Working my fourth step--again!
Rising from the Ashes
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Republic of Texas
Posts: 451
Working my fourth step--again!
I am working on my recovery from a lifetime of codependency and am presently working my fourth step, again. It wasn't difficult for me to accept that I was powerless over my codependency and that my life had become unmanageable. It was actually God and His Grace that miraculously restored me back to sanity, after my vascular dementia. It wasn't so much me that got me through the first two steps.......but God, Himself!
We need to be aware that human impossibilities are God's opportunities. Nothing is impossible to God, not even to heal the most impossible disease! Remember my doctors could not provide any medical explanations as to why I had my abrupt turn-around and there are no FDA approved medicines for vascular dementia. I am convinced that it was through a divine intervention in my life that I regained my consciousness and survived! Therefore, it was easy for me to make a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God.
What has NOT been easy for me is re-working the Fourth Step......Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself. This is where I had to understand and accept what my DDH has told me about myself. He's told me on several occassions that a person who was "nice" before a stroke can change their personality into a B**ch after a stroke!
I now believe I know where he's coming from! This last year I've been confined to a wheelchair and had to depend upon my family for my needs. Throughout our marriage and raising our children, I hadn't learned how to establish my boundaries. I was the "responsible" one doing it all, conceding to things for the sake of peace, and not expecting anything back in exchange. I had become a codependent with a capital "C".
Believe me! I didn't do anyone any favorites by being the "martyr"! My children are now young adult men and I can't re-teach them to be more responsible. My oldest son has told me that I'm the "glue" that holds the family together. My DDH is JUST to old and set in his patterns to teach him anything!
The only thing I see that I can do at this time, is to move out and establish my own household, with my own established boundaries......and watch my family disentangle itself!
Love and Peace,
Phoenix
We need to be aware that human impossibilities are God's opportunities. Nothing is impossible to God, not even to heal the most impossible disease! Remember my doctors could not provide any medical explanations as to why I had my abrupt turn-around and there are no FDA approved medicines for vascular dementia. I am convinced that it was through a divine intervention in my life that I regained my consciousness and survived! Therefore, it was easy for me to make a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God.
What has NOT been easy for me is re-working the Fourth Step......Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself. This is where I had to understand and accept what my DDH has told me about myself. He's told me on several occassions that a person who was "nice" before a stroke can change their personality into a B**ch after a stroke!
I now believe I know where he's coming from! This last year I've been confined to a wheelchair and had to depend upon my family for my needs. Throughout our marriage and raising our children, I hadn't learned how to establish my boundaries. I was the "responsible" one doing it all, conceding to things for the sake of peace, and not expecting anything back in exchange. I had become a codependent with a capital "C".
Believe me! I didn't do anyone any favorites by being the "martyr"! My children are now young adult men and I can't re-teach them to be more responsible. My oldest son has told me that I'm the "glue" that holds the family together. My DDH is JUST to old and set in his patterns to teach him anything!
The only thing I see that I can do at this time, is to move out and establish my own household, with my own established boundaries......and watch my family disentangle itself!
Love and Peace,
Phoenix
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Hugs, Phoenix. I am actually having a really rough time with the first step and am working very slowly through the Intro Step 1 posted in the F&F Step Studies. I am no where near ready to work Step 4 without blasting myself.
For what it's worth, Phoenix, I know we at SR only see pieces of the real life person, but you have never come across as a b----. And, please don't beat yourself up for the past. We make the best decisions and do the best that we can do with what we have at the time.
For what it's worth, Phoenix, I know we at SR only see pieces of the real life person, but you have never come across as a b----. And, please don't beat yourself up for the past. We make the best decisions and do the best that we can do with what we have at the time.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
We have a step study here on the forums and were just about ready to start on an in-depth conversation of step 4. You might want to check it out here: Friends and Family Step Study - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
There is a different thread for each step with information, questions, readings etc.
There is a different thread for each step with information, questions, readings etc.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Step Four is a tough one. And, somehow, one I feel I need to repeat more often than the rest.
Because, according to RAXH, everything is my fault, it is hard for me to take personal inventory in an honest way. I keep pushing away the things he places squarely on my shoulders to the point where I would have a hard time recognizing if he did stumble upon a point just because I refuse to give him a single recognition of being right in any way... (now, there's a bit of moral inventory right there, right?
)
And isn't that just part of the whole codie challenge? To sort out what is our own and what belongs to other people, whether it's feelings or guilt or responsibility?
Because, according to RAXH, everything is my fault, it is hard for me to take personal inventory in an honest way. I keep pushing away the things he places squarely on my shoulders to the point where I would have a hard time recognizing if he did stumble upon a point just because I refuse to give him a single recognition of being right in any way... (now, there's a bit of moral inventory right there, right?
