Hayfmr

AW has been staying at her mothers this week. I suspected she has been drinking there, MIL swears she has watched her continually and she couldn't have had a drink. Well guess what she got drunk right under her mother nose without her ever knowing it. Anyhow last night she agreed to go to Detox. So this morning I had to take her to the emergency room first to get check out before sdhe could check into detox. Well we ran into a problem. She was too drunk. Her blood test came back with a 4.6% blood alcohol, detox's limit is 3%. Took 5 hours and an IV to get her level down enough to to go into detox. The sad thing is that she was alert and could walk most of the time. How she could function with that much alcohol in her system is beyond me. This evening she called from detox to say she is sorry. I reminded her that I have heard that one a million times before. Then she asked if she had to find a new place to live. I didn't give a final answer. Told her that she would have to convince me. I did tell her that I was never living with a drunk again. Ever. "IF" she can convince me I will consider giving her another chance. Maybe. I am not sure yet. Needless to say today was not much fun.

theuncertainty

XAH did exactly the opposite as your AW. He stopped drinking for a few days before going into an inpatient program and bragged that he'd be 'the first sober person they ever saw'. He probably very nearly killed himself by detoxing without medical attention. Maybe detox is different than an inpatient treatment program, but XAH was not allowed any outside communication for several days when he first went in.

I'm sorry for your day, Hayfmr. Please remember to take care of yourself.

reefbreakbda

It took a while for it to get through my head that until an alcoholic truly experiences the negative consequences of their behaviour, there is no chance they will seek change, it’s just not possible, that’s the nature of the power of the hold alcohol has over them: Don’t try to examine why they are not behaving reasonably.

I am kindly lowering my wife into the hole she needs to be in to make choices. She is still struggling for alternatives to the choice to recover.

Hope this helps!

naive

i found with my alcoholic, he always wanted me to promise this or promise that. if he did x, would i do y? it was like a barter. so i would wait, yet again, for him to do x, or pretend to do x, or fail to do x, always putting my own life and happiness on hold.

it took me a long time to realize that i didn't have to promise anything. how could i know what i would feel like a week from now? or a month from now?

i found and still find it very useful to ask myself "what do i want? what do i need?" and to begin to follow that instead of waiting forever to see what my alcoholic would choose.

i couldn't live my life hinged on what decision someone else would make, especially someone who had a foggy mind and lacked integrity. i began to make my own decisions based on what was best for me. it was hard in the beginning, as i was so used to caring and rescuing other people, but at a certain point, i had to begin to care and love myself.

i don't regret it.

Taking5

Hayfrm,

I am sure that was .046% not 4.6%. A DUI in the states is .08%. Death commonly occurs at .4%, and a BAC of >1% has never been recorded on a subject in the USA.

A .046% an be had by drinking 3 or 4 beers in a couple of hours, and of course any alcoholic can do that with their eyes closed. Or it could be a residual BAC from a hard drinking bout the night before. In any case your MIL either is ignoring the facts or had the wool pulled over her eyes. Don't count that out, us As are experts at it. In any case, your MIL may not be the best choice to look after her after detox.

Best of luck in whatever you decide to do.

vujade

I think dgillz might have accidentally gotten an extra zero in there. .46% is probably where she was and that is VERY high, hayfrm. When my RASO went to the ER, his level was at .38% after being there for a couple of hours. They were pretty worried about him and I also couldn't believe that he was walking and talking. I've actually seen him at a place where he was walking around but couldn't form a sentence. I don't even want to think about what his BAC was.

I think, according to the book Under the Influence (there is a link around here), people who are at a level above .40% can lapse into a coma. At .50% breathing and heart rate slows to a crawl and at .60% you die. It's mind-boggling to think about how many of our own spouses/SO's have been that close to death.

I wish you peace with this process. Is your wife just going to detox or is she continuing on to treatment?

Hayfmr

My mistake, I got the decimil point in the wrong place. Her level was .46%. I'll make sure and proof read better next time before posting. At 4 in the afternoon she was only down to .09%. Still too drunk to drive. She had been on a vodka binge for better than 10 days.

She pulled the wool over her mothers eyes. Best thing she ever did because her mother has now discovered that she can't be trusted.

lushly

hayfmr. I am so sorry. My husband has taken me to rehab twice. Once I had to be detoxed. I at the time beileved that it was just extra $ for the center. Your support is important. That does not mean that you trust. or even let her return home,but if you love her, and beleive in the vows " in sickness and in health" stand strong and true to yourself. Love is an energy that is not always soft and fuzzy.

