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Why DON'T I miss him?

Old 01-13-2011, 05:02 PM
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Why DON'T I miss him?

It has been 2 months and 12 days since my AH of 14 years left to live on his own. Why don't I miss him? I went through a period where I thought I missed him, but lately I really don't miss him, don't feel I need him.......did I ever love him? I am not interested in getting together with him or getting counseling together, he hasn't asked, but if he did I would say, not so much, thank you. Is this just a phase I wonder? Anyone else have similar phases after their AH has left?
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Old 01-13-2011, 05:10 PM
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I have missed mine in a way but also don't. I think for me, I had just had ENOUGH and it was just so miserable 24/7...there was just nothing to miss anymore.
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Old 01-13-2011, 05:34 PM
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I'm right where you are. Asking myself that exact question -- did I ever love him? Have to come back to this later, running out the door right now. Just know you're not alone!
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Old 01-13-2011, 05:37 PM
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My RABF left Thanksgiving Week, and re-left last week. I speak to him every day.

I've been missing 'him' since earlier this year when all this started. I still miss him. The other him. The him I knew before his dad died and all the drinking started.

I hope that guy comes back some day.
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Old 01-13-2011, 05:41 PM
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You've been away from him long enough to break the spell. It's so hard to see how bad things really are while we are in the midst of all the chaos.
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Old 01-13-2011, 05:43 PM
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I definitely went through phases. Largely related to the 'faces' he showed when he did appear to see our DS. When he was nice, polite, SOBER, I missed him so much after he left our place.

Then there were the times he'd drop one of his usual snipes about me seeing other men (NONE since I started dating him 16 years ago, which he cannot say - about women, I mean), my poor driving, shopping, cleaning, or mothering skills, or showing up 3 sheets to wind to beg to stay on our couch for a couple days. Me caving and saying OK and getting up the next morning to a p-ssed on couch. Him lying about where he was living and why, basically calling our DS stupid... Oh.... I remember now. It was much, much harder to miss him then and much easier to not want anything to do with him.
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Old 01-13-2011, 06:07 PM
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I am not sure if I would call it a phase because what I went thru sounds just like what you describe but those feelings never went away. I realized that actually being involved with the person was what got me all emotionally desperate and crazy. Once I gained enough distance and detachment, the desperation left me and I no longer missed or needed them. It hurt a little for a while but then you move on. It was then that I could clearly see the games they play and the manipulations they use to hook me back in. Good for you Jack for getting to this place. A little unfamiliar huh? Give it some time
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Old 01-13-2011, 06:35 PM
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Didn't miss him for months and then did. It was like missing him was shut off for several months.
During that time I got away from my anger. My anger had consumed me prior.
Then, I was able to miss him.
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Old 01-13-2011, 08:13 PM
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What a timely post! We told each other we wanted a divorce on 1.11.11 - a date worth remembering. We are unable to live seperately due to finances but we have seperate bedrooms. He hasn't been trying to make up (had been drinking) ... which I'm relieved. I cried in my alanon meeting but am generally feeling relief. I'm thinking it's so wierd, as I'm pretty emotional and I seem to almost feel nothing.

I've leaned on friends and talked with others with similar challenges. Friends are great and more are better! I have a friend that said she would be "angry" for me (she's pissed about this!), others listen well and support me 100% and others ask good questions of me: is that what I want? What if he wants to reconcile?

Alanon taught me how to have friends again - I'm so lucky that I've been in alanon for 18+ months.

Thank you for your post - as I was thinking I was denying it, deflecting it ... I have to be careful ... I've learned that I fall back to bad habits if I don't take care of myself. The bad habit was not putting myself first and trusting myself. You reminded me to do that.

We will both be OK and can stand on our own
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Old 01-13-2011, 08:44 PM
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Back.
As soon as I a) stopped worrying about him stalking me and b) stopped wondering if he was OK, I exhaled. And realized that I don't miss him. I don't miss how I felt when I was with him. The only thing I miss about our life together is... nothing. I was ready to leave, done with our marriage, and I think that whatever residual sadness I have is over all the time spent in a dead-end relationship. For both of us.

And now I'm asking myself -- did I ever love him?. Because from the beginning, I felt like I was the caretaker, his own private Secret Service, with an earpiece and a sword, always ready to strike down anyone showing him a slight, real or perceived. From the beginning, I was more a defender and a calming influence than a partner on equal terms.

I don't think he loved me either. I think he thinks he did. I think I think I loved him. I think we tried to love each other, but I don't think we ever really did. And that thought makes it easier -- when I get in those "maybe I should feel a little guilty for leaving him" moods...

When I think of him and not having him in my life, I feel relief. I'm happier than I was at any point in our marriage. And I'm sitting in a badly heated ****** little apartment and loving every minute of it.

I hope to God it's not a phase.
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Old 01-13-2011, 09:11 PM
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Originally Posted by lillamy View Post
Back.
As soon as I a) stopped worrying about him stalking me and b) stopped wondering if he was OK, I exhaled. And realized that I don't miss him. I don't miss how I felt when I was with him. The only thing I miss about our life together is... nothing. I was ready to leave, done with our marriage, and I think that whatever residual sadness I have is over all the time spent in a dead-end relationship. For both of us.

"EXHALE" - that is it! It was a sense of relief that I'm not committed to it any more! Even though we are in the same house right now - it's a relief to not sleep next to him.

Exhale ...
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Old 01-13-2011, 09:26 PM
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I think I grieved the loss of my wife while she was still there. By the time she was finally gone, I felt nothing but relief.

