Hayfmr

AW is getting out of detox tomorow. This is the treatment program she came up with to try. Time to Quit Drinking Anyone ever heard of it before. My gut feeling tells me it's not what she needs and she is looking for the easy way out. She has already had one outpatient and 3 inpatient programs. I just can't figure out how watching a DVD and reading a book is going to make her never want to drink again.

suki44883

I've never heard of it, and if she's already been to three inpatient programs, she has learned the tools necessary for sobriety. IMO, it all boils down to the fact that she doesn't truly want to quit drinking. When a person reaches their bottom, they are willing to do whatever is necessary to recover and live a sober life. If it was just a matter of watching a DVD or reading a book, there would be no need for rehabs, AA, Smart Recovery, SR, or any of the other programs out there.

I agree with your line of thinking that she's just trying to take the easy way out and hoping that will be enough for you to trust that she's working hard on her recovery.

transformyself

Well, the bottom line is that if you're not comfortable, you dont' have to live with her.

You have all the time in the world to determine what your boundaries are. There is no rush. Yes, she's getting out of detox tomorrow, but you dont' have to decide. She can find another place to stay while you do.

Good luck!

Scooter77

When they want it badly enough they'll make any program work....

Taking5

I totally agree. There is a saying in the rooms of AA "When they are not ready, you can't say anything right. When they are ready, you can't say anything wrong".

Phoenixthebird

Hayfmr, now let me see your AW was admitted to the ER with a BAC of .46% after a 10 day vodka binge. According to the Wikipedia, Blood alcohol content - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
at that level she was beyond the stage of being stupor, loss of understanding, impaired sensations, severe motor impairment, loss of consciousness and memory and that is at the 0.21–0.29 BAC level. It took 5 hours and an IV to get her level down enough to admit her into detox, and she is only going to be into detox between 24 hours to 48 hours. Now she wants her recovery program to consist of a DVD and a reading book to be worked by herself. It sounds like she is still in denial. She will still have urges for her addiction......alcohol! Your AW's chosen recovery program will not work for the betterment of herself. I hate to say it, but I vision your AW sitting on the sofa, with the book on the coffee table, watching the DVD in the television set, accompanied with her bottle of vodka.

I strongly recommend she finds an inpatient rehab, long enough to hinder her urges for her addiction, surrounded by other alcoholics, and supporting staff. The very least she needs is to attend AA meetings like her life depends upon it, because it does! It sounds to me, unfortunately, your AW has not reached her "bottom". Every alcoholic has a different "bottom", a place where they have no other direction to look but up!

Remember the three "C"s of Al-Anon: We didn't cause it!......We can't control it!......We can't cure it!

What are you going to do for yourself? Are you going to allow your AW to become your main focus? Do you have children? Are you going to allow your AW influence their lifes? It's NOW time for you to start concentrating on you and your family! You need to attend as many Al-Anon meetings as you can attend like your life depends upon it, because it does! Continue to reach out here on SR. Someone here has been where you are.....they lived through it......and they survived it!

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Phoenix

naive

it doesn't seem like such a program would be successful.

i agree that it appears she is taking the path of least resistence in order to check the box that she has a program. alcholism is tough to beat and i think support from others who have been there and beaten it is key.

and i agree with transformie, you don't have to accept this if you don't want to. with such a program, i would imagine you will be back to square one very quickly.

tjp613

Whatever program she chooses is up to her. After three inpatients she has all the tools in her toolbelt -- whether or not she uses them is her choice. Your judgements about her choices are irrelevant. The only relevance is whether or not she stays sober from this day forward. So... what will you do if she doesn't?

The bottom line is that this is the time for you to figure out what YOU want out of life (like serenity!?) and to take steps to make that happen. As you know, the only thing you can control is YOU.

We'll be thinking of you. Good luck and keep us posted. (((Hugs)))

kia

it really does sound like one step up from "doing it yourself " which as most of us know rarely works and not for any length of time i think the sucess rates for this are quite low from last i read of it as others said a proper impatient program and take care of yourself al anon is brill such like minded souls and helps talking to others xxxxkia

Hayfmr

Thanks everyone for confirming exactly what I thought of that program. When she gets home from detox today she is moving out. That process is going to take a while because rental housing here is very hard to find. So it looks like she will be in a motel for a while. And it will be a while before she has gotten all of her belongings.

