Timinamama's post took me back. Did you have an event that...
Chaotically Peaceful
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: A state of peace
Posts: 322
Timinamama's post took me back. Did you have an event that...
broke your heart for the last time? Looking back, I can remember exactly what it was. Funny that you don't know at the time that's is the last straw. For me, it was 2 1/2 years ago, XAH didn't come home all night (I may have even posted here). A rough time line:
4 p.m. - Called to tell me that he couldn't pick up the boys because he needed to work late (he even said "hello" to the homeowner while I was on the phone).
9 p.m. - I started calling to see when he would be home...never answered the calls or texts.
Midnight - I finally went to sleep
5 a.m. - I woke to find his truck still wasn't in the driveway. I called the hospital and jail.
6 a.m. - I started calling people I knew who might have been with him.
It was then that I started piecing the story together. He'd left the job site early and started drinking at 3:00 (remember the "hello"???). He put his phone in his truck at 10 p.m. to avoid my calls. Passed out in his truck behind a friend's shop at 2 a.m. His business partner also told me that he'd given him a check for $500 for a job and that he was afraid he'd cashed it.
At 8 a.m., I took the kids to school, went to work and took a long lunch. I went home and got him out of bed. I very calmly told him that it was the end of the line for us unless he got help. He immediately grabbed the phone book and looked for counselors (OK...actually he cried, told me he was loser and pleaded with me to help him because he didn't know what to do). I asked about the money and he told me it was gone. Just a few days before, I had frantically told him that we didn't have enough money to buy our oldest child shoes for school and realized that no more than 3 days later he spent $500 in 24 hours on beer, food, drugs, etc. I went back to work and finished out my day. He folded clothes and cleaned the house (whatever...barf)
You know that totally indifferent feeling you have for a few days after an event like that? From that moment on, it never went away. It took almost two years to finally leave the marriage, but that was the event.
Just curious to know if other people have "events" or if it just slowly happened.
4 p.m. - Called to tell me that he couldn't pick up the boys because he needed to work late (he even said "hello" to the homeowner while I was on the phone).
9 p.m. - I started calling to see when he would be home...never answered the calls or texts.
Midnight - I finally went to sleep
5 a.m. - I woke to find his truck still wasn't in the driveway. I called the hospital and jail.
6 a.m. - I started calling people I knew who might have been with him.
It was then that I started piecing the story together. He'd left the job site early and started drinking at 3:00 (remember the "hello"???). He put his phone in his truck at 10 p.m. to avoid my calls. Passed out in his truck behind a friend's shop at 2 a.m. His business partner also told me that he'd given him a check for $500 for a job and that he was afraid he'd cashed it.
At 8 a.m., I took the kids to school, went to work and took a long lunch. I went home and got him out of bed. I very calmly told him that it was the end of the line for us unless he got help. He immediately grabbed the phone book and looked for counselors (OK...actually he cried, told me he was loser and pleaded with me to help him because he didn't know what to do). I asked about the money and he told me it was gone. Just a few days before, I had frantically told him that we didn't have enough money to buy our oldest child shoes for school and realized that no more than 3 days later he spent $500 in 24 hours on beer, food, drugs, etc. I went back to work and finished out my day. He folded clothes and cleaned the house (whatever...barf)
You know that totally indifferent feeling you have for a few days after an event like that? From that moment on, it never went away. It took almost two years to finally leave the marriage, but that was the event.
Just curious to know if other people have "events" or if it just slowly happened.
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
I went to visit my parents for Christmas break... It was Dec 22 this year, because my A hated my parents, didn't want me to be with them for Christmas, and I allowed him to push me to use up all my vacation days so it couldn't be the 23rd as usual.
My parents are not the most functional people, but they're starting to realize that if they don't accept me for who I am they won't have me in their life much longer, so they're trying as best they can. They still don't ask about my A, they never liked him (never met him, so this has nothing to do with alcohol or anything, it's an age difference thing), but they've been going out of their way to be more considerate to me.
