Just wanted to get a consesus here...
 

I was told that "I'm the only one who thinks a single DUI is a big deal" and " A judge will just laugh at you if you bring it up in the courtroom" He was just quacking at me, right? He was mad because I told him that I would not take over paying the bills for him, he needed to learn to do it himself.

You know, I think a DUI is a pretty big deal.

Well, a single DUI isn't as bad as multiple one, but it's still serious and no judge is going to laugh at you about it. Yeah, he's quacking.

As far as I understand it, you can't get your nursing license renewed with a DUI - and I have to get it renewed every year. So for me, a DUI would be the end of a career I love.

Oh yes, this is definitely it, he is upping the ante now, trying to get you to give on that boundary.

A DUI is a very very big deal. It affects everything involved with driving.
If he doesnt think it is a big deal, he is in denial big time. Huge. I mean in another galaxy. Insurance? bwahahahaha There is also looking for a job, DUI's are a big thing to employers.

Do not listen, he is quacking cause this is getting close to biting him in the a$$ big time.
Stand fast pixelation.
You are strong and you can do it.

Beth

I did tell him that 15 years ago, he thought a single DUI was a big deal, how his uncle was a jerk for getting one. He just shrugged it off.

I'm sorry I need the assurance, the whole "I'm going to get custody from you no matter what" thing from him still terrifies the hell out of me.

Oh Pixi. My xah scared me so bad with that one. I was terrified at the time too. Looking back it never would have happened but it is really hard to fee confident in that while in the thick of it.

Stay strong. Come here any time you need assurance and support.

(((HUGS)))

It's easy to doubt yourself when you've been close to someone who spends so much of their time reinforcing how insignificant you are. It takes awhile to undo the damage, and realize that you are a special, significant, important, wonderful, beautiful person just waiting to be freed.

Not sure about the laws in other states, but I know in my state there's a mandatory jail sentence for a DUI. I think it's only 24 hours (might be 48), but still, that's a lot more than zero, and it's certainly not "insignificant".

Well, if you plead guilty here, first offense is $625 fine, and 30 days suspended sentence, 90 days suspended license, with the ability to get a work release license after 30 days. 2nd offense is $1025 fine, 30 days with all but 2 days suspended, etc.

Pleading not guilty, which is what he is doing, is a whole other ballgame, because that sentencing structure flies out the window.

I know the insurance is going to skyrocket too, I am going to get myself, and my van, off of the insurance soon.

The custody thing is honestly the biggest reason I've stayed as long as I have. and I'm sure he knows that, which is why he holds it over my head so often.

You should look over nodaybut2day's posts back when she was a "quivering bowl of jello" (LOL) ... she was so scared of losing custody because of these same threats. In the end the threats turned out to be only that. They KNOW it's your Achilles Heel!! Remember, you are dealing with an alcoholic and it is highly doubtful he has the drive and authentic desire to actually do what it would take to get custody! He's just quacking...though you are too close and too vulnerable to believe it. Besides, yes, in a custody battle his DUI would most definitely be considered!

Going before a family court judge to defend his drinking record?? Do you really see him doing that?? Pfffffffffft.

You're doing great. Grow that backbone, girl!!!

Yes - my xah was full of lots of threats and letters from his lawyer - yet when it came down to it he signed over full physical custody without a glimmer of a fight.

Quack-a-doodle-doo!!! Um, he could have killed someone. That's a pretty big deal. The main reason DUIs are illegal is not because of what happened, but because of what COULD HAVE happened. He took a risk with other people's lives. And he wants you to laugh that off.

I have seen DUI drivers who have killed their best friends. Did they mean for that to happen? Of course not. But did their driving impaired cause the accident that caused the deaths? Absolutely.

Far as I'm concerned, a single DUI is like firing a gun into a crowd a single time and by sheer dumb luck, avoiding killing anybody. It's a big effing deal in my book.

IMO, if you get arrested for and convicted for one DWI, you have probably driven drunk 50 times. JMO. Any judge would take that seriously, I think.

I agree that a single DUI is a big deal. How many times do you have to drive drunk before you injure or maim someone or yourself? One DUI is not okay.
:tapping

*giggle* *giggle*

I agree that it's a huge deal. XAH hasn't gotten one, but only because he's lucky. The judge in our divorce told him that too.

I completely get the being terrified that he'll take custody of our child scenario. XAH always told me that when we got in to arguments. It was along the lines of "I'm going to call the police and tell them you hit me and you'll never see DS again!" When he was the one stalking up on me, towering over me, grabbing me.

Even with that, during our divorce, I was floored when he threatened to take custody again, then he dropped it to 50-50. When all was said and done, on the date we had to call in to schedule the final hearing, he told the court he'd give up custody if his visits wouldn't be supervised any more. The judge told him it'll be discussed at the hearing. He tried to push it, like we could just not have the hearing because he saaaaaid.... The judge very firmly told him again, and again, that it will be discussed at the hearing.

Truth be told, XAH saying he'd give up custody PO'd me even more. And this was a good thing for both DS and I! WTF? How could he give up custody of and not fight for this amazing little boy?! I would and will continue to fight for his safety and well-being with every breath in my body. How could he not? (There were those expectations again....)

That and why TF did I spend all this money on a lawyer then? :)

1. I think he realized how much work being an involved dad would be, even with a codie enabler GF doing the work.
2. I think he think's I'll give up soon. (Not bloody likely.)
3. Nope, would not have given up the lawyer's help even if XAH hadn't pulled the custody thing.

hey...i like this that you are setting BOUNDARIES...and your not enabling his crap...stick with it...and it will get rough when you say more NOs..but dont be afaird...say NO, if you feel this is not right for you...

which i had a picture with a duck that is QUACKING..Oops found one!!

Great thread!

It's an interesting question. In Ontario, DUIs are very serious business. Your licence is gone for a year on your first offence. Your insurance rates will be sky high when you get your licence re-stated. The police have a program called R.I.D.E. (Reduce Impaired Driving Everywhere) during holiday seasons where they set up roadside checks looking for impaired drivers. Even though the legal limit is anything below 0.8%, they will take your licence away if you blow close to an 0.8% on a breathalizer test.

In the US media, I've read, with alarm, about celebrities that have DUI after DUI (Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, etc). That simply wouldn't happen here. They would be jailed after the first offence. (I know there's nothing stopping a person from driving just because their licence is suspended, but why don't aren't they jailed for driving under suspension and a subsequent DUI??) Maybe the laws aren't that different, but the celebrites are treated differently?

I've only known one person who was charged with DUI. It's really that taboo here...

Well, my state has low traffic fines across the board. It's disgusting really.

Okay, I'm calmer now, thanks everyone! Now if only I could find my cell phone and get rid of this migraine that came on this afternoon. I did get a cleaned off dining room table, and a cleaned out AV cabinet out of looking for it though.

Pixelation,
If you can clear off the dining room table and cleaned out the AV cabinet with a migraine, I can certainly start taking care of some paperwork that i have been putting off for a long time.
Also, carpet cleaning. very therapeutic for me.
I love my Bissell Pro Heat 2X.
Ahhh, smells lovely.



PS, do not worry about needing reassurance, even when my ex threatened me with that stuff i would get upset and worried, but he didnt fight anything, just signed the papers. it is just their way of trying to make you afraid.
it takes more than threats to get custody.
it takes more than the attention span of an alcoholic.
it takes time and effort.


Beth