Please welcome KMPrim

Old 01-10-2011, 06:11 AM
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Please welcome KMPrim

Found this at the end of an old post. Posted yesterday and don't want it to get overlooked.

"my dad has been an alcohol abuser for a few years now and i can't believe how much his personality has changed. it's like someone has invaded his body and taken his soul. growing up he was the love of my life, my best friend and just the coolest person in the world. i believe his work (having to be away from home), baggage from his youth and extreme low self-esteem and confidence have caused him to depend on alcohol. i got in an argument with him last night and slapped him in the face and told him i never wanted to see him again and he laughed and said "fine." i know i was wrong and let my emotions take over, but can he really mean that? i am his only child and we have always had the most amazing relationship and i felt like he was the one person in the world who would NEVER do anything to hurt me. he opened a beer in the car once while i was driving, i believe just to hurt me.

is he pushing me away? does he really not love me anymore? i think my mom is prepared to leave him, and i think she should. he doesn't think anything is wrong (even though he has admitted to having a problem once in the past) and is impossible to communicate with.

i just don't know if i'm supposed to turn my back on him when i believe many of his issues are internal struggles that are exacerbated by alcohol. he knows we want him to get help and that we are more than willing to help him, but it seems he just doesn't want it and feels that we are gaining up on him. i need advice on how to deal with this. i feel like i have already lost him and should act like he is gone and just learn to cope with it. i miss being his baby and i just want him back so bad.

thanks for letting me vent"
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Old 01-10-2011, 07:04 AM
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HI kmprim,

welcome to SR.

Alcohol makes people say and do things
they never would do
were they not in the depths of their disease.

I hope you'll check out the ACOA forums as well,

and I'm sure others will be along soon
to welcome you to the forum.

You've found a good place to get support
and friendship during your problem
but also to find out more about yourself in the process.

Welcome to SR!
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Old 01-10-2011, 07:20 AM
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My heart is aching for you, KMPrim.

I have a child who has gone through something similar -- gradually losing respect for the hero of his childhood because of alcohol. I've seen how incredibly painful it can be, and I've also seen how you as a young person can come to take on way more responsibility than you should have to. I was that mom, like your mom, whose son told me when I left his father, "I wish you had done this years ago."

I will tell you the same thing I've told my son: None of this is your fault. He won't drink more (or less) because your grades go up or down, you behave better or worse, or you act out or are obedient. You have to do all the right things for your own sake because you have no control over your father or his choices.

You also don't have any responsibility to "help out" your mother in all of this. What you do have the right, and the responsibility, to do, is help yourself. My son felt really stuck, not being able to trust his school counselor and feeling too ashamed of what was going on at home to want to talk to his friends. If you do have someone you trust -- a counselor, teacher, pastor, coach, talk to them. Because you also don't have a responsibility to protect your father. You need to get whatever help you can for yourself and leave the adults in your life to sort out their problems.

And please do check out the ACOA part of the forums. Because nobody can understand what you're going through like other people who have been there.

Lots of love and hugs to you. I can tell you're hurting, a lot, and it breaks my heart.
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Old 01-10-2011, 07:21 AM
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Alcohol makes people say and do things
they never would do
were they not in the depths of their disease.
This is very, very, very true. Trust that. I am absolutely convinced that your father loves you. He is just too sick to behave normally right now.
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Old 01-10-2011, 12:50 PM
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I am so sorry sweetheart, welcome to this forum.

Your dad is a grown adult, and whatever his demons are there are a wealth of proffessional services out there that he can access. Your job is not to make him see that there is a problem or solve any of them for him. keep reading around here, and perhaps visit the adult children of alcoholics forum "next door"? many there will ahve lived with similar things.
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Old 01-11-2011, 04:44 AM
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Originally Posted by FormerDoormat View Post
i got in an argument with him last night and slapped him in the face and told him i never wanted to see him again and he laughed and said "fine." i know i was wrong and let my emotions take over, but can he really mean that? i am his only child and we have always had the most amazing relationship and i felt like he was the one person in the world who would NEVER do anything to hurt me. he opened a beer in the car once while i was driving, i believe just to hurt me.

is he pushing me away? does he really not love me anymore?
He does love you, and you can't let his warped reaction hurt your feelings, as hard as it is. He might not want to, but he IS pushing you away... maybe not intentionally but to clear the path so he can continue drinking.

When my AH relapsed after he had brought our kids through their teen years sober, they confronted him and he gave them similar reactions. I remember the very first time he brought alcohol to a BYOB restaurant that we had gone to as a family every single Saturday night when he was sober. The kids looked like they had been hit by a truck when they saw him take it out of the bag. When they confronted him and said that they would not stay in the restaurant and eat dinner with him if he was going to drink, he said "Fine." He was basically telling them that he preferred the company of alcohol to their company at that moment.

After they got up and left, totally distraught, he opened his bottle, and while he drank, tears streamed down his face. It was an incredibly sad thing to see. But I was incredibly proud of my kids for establishing their boundary and following through right on the spot.

Please learn all you can about alcoholism and go to AlAnon. Your keeping your wits about you will help you, and help your mom and dad in the process.
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Old 01-13-2011, 12:04 AM
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I can identify with KMPrim's post almost completely. As I read all of the responses I couldn't help but think, "I wish some one had told me that." (Thank you!)

There's some good stuff in these replies.
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Old 01-13-2011, 01:55 AM
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When I was 11 I started to find out/remember alot of the violence that my Dad had put my older brothers and Mum through and I started to become very resentful towards him. Once at around this age we were having an argument on the phone (he had left to live with his (actually very lovely) mistress by then). I said to him "you can't leave and then try to discipline me I have no respect for anything you say, you think I don't remember all the **** you used to pull but I do, I know you used to hit my mum and bully your step kids".

He hung up and did not answer the phone for the rest of the evening. The next day the doorbell rang I went to answer it. All I saw was my Dad's back walking away from the door I called his name but he ignored me and left from my sight. On the floor in a box he had left every picture I ever drew that he had, every piece of art I made, every gift I gave him. In a box on my doorstep. I was 11.

He refused to take my calls and didn't speak to me for 2 weeks after that.

At the time I was totally incapable of articulating that total feeling of desolation and abandonment. Like KMPrim I had been a total Daddy's girl seeing him all the time and had a very rose tinted view until I got to an age where i could challende him and ask questions.

In hindsight at 28 and now in chemical dependancy recovery myself (my Dad died very suddenly when I was 15 which then sent me into a bit of a spin). I can accept that my Dad did love me, he was just fundementally wounded and had totally stunted his own emotional capability by drinking and using. He had never learnt how to be a well balanced and decent person.

My Dad did love me in every way that he was able, sometimes that was more than at other times but it was never less than he was able to. I am sure your Dad is the same KMprim.

In some ways I am lucky that he died when I was so young so that I could start to find peace around it early and also not continue to have my heart broken over and over. The roller coaster, the not knowing, the disapointment of broken promises to the elation from receiving little scraps of validation to the feeling unnaturally smothered on rare occassions when affection was laid on through guilt or a genuine short-lived wave of love. I have romantic relationships with emotionally unavailable men to do that now *rolls eyes* hehehe. I am working on it!!

God writing that made me cry at my work desk!

Hugs xx
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Old 01-13-2011, 04:03 AM
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Thank you for your post. My husband is an alcoholic who puts me and my teenager on a complete rollercoaster.

I needed to read this today. I didn't have any exposure to alcoholism until my marriage. My son has a hard time talking to me about it. I know he's hurting too.

I hope you can learn a lot about the disease and get support. You are a good person.
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