Verbena

My Ah has been talking about it might be easier to be dead than alive. Some of this probably because I'm not as easy to manipulate as I was just a few months ago. It's probably manipulative BS. The most supportive comment I've made in reaction to this talk is, "I'm sorry you feel that way."

Anyway, I guess my real question is, what behaviors do I need to see before I can call in some emergency services?

suki44883

Anytime you feel someone might hurt themselves or someone else, that's the time to call 911. Always take suicide threats seriously, even if you're not sure they really mean it. If they did mean it, you might save a life. If they didn't, they'll know better than to pull that particular stunt again.

Verbena

Thank you Suki.

"If they did mean it, you might save a life. If they didn't, they'll know better than to pull that particular stunt again."

Good point. He's been fine all weekend--well, not talking crazy anyway.

kittyDr

I concur. I remember my parents discovering that every time they got really out of control while I was visiting their home (either too drunk/high or domestic violence) I would quietly call 911, wait for the arrival of authorities better equipped to handle the situation, give them the best information I could, and then leave.

Around the 5th or 6th time this happened they asked (in anger because now they were on the 911 "problem house" list) "Couldn't you have just dealt with us yourself?" My answer: "I shouldn't have to and I won't." I also stopped coming over, but that's a whole different thing.

Addiction, the family disease, is not something I can handle by myself.

Phoenixthebird

Verbena, unfortunately, I have found out, it's JUST NOT that simple, any longer! A while back I posted a very similar question about my dry drunk husband, "How much help can someone give to someone who doesn't or cannot want help?" http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...want-help.html
Basically the advice I received was "You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. You can lead a thirsty horse to water, but you can't make it drink if it doesn't want to."

So I detached with love from his problem, and just waited and watched! Since then, he has broken his neck for which he needed medical care; he's gotten into trouble with local businesses; he's had problems with our neighbors, and; he's gotten into trouble with some local police officers.

Unfortunately, we just can't LOVE our husbands into caring about themselves or us! "We aren't bad people trying to get good. We're sick people trying to get well!"

Just my personal opinion. Take what you like and leave the rest.

Love and Peace,

Phoenix

LexieCat

Well, he has a point. It IS easier to be dead than alive, no doubt. If "easy" is all you're after, it's hard to beat being dead.

You got good advice, here--statements like that are generally manipulative plays for sympathy, but anything that smacks of a serious threat should be handled by professionals.

tjp613

Here's a link for assessing the risk of suicide in a loved one: http://www.stopasuicide.org/download...e_Military.pdf

Babyblue

It is hard to be sure but if you feel he may harm himself in the immediate future, you can call 911. They can assess if he is in immediate danger or have him taken in to be evaluated for 72-hours.

You should always take the thought seriously, esp if he has risk factors (depression, substance abuse, family history) but even professionals have a hard time accurately assessing.

Is he getting any other support like therapy? You can tell his therapist or counselor as well.

If you are unsure in the moment, you can call a local suicide hotline and explain to them his behaviors so they can give you guidance.

TakingCharge999

A question I ask myself often is "among these options, which one would give me more peace?"

reefbreakbda

Hi, My wife has put me in this situation a few times, mind the first time she did actually pop the pills and vodka and we went to the ER.

However now, I have a kind of stock answer which seems to quieten down the whole thing.

When she says things like I'd be better off dead, I compassionately respond that if that's the case, we better get ourselves down to the Hospital right away, I explain it was too much for me to deal with last time, and they will be able to help her there.

I do mean it but it does seem to remove the manipulation effect that was originally desired.

lillamy

I guess I'm more in Phoenix's camp here, having heard that line more times than I can count. I would agree that if you perceive a serious suicidalness (along the lines of that link), absolutely call 911.

I have called 911 once. But mostly, I've used Lexi's "You're right. If easy is what you're after, it's easier to be dead. Life is complicated. For everyone." And then moved on with whatever I was doing.

Verbena

Thank you everyone. I'm convinced this was a manipulation and he just didn't get the reaction he'd hoped for.

I'm going right now to check out the link tjp613 kindly posted.

wicked

LexieCat,
I love this.
Absolutely.
beth

StarCat

...I just remembered a sweet little lady at the front desk from an old internship I had many, many years ago. She was telling me about her abusive ex-husband, and how when she finally worked up the courage to leave, he started trying to lay a guilt trip on her about how he would kill himself if she left.
She mentioned how she went to a friend of hers for advice about what answer to give, and it worked beautifully.
The next time he started in on how he can't live without her and he'd commit suicide if she left, she announced, "That's okay, I look good in black." Shortly thereafter, he found a girlfriend, and never bothered his (now-ex-)wife her again.

Seems a little heartless, but threats like these are another form of manipulation, and allowing any kind of manipulative influence is detrimental to our health.
(For the record, I'm not sure I'd have the guts to say that. I get too wrapped up sometimes, and always wonder about that "What if he means it?")

Cyranoak

...and while I'm not discounting the seriousness of suicide threats, nor do I know the proper response for any given drunk in any given situation, I got tired of it really quick.

I had, by that time, been fairly successful in detaching from her, and was secretly wishing she was dead anyway. I was actually fantasizing about it. In a rare sober moment for her I told her that if she ever threatened suicide again I would call the police immediately. She did and I did.

She ended up hospitalized overnight, and they wouldn't release her until after they could do an assessment. They couldn't do an assessment until her BAC was at .04 or below, and that took 16 hours. The hospital bill was $2,000. She actually had the stones to tell me I had to pay it. My a$$. She's paying it in installments now. Also, I did not visit her nor did I take her calls. I did, however, pick her up when she was released.

Here's my favorite part-- that was our last suicide threat confirming that, for her, it was pure manipulative horse ****. She never did it again, and she continued drinking for a long time after that event.

Take what you want and leave the rest,

Cyranoak

iloveme

This one might teeter on the " medical advise " note.....

Yeah, I worked in EMS for years.............

Big red flaggers for Suicidal ideations vs actual intents.......

Things to ponder here........

Any recent changes in his medications, yada yada

without having this post flagged I guess what I am getting at here is you could say to yourself let me rule out any possible physical reason why he could be behaving this way with out just assumming that it is solely manipulation.

I have seen many suicides they are gruesome and unforgettable even if you do not know the victim,

Don't assume everyone has ulterior motives.

Just my thoughts here

By the way my mom commited suicide over the need for a cigarette.

Cyranoak

I should be clear that in my earlier response what I'm saying is that since I did not know if my wife was bluffing or not, I assumed she was not and reacted as if she meant it. That meant calling 911 which is what I did. I'm glad I did.

tjp613

Yes, my son threatened suicide a few times. The last time he did so was back in May. I called 911 and he ended up in the psych hospital for 2-3 days. He's never threatened suicide again since then