Why DON'T I miss him?

Old 01-14-2011, 05:24 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Not feeling that desperation of missing him is an eye opening experience for me. I still find myself getting angry at him for his behaviors because my expectations are still too high, he hasn't changed, not sure why I think he would. I am ok staying at home reading and not having to feel bad if I don't want to go to "his friend's" house and hang out while he drinks, or go out to a bar with friends who called and invited us, not so much friends of mine as his. I like myself, I am a good person, a better person without him. The pressure is off. I think in time I will meet someone but I am not worried or concerned or preoccupied about it. I remember thinking how lucky I was to not have to be single and looking for someone, this was about 2 years ago. Since then, my life has done a 360, I am actually looking forward for who might come into my life in the future. I don't like what he became and I was naive and in denial and now I am not. Now if I can just get myself to exercise........

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Old 01-14-2011, 06:32 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Maybe that's what sanity feels like...

...I'm just guessing. I don't really know for sure what sanity feels like. It seems to me not missing an alcoholic who brought chaos and pain into my life might look as you are describing.

Pray to God it isn't a phase.



Originally Posted by jackthedog View Post
It has been 2 months and 12 days since my AH of 14 years left to live on his own. Why don't I miss him? I went through a period where I thought I missed him, but lately I really don't miss him, don't feel I need him.......did I ever love him? I am not interested in getting together with him or getting counseling together, he hasn't asked, but if he did I would say, not so much, thank you. Is this just a phase I wonder? Anyone else have similar phases after their AH has left?
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Old 01-15-2011, 09:51 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Now that I realize that my AH was already well into alcoholism when I married him 18 years ago, I don't know that I have ever really known him. I have missed the dream of him. We are still married but haven't lived together in 16 months. I think I haven't gotten a divorce because I have lost the belief that I could actually be in a better relationship anyway. I just realized this fact today.
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Old 01-15-2011, 10:05 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Wow, realizations are empowering and sad at the same time.

I was watching the Oprah Winfrey Network last night, was going to bed at 10, they kept showing clips of a show that was on at 10, Into the Bedroom with Dr. Laura Berman and I thought, oh I don't want to watch that, but for some reason my HP (higher power) intervened and I did. The show was a mirror of my relationship with my husband. He was a bully to me, sweet to everyone else on the planet except his mother. As I watched I realized I don't want to be that woman anymore and even if he did get help through AA or Anger management, I don't think at this moment I would take him back, he has hurt me so much. That is why I don't miss him, he wasn't "MISS" able! There were some moments of love in the midst of the verbal abuse's cycle, but not enough to sustain the relationship. The alcohol made him sweet and friendly, unless you crossed him. Even when he was sober he demeaned me in so many ways, part of the dry drunk syndrome. I know there are many of you out there and I will start praying for you and myself today!

We have to now work on ourselves, hard work, but I believe all of us have that something inside us that is resilient and loving and someone will be sent to us to show us what a real relationship should be like. But we have to work on ourselves first, we allowed it to happen once and so we are partly responsible.
Sending out lots of love and prayers today!!!
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Old 01-15-2011, 10:40 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Unlike you, I have missed my husband terribly. I actually took some time to understand why I am going through this.

I am glad that you are ok with the situation. You will move forward well and I send you my best thoughts as you do. Don't question healthy- enjoy.
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Old 01-15-2011, 02:27 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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I'm reading these posts and its bringing me to tears....

I'm on the other side of the situation.
I'm the alcoholic.
I was the reason for our unhappiness.

Its hard to explain the love we had for eachother w/out sounding mushy.
But thats how we were.
We were in our mid-late twenties when we met and have been together for, going on 7 yrs.

I've put him through the ringer...he moved out for about 6 months and just when 'we' thought I was done drinking he came back and put him through the ringer again.
I hate how this addiction has taken over the person I am.
I'm angry how I LET myself be taken over by this addiction.
I'm angry how the one thing I didn't want to become is the one thing that took over my life.

We still live together...but things are so different.
And it hurts so much.
I hate that he passes by me and doesn't touch me.
I can feel how he doesn't feel the same for me.

But what hurts the most is that I'm still so madly in love w/ him.
Its like I woke up from this dream and all my feelings are there
but he's been going through this nightmare and has been feeling every emotion by himself.

I guess I want to hear or feel that there's a possibility to get us back on that track of living our lives together as a family.
I sometimes (as a drunk) used to argue that one day we're gonna look back at this (my addiction) as a bump in our lives.
I used to say it as a way to buy time...but its what I really hope happens.

No matter what he decides (sole provider and financially can't at the moment,waiting for income tax return) about moving out
its not gonna drive me to drink
but it will hurt so badly.

I don't push him to give me answers or constantly ask him what he's gonna do.
Partly because I don't want to hear the answer and partly because I feel I have no right to ask.
Anyway... these posts have really opened my eyes to what he must be feeling and to start planning my life w/out him.
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Old 01-15-2011, 04:04 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Thank you Simplyfab for sharing these thoughts. I will pray for you.
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