On the drive home I was talking to my A, we had planned to go out to dinner together that night. He started yelling into the phone about what a horrible girlfriend I was because I told him the visit went well but my parents never asked about him. He said I should have swore and cursed at my dad and forced them to ask about him and make them give him a card or something.
I can understand that he's hurt, because they don't acknowledge his existence, but this has been going on for three years, we talk about it all the time, and he still can't accept that they are who they are and me swearing at them (I never swear) won't change anything except make them resent him worse.
At any rate, when he got to the apartment I tried to get him to go upstairs, but he wouldn't come. He was completely drunk, he'd had at least a pint (that's how much was in his car and it was all gone, I had cleaned the car the day before), and he was blaming it on me for not standing up for him. I tried to "detach with love" and all those things AlAnon talks about, I made him dinner he didn't eat (he was still sitting in the car, I told him dinner was ready) so I ate it, he asked if I ate anything I said not really, just your dinner, it was small - and he snapped out about how either I ate or I didn't, etc, etc.
Everything I said was wrong, so after chasing him out twice (once I threatened to call the police, the other time I threatened him with pepper spray) I went to bed. He came in, started ripping the covers off the bed, screaming into my face, throwing everything in the apartment around, etc, etc. I announced I couldn't stay here, I was leaving and heading to work (at 10pm at night).
He's been to the therapist at work, and he's been to rehab for two weeks, and the more space I have to myself and the more he tried to control me over the phone the more I withdrew from him.
I still care about him, I do! But I don't know how much of that is decent humanity and how much is romantic love anymore.
My parents are not the most functional people, but they're starting to realize that if they don't accept me for who I am they won't have me in their life much longer, so they're trying as best they can. They still don't ask about my A, they never liked him (never met him, so this has nothing to do with alcohol or anything, it's an age difference thing), but they've been going out of their way to be more considerate to me.
On the drive home I was talking to my A, we had planned to go out to dinner together that night. He started yelling into the phone about what a horrible girlfriend I was because I told him the visit went well but my parents never asked about him. He said I should have swore and cursed at my dad and forced them to ask about him and make them give him a card or something.
I can understand that he's hurt, because they don't acknowledge his existence, but this has been going on for three years, we talk about it all the time, and he still can't accept that they are who they are and me swearing at them (I never swear) won't change anything except make them resent him worse.
At any rate, when he got to the apartment I tried to get him to go upstairs, but he wouldn't come. He was completely drunk, he'd had at least a pint (that's how much was in his car and it was all gone, I had cleaned the car the day before), and he was blaming it on me for not standing up for him. I tried to "detach with love" and all those things AlAnon talks about, I made him dinner he didn't eat (he was still sitting in the car, I told him dinner was ready) so I ate it, he asked if I ate anything I said not really, just your dinner, it was small - and he snapped out about how either I ate or I didn't, etc, etc.
Everything I said was wrong, so after chasing him out twice (once I threatened to call the police, the other time I threatened him with pepper spray) I went to bed. He came in, started ripping the covers off the bed, screaming into my face, throwing everything in the apartment around, etc, etc. I announced I couldn't stay here, I was leaving and heading to work (at 10pm at night).
He's been to the therapist at work, and he's been to rehab for two weeks, and the more space I have to myself and the more he tried to control me over the phone the more I withdrew from him.
I still care about him, I do! But I don't know how much of that is decent humanity and how much is romantic love anymore.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: seeking sanity
Posts: 645
"But I don't know how much of that is decent humanity and how much is romantic love anymore."
Thank you. You worded this better than I have been able to. This is exactly how I feel about my XAH.
For me it was a progression of insanity. He drove home VERY drunk three days in a row. I prayed that on the fourth day he would not be drunk but that if it was ever going to happen again let it be that day. He did come home drunk on the fourth day. I put him to bed and picked up the phone and called my friend/attorney and made an appointment for the next day. We were divorced a year ago last week. Getting a divorce was the single best thing that I have ever done for myself.
