tryintosmile

Haven't been here for a while. The A situation never changed but the logistics did. Not sure why I didn't take the opportunity to leave when I could but we sold our house and moved to a beautiful little town, due to his work transfer. He didn't stop drinking but was much happier in general. He didn't stop being abusive, but it wasn't 'quite' as bad. It's hard to be too angry when you finally have what you've wanted for so long. He did smash a beautiful sliding glass door off its hinges the first month we were here - in a drunken temper flash - but there have been some peaceful moments.

Last weekend we were taking all of the holiday decorations down. I wanted to keep out a set of white lights we'd had in the bay window because they lit it up so nicely, just running along the bottom so you couldn't see them, but lighting up the area with the plants and all. He flipped and said we weren't living like that (like what?). Anyway - I was adamant and in the end he smashed them on the floor. It was just one more demonstration of the anger I've come to hate, so I camped out somewhere else for the day.

He decided it was time to quit drinking. Good choice, of course, but sometimes it's just too little to late. He hasn't had a drop for 7 days and I've been walking on eggshells. He doesn't talk much when he quits, but this is the longest he's ever gone on his own (not including hospital visit for operation). Last night he was antsy and started in on me and all of my faults. I'm a messy person, but generally keep the main areas clean. My own room is always a mess because I've always got something on the go and am a mini-hoarder. He's OCPD (I believe) and it is likely why he's an alcoholic. He blames my not keeping things perfect as his reason for drinking. The kitchen always has to be spotless, which is hard for me some days (as I have chronic pain and bad 'flare days'). He believes that since I'm on disability that I should be 'the maid'. If we minus the cost of alcohol, I bring in more $$$ than he does, so he can't even complain there. Many arguments ensue over this.

Last night I was cooking a meal for us and he came in and complained about my messing up the kitchen (when there were leftovers that could be heated up) and then went at me for everything I haven't gotten done since we moved here (he hasn't fixed the door he broke because he damaged it so badly we got a guy in who said it would likely cost a lot to fix).

Sorry for the length but to my question -

I know he's going to start revving up the abuse to try to light a fire under me to do his bidding. He doesn't care whether some days it hurts for me to move. He wants things the way HE wants them and if HE does some work, he expects me to be right along side him working too. He is a perfectionist (OCD - OCPD) and I know it will come out even stronger as he's sober.

After many years of alcoholic verbal and emotional abuse, I've become numb to my feelings for him. I'm not sure I even know what love is or is supposed to be anymore. I can see that he's going to make life difficult for me - drunk or sober - and while I would love to have my house clean and beautiful, it's impossible for me to keep it that way constantly - which is HIS dream and expectation. I'd like for this relationship to end - rather than to live with someone who constantly expects me to change. I do a LOT where finances and everythings else is concerned (I took care of selling the house and buying this one), but my physical energy is low and I simply can't do his bidding (if I could - I would - just to shut him up).

I'd like to go to an Al Anon meeting - regardless - but a while ago he 'forbade' me from it. Said he'd leave me if I did. While a part of me would 'love' if he would leave me, I don't want it to be a war. He likely wouldn't leave - just try to make my life more miserable. He refuses AA - says he doesn't need it. I'm done arguing with him about that.

I just don't think it's fair to me to stay with him when at this point I don't even care if he gets sober. He's a mean person most of the time and I really don't like him much anymore - at all. I believe I have some feelings deep down, but most are dead.

I love my home, the pool, the gardens and everything we have here. It would be amazing if I were living with someone whom I loved, but many days I'd rather live in a trailer with my 'junk' - peacefully, rather than to deal with him every day. I'm simply worn out.

If you're still here - THANKS for listening. I just feel I'm at a crossroads - once again - and want to finally make some proper decisions ...

SoloMio

I'm so sorry for your situation. At least now you are looking for a way to better it, and you've come back to the right place.

Sounds to me like you're in a very lovely prison. We're not supposed to give advice here, just our "experience, strength and hope" as they say in Al-Anon, so I'll share what hit a chord with me-- what you said about how you love your home. Like me, it sounds like that's one barrier that's keeping you from moving on.

I, too, love my house. It's taken me a long time to get it to where I feel so happy in it. It's filled with "me"--all the little things I've acquired over the years--things of beauty, great flea market finds, coverings made by my talented friends (I never had much money to decorate--none actually, so over the years I've just been creative about my decor). I even related to your Christmas lights--I am SAD that I'm taking down my tree today, because every evening I sit on my second hand brocade Ethan Allen loveseat with a cup of tea and just look at the tree with the lights and the ornaments which also reflect a lifetime--souvenirs of family trips--"baby's first Christmas," "Our first Christmas together--1978" etc.

