Through al-anon and my God, I've learned of other friends that I didn't even know were involved in the program. Besides that, God has revealed to me in many ways that there are recovering alcoholics everywhere and they totally get what he's doing.
So, my point is, don't assume that others don't know. Some will never know or understand, but I'm sure there are plenty of people who know him and know his true identity. Hope this helps in some small way.
So, my point is, don't assume that others don't know. Some will never know or understand, but I'm sure there are plenty of people who know him and know his true identity. Hope this helps in some small way.
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I can't contribute my experiences on this thread, because my family pretty much broke out the festive garb and started dancing in the streets when I left my X. He most definitely doesn't fall into the "everyone else likes him" category.
I can see, though, how that would be a hurtful place to be in, to have your family in effect second-guessing your decision to leave him.
I have his family against me -- not because they don't think he's difficult and not because they don't think he's an alcoholic (much as we've tried to keep it hidden from them), but because now that he's sober, it is my duty to stand by my man.
Whatever other people think, they're just opinions (and you know what they say about opinions, right? Everybody has one...). They haven't walked even a step in your moccasins, so it's easy for them to be magnanimous and forgiving and feel sorry for the "nice guy" you left.
If there's one thing this whole business has taught me, it's to never judge by outside appearances. Guys in expensive Italian wool suits beat their wives and snort coke. Women with frequent-flyer cards at designer stores drink themselves into a stupors behind closed doors. Overachieving straight-A students are belittled by their drunk mothers at home.
If there's one thing this whole business has taught me, it's that when someone leaves their spouse, they always have a reason. And things are very rarely what they seem to outsiders.
I can see, though, how that would be a hurtful place to be in, to have your family in effect second-guessing your decision to leave him.
I have his family against me -- not because they don't think he's difficult and not because they don't think he's an alcoholic (much as we've tried to keep it hidden from them), but because now that he's sober, it is my duty to stand by my man.
Whatever other people think, they're just opinions (and you know what they say about opinions, right? Everybody has one...). They haven't walked even a step in your moccasins, so it's easy for them to be magnanimous and forgiving and feel sorry for the "nice guy" you left.
If there's one thing this whole business has taught me, it's to never judge by outside appearances. Guys in expensive Italian wool suits beat their wives and snort coke. Women with frequent-flyer cards at designer stores drink themselves into a stupors behind closed doors. Overachieving straight-A students are belittled by their drunk mothers at home.
If there's one thing this whole business has taught me, it's that when someone leaves their spouse, they always have a reason. And things are very rarely what they seem to outsiders.
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This does hit a cord with me.
My family knows me well enough that if I take extreme measures against someone and so do my children there is more than sufficient reason for it. In fact the scope of it is probably more than what they want to know and I don't want to demean myself in explaining it for their justification.
If I say to my dad so and so is an a-hole. He knows that I have many good and true reasons for even saying such a thing to him in the first place and that, indeed, he can count it as true that such and such is an a-hole and it would be a betrayal towards me to treat that person friendly-like.
SO, someone breaks into my house, robs me and beats me up..but he hasn't done anything bad to you so it doesn't count? I see that attitude alot.
Gee, I am glad the courts still think it matters. slaps hand to head! argh!
and I am not speaking to any poster here..I am speaking of my experiences.
My family knows me well enough that if I take extreme measures against someone and so do my children there is more than sufficient reason for it. In fact the scope of it is probably more than what they want to know and I don't want to demean myself in explaining it for their justification.
If I say to my dad so and so is an a-hole. He knows that I have many good and true reasons for even saying such a thing to him in the first place and that, indeed, he can count it as true that such and such is an a-hole and it would be a betrayal towards me to treat that person friendly-like.
SO, someone breaks into my house, robs me and beats me up..but he hasn't done anything bad to you so it doesn't count? I see that attitude alot.
Gee, I am glad the courts still think it matters. slaps hand to head! argh!
and I am not speaking to any poster here..I am speaking of my experiences.
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Rayn, It really, really, really wasn't aimed at you! That is why I said it wasn't aimed at posters. We are discussing this together.
I am speaking of me and my family and how they know me to be. You see, I would deal with everything on my own and not tell them things because they might tell me to get out of the relationship and I didn't want to hear that and I didn't want to turn them against him. So, from my personality and history..by the time I SAY I have had enough, it has gone too, too far. You can count on it.
You don't know me that well.
and at the same time, I talk about alot of things here that I don't talk about to my real life people.
I think I was speaking of my "family rules"..as it was my sister hanging and partying with my XH and I can identify how hurtful that is.
Some women do tell their families but most abused women do not. There is an inappropriate "shame" attached to it.
My family may be screwed up. Loyalty is just a big issue with me. another reason I hid bad things from them, I was loyal to that person..until I wasn't.
You can talk to your mom in a way I can't and never will be able to, Rayn. I think that is a wonderful thing.
and yes, I consider you a dear friend.
I was thinking of the way I was treated..not in response to what you said. I was all ready thinking of my post before I even scanned yours.
I had IRL gal-friends who did know what had gone on as it happened and after we parted still hung on to being friends with him.
I am speaking of me and my family and how they know me to be. You see, I would deal with everything on my own and not tell them things because they might tell me to get out of the relationship and I didn't want to hear that and I didn't want to turn them against him. So, from my personality and history..by the time I SAY I have had enough, it has gone too, too far. You can count on it.
You don't know me that well.
and at the same time, I talk about alot of things here that I don't talk about to my real life people.
I think I was speaking of my "family rules"..as it was my sister hanging and partying with my XH and I can identify how hurtful that is.
Some women do tell their families but most abused women do not. There is an inappropriate "shame" attached to it.
My family may be screwed up. Loyalty is just a big issue with me. another reason I hid bad things from them, I was loyal to that person..until I wasn't.
You can talk to your mom in a way I can't and never will be able to, Rayn. I think that is a wonderful thing.
and yes, I consider you a dear friend.
I was thinking of the way I was treated..not in response to what you said. I was all ready thinking of my post before I even scanned yours.
I had IRL gal-friends who did know what had gone on as it happened and after we parted still hung on to being friends with him.
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My sister's issues run pretty deep and no matter what I tell her she would manage to turn it around to others behind my back -- to make HERSELF look like a model human. She's just very insecure. She has never supported me (and I mean NEVER) through any trial or tribulation I've been through. Like I said, it wasn't much of a loss.
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