)And isn't that just part of the whole codie challenge? To sort out what is our own and what belongs to other people, whether it's feelings or guilt or responsibility?
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Maybe I read this wrong,
but
I'm not all that comfortable
with choosing or making a decision
to do something major
DURING the step.
I mean,
the situation isn't good and everything
but -
the simple fact remains-
speaking from within a step system
it would be AFTER the step,
I would think?
but
I'm not all that comfortable
with choosing or making a decision
to do something major
DURING the step.
I mean,
the situation isn't good and everything
but -
the simple fact remains-
speaking from within a step system
it would be AFTER the step,
I would think?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Barb,
I did a step program for my alcoholism.
Have you done a separate program for Codependency?
Or would you do one on ACOA (I have sent away for two of those books, one is a twelve step book.)
I was thinking along the lines that alot of my uh,,,,,unclear thinking came from growing up in an alcolholic/depressive household.
when my daughter was struggling and we had a counselor, I saw how I put my children in me and my siblings roles.
good god.
so, i do have insight, but i like the way you think and would appreciate your opinion on this.
and, of course anyone who has grown up with a substantially altered parent.
Beth
By the way I found the medicine cards, and one I truly felt for was the Blue Heron.
I have a Blue Heron friend who visits the pond/marsh near my apartments.
I named him Fred, and talk to him.
when I saw the blue heron card and read about "balance" well, i felt that in my heart.
thank you for that barb.
and you too transform, for helping me understand and talking with me.
Beth
I did a step program for my alcoholism.
Have you done a separate program for Codependency?
Or would you do one on ACOA (I have sent away for two of those books, one is a twelve step book.)
I was thinking along the lines that alot of my uh,,,,,unclear thinking came from growing up in an alcolholic/depressive household.
when my daughter was struggling and we had a counselor, I saw how I put my children in me and my siblings roles.
good god.
so, i do have insight, but i like the way you think and would appreciate your opinion on this.
and, of course anyone who has grown up with a substantially altered parent.
Beth
By the way I found the medicine cards, and one I truly felt for was the Blue Heron.
I have a Blue Heron friend who visits the pond/marsh near my apartments.
I named him Fred, and talk to him.
when I saw the blue heron card and read about "balance" well, i felt that in my heart.
thank you for that barb.
and you too transform, for helping me understand and talking with me.
Beth
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
hi Wicked -
I have not done the Alanon 12 step program.
But - beginning last year, I 'overlaid' the aa 12 steps
and replaced the word 'love'.
that ... was a BODACIOUS fourth step.
This was something I did on my own
so there's been no fifth step.
My sponsor and I are going to do the steps together
this spring
when the weather
dries up the roads
so we can make the 120 mile trip from her town
to mine.
or visa versa.
I apologize - did not mean to hijack the thread.
I have not done the Alanon 12 step program.
But - beginning last year, I 'overlaid' the aa 12 steps
and replaced the word 'love'.
that ... was a BODACIOUS fourth step.
This was something I did on my own
so there's been no fifth step.
My sponsor and I are going to do the steps together
this spring
when the weather
dries up the roads
so we can make the 120 mile trip from her town
to mine.
or visa versa.
I apologize - did not mean to hijack the thread.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
What has NOT been easy for me is re-working the Fourth Step......Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself. This is where I had to understand and accept what my DDH has told me about myself. He's told me on several occassions that a person who was "nice" before a stroke can change their personality into a B**ch after a stroke!
I am sorry for hijacking your thread. My mother had many small strokes and she was like a child before she had the final catastrophic stroke.
For you to come back from that is a miracle.
Please do not let your DDH take anything away from you by calling you names or saying he read something someplace. Sounds like it might be smoke signals from his butt.
<snicker>
It will be difficult to ignore what he says because you know each other so well.
Hmm, maybe think of your illness and recovery as a rebirth.
You are arising from the ashes.
Some sifting to pick out what you learned and leave the rest.
I hope the best for you phoenix. you are a power to be reckoned with, and I am sure your husband is struggling with that. that is his problem, not yours.
keep the good stuff going and drop the bad.
you have a whole new life ahead of you.
Beth
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
But - beginning last year, I 'overlaid' the aa 12 steps
and replaced the word 'love'.
that ... was a BODACIOUS fourth step.
This was something I did on my own
so there's been no fifth step.
and replaced the word 'love'.
that ... was a BODACIOUS fourth step.
This was something I did on my own
so there's been no fifth step.
beth
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