So, I've been on the same teeter-totter. Right now, I literally have a suitcase packed and ready to go, so that if I really feel I need to leave I can't say, "Oh, I don't know what I need bring with me." I've thought it all out, and am basically living out of my suitcase because I now feel that I will not live one more day under the same roof with someone who is willfully killing himself. One of the reasons I haven't left is, I love my home. It is a lovely prison, and that is keeping me from moving forward.

But yesterday, I asked myself, what is worse, the loss of living in this home (for either a short amount of time, or a long one) or the loss of my peace of mind, the loss of a chance to demonstrate what I'm not willing to put with, the loss of days of NOT having to accommodate alcohol in some ways--whether it's having to stop for a "wee one" wherever we go, or walking on eggshells. So for me, the question is--is living with Jeckyll and Hyde better for my sanity than the loss of the Jeckyll part--the man I love and the man I now only get from 9am to 11am in the morning, at which point he's back to Mr. Hyde?

I'm sick of that "evil twin" and all that that entails. Losing a life in these four walls at this point is not as big a deal as losing a life of integrity.

whereisthisgoin

Let's both go to an Al-anon meeting this month and report back. My husband doesn't want me to go either. It will be my first. I think there is some real help there that we are missing.

SoloMio

Hey, sorry to post again, but had to respond to this... YES! Last week, I told AH I was going back to Al-Anon, and he asked me not to. But, I did it anyway, and I'm so glad.

tjp613

Hi Smile - I'm so glad you've come back to SR. If, for whatever reason you can't get to Al-Anon, this is surely the next best thing.

Have you sought counseling at all? Whether you recognize it or not, you are a victim of domestic violence and emotional abuse. Please seek their help.

There are a few stickies at the top of the forum that are loaded with excellent information and phone numbers. Have you read them? If not, please do.

I also like to recommend the book, Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft.

Again, I'm so glad you are here. (((hugs)))

coffeedrinker

Hello, tryintosmile,

and welcome back.

It's hard to be too angry when you finally have what you've wanted for so long.
Of course we know this isn't true. It was an illusion.

I too felt trapped in an unfulfilling marriage - not so much because we had really nice things, but we did have a big house and yard, and an intact family. I wanted so much for that to not be shattered. I was fear-filled about leaving, and it took me about two years.

Once I got the strength to tell him so, I never looked back. It was LIBERATING.

I also played the "not that bad, and better than before game, but the bottom line was that I was terribly unhappy.

Nice house? Nice things? Being able to shop for a new dress whenever I want?
Sure, I'd love that.
But right now, I am living with my mother in her 1300 square foot townhome (yes it can drive me nuts) and when she's not driving me nuts, I am at peace. Right now, my favorite place to be is a bed with an old mattress & mismatched bedclothes, in an un-decorated room inside of a house that's usually messy, has shoddy window coverings, stained wallpaper in the kithen and pictures on the wall that I would never choose.

The reason it's my favorite place, is because of the man who lies next to me, and wakes in the night to roll over and wrap his arms around me. He does not love material possessions, or buying anything at full price, or cleaning. But he loves his children, he loves the 12 Steps, and he loves me.

I have experienced things that have touched me, and filled me up, in ways that I never experienced with my xah.
But more importantly, I am my own person today, independent and free to make my own choices and dream about a life that is more attainable than ever.

Go to the meeting.
Go see a lawyer.
And make your plan to free yourself.

LexieCat

I like the way Solo put it, "a very lovely prison."

Nobody deserves to live the way you are living. It's a waste of time trying to figure out "why" he's not happy (it's the alcoholism) and "why" he drinks (it's the alcoholism). Every alcoholic on the planet has issues besides an addiction to alcohol, and they get intertwined. The one thing they have in common is that until they RECOVER (which means a whole lot more than not drinking, as you have observed), they will continue to suffer and to wreak havoc in the lives of those around them.

Do what you need to do. Go to Al-Anon. Go when he isn't around, if it will keep you safer. I also strongly suggest you hook up with a domestic violence advocate. If he feels threatened by your leaving or by your asserting yourself, you must be careful how you handle things for your own safety.

Keep reading and posting here, too--you will eventually sort out what you need to do.

PurpleWilder

So maybe you can't get your house as tidy as you might like. I am a naturally messy person too (Note - I said messy, not dirty. There is a difference). Believe me, nobody lies on their deathbed and says to themselves, "Gee, I wish I had spent more time vacuuming."

But maybe you can get your brain and your heart tidy. Alanon can help you do that.