Thank you. You worded this better than I have been able to. This is exactly how I feel about my XAH.
For me it was a progression of insanity. He drove home VERY drunk three days in a row. I prayed that on the fourth day he would not be drunk but that if it was ever going to happen again let it be that day. He did come home drunk on the fourth day. I put him to bed and picked up the phone and called my friend/attorney and made an appointment for the next day. We were divorced a year ago last week. Getting a divorce was the single best thing that I have ever done for myself.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I didn't agree with him on something insubstantial. He screamed and berated me in front of the kids until I broke down and was in a fetal position on the floor crying hysterically.
I think that's when I gave up finally.
And then it took me another 2 years to leave.
I think that's when I gave up finally.
And then it took me another 2 years to leave.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
My 5 year old son put his hand on his hip as he spoke to me, and gave me the most disgusted look. I don't remember what he said but I will never forget HOW he said it.
It was at that moment that I realized my boys were learning how to treat their wives by watching how their father treated me. I slid to the floor sobbing, gathered my sons into my arms and told them we were going to be ok. I called a lawyer the next day.
It was the best thing I ever did for us.
It was at that moment that I realized my boys were learning how to treat their wives by watching how their father treated me. I slid to the floor sobbing, gathered my sons into my arms and told them we were going to be ok. I called a lawyer the next day.
It was the best thing I ever did for us.
Rising from the Ashes
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Republic of Texas
Posts: 451
"Just curious to know if other people have "events" or if it just slowly happened." Well, if anyone wanted to know my opinion on this subject, someone would have read and posted on my thread......Working-my-fourth-step-again..........since no one did...... I guess my opinion doesn't matter.
Love and Peace,
Phoenix
Love and Peace,
Phoenix
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: MO
Posts: 12
Originally Posted by Phoenixthebird 
"Just curious to know if other people have "events" or if it just slowly happened." Well, if anyone wanted to know my opinion on this subject, someone would have read and posted on my thread......Working-my-fourth-step-again..........since no one did...... I guess my opinion doesn't matter.
Love and Peace,
Phoenix
Love and Peace,
Phoenix
Rising from the Ashes
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Republic of Texas
Posts: 451
SKW, brittbritt40, and everyone else! I must apologize for my post; it wasn't called for on this thread. I did take brittbritt40 advice and I did "stop and take a breather" last night. I really do hope some of my other opinions and responses did help someone!
Yesterday was my first full two hours of occupational and physical therapy. I guess it tired me out more than I realized. I want to say thank you to the members of SR! I found SR a good source of support and motivation.
Love and Peace,
Phoenix
******************************
Yesterday was my first full two hours of occupational and physical therapy. I guess it tired me out more than I realized. I want to say thank you to the members of SR! I found SR a good source of support and motivation.
Love and Peace,
Phoenix
******************************
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
I saw my still husband at the time on Match.com saying he was divorced....we were married but seperated. A male friend had told me about it. That was it....but I also had the slow progression of my insanity/sadness/anger/powerlessness. The moment I realized I would be ok was out with girlfriends and I heard myself really laugh out loud and I thought.....wow I am back.....I'm laughing!
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wild West, USA
Posts: 407
My aexh left a porn site open on the computer, during a time when things were otherwise going well. (Note: I am not uniformly opposed to pornography, but he had constructed a huge fiction about how our sex life was bad because he was basically asexual... while hiding his daily internet excursions. If he'd been honest to start with, we'd probably still be married.)
It led to a huge fight. I demanded: "How could you be so STUPID?!!"
He looked at the ground and said, "I don't know. I knew it was a bad idea, but...I did it anyway." Then he went in our room and shut the door.
There was my explanation for all his destructive, hurtful, foolish behavior: I don't know why I act like this, I just do.
And I knew I couldn't live with it for the rest of my life. That was when I started planning to be single again. At the time I believed that if I had stuck it out, I would have totally sunk into his black hole with him. I wasn't willing to do that, no matter how much I loved him.
It led to a huge fight. I demanded: "How could you be so STUPID?!!"
