lillamy

If my rehashing of my experiences gets old, feel free to ignore them. But I'm sitting here thinking of when I was on the other side, when I started posting here, when I saw no way out, and when I was hoping that AH would die, because that was the only way out I could see. And I hated the therapist who said, "Listen, My -- he could live to be 90. If you don't want to live like this today, why would you want to live like this next week, next month, or in ten years? You can't wait for him to die: You need to take responsibility for your own life."

Yes. I wanted him to die. Not in the way that I thought of killing him -- that wasn't it. I wanted him to die because I didn't want to hurt him by leaving. Because I was all that he had. He wouldn't survive without me. I was his only friend, his only family, his only everything. And with that burden on my shoulder, how could I abandon him?

It took four years in Al-Anon to realize that a) he was a grown man and not an infant I was considering dropping at a church door and b) what the therapist told me was true: I was responsible for my own life, and he was responsible for his. I didn't have to get upset when he got upset, sad when he got sad, and I didn't have to fix everything, large or small, to make life's path smoother for him. None of that was my responsibility. But I was. And the children were, since I was the parent who had the capacity to take responsibility for them.

When I left, finally, it took a while -- but it felt like getting out of a long black-and-white movie in a dark theater and being stunned that the world is in color and 3D!!!! Or like waking up from a nightmare and realizing with a sigh of relief that, whew, it was only a dream.

I don't feel like a victim. I walked out decisively on my own two legs, after years of working the program and thinking and making small changes and growing in a big way. I made a decision to live, rather than just survive. It doesn't feel like I have years of therapy ahead of me in order to be able to live a normal life -- it feels like I spent years in a cave and came out and there I was again, a little more wrinkled and beat up, but also more humble and wise (hard-earned as he!! and nothing I would ever recommend, but there is that silver lining) and I remembered what I loved and who I was and I could laugh again and love instead of judge at every turn.

I think before I left, I was scared of the new fresh he!! I would encounter after leaving. And there's been some of that -- but thanks to Al-Anon and you guys at SR, I didn't go into it blind; I wasn't surprised because I had heard others talk, about when they left and dry drunks and manipulation and all of that. I knew what to expect in that respect.

What I didn't expect was how quick and radical the change would be. The joy I would find in cleaning my house knowing that nobody would puke in the sink. How quickly I would feel in control of my own life. And how little the small things mattered because the big things -- like being able to make decisions not having to consider an A in the house -- were all of a sudden SO easy...

That's my ramblings for tonight. As always, take what you can use and leave the rest.

transformyself

Amen sister. Thank you for the lovely narrative.

DesertEyes

Rehash all you want, lillamy It helps me remember that there is a way out, and that life does get better if I take care of myself. And that's what SR is all about anyway, so thanks for your honesty and willingness to share what must have been a horrible time in your life.

Mike

mutya123

What a moving & insiparational post, im so glad you posted that. I have very recently ended my relationship with an alcoholic.

Im heartbroken & grieving at the loss of a potential future - but whats getting me through each day is that, the future i dreamed of wasnt real only in MY head, he is only grieving over the loss of a potential carer. Your post has helped me see that things will get better- thank you.

catlovermi

I think posts like yours are the most important, because they tell of what it's like on the other side, not just how to navigate and survive this side. It's critically important that those who need to escape be able to "see" that there is another side, and it's good.

Great post, thanks!

CLMI

KerBearz

Thanks for the post, Lillamy. I needed to hear this today.

LexieCat

A lot of what you wrote mirrors my experience.

It's amazing the sense of self-determination we get back once we are free. It makes us wonder what took us so long, but the timeline has to be an individual one. We leave when we are ready to leave.

lillamy

Thank you. I needed to hear that. Because when I'm tired, or when I'm struggling with the kids' problems, I sometimes think exactly that: "WHY didn't I leave EARLIER?"

You are right, of course. We leave when we are ready. And then there are those miracle situations where the A sees the light and goes into true recovery, and things work out without anyone leaving. Mine wasn't one of those, but that just is what it is. You can't live anyone else's life for them, but it's your responsibility (and joy!) to live your own.

Verbena

SR is valuable to me because I get to hear over and over that I'm not the only woman in the world who has put up with an AH for too damn long, wised-up and found a way out.

I know from personal experience that if you want to understand something, write about it. Getting the words right brings clarity.
Whatever you write helps me while you are helping yourself. That's gold.

So, thank you for typing your heart out.

LexieCat

The other factor, other than what "makes sense", is unquantifiable. We leave when we can live with the decision. None of us gives up on a committed relationship without feeling we have done what we can do. We are the ones who have to live with the consequences. We have to believe, in our hearts, we are doing the RIGHT thing. If we ignore that and simply take the well-meaning advice of others, we don't own the decision and it is much harder to live with.

peaceteach

I love this post. It is very similar to my own experience with an AH and it made me smile today at far you have come, how far I've come, and at how far so many others might come because they found the "permission" here that it is okay to finally put your own life ahead of a grown-up alcoholic/addict's life. It's about that simple in the end, when you've found your bottom, to just realize it's okay to take care of you finally.

Thanks so much for your story.