Freedom1990

I agree. Please do see if you can talk to a counselor with the nearest domestic violence resource.

My heart always hurts when I read of someone living the nightmare that I did for far too long.

You deserve so much more, and so do I.

I have disabilities too now, and I can't imagine what it would have been like had I been disabled when I was still with my EXAH.

After decades of no Alanon in our little town, I was told last week a new one is starting up, and I can't wait to attend!

Sending you lots of hugs on the Kansas breezes, my dear.

barb dwyer

"a lovely prison".

wow.
nothing says it better than that.

I think getting the books recommended
and the three of you going to the meeting
and reporting back here

(when is the next meeting for this forum online?)

is at the very least, ACTION.

I'm glad you posted this morning.
Makes me even more grateful
for my chair (second hand)
by the window
(fifth floor rickety apartment building uptown)

because they're .... mine.

I neede to appreciate that thismorning.

Thank you.

zrx1200R

Well, I'm brand new here. This is my first post. But I've been reading the posts here recently. And I've been living with an Alcoholic for the past 20 years. In keeping with the guide lines of NOT telling you what to do, and completely understanding and living your predicament, here is what I know and has been my reality.

My wife is going to AA trying to get better. She can make it about 3 days without drinking. It is "much better than before". Yet, I don't think she has the ability to make the wholesale change. She simply can not be honest with herself, let alone me or our children. Like Smile, I "hope" for change. She will lie about her drinking when the truth would be just fine. She will lie about it right up until she is confronted with hard evidence, then yell and blame me for it. No doubt this sounds familiar to many here.

What has worked for me is caring less. I try and detach myself from what ever craziness she makes. Fortunately for me, it is not violent. Just ugly words, and unreasonable behavior. Once I no longer let the outbursts bother me, I found a little peace. I have found a way to still care about her and not let the drinking personality bother me. If I dwell on it, I become consumed with what I've done wrong. I suppose it is my way of accepting she is responsible for what she does. Not me.

As for Al Anon, I didn't care for it. I've been to several meetings. And I've gone to many AA meetings with my spouse.

What I want is help. Not a place to vent. I have a couple of good friends who understand and let me vent to them. I didn't like the "no cross talk" rules of Al Anon. The stories people told were exactly like mine. Yet hearing I'm not alone doesn't really help me fix or change my situation. If you are the type that feels better about yourself after discovering you are not alone, then Al Anon may offer some reward. It is just not for me.

I want to hear success stories of techniques that worked. I've tried everything I can think of and read many books. The behavior of all the players seems so similar, I can't help but think others have found little things that work. And that is what I want to hear more of. And I didn't hear any of that in Al Anon.

I've kept some electronic journals. It seems people like us have a tremendous propensity to "forget". If you are like me, you might find that you lock away all the bad behavior in a little dark place in your mind never to be visited. Once I started writing it all down, I was able to go back and review. It was eye opening to remember what I had locked away. My written record of the events reveals the truth, warts and all. Perhaps something like this might enable you to objectively look at where you've been and where you're going. It helps me. Also, writing it all down was liberating in a sense. I was able to capture it, knowing it would be there. And then almost instantly forget about it. And move on.

Like so many of the posts I read here, it seems we stay with these people for a variety of reasons. Our only real choice is to stay or go. Each choice has its own pitfalls associated. And I truly believe either decision is perfectly valid. There is no "Correct" answer. Just your answer.

best wishes from the newest guy here.

StarCat

Tryintosmile, reading your post I started to cry, because it sounds almost exactly like my relationship with my ABF - change a couple of the minor facts, change "house" to "apartment," it's my story, too.

Especially this part:

Over the course of the last six months (since I moved to this apartment and he moved himself in) I have been feeling the same way. I tried to do his bidding, but I was never good enough. I tried to tell him how I felt, and he always blew up. He wanted me to do more for him constantly, and he wanted me to be less of a person. He liked that I was smart and pretty and he wanted me to do well at work (I worked full time, but he STILL expected me to do all the household chores), but that was only to make him look good to others.

I learned that our "relationship" was all about him, even when he was pretending it was about me.

After one night where he threw everything all over the apartment, yelling at me for choosing my parents over him (because I simply decided to accept my parents' faults, and have a good time visiting my dysfunctional relatives for Christmas), I couldn't take it any more, and left the apartment.
He ended up in inpatient rehab for alcohol abuse, but he fooled the doctors into letting him out after only two weeks, and he tried to run my life via telephone the whole time he was inside.