Myself I am moving on with my life. Will be seeking legal advice this week. This site in a very short time has done more to help me than alanon ever has.

coffeedrinker

i think it's relatively common for an addict to try things "their way" or a new or different way, in the "hopes" of finding their cure.

prob is, there is really nothing you can do. you can support her efforts this time, or not support them and it won't make any difference......for her.

for YOU, the difference has to be about how you can have serenity.

do you have any possible answers to that?

naive

wow, very decisive move on your part, hayfmr.

but probably a wise one and one that permits you to move on and also encourages hands off her recovery.

transformyself

Just want to say you sound like you're in a good place,despite the upheaval.

Also a reminder to expect the unexpected.

Cyranoak

I detect a little resentment of Al-Anon so just a note, and I'm admittedly protective of Al-Anon, this site is Al-Anon too my friend. Not structured like a meeting, but working around the 12-Steps and practicing the same principles nevertheless.

I'd argue Al-Anon planted the seeds that helped you find this site, as the seeds of AA have been planted in your wife (even as they remain unwatered). Unfortunately, even when watered seeds don't always grow. However, they never grow unless watered. The thing about alcoholism and codependancey is, they only grow if you water them yourself. It doesn't work when others try to do it for you, though others can help. That help is AA and/or Al-Anon, and/or your higher power if you have one (my higher power is Al-Anon-- I don't believe in God).

Take care, good luck, stay strong. She will try to talk you out of it, and it may be hard to say no to her even now. Remember that nothing an alcoholic says can be trusted, and nothing they do can be trusted either until they have demonstrated those actions over and over again for a very long time (conventional wisdom seems to be two years or longer). This is probably true of all human beings now that I think about it. Even then it remains, and always will, one day at a time. That's true on the Al-Anon side as well as my two recent co-dependant relapses have reminded me.

I say this because I'm concerned that, as you move on with your life without your alcoholic wife, you will perhaps neglect your own recovery. In my opinion, that would be a shame.

Take what you want and leave the rest.

Cyranoak

Hayfmr

AW has been home since Sunday. I have no been on SR because I don't want her finding any of my posts because it would add to the tension. She wants to quit and is working on recovery plans. I have decided to give her the opportunity but she has to do it by herself on her own and her way. I don't know if we will renconsile or split up but I am giving her the opportunity to Save our marriage. She drinks to kill the pain from her past hurts. Part of her recovery has to be finding a way to deal with those hurts and moving on. Posting this from my phone sure sucks.

Jazzman

She drinks because she's active in her alcohol addiction. Everything else is just an excuse. Lots and lots of folks have overcome adversity in the past without becoming an alcoholic. Good luck!

lillamy

That's why my RAXH drank, too. Or because work was stressful. Or because nobody liked him. Or because I didn't put out enough. Or because our son got in trouble at school. Or because the wrong candidate won the election for president, governor, or dog catcher.

You are right, of course, that unless she deals with the hurts from her past, even if she stops drinking, she'll be a miserable person to be and to be around.

But even if she does that, as long as she's an alcoholic, like Jazzman says, she'll find a reason to drink.

wicked

and then, there is always just because it is wednesday, dont forget the snowdays!
I am a recovering alcoholic too hayfmr.

Midwestman

jazzman I couldnt have said it better. my AW had a horrendous childhood and I used to make excuses for why she is the way she is. She would hurt me with her drinking in more ways then I can count and yet I would always forgive her because I would feel sorry for her. As far as I am concerned she has become the abuser and I cant forgive her anymore. I hear inspirational stories all the time about people overcoming horrible pasts. There is no excuse for the alcoholic. To me its a weakness of character.

Jazzman

I know first hand that addictions have a way of sneaking up on you and I'm not without compassion. IMO it's more of a weakness of character to wallow in an addiction instead of doing the tough work to overcome it. Let he who be free of kettle call the first stone black! Man I'm on a roll!