He looked at the ground and said, "I don't know. I knew it was a bad idea, but...I did it anyway." Then he went in our room and shut the door.
There was my explanation for all his destructive, hurtful, foolish behavior: I don't know why I act like this, I just do.
And I knew I couldn't live with it for the rest of my life. That was when I started planning to be single again. At the time I believed that if I had stuck it out, I would have totally sunk into his black hole with him. I wasn't willing to do that, no matter how much I loved him.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 23
When i was told "see, when i'm home too much, you start to expect it, then you are mad when i'm not here". this was after a weekend of him being so drunk he couldn't walk into the house and passed out on "date night". i never felt so invisible in that moment, and the next day i kicked him out, then moved out myself , and i haven't looked back. When you feel more lonely in your home when the A is there than when you do by yourself, it's time to go.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,902
I married my XAH twice. LOL! The second time lasted longer than the first, but he had a habit of having to screw something up anytime things went well for a while. I was getting tired of bailing him out of one situation after another anyway. Finally, one day at work, I got a call from some business on the edge of downtown. Seems my husband was drunk and had wrecked his truck and hobbled to their business to use the phone and call me to come get him. Something inside me just sighed. I wasn't even angry. I was just so tired of it all.
I went to pick him up, didn't yell at him, but it was obvious he expected me to. He kept trying to pick a fight all the way home. When we got home, he went on a rampage, which he had never done before. He was yelling and screaming at me about something or other. I don't even remember what. I was getting scared, so when he slammed the door and went outside to the patio, I picked up the receiver and dialed 911. Unfortunately, he came right back in, so I put the receiver down but didn't disengage it. The police were able to trace the call and they showed up about 10 minutes later. In the meantime, my husband had cornered me in my daughter's bedroom (she wasn't at home, thank God) and shoved me against the wall with his forearm against my throat, screaming at me about how he knew I was going to leave him, blah, blah, blah. When I refused to speak, he slapped my face. Then, he got this look of utter shock on his own face, realizing what he had just done. He let me go, I ran outside, got in my car and started down the road. I passed the police on their way to my house (3 cars), flagged one of them down and told them I was the one who called. The officer asked me to turn around and follow them back to the house but to park across the street. I did. Two of the officers went to the door and one stayed with me trying to calm me down. They ended up arresting him, but it turns out he had some pot in his pockets, so he had an additional charge of possession.
That's the last time he was inside our home. I immediately went and bought new locks and a neighbor installed them for me. I ended up dropping the assault charge, but he still had to deal with the possession charge. I filed for divorce and he didn't fight it.
He still drinks, still does drugs, looks horrible and I don't expect him to live much longer. So sad.
I went to pick him up, didn't yell at him, but it was obvious he expected me to. He kept trying to pick a fight all the way home. When we got home, he went on a rampage, which he had never done before. He was yelling and screaming at me about something or other. I don't even remember what. I was getting scared, so when he slammed the door and went outside to the patio, I picked up the receiver and dialed 911. Unfortunately, he came right back in, so I put the receiver down but didn't disengage it. The police were able to trace the call and they showed up about 10 minutes later. In the meantime, my husband had cornered me in my daughter's bedroom (she wasn't at home, thank God) and shoved me against the wall with his forearm against my throat, screaming at me about how he knew I was going to leave him, blah, blah, blah. When I refused to speak, he slapped my face. Then, he got this look of utter shock on his own face, realizing what he had just done. He let me go, I ran outside, got in my car and started down the road. I passed the police on their way to my house (3 cars), flagged one of them down and told them I was the one who called. The officer asked me to turn around and follow them back to the house but to park across the street. I did. Two of the officers went to the door and one stayed with me trying to calm me down. They ended up arresting him, but it turns out he had some pot in his pockets, so he had an additional charge of possession.
That's the last time he was inside our home. I immediately went and bought new locks and a neighbor installed them for me. I ended up dropping the assault charge, but he still had to deal with the possession charge. I filed for divorce and he didn't fight it.
