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Old 01-10-2011, 12:49 AM
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Lurking...

I admit it: I've been lurking around SR for about a week now-- trying to get the feel for things here, and I really like what I've found. This community is unique. I read different threads and it never fails that I connect with something someone has posted.

Here's a little bit of my background: I was born into a family where my father was/is a high functioning alcoholic. While I was growing up, he never lost a job, he never missed a day of work, he never slurred his words, we never had massive amounts of debt. My childhood was good (ignorance really is bliss, sometimes) and my mom went to great lengths to keep it that way.

When I was in HS (not that long ago) my mom kicked him out. They have since divorced and my dad has remarried to a woman who, not surprisingly, has a drinking problem herself. The divorce was final as of last year and what a relief that was!

I am a very recent college graduate (as of two weeks ago!) and do my absolute best to be independent.

I struggle with trusting... anyone really. I struggle with high anxiety. I struggle with perfectionism. I struggle with whether or not I can handle a relationship my dad. I struggle with co-dependency. I struggle with the fact that he is still drinking. I struggle with the fact that losing his wife and kids wasn't rock bottom for him. And as much as there is nothing I can do about the latter, it still hurts.

However much I struggle, I am grateful to have found people who "get it." My friends try so hard to understand, but none of them have through a divorce, nor a divorce with an A in the mix (changes the game, i think...)
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Old 01-10-2011, 02:11 AM
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Welcome! Welcome! Stick around and make yourself comfortable.
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Old 01-10-2011, 08:13 AM
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same planet...different world
 
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Welcome to SR and good to see you coming out of lurking mode!

I doutbe anyone here is from a 'normal' childhood...
I mean, SOMETHING had to happen
in order for us to justify our choices of
relationships with addicts, drunks,
and for me a tendency to marry criminals...

I hope you'll find a wealth of information here,
and someone has already told you about
the Adult Children of Alcoholics forum as well

each of the forums has at the top
what we call 'stickies'...
permanent helpful posts and threads

we recommend everyone peruse those
to help them get a feel for the forum as well.

I think if your dad drank
and it was your mother that made your childhood
if not 'normal' apparently .... 'smoother' ...
then you're pretty much one of us!

I can pretty much promise that far more went on
during those years than maybe she's letting on about.

If this has happened recently
then as with all things
it takes time
go get accustomed to the newness
of the situation.

SR is a wonderful place to begin discovering
just what YOU want to do with what you've been dealt.
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Old 01-10-2011, 08:31 AM
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Originally Posted by cb12 View Post

I am a very recent college graduate (as of two weeks ago!) and do my absolute best to be independent.

I struggle with trusting... anyone really. I struggle with high anxiety. I struggle with perfectionism. I struggle with whether or not I can handle a relationship my dad. I struggle with co-dependency. I struggle with the fact that he is still drinking. I struggle with the fact that losing his wife and kids wasn't rock bottom for him. And as much as there is nothing I can do about the latter, it still hurts.
Be encouraged that you put being a new college graduate and independent before your struggles. The struggles will be there, we all struggle with different things and as long as you know what you can (and cannot) control, that is a big help in struggling less.
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Old 01-10-2011, 08:45 AM
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Welcome! I know where you are coming from and there are a lot of good resources for the children of alcoholics. Doesn't matter if your dad was high functioning or a falling down drunk. Having an alcoholic in the house creates a strange family dynamic, regardless. Now you are old enough to really address those issues and you are very smart to be here, among friends.

I am really new here too and these people know alot. Take some time and read the posts by members. I am attracted to user icons and follow those users whose interests might be like my own. By doing that I have found communities within SR that interest me. I learn alot by reading the progressive posts of others and see how they have done over time. It feels good to see people come, stumble and recover. We all stumble, but it is the recovery that is inspiring. Maybe one day your dad will recover. It happens. Take care of yourself for now. Glad you are here.
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Old 01-10-2011, 09:02 PM
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I appreciate the warm welcome from you all! I have never been to an ACA or Al-Anon meeting before, nor am I in therapy. I tend to blame it on my high anxiety, but I think it's actually a combination of anxiety and not wanting to deal with all of this. As much as the 12 steps are helpful (I'm working on Step One, at the moment...), this recovery business is daunting.

