whereisthisgoin

My son is a teenager and wants nothing to do with back&forth...and quite frankly, neither do I. My A does not have any duis or run ins with the law - so no paper trail there. He actually is doing controlled drinking, drinking less now per night / per week than in a long time....but I know it won't last.

So I just decided I don't have to do anything today. I just don't. Today I can't see giving up half my time with my son and half my money to get in a legal, money&emotion draining brawl with my A. I'll just keep reading and thinking and preparing and I'll know when to say when.

I'm sure I'm going to get blasted for this post - and as long as you keep it constructive, I am truly open to your thoughts and words.

tjp613

If your son is a teenager, his wishes will carry a lot of weight with the courts. He will not be 'forced' into a visitation schedule that he doesn't want. He can even testify about his dad's drinking ... and most likely this would be done in the judge's chambers or by sworn affidavit. So I don't think you're gonna have to worry about that.

tjp613

Does he leave any kind of paper trail on your charge cards or debit cards for liquor purchases?

skippernlilg

Shared physical custody does NOT always mean zero child support. In family court, there are three components to children in care: 1. Support 2. Visitation and 3. Custody. IN all states, they are to be considered as SEPARATE components. Yes, shared custody is a consideration for the costs invoved in support, but it is not the only consideration.

Please consult a family attorney for specific outline of these details on your applicable state.

Just keeping it real.

skippernlilg

I also would not worry about that, however, I do not recommend this tack in court. All other testimony should be considered before placing a child before the court with this testimony.

coyote21

I think you are being very wise. One of the first things they taught me in Al-Anon was "I don't have to decide today". You will definitely know when it's time to say when.

If you're NOT sure, it's not time. Simple.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

skippernlilg

What happened in our situation: No ultimatums, but I did tell AB that we didn't have room for Mr. Beam in our house anymore. At first, AB got tricky and invited others in, but then I got more specific: Alcohol is causing our lives to become unmanageable, so we have no room for it in our home or our lives. AB agreed to the premise, to the idea, but couldn't seem to stop. He was using my son as a buffer for his behavior, sleeping all day until my child was home from school. He knew I would not confront him while my child was home. One night, we'd planned to go to his mom's for dinner. AB noticed my son was not with us, and figured we must be having some kind of confrontation at his mom's house. Yes, we had planned a Family Meeting that night to have a discussion and offer support as a family. He was not going to do it, so he drove me home, and dropped me off.

I immediately called the locksmith, and had the locks changed. He tried coming home, but I wouldn't answer the door. He tried calling from a friend's house, and I told the friend I really had nothing more to say than I 'd already said. He was upset and despondent, but did get himself to his mom's house later.

He's been staying at his mom's house since then. He hates it. He is angry with me. He was nice to me on days 4 and 5 of being dry because he was going through the DTs, and it was not a pretty picture. I sat by his side, gave him ice chips, and generally supported his good health.

As of yesterday, he still refuses all proven recovery methods. This is his path.

My path is that I have been attending Al-anon regularly. I bought "Courage to Change" and the Big Book. I read both daily and meditate. I have not gotten a sponsor yet, but I plan to.

Peace in my home has been restored. I only feel off center when I think about the next day, week, month, or year. So, I keep it on today and try not to make any major decisions.

My heart tells me I want my family back together in one piece. That is a 2 years ago and before memory, and I'm not sure we can get it back. My AB and I have been together 10 years.

I will keep reading and I will keep meditating. I will listen for the answer, and hear it when it comes.

Jazzman

Then you're probably good to go. Older children have a lot of say in where they live. Talk to a Lawyer for information gathering purposes.

cambi

Very interesting question and particularly relevant to my life right now.

My story leading up to separation...

-late '07 the drinking started getting out of control
-I found out I was pregnant so I said, get into rehab, or I'm divorcing you-AH went to rehab, was sober for a while, then relapsed and continued to relapse
-DD was born, the whole extended family confronted him, he made it 3 months (a dry drunk) then fell off the wagon again
-I booted him out of the house with an order of protection--he was out a month
-we had a lovely almost year of sobriety
-2010 he fell off the wagon again when I lost my job. We did another intervention--he went to a halfway house for a month.
-As soon as he got out, he started up again--but I landed a job in another state, so it wasn't practical to file fo divorce in our current place
-We moved here, had a nice honeymoon period, then it started up again
-I kept telling him that I refused to live this way anymore
-October--I moved out--it was convenient as we were in corporate-paid housing, so when that was done, my DD and I moved to another apt, he moved to his place
-Now here we are in January, and I'm pretty sure we'll be getting divorced

So essentially, I had a trail of ultimatums, etc. I had to finally do something and make sure what I did was going to have impact.

