wicked

<slaps my forehead>
of course it was a woman on the grassy knoll, cause no one would suspect a woman!
mystery solved.

BuffaloGal

I laughed when I read this-- I'm guilty of everything too. If I won the Nobel Peace Prize I'd still be a zit on the face of humanity, according to aexh. My stomach is tied in knots every time I have to interact with him regarding child care or anything else. The only thing I can do is repeat to myself before and during any exchange: Respond, don't react. Respond, don't react. Respond, don't react. Etc. And stop the second I start reacting emotionally, even if I'm justified or simply defending myself.

Keep in mind the tendency of addicts to project: recently I stopped getting angry over his accusations because they got to be so weird. He could criticize plenty of my genuine faults... but instead he fixated on my "sense of entitlement" and "dishonesty." That was strange, because I do care strongly about telling the truth, and I don't care if I have a lot of money or not. However, he rationalizes automatically and often, and is currently claiming some of my child tax deductions (I allowed this, but with puzzlement at his assumption that he deserves them). Oh. Okay. The best definition of projection that I found was: "Unloading self hate onto others." That helped me detach and empathize. It must be horrible to feel that way about yourself, it must be horrible to spew it onto the person you once loved and counted on when you had no one else.

I had a realization recently: He will not ever meet my standards of treating me honestly and honorably, unless he goes through some life changing transformation. It only took me 12 years to figure that one out, hunh. I need to stop expecting him to be a nice, upfront, direct person... and if I'm those things when I deal with him, it needs to be for me, not for him.

Equally, I need to get real about dealing with the self centered version of him, which is something I have almost completely avoided doing because (everyone roll their eyes, here) I want to believe he's such a great person except for being an alcoholic. Sure, there's a good man inside of him... but he said once, "Sometimes, it's either you or them-- situations can be zero sum." He didn't want to talk about his drinking to our counselor because he didn't want there to be an official record that he admitted it. That's who he is, and he sees me as the enemy now.

lillamy

I will tattoo that on my forehead. Or rather the inside of my skull, since I'll see it there when I roll my eyes at him.

TakingCharge999

I still get anxious around XABF. I tell myself "I am a human being, feeling anxious at this time. Its ok. I am safe" then in a short while he is gone or I am gone and I try to breathe deeply then get back to living the present moment without him.

I am starting to accept my feelings without judgment but the trick is to keep working in yourself.. like writing letters and saying goodbye... then burning them. It is ok to feel and you can do a lot of stuff to work on those feelings then feeling indifferent will come without effort, just a natural consequence..

And even, if I felt anxious about him the rest of my life.. it would be OK too... because he is like 1% of my day and I can fill the rest 99% with great things that counteract that stress. And seeing him at work I can go "thank God its here in a safe place and no longer alone with him in a room at midnight away from my family and friends. I am no longer a hostage"

I am rambling. But I still send hugs to you!!