It hasn't been a phase.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
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Old 01-13-2011, 10:52 PM
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And now I'm asking myself -- did I ever love him?.
Yeah, it feels weird, doesn't it? I remember getting to this and realizing for the first time in my life that love is just a feeling. That it does not have to be all about all the drama and desperation and extremeness and seriousness it had become. Love doesn't mean that there is something you have to prove anymore. That's for alcoholics and addicts because their behavior is so bad. I can just love in a plain ole normal way without any proclamations or proving or any of that. When it's true, I find, love is quiet.
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Old 01-13-2011, 11:50 PM
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I think I grieved the loss of my wife while she was still there
Coyote, thank you for those words. That is what I've been saying to people, too -- when they put on their concerned face and say, "but regardless, you must be grieving your dreams and plans for a lifelong blahblahblah..." I think it honestly shocks people when I say, "Listen -- when you're married to an alcoholic, you're DONE by the time the divorce becomes legal. I was done before you even knew me, five years ago."

I remember getting to this and realizing for the first time in my life that love is just a feeling. That it does not have to be all about all the drama and desperation and extremeness and seriousness it had become. Love doesn't mean that there is something you have to prove anymore.
EXACTLY!!! I also find that I really don't miss -- or need -- the drama. I often hear at Al-Anon meetings that "us codies are addicted to drama"... and I can never relate to that. I'm SO done with drama, thank you very much!

I think at my ripe old age, I finally figured out that love isn't about the drama. My head was hurting from the cognitive dissonance when I met the man I'm cautiously exploring a long-distance relationship with (we've been friends for 30 years). I found him very attractive, and at the same time, spending time with him was like coming home. It was redhot attraction and the comfort of an old blanket that you've had so long that the smell alone makes you just relax. I couldn't get the two to function together. Until I realized that this is what love is like for normal people. It's not hurt and desperation, it's comfort and everyday life. Less champagne and breaking china than a cup of tea with your hole-y socks put up on the coffee table.
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Old 01-14-2011, 02:41 AM
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I never have either. It was horrible living with him, even when it was OK because I was worried about when the horrible would arrive. There's nothing to miss. I went through a stage when I thought perhaps I hadn't loved him ever: there was undoubtedly a strong emotional bond, but I think I was mistaking powerful emotions related to drama for love. Now I'm not so sure that I never loved him, I think mixed in with all the rest I did, perhaps.

But I have never missed him once we seperated, and I'm not at all angry, I just have a huge relief that I'm not in the midst of it anymore. Literally every day, and no matter how bad that day is, I am grateful that in addition to the ups and downs of normal life which we all have to deal with, I am not burdened by living in that maelstrom. The scales have fallen from my eyes. Sometimes I miss the company of a loving, adult companion, but he was never that, so I'm missing what I think a companion should be, not him.
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Old 01-14-2011, 04:04 AM
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This thread gives me hope.
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Old 01-14-2011, 06:40 AM
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What a good thread, thank you.

I moved out on Nov 6 and then went no contact on Dec 18, tomorrow will be 1 month!! Ya me!!

The best way I can describe how I have been feeling is – numb - with little bouts of sadness, anger, hurt, and disappointment at both he and myself. I also feel I’ve been morning this loss for a long time, gave up hope that the man I fell in love with would come back. Once you lose “hope” it’s over. I accept that addiction ate him up and that man is never going to come back. I know that is what kept me hooked for far too many years. He’d relapse, get back in his program and for the most part that man I loved did return, problem was he didn’t stay around for more then 6 or 7 months before the monster started to appear.

This ending is much different then all the others, I’ve grown, I’ve come to acceptance and I’ve given up hope that his life/our life would be any different then it had been for the last 7 years. It was those first 3 years I kept trying to get back, kept holding onto and they aren’t ever coming back and I accept that. It took me year of al-anon and coming here for it all to come together both in my head and my heart.

My biggest fear though is in “IF” he re-appears and how I will handle that. I have a feeling he may be working on some kind of recovery other wise I think I’d still be getting those nasty phone calls one minute followed by the apology one the next. It’s been quiet for the past month and that kind of scares me a bit if you know what I mean.
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Old 01-14-2011, 06:41 AM
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I went through a stage when I thought perhaps I hadn't loved him ever: there was undoubtedly a strong emotional bond, but I think I was mistaking powerful emotions related to drama for love. Now I'm not so sure that I never loved him, I think mixed in with all the rest I did, perhaps.
That's expressing my feelings pretty well, too. Except depending on the day, I also think I might have mistaken pity for love.
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Old 01-14-2011, 07:13 AM
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I'm with coyote - I have had nothing but relief. I didn't realize how tightly wound I was when I was living with him. I am so free now. Free to set the rules in my house and he can set his at his house (for the kids). I don't have to fight anymore and it has freed up my whole life.

There have been maybe 5 times in 16 months where I have missed small things about him, but when I "play the tape all the way through", I have to remember that those good things couldn't be separated from the bad.

The differences in my life without him are immense and I just feel so lucky to have another chance at a good life for my children and me.
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Old 01-14-2011, 10:35 AM
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I cried and despaired SO MUCH during my 6 years with XAH that when I finally was free of him, all I felt was exhaustion and then relief. It was during the marriage that I mourned the person I thought he was, the father I thought he would be to our baby, and the dream "family life" I thought we could have together.

I may be hard-hearted where he is concerned, but I never once missed him or anything about him. I hate to place the blame solely on someone, but in his case, all he did was use me and use me and use me--all under the guise of being oh-so good to me, until there was virtually nothing left of me. It was only the love I have for my baby girl that helped me leap out of that toxic marriage. When I was gone, I didn't even have enough strength left to hate him; I just wanted him to disappear forever.
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