My motto for the past 5 or 6 years (as this is when my family life took a tailspin dive and I comprehended all of what was happening) has been, "Survive now, heal later," so there are a lot of events in my life that I have not dealt with. And I want to deal with this stuff, it's just a daunting, emotional, and painful project. I feel like entering recovery is like saying, "I'm gonna go through some voluntary emotional pain! yeah!" Please forgive me if that sounds irreverent. And I do understand that with that attitude it's not helping me get to that happier place-- it's difficult to get started...
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Old 01-10-2011, 09:05 PM
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It CAN be alot of hard work and very painful..but well worth it, and there are many laughs along the way!

You will find alot of support here and some great recovery friends.
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Old 01-10-2011, 09:07 PM
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same planet...different world
 
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I like that surviving thing...

when it's time, you'll get to it.

meanwhile, test the waters and gather your tools.
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Old 01-10-2011, 11:28 PM
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My dad is a functioning alcoholic.
He is retired now, but as far as I know, never missed a day of work over it. Never got in a car accident drunk (or otherwise). Never had a problem with his partners because of it (although who can say what made my parents split up, ultimately).
In fact, my dad wasn't even around much (but did a one night a week visit and was there for every holiday).
I didn't even know he was an alcoholic till I was an adult.

And yet, I have boundary issues, codependency, perfectionism, and am married to an alcoholic (I dated one before I married one).
Hmm.
Stick around.
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Old 01-10-2011, 11:31 PM
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In my case I got so tired and depressed living my own life that desperation made me start doing stuff, like going to therapy and group therapy and sticking with it no matter what.

I have learned a lot and struggle a lot but there have been precious moments of peace and now I feel I know more about myself and am able to see some of my qualities. I also feel that I can look within more easily when I need strength and hope. I also realize I am treating myself better and it shows, sometimes it is not an automatic thing (I learned to self destruct and self boycott myself from many adults) but I can hear my inner compassionate healing voice getting louder and kicking my a$$ in a good way.

You are free not to take the recovery path but then you won't be getting any gifts either nor anything will change, at least nothing deep. Life always sends messengers and takes you places... I highly recommend a therapist that knows about addiction and codependency, to guide you through this process, you don't have to be alone anymore.

Also my parents divorced and he remarried and it has been tough for me, even when no one was an addict so, I think you are stronger than you give yourself credit for.
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Old 01-10-2011, 11:46 PM
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You know how when you catch a travel bug-- you just want to travel, get out and see the world... maybe I'll catch the recovery bug, and I'll just get super motivated do it! hah.

Until then, it's one foot in front of the other. Thank you all for your responses, they are encouraging.
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Old 01-11-2011, 10:33 AM
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Welcome to the group.
You're right, some days it's all about putting 1 foot in front of the other.
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Old 01-11-2011, 10:38 AM
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cb12.
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Old 01-11-2011, 11:11 AM
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"I'm gonna go through some voluntary emotional pain! yeah!" Please forgive me if that sounds irreverent. And I do understand that with that attitude it's not helping me get to that happier place-- it's difficult to get started...
Actually, I think this is hilarious!
LOL
Yeah, let's go back to the bad old days, and remember the pain.
Should be fun.
:rotfxko
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Old 01-11-2011, 11:24 AM
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Congratulations on your college graduation and welcome.

I too lurked for a few weeks. I've only been a member for 7 days. I landed here while web searching information about alcoholism and families. I found a life line.
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Old 01-11-2011, 10:25 PM
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No recovery bug yet... BUT I am taking my first road trip this weekend-- up the coast to see my best friend! And I'm doing it all by myself-- now if that isn't independent, I don't know what is!

Once again, I appreciate the warm welcomes (and congratulations!). Thank you!
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