Carol Star

My therapist who saw me and my XAH came up with the plan he needed to do 90 meetings in 90 days or we would formally seperate. He didn't do it and we seperated. We eventually divorced because I couldn't live like that. I loved him very much. My preacher talked to me one on one a couple of times and said the Bible says a couple of places not to be "yoked" to a drunkard. My XAH had no desire to get sober. He was progressing to more than beer and pot to metadone and pain pills. He drank at least a case of beer a day and smoked pot. He was into porn. Love was not enough. I had to "let go or be dragged".....as I read on SR. I am 3 years after divorce and I am doing well. I will always care about him but was not going to come second to substance abuse and watch as he slowly committed suicide, had legal consequences which effected me too, we were not on the same page spiritually, ruining us financially after I had retired from teaching for 30 years. I don't regret it.

StarCat

Thank you for posting this,
My G is still trying to do that. I did lay down the law in his own language to get him into rehab ("If you don't go into rehab I will never talk to you / see you again") but I did not promise that I would see him if he did (only that it was officially over for certain if he didn't), because I don't know that answer yet.

Phoenixthebird

Hayfmr, the following is a letter written by an alcoholic wife and mother, and for you to ponder on.

"When our marriage was in tatters in 1990 after 18 years of marriage, we both knew that the other had a drinking problem. It was through separation and lots of pain and hard work that we came to understand our own alcohol problem."

"We both got sober and after 6 months got back together, saying that we knew things could not be the same as they were before. Well a funny thing happened on the journey. My husband stayed sober and I did not. I did not want to understand AA and the people in it and I felt no one could ever understand how I really felt. Now my life became very lonely because I had to become a secretive drinker. I was to forfeit many more things in six more years of drinking. I forfeited my driver's license, a job, we almost lost our home (for the second time), I broke an ankle in three places, and, of course, I lost the respect of my children and husband. Most importantly, I lost what little self-esteem I had, and I no longer wanted to live."

"My life was one big lie. When I finally picked the day to end it all, a miracle happened. I made one final call to my husband, and somehow, gave up the fight against my alcoholism. That was my surrender. Since that day the compulsion to drink has left me. This has not been easy. I have had to do the footwork and work really hard on my AA program."

"My children became involved in Alateen and my husband recommitted himself to his AA program. The recovery of the whole family has been the greatest gift of my life. I do believe, though, that at the end of my drinking, my husband was not doing me any favors by staying in the marriage. I believe it prolonged the process and whatever was going to happen would have happened sooner if he had left with the children. He has often said it was getting to the point of his having to leave but his own denial about me was working hard on him. This disease IS cunning, baffling and powerful. The most important part of my recovery has been a supportive, understanding family. They have never questioned my need to go to an AA meeting, function or just meet with AA friends. They understand that if I'm not sober, then none of us have the life we have today."

"I hear so many people in AA trying to get sober with a partner who still drinks and I think how blessed I really am. I, also, hear people who's family resents the time they spend in AA. From experience I know that in the beginning, we almost have to live at AA to stay sober. But balance does come to our life and the lives of those around us."

"It is, as if, I have been reborn, together with my family."

"Maggie"

Learn2Live

I am not criticizing because I totally understand how you feel and why. But I just want to point out to you that conversations about the relationship is how they avoid, deny, and ignore themselves and their behavior, and the alcoholism. And how they place the blame, which is always in their heads, on you and the dynamic between you. You may find it helpful to avoid and even refuse to discuss the topic of the relationship. (((hugs)))

Hayfmr

AW called this evening. She is getting out of detox tomorow. Wanted to know if she can come home of if she needs to find another place to live. I told her I didn't know yet, would have to sleep on it tonight. Well as we talked I her shift and deflect blame game was starting again. I didn't tell her but she just made up my mind for me. Tomorow I am going to just tell her that I have too many deep seated resentments. They affect how I look at anything she says or does. I think it's best if we seperate for a while. I had hoped that this episode would be her rock bottom but I am now convinced that it has not affected her a bit. She is going to do what she wants to and I am just just going to have to live with that fact. However I don't have to live with her.

pixilation

Stay strong! She doesn't plan on actual rehab then? Just this detox she went too?

Hayfmr

I posted a question about her treatmant plan in a new post. Looks like a cop out to me.

suki44883

I agree. She's putting the least amount of effort into recovery that she can.

Learn2Live

This sounds like an excellent opportunity to learn about boundary-setting and practicing this tool with your spouse. I was very surprised when I learned this skill and applied it with an alcoholic addict who lived in my home. It taught me about control and was invaluable to me as it set me on a new path in my daily life (just a year or two ago).