I can't tell you how much a relief it feels to be out of that situation. I kicked him out of the apartment (it was in my name) and went "no contact" with him after the first week of manipulation from inside his rehab. The doctors couldn't get through to him about his recovery, I couldn't get through to him, and he just wasn't getting it and wasn't giving me the space I needed to get better.
I actually wrote him a letter (never mailed it) about all the things I tried to do to fix the relationship, and all his reactions to that, because I has to assure myself that I did "enough" before I left. This line comes to mind:

I told you I needed some space, that while you were in rehab working on you I needed some space to work on me. You said you understood, and gave me a list of all the problems you had with me, so I could be more of what you wanted, and called me several times a day to make sure I didn't forget.

I am still fighting the occasional self-doubt, but you have no idea how good it feels to actually be able to decide for me for once. I had lost track of that, and I am still nervous about exercising my right sometimes, but even the silliest things make me grin from ear to ear anymore. I can actually laugh again, and I know I can take care of myself because I have already, and because before I was taking care of a child in an adult's body before, and I am not nearly as demanding as he was.

newby1961

" He didn't stop being abusive, but it wasn't 'quite' as bad. It's hard to be too angry when you finally have what you've wanted for so long. He did smash a beautiful sliding glass door off its hinges the first month we were here - in a drunken temper flash - but there have been some peaceful moments."
I guess my question to you would be, if you heard this out of someone you were very close to, or your sister if you have one, what would your response be? I have been in and out of abusive relationships most of my life, and the last one I was in over 10 years ago it took me 7 years to leave. I now live alone and have been for a number of years, and although I will be honest it does get lonely, I would take this any day over an idiot, especially a drunk one. I always had such good advice for others but, when it came to myself I didn't have any. My self esteem and self love was very, very, low if not non-existant. Till I dug deep inside and found that piece of me that was worth loving and protecting I stayed. My prayer for you is that you find it before its gone forever. Keep the Faith

StarCat

Depends if that's possible, though.

My ABF insisted on being with me 100% of the time, so I couldn't just tell him I was "running an errand," he'd insist on knowing what it was and on coming with me.

Some A's are more possessive and controlling than others.

The only way I could have gone to an Al-Anon meeting without him knowing would be if I had a friend at work drive me to one after lunch (not during, I had to be with G then) and then take a shortage in my paycheck (since G insisted I spend all my vacation hours on him).

chicory

There is a saying that hangs around in my mind,it goes something like-

Better is a loaf of bread where there is peace,
than a feast where there is strife.

nothing is as good as peace of mind. i pray that we both find it.

tryintosmile

I am so appreciative for all of your amazing responses! I'd love to quote you all, since each one of you has something so important and supportive to say, but I'd be at it all day and never get this house clean (such indulgence).

Yes @ Solo Mio - You hit the nail on the head - This lovely prison (self imposed of course) and I don't want to leave it and go out into the world that may not be a prison but I'm not sure how to cope in any longer. The longer one is in 'a prison' they're not sure how to deal with the 'outside world'. We're 'comfortable' with what we know.

But as Chicory so poignantly reminds:


Better is a loaf of bread where there is peace,
than a feast where there is strife.

If I ever have the nerve to get out of this 'mess' and go and live in a mobile home, I'd likely be happier than I've ever been. Hard to imagine that I have all of this, but I dream of the peace that will come with that.

Thanks again for listening. Will be considering going to Al Anon - regardless and hope to gain some insight there.

MyBetterWorld

No one can forbid you. You can't go and if you do he will leave you? Let him!

coffeedrinker

Hey there zrx,

perhaps you should start a new thread to better introduce yourself....most of us do not read every single entry.

what brought you here, which you have stated, and what you are seeking (which i know you have also stated)

i hear ya on the "no cross-talk" frustration. sometimes that's exactly what you want! but that's what getting a sponsor, and going to some one-one-one coffee dates are for. or after-the-meeting talks.

but....this is the place. you'll get feedback, others' insights, and advice more than you probably want! it's a great forum and will surely give you some new perspectives and tools.

i got pretty good at detaching from my ex-alcoholic-husband. although you said you care, what it really translated to for me, was that i pretty much stopped caring. oh, on one level i always will. but one day i saw that i wanted a much different life, so i tried to go out and get it. it took a lot longer than i thought it would, but i knew that things that happened were just teachers on my path.

keep coming back....

zrx1200R

Thank you for the warm reception. And now that we've hijacked the thread, I suppose an intro could be in order. But, I think everyone knows me. From reading many of the threads, I'm just like everyone else.

I haven't divorced her yet. The papers are currently filed, and we're waiting. She's "working" on it. And is going to AA and I see some much welcome progress.

I've enjoyed reading the threads. And they are much more of what I want than I found with Al Anon.