I've given him no length of time.

If he sees my DD, it has to be at my place, and he has to prove his sobriety. (We own a breathlyzer.)

He is very involved with DD and is here all. the. effing. time. I allow it for now because I want to demonstrate how good I've been with allowing DD time with her dad, while ensuring sobriety. After the divorce, it should be a lot more limited. THANK THE LORD FOR THAT.

I will be going for full custody and my lawyer feels confident that that will happen. Particularly because he was loaded on Thanksgiving--not that long ago--which just reinforces his lack of continued sobriety.

whereisthisgoin

How did you (or did you) document his being loaded on Thanksgiving - or maybe there were plenty of witnesses?

Thanks for sharing your story. I hope things get better for you.

whereisthisgoin

Our case is not particularly cut and dried, since AH is "functional" (and I know that word rubs people the wrong way). He has no legal issues and excels at work. The judges decision on child support is anyone's guess. Of course I'm concerned about the amount of child support but even more, I am concerned about the amount of time I'd give up with my son.

I know that kids adjust - and I could adapt, eventually. Today I'm thinking I have to do what is right for me and son. This thread is very helpful in helping me sort it out.

AH didn't drink last night. I'm sure he want's a sticker for that this am.

Jazzman

States have established guidelines for child support, alimony and property division. Calculating CS for VA residents is a matter of downloading the forms, plugging in salaries of both parents and the number of children into a formula. I found all this info free on my states domestic law web site. Alimony and property division guidelines are usually outlined as well. It's very rare that a Judge would deviate from the states guidelines unless there are extreme circumstances. I seriously doubt your sons wishes would be ignored regarding which parent he wants to reside with.

I think you would really benefit from talking to a lawyer if nothing more than to assess what you and your son are entitled to. You don't have to pull the divorce trigger and cough up a retainer, just gather information based on your situation and domestic laws of the state you live in. Hard to make a decision with too many unknowns.

This is a great resource to get started.
http://www.divorcesource.com/info/di...s/states.shtml
But the best source is your states domestic law web site. Sadly states are so efficient at divorce the mechanics really are cut & dry for the most part.

whereisthisgoin

You are right. Thanks.

I meant to say, how a judge would rule on child custody is anyone's guess.

Editing this post: Actually, I'd have to go into it assuming 50-50 physical custody and not a bounty of child support. I have some friends who are lawyers and that's their advice.

nodaybut2day

Since your son is a teenager, doesn't your state assign a gardiem ad litem to ensure that his desires are taken into account? Where I live, as soon as a child is 12, he or she can decide which parent to live with. If that sort of arrangement could be reached, then you could do school year with mom, summer time and holidays with dad. Eventually, your son will be old enough to decide if he wants any contact at all with his father.

skippernlilg

This is a huge misinterpretation of the laws in the U.S. The court decides what is best for the child based upon the evidence presented, including a child's testimony of desire. But there is no state where a minor child 'decides' where he/she wants to live.

whereisthisgoin

I do want my son to have contact with his dad.

I can't stand the thought of giving up summer and holidays.

nodaybut2day

Actually, my comment was based on what goes on here in Canada, hence the question "doesn't your state assign...?" I claim no knowledge of American laws regarding custody.

skippernlilg

Ha! I should've seen the little 'Quebec' on your location. See? Still in my little microcosm...if I live in the U.S, then by golly everyone does...LOL.

Please forgive my little interruption.

Carry on!!

Jazzman

I'm not proud of the fact that I've learned so much about domestic law... that wasn't my plan. I learned that even though there are state guidelines there's still a lot of negotiating room.

In VA we had to agree on terms of the property division, custody arrangements and spousal and or child support. These are all captured in the from of a settlement agreement which was ultimately incorporated into the final divorce decree (which is signed by a judge). The guidelines are a place to start but are not always what you end up with. If two parties can not agree then the judge will ultimately settle things for you but in a lot of cases people can agree to these issues without involving the courts.

For example, one party can offer to waive spousal support if the other party agrees to waive their rights to the others retirement. This is just an example. In both my divorces there were plenty of gives and takes and we never ended up in court. In my case what I ended up with was what I agreed to. On some issues I was flexible, some issues I was not.

When I hear of people that lost a lot in a divorce I always wonder why they agreed to that?

pixilation

So don't give up summers and holidays. If you stay in the same location, there's no reason for your son to go live with your AH for the summer. Trade off holidays every year. and what's to say your AH will actually keep up with their visitation?