No no NO!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 756
No no NO!
Ugh..I swear he's fighting the detaching thing every chance he gets. He's finally feeling the results of his spending issues, and wants me to take back the finances. I don't want too! I mean, in a way, yes, because then the bills will get paid and the kids will have food, etc. But I don't want the guilt trips from him when he can't get this, can't buy that, because there is simply no money for it. That, and I keep hoping he'll hit bottom as a result of the spending issues.
Of course, he told me all of this at 1am, when he got home from work, and I woke up to use the bathroom. I was apparently supposed to stay awake and chat too, as his retaliation was the blaring music thing at 5am.
Of course, he told me all of this at 1am, when he got home from work, and I woke up to use the bathroom. I was apparently supposed to stay awake and chat too, as his retaliation was the blaring music thing at 5am.
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
I took over my ABF's finances for awhile, and discovered he actually spent more when I did it, because he felt like I was handling everything, so he didn't have to worry about it. Sometimes he would ask me, "Is it okay if I spend $50 on such and such" and I'd approve it, only to have him get mad when I later told him he couldn't because I didn't know he's already spent $200 on something else.
If I had it to do over again, I would have made him keep doing the finances, and never "helped". That way he wouldn't have spent $5k on his "have to pay back in full next month" Amex.
If I had it to do over again, I would have made him keep doing the finances, and never "helped". That way he wouldn't have spent $5k on his "have to pay back in full next month" Amex.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
I had a heck of a time with XAH no matter what route I tried with the budgeting.
I let go of being responsible for paying the bills, because I thought, maybe he's mad that I always pay the bills and it's cutting into his masculine-provider-for-the-family thing. Our heat and power were always in threat of being cut off. His reasoning was it's illegal form them to shut it off in the middle of winter; they wouldn't do that with a baby in the house.
I tried making it a joint responsibility, because maybe it was too much for him to keep track of. If you can pay these, I'll pay these. We just ended up with a few seriously over-due bills.
I tried keeping my own account and a joint account and transferred 1/2 of the expenses from my account to the joint one to pay bills out of. I was the only one putting money in the joint account, so it was still a 'which bill to pay this month' thing.
I took him completely off my accounts. I paid what I could. I told him I was no longer paying his truck payments or his insurance. He lost his truck.
I left; I made darn sure my name was off the utilities when I did. The cable was in my name, so that box and bill went with me when I left. He lost the apartment, and we were even renting from his father and sister.
Sometimes, it doesn't matter what you do. If the other party isn't willing to pull his weight, he's not going to pull his weight.
I let go of being responsible for paying the bills, because I thought, maybe he's mad that I always pay the bills and it's cutting into his masculine-provider-for-the-family thing. Our heat and power were always in threat of being cut off. His reasoning was it's illegal form them to shut it off in the middle of winter; they wouldn't do that with a baby in the house.
I tried making it a joint responsibility, because maybe it was too much for him to keep track of. If you can pay these, I'll pay these. We just ended up with a few seriously over-due bills.
I tried keeping my own account and a joint account and transferred 1/2 of the expenses from my account to the joint one to pay bills out of. I was the only one putting money in the joint account, so it was still a 'which bill to pay this month' thing.
I took him completely off my accounts. I paid what I could. I told him I was no longer paying his truck payments or his insurance. He lost his truck.
I left; I made darn sure my name was off the utilities when I did. The cable was in my name, so that box and bill went with me when I left. He lost the apartment, and we were even renting from his father and sister.
Sometimes, it doesn't matter what you do. If the other party isn't willing to pull his weight, he's not going to pull his weight.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
best to wholly separate your finances from the alcoholic. it's a bottomless pitt.
you are not his mother and he is not a child.
i found it best not to rely on him for anything. not for emotional support, not for financial cooperation.
that worked out well for me.
naive
you are not his mother and he is not a child.
i found it best not to rely on him for anything. not for emotional support, not for financial cooperation.
that worked out well for me.
naive
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
This is exactly why I divorced my wife...
...and did not remarry when we reconciled. It was to protect myself financially and make her fully responsible for her bills and debts, and remove her ability to ***k me over and manipulate me using money.
If you are not ready to live apart from him you can still divorce him legally. Legal divorce does not require you living apart, at least not in the state in which I live. My wife get's angry about it occasionally, but will acknowledge that I did what I had to do.
And it worked, and was one of the rare good decisions I made during those years. That and Al-Anon pretty much stand out as the only good decisions I made between 1998 and 2008.
I wish that were a joke. It's not a joke.
Take what you want and leave the rest.
Cyranoak
If you are not ready to live apart from him you can still divorce him legally. Legal divorce does not require you living apart, at least not in the state in which I live. My wife get's angry about it occasionally, but will acknowledge that I did what I had to do.
And it worked, and was one of the rare good decisions I made during those years. That and Al-Anon pretty much stand out as the only good decisions I made between 1998 and 2008.
I wish that were a joke. It's not a joke.
Take what you want and leave the rest.
Cyranoak
Originally Posted by naive 
best to wholly separate your finances from the alcoholic. it's a bottomless pitt.
you are not his mother and he is not a child.
i found it best not to rely on him for anything. not for emotional support, not for financial cooperation.
that worked out well for me.
naive
you are not his mother and he is not a child.
i found it best not to rely on him for anything. not for emotional support, not for financial cooperation.
that worked out well for me.
naive
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
...and did not remarry when we reconciled. It was to protect myself financially and make her fully responsible for her bills and debts, and remove her ability to ***k me over and manipulate me using money.
Pfft, he actually thought he deserved part of my severance pay from the Army!
bwahahahahahahaha
Of course, he told me all of this at 1am, when he got home from work, and I woke up to use the bathroom. I was apparently supposed to stay awake and chat too, as his retaliation was the blaring music thing at 5am.
Why? Because he is ENTITLED to what he wants, and he WANTS it now.
Oh yes, i did it too, but I tried not be obvious, I was much much sneakier in my manipulations.
Yeah, real couple of cuckoos trying to run the nest.
Beth
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 756
Oh yes, I know it's him being childish.
I've got a decent exit plan set up right now, so I'm going to keep with it. I'll admit though, I'm nervous about how he's going to react after his court date in March for his DUI. I've already said that I would not drive him back and forth to work for the month(or possibly more, because he pleaded not guilty, and is going to act as his own lawyer) until he can get the work release. Because it's NOT MY PROBLEM! He didn't like it much when I told him that.
I've got a decent exit plan set up right now, so I'm going to keep with it. I'll admit though, I'm nervous about how he's going to react after his court date in March for his DUI. I've already said that I would not drive him back and forth to work for the month(or possibly more, because he pleaded not guilty, and is going to act as his own lawyer) until he can get the work release. Because it's NOT MY PROBLEM! He didn't like it much when I told him that.
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