boundary, stated clearly and kindly
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
The following does not insinuate anything about you, Transformy. Just my perspective about boundaries, how I used to operate, and how I operate now.
For me, setting boundaries is not just telling people what BS I am not going to put up with from them anymore. That's just threats. Neither is it reacting to someone else's words. That's just bickering. Neither is it telling a toxic person to go to hell and never talking to them again. That's just smart LOL.
For me, setting and communicating boundaries is more work than that. For me, boundary-setting is a tool for me to use in my relationships with people who I WANT in my life. So, first, I have to determine whether or not the person is someone I want in my life. I have to actually evaluate them for whether or not they meet my criteria. Do they add value to the relationship or the world? Do they have the same morals? Do they have the same kinds of goals in life or profession? Are they doing something I can learn from them and apply to my own life? Do they respect me? If the answer to those questions is "No," then I have to find the courage to eliminate them from my life. That's not meant to be mean; that's Discernment. Sometimes, eliminating someone from my life causes great inconvenience, and requires a lot of work on my part. It may mean I have to go somewhere else entirely in order to get away from them.
For me, boundary-setting is determining what exactly the other person is doing in our relationship that is creating trouble for me. I define what behavior I do not like from them and I determine how it affects me. Then, I determine what it is I would like them to do instead. I develop a plan of action for how I will handle my life if the person continues to behave in the way that is causing me trouble. And I develop a communication strategy, communicate the boundary and the action I will take if they break that boundary again. Like this:
When Steve emails me and uses curse words, I feel threatened. When I feel threatened, I cannot focus on my work and my work suffers as a result. I would like Steve to stop cussing at me both verbally and in writing. If Steve continues to cuss at me after I ask him to stop, I will no longer communicate with him on either email or phone.
Communication strategy:
I will invite Steve to meet with me on Friday afternoon at the coffee shop downtown and tell him the following:
"Steve, when you use curse words in our conversations and emails
I feel physically threatened. This affects my work and I can no longer allow this to affect my work.
Therefore, if you use curse words when you talk or email me again,
I will no longer accept any of your phone calls or email.
Do you understand, Steve? I would like to come to agreement that you will no longer treat me this way. Can you agree to these terms?"
Then, get Steve to repeat back his understanding of the agreement.
Follow-Up Plan:
The FIRST time Steve breaks the boundary, follow through with what I said I would do.
Contingency Plan:
List of people who can provide the same services Steve provides to the business:
Jane Doe in XYZ city
John Smith down in XYZ city
For me, setting boundaries is not just telling people what BS I am not going to put up with from them anymore. That's just threats. Neither is it reacting to someone else's words. That's just bickering. Neither is it telling a toxic person to go to hell and never talking to them again. That's just smart LOL.
For me, setting and communicating boundaries is more work than that. For me, boundary-setting is a tool for me to use in my relationships with people who I WANT in my life. So, first, I have to determine whether or not the person is someone I want in my life. I have to actually evaluate them for whether or not they meet my criteria. Do they add value to the relationship or the world? Do they have the same morals? Do they have the same kinds of goals in life or profession? Are they doing something I can learn from them and apply to my own life? Do they respect me? If the answer to those questions is "No," then I have to find the courage to eliminate them from my life. That's not meant to be mean; that's Discernment. Sometimes, eliminating someone from my life causes great inconvenience, and requires a lot of work on my part. It may mean I have to go somewhere else entirely in order to get away from them.
For me, boundary-setting is determining what exactly the other person is doing in our relationship that is creating trouble for me. I define what behavior I do not like from them and I determine how it affects me. Then, I determine what it is I would like them to do instead. I develop a plan of action for how I will handle my life if the person continues to behave in the way that is causing me trouble. And I develop a communication strategy, communicate the boundary and the action I will take if they break that boundary again. Like this:
When Steve emails me and uses curse words, I feel threatened. When I feel threatened, I cannot focus on my work and my work suffers as a result. I would like Steve to stop cussing at me both verbally and in writing. If Steve continues to cuss at me after I ask him to stop, I will no longer communicate with him on either email or phone.
Communication strategy:
I will invite Steve to meet with me on Friday afternoon at the coffee shop downtown and tell him the following:
"Steve, when you use curse words in our conversations and emails
I feel physically threatened. This affects my work and I can no longer allow this to affect my work.
Therefore, if you use curse words when you talk or email me again,
I will no longer accept any of your phone calls or email.
Do you understand, Steve? I would like to come to agreement that you will no longer treat me this way. Can you agree to these terms?"
Then, get Steve to repeat back his understanding of the agreement.
Follow-Up Plan:
The FIRST time Steve breaks the boundary, follow through with what I said I would do.
Contingency Plan:
List of people who can provide the same services Steve provides to the business:
Jane Doe in XYZ city
John Smith down in XYZ city
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