He still drinks, still does drugs, looks horrible and I don't expect him to live much longer. So sad.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
I don't know that this was the last time, but it was the event that got me to leave. I continued in my denial for several years after leaving him and there's another event that got me to file for divorce, but that wasn't really about breaking my heart as it was about opening my eyes.....
(I think I've probably posted this a couple times here on SR.... Sorry for repeating myself.) XAH, DS and I were babysitting his dad's black lab, "R" (there's actually an interesting story with how FIL got that dog). DS was playing with my digital camera, following R around and taking pictures of her.
XAH proceeded to do his usual round of drinking vodka like it was water and chasing it with milk to cut the heart burn. Part way through the day, he stumbled back to the bathroom to use the facilities, left the door completely open, and fell into the tub taking the shower curtain with him and narrowly missing both R and DS. I ran to the bathroom to see if XAH had cracked his head open on the tub again; nope, he was lucky. I left him there and made a mental note to repair the curtain and clean the tub before I took a shower the next day. DS thought nothing of this; it was normal and kept taking pictures of R.
What broke my heart was finding the picture of R with XAH in the background in the tub on my camera later. It was a very clear shot of XAH's drunken stupor face. I hit me then how both DS and I had just treated this like it was normal. I could not let this be how DS grew up. I could not let that be the dad DS grew up with and I could not let this be normal any more.
It's funny (not funny ha-ha, but, well...) how it wasn't the actual event but a photo of it that broke my heart.
(I think I've probably posted this a couple times here on SR.... Sorry for repeating myself.) XAH, DS and I were babysitting his dad's black lab, "R" (there's actually an interesting story with how FIL got that dog). DS was playing with my digital camera, following R around and taking pictures of her.
XAH proceeded to do his usual round of drinking vodka like it was water and chasing it with milk to cut the heart burn. Part way through the day, he stumbled back to the bathroom to use the facilities, left the door completely open, and fell into the tub taking the shower curtain with him and narrowly missing both R and DS. I ran to the bathroom to see if XAH had cracked his head open on the tub again; nope, he was lucky. I left him there and made a mental note to repair the curtain and clean the tub before I took a shower the next day. DS thought nothing of this; it was normal and kept taking pictures of R.
What broke my heart was finding the picture of R with XAH in the background in the tub on my camera later. It was a very clear shot of XAH's drunken stupor face. I hit me then how both DS and I had just treated this like it was normal. I could not let this be how DS grew up. I could not let that be the dad DS grew up with and I could not let this be normal any more.
It's funny (not funny ha-ha, but, well...) how it wasn't the actual event but a photo of it that broke my heart.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: england
Posts: 162
God he broke my heart many times and still does now but the one thing that made me leave was going back to him after everything he did and still nothing changed,infact he got worse,so in his words 'i bailed on him', but the difference this time is i don't see it like that!
Ghirl xx
Ghirl xx
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
I look back and see so many but I guess they were cumulative.......my sponsers helped open my eyes.....(I had a sponser in Alanon and one in AA).....I am in recovery too. I also had a therapist who said stuff to me that would open my eyes a little more. The GIANT dealbreaker was finding a VCR tape where he had secretly taped over the kids opening presents at Xmas.....of me ? getting dressed.....! He was into porn.....he had hidden the camera . He wasn't home when I found the video. I remember the feeling......who the heck IS he?....and who does he think he is doing this to me.......I was so sad and MAD! It took alot though because I was so code.....oh I can help him......NOT. I know he has a new girlfriend.....I know her.....and I feel sorry for her.
Chaotically Peaceful
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: A state of peace
Posts: 322
Originally Posted by Carol Star
I remember the feeling......who the heck IS he?
One night I was talking with a friend of his. He told me that he knew about a lot of things XAH was doing but just assumed I knew, too. I said "That's just it. I realize that I never really knew him at all. So you see, I don't miss him. I miss who I thought he was." So sad to realize that you never really knew the person you always thought you'd know best.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
SKW, Carol Star, I felt exactly the same way for weeks. Who the hell was he.. what just happened??? very confusing and a horrible time.
