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really upset...

Old 01-12-2011, 04:37 PM
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Unhappy really upset...

Hi, everybodyÖ Iím new here but I just wanted to get my story out to see if anybody could relate or had any adviceÖ Iím 19 years young and for the past 7 months Iíve been dating a 23 year old alcoholic. I met him years ago when I was 15 and he was addicted to other substancesÖ we met up again in June and got together. He was done with drugs, but was addicted to alcohol instead.
Our situation was hard. I never dated a guy that I actually trusted and thought really cared for me until I was with him. He was not only someone I was dating, but my best friend, and we were inseparable. However, with my own issues due to past relationships and depression/low self esteem, as well as my own issues with alcohol, things were hard. It hurt very bad, some of the things I saw. He never was mean or angry when he drank. He didnít drink to get drunk, but to keep from being sick. And no matter what happened, he refused to get help. His girlfriend prior to me had broken up with him because of his unemployment and drinking, and he was kicked out of his momís house and moved in with his dad, which didnít do much good. I know how troubled he is, but so am I, and I know that I could never give up on him, because heís never given up on me and I care so much for him.
Iím grounded for a week (till Monday) for staying out really late, and I just got a call from the boy that his friends had an intervention and his mom was calling someone to have him sent away. He had been to rehab a few times before, and made a contract with his mother that if he was caught drinking hard liquor, he would go away. Well, his friends told him they thought he needs help. They took his vodka bottle and showed it to his grandfather and they called his mom I know this is really selfish, but I am so upset that no one told me they were going to do this, and I was not included. And the worst thing is, Iím not even going to be able to say goodbye to him.
I know this is what he needs, but he is so adamant about not going. This was another one of our problems. He would always talk about how he couldnít live that way anymore and wanted to change but would never take any steps necessary to do so. But anywayÖ if he is really set on not going, is this even going to help him? I talked to his friend on the phone. His friend is not positive about the details but thinks he is being sent to a halfway house about 3 hours away from here. How does a halfway house even work? Is it the same thing as rehab?
I guess Iím not really sure what Iím asking or what Iím trying to say. I see all the potential in the world for him and I want to be there for him, but Iíve never been in a situation like this, let alone been close to a boy at all and I just donít know what to do.
Like I said before, I know I am being really selfishÖ I want him to get better, but I am going to miss him so effing much. I canít imagine a day without seeing him or at least talking to him in some way. And I always read about how relationships do not work after recovery. I guess Iím just wondering, if anyone has been/is in a situation similar to mine, and how they dealt with it, because i've only just found out about this and I cannot stop crying and worrying. Thanks...
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Old 01-12-2011, 04:54 PM
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Welcome to SR! It's a great thing you've discovered this place, because it will doubtless be a valuable resource to you in coming years.

Make yourself at home, and try to read around with an open mind.

CLMI
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Old 01-12-2011, 04:54 PM
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********************* Love and Peace, Phoenix
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Old 01-12-2011, 04:58 PM
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Welcome to SR,

Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. You will find support and information here.

I am glad your BF is getting help. The folks at rehab and half-way houses know how to help your BF. Let your BF and the trained experts help him in his recovery. They will help him get the tools he needs to handle life on life's terms. Tools he will need for the rest of his life.

It hurts being seperated, and you are likely grieving the loss of his companionship. It will be hard at first, but it will get better as you learn to let go and let him find his way to recovery. During this time, can you get counseling or attend Alanon meetings?

I know that you mentioned you have your own issues with alcohol. Have you considered using this time apart to focus on your needs. Get your own tool belt to help you face life's challenges? Alanon and AA are both free support groups that can help you. They have both been helpful to me.

I am known as Pelican,
I am a recovering alcoholic and
I am a recovering partner of an alcoholic and
I am recovering from my codependency.

I have found support, information and encouragement here at SR, at Alanon meetings, with self-improvement books, online articles and support of a counselor.

The three C's helped me understand my partner's addiction:

I did not cause it
I could not control it
I would not cure it

I had to let the addict own his own addiction. That was the best way to put the responsibility where it belonged, put the control where it belonged and put the cure where it was the most effective = with the addict.

Let us know how we can help you. We care about YOU!
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Old 01-12-2011, 05:05 PM
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^^ thank you about the 3 C's...they will help...but also...you know you can go to AL ANON...there is no fee, no age limit, anyone can go....this group will help you with tools and slogans and well, let you know what happened to them....sounds like you may be a CO dependent...look up at the stickys...read, read and do more reading....in my blogs, i have many slogans to help day to day...which has helped me ALOT...good luck, blog and post, and become friends with us all!! we are all suffering just like you...but have tools to help us, and know when to say NO...we do recover..and it takes time...

he is gonna want the help himself and he needs to do his own work
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Old 01-12-2011, 11:34 PM
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Welcome, Disintegration!
We feel your pain, girl! We do.
When I was a teen I struggled with depression and low self esteem, too.
I needed help, but didn't know where to find it.

And, I hear you sharing about your depression, low self esteem and drinking issues.
Sounds like you have some things on your plate.
You know, they say if you are on a plane that is going down, you need to put on your oxygen mask before you can help anyone else.
So, now is a great time for you, when your boy is away, to check in with you.
How are you doing?
What do you need?

You being here is a wonderful way to get support and I'd recommend you supplement that with live support, too. Do YOU have support from a therapist, religious guide, counselor, AA group or Alanon group?
Would you be willing to go?
AA and Alanon are free and you can find one near you here: Al-Anon Family Groups of Massachusetts
I hope you stick around.
We understand and care.

Peace
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Old 01-13-2011, 12:36 AM
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A halfway house is where he can live among people who are like him, dealing with alcoholism while going to treatment. They can also get jobs, etc.

I know you have grown very attached to him and feel confused about this latest turn of events but as scary as it is, it will be better for both of you in the long run. You can still stay in touch with him and even visit from time to time but he will learn how to live without drinking and be a much better boyfriend.

It is hard to say if the relationship will survive. But maybe the key is to not look so far ahead and just be happy that he has a supportive family trying to get him the help he needs. Just wait and see how it unfolds and do take care of yourself.
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Old 01-13-2011, 07:28 PM
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thank you everybody for the kind words and support. codependency seems very fitting to me... i'm not in a positive spot right now mentally. i was seeing a counselor at my college and it helped a bit, so i'm trying to find a new therapist now that i've moved back home. since i've been hanging out with the boy, my drinking has gotten worse. it got a little better in the fall when i went to school, but during the summer i would drink about a pint of cheap vodka every night. i have since quit drinking liquor because i black out and am very mean to him when i'm drunk. i still drink beer, but even with that i sometimes have issues with being able to say that i've had enough. also, all of my friends drink (they are not all irresponsible about it, but even so it is hard for me to be around people who are drinking at all and not drink) i went to a couple AA meetings in Boston, when i was in school, but stopped going after a "know it all" member said some very rude things to me. since coming home, i went to a meeting with my dad who is a recovering alcoholic, but it just didn't feel right. i would be willing to try going to an al-anon meeting. my dad said there is one in my town that is pretty great. i think at this point what will help me the most is just getting back into therapy.
i finally got ahold of my guy today,apparently he is not going to the halfway house. he doesn't have many minutes on his phone so i don't know the details as of why or what happened but on Monday when i am ungrounded he wants us to have a sober night to talk about everything, so we will see how that goes... all i want is for both of us to just get our lives on track, and for him to live the life he deserves to have.
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