I remembered I arrived and he was playing World of Warcraft at 5 PM on a Tuesday with a beer on his hand. His enabler buddy from ages was arriving with another beer. I think it was after the beach weekend he treated me horribly superdrunk then cried the rest of the night wanting to sleep next to me in my bed.
I was going to "talk" but I saw him, I saw the computer, I saw the beer and I just felt this knot in my stomach. And his oblivious way of looking at me. Like I was some kind of decoration not a human being.
A gut feeling told me "You have to leave. Run. RUN. Don't think about it. RUN " I had never felt anything similar. 2 years later I believe it was an angel or God. I would have stayed for the morsels of friendship, attention, "love". I would still be worrying and playing the doormat role if not for that gut feeling.
When I was grabbing stuff I took a cab and the driver saw me crying and he said no one worth a cent would hurt someone the way I was hurting. And he told me God had probably way better things for me than an addict. He also said he volunteered at an addict's recovery home and if only I saw the people there and how they end up like. It was the only reinforcement I had when I felt so alone! I was saved even when I didn't feel I could make it.
2 years later I am going through much healing transformation thanks to HP and SR and people around me.
He is.. the same person. And it's OK. Not my problem anymore.
Sometimes I do miss the friend I thought I had in him but after he did so much stuff, the feeling doesn't last long, and now it's not even a memory I want to have. You know how sometimes you remember someone and are able to feel grateful about some experiences even if it ended? that doesn't happen with XABF. The bad stuff was too bad. Anyway I picked him. Thank God, I was also able to say "no thanks, not anymore". Who knows what he would have done to me in these last 2 years in his progression.
I was with my dad and some family and my dad had pics of me with XABF.. I told him to erase them... and said "he turned out to be an alcoholic, he insulted me and made me cry, I want nothing to do with him anymore". It felt good not to sugar stuff.
An aunt said "its good he is an ex now" oh yeah!!
Thanks for letting me vent here.
I remembered I arrived and he was playing World of Warcraft at 5 PM on a Tuesday with a beer on his hand. His enabler buddy from ages was arriving with another beer. I think it was after the beach weekend he treated me horribly superdrunk then cried the rest of the night wanting to sleep next to me in my bed.
I was going to "talk" but I saw him, I saw the computer, I saw the beer and I just felt this knot in my stomach. And his oblivious way of looking at me. Like I was some kind of decoration not a human being.
A gut feeling told me "You have to leave. Run. RUN. Don't think about it. RUN " I had never felt anything similar. 2 years later I believe it was an angel or God. I would have stayed for the morsels of friendship, attention, "love". I would still be worrying and playing the doormat role if not for that gut feeling.
When I was grabbing stuff I took a cab and the driver saw me crying and he said no one worth a cent would hurt someone the way I was hurting. And he told me God had probably way better things for me than an addict. He also said he volunteered at an addict's recovery home and if only I saw the people there and how they end up like. It was the only reinforcement I had when I felt so alone! I was saved even when I didn't feel I could make it.
2 years later I am going through much healing transformation thanks to HP and SR and people around me.
He is.. the same person. And it's OK. Not my problem anymore.
Sometimes I do miss the friend I thought I had in him but after he did so much stuff, the feeling doesn't last long, and now it's not even a memory I want to have. You know how sometimes you remember someone and are able to feel grateful about some experiences even if it ended? that doesn't happen with XABF. The bad stuff was too bad. Anyway I picked him. Thank God, I was also able to say "no thanks, not anymore". Who knows what he would have done to me in these last 2 years in his progression.
I was with my dad and some family and my dad had pics of me with XABF.. I told him to erase them... and said "he turned out to be an alcoholic, he insulted me and made me cry, I want nothing to do with him anymore". It felt good not to sugar stuff.
An aunt said "its good he is an ex now" oh yeah!!
Thanks for letting me vent here.
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