Detaching with love...my experience with inpatient treatment yesterday.
Chaotically Peaceful
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: A state of peace
Posts: 322
Detaching with love...my experience with inpatient treatment yesterday.
So I went up to spend the day with my RASO yesterday. I took part in all the scheduled events for the program that day. Counseling session at 2:15, Hotseat at 3:00. Hotseat again at 4:00 (for SO this time). Patient hour at 6:00. Such wonderful people in such horrible pain.
One guy is in his early 30s and has the beginning stages of liver disease. He said he is lucky that he isn't yellow and knows he will die if he can't stay sober. He has tattoos all over his body, has a gruff voice and a bit of an edge. His form of meditation? His chosen "become one with..."? Playing classical music on his clarinet. Go figure. Pretty cool.
One woman (beautiful, blonde, petite woman) cried when we talked about her family. She is ashamed at the pain she's put her daughters through and how much of her time she has stolen from them. Her husband is so angry and resentful, she doesn't think they will stay married. She is having a hard time forgiving herself and is scared they never will. She has no idea how alcohol become more important than anything else in her life...even her OWN life.
One man got up to speak at patient hour and I remembered being there the night he came in...drunk, sad, broken. I've talked with him since that first night. He is an incredibly kind and friendly man who smiles and laughs all the time. He was sober 2 years, 363 days before he relapsed and spiraled for 5 months. On December 23, he woke up to a pile of empty vodka bottles he'd dug out of the cabinet, trying to find that ONE bottle that still had something in it. He entered treatment later that night.
I realized that I was in the midst of people who are just as disgusted, angry, frustrated and fed-up with their own behavior as the people who love them. How can they ever forgive themselves if no one around them is willing to forgive? It was a good reminder to me that detaching is healthy but detaching with LOVE is what is right for me. I know I love too much sometimes, but I am proud of the fact that I DO love. I DO forgive. And doing those things don't make me co-dependent. Doing these things at the cost of self-love and self-care is where the trouble starts.
I've been thinking a lot about energy lately...how we create it and when/how we give it away. The more I focus on SELF, the more energy I have. Brimming over, actually. When my own bucket is full and *I* keep it full, I have energy to give to others. Its an amazing phenomenon. When you are really focused on self...energy and love are like Friendship Bread starter! LOL!!!
One guy is in his early 30s and has the beginning stages of liver disease. He said he is lucky that he isn't yellow and knows he will die if he can't stay sober. He has tattoos all over his body, has a gruff voice and a bit of an edge. His form of meditation? His chosen "become one with..."? Playing classical music on his clarinet. Go figure. Pretty cool.
One woman (beautiful, blonde, petite woman) cried when we talked about her family. She is ashamed at the pain she's put her daughters through and how much of her time she has stolen from them. Her husband is so angry and resentful, she doesn't think they will stay married. She is having a hard time forgiving herself and is scared they never will. She has no idea how alcohol become more important than anything else in her life...even her OWN life.
One man got up to speak at patient hour and I remembered being there the night he came in...drunk, sad, broken. I've talked with him since that first night. He is an incredibly kind and friendly man who smiles and laughs all the time. He was sober 2 years, 363 days before he relapsed and spiraled for 5 months. On December 23, he woke up to a pile of empty vodka bottles he'd dug out of the cabinet, trying to find that ONE bottle that still had something in it. He entered treatment later that night.
I realized that I was in the midst of people who are just as disgusted, angry, frustrated and fed-up with their own behavior as the people who love them. How can they ever forgive themselves if no one around them is willing to forgive? It was a good reminder to me that detaching is healthy but detaching with LOVE is what is right for me. I know I love too much sometimes, but I am proud of the fact that I DO love. I DO forgive. And doing those things don't make me co-dependent. Doing these things at the cost of self-love and self-care is where the trouble starts.
I've been thinking a lot about energy lately...how we create it and when/how we give it away. The more I focus on SELF, the more energy I have. Brimming over, actually. When my own bucket is full and *I* keep it full, I have energy to give to others. Its an amazing phenomenon. When you are really focused on self...energy and love are like Friendship Bread starter! LOL!!!
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
*tears in my eyes* i so needed to read this today...
~I know I love too much sometimes, but I am proud of the fact that I DO love. I DO forgive. And doing those things don't make me co-dependent. Doing these things at the cost of self-love and self-care is where the trouble starts.~
I so agree with you on this....ummm dunno if i should say i am the victim of my kindness...then i look at it at others...dont look at my kindness as a form of weakness .....dont want to look to insensitive....
~I know I love too much sometimes, but I am proud of the fact that I DO love. I DO forgive. And doing those things don't make me co-dependent. Doing these things at the cost of self-love and self-care is where the trouble starts.~
I so agree with you on this....ummm dunno if i should say i am the victim of my kindness...then i look at it at others...dont look at my kindness as a form of weakness .....dont want to look to insensitive....
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
I really liked your post....
Isn't it better to be the person who at least can give love? Thats what I tell myself at least
The trick is knowing when you are loving the wrong way, the wrong person or doing the wrong things because of love.
The reality of addiction is that what the person does while using is that it is NOT about you, it is about their own demons and internal struggles, made worse by the drinking or drug.
What has saved me from going off the deep end emotionally is that I try to never take his alcoholism personally. Or his actions because of it.
Life is too short to be angry and resentments are toxic. He has plenty of anger at himself without me piling more on.
Isn't it better to be the person who at least can give love? Thats what I tell myself at least
The trick is knowing when you are loving the wrong way, the wrong person or doing the wrong things because of love.
The reality of addiction is that what the person does while using is that it is NOT about you, it is about their own demons and internal struggles, made worse by the drinking or drug.
What has saved me from going off the deep end emotionally is that I try to never take his alcoholism personally. Or his actions because of it.
Life is too short to be angry and resentments are toxic. He has plenty of anger at himself without me piling more on.
Rising from the Ashes
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Republic of Texas
Posts: 451
I compare detachment with love from a love one with an addiction to what I had to do with my daughter in order to accept her death and to start living again. There is no experience as painful as losing your only daughter through a needless sudden death! It took me ten years to accept the reality of her death, to stop my crying, and to be willing to accept the fact that she was in the arms of our loving Savior Jesus! "Letting GO and Letting God" doesn't mean that I stop loving her! I know I will love her for the rest of my life! It only means I am willing to live on and I will survive!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Thank you for this post. It wrenched my heart, hearing something real and personal about these people, suffering from their addictions. It is good to remember that not all addicts are thoughtless, and selfish. Many are sick and lost and wishing for help.this brought me to tears, and I pray for these people. It could be anyone's child, brother , sister, mom, dad, etc. or ourselves.
Bless your son. I am glad that he is there, and I pray that he gets what he needs, and that healing pours down on you and yours.
Thank you for putting them in our thoughts and prayers.
hugs
Bless your son. I am glad that he is there, and I pray that he gets what he needs, and that healing pours down on you and yours.
Thank you for putting them in our thoughts and prayers.
hugs
Originally Posted by SKW 
So I went up to spend the day with my RASO yesterday. I took part in all the scheduled events for the program that day. Counseling session at 2:15, Hotseat at 3:00. Hotseat again at 4:00 (for SO this time). Patient hour at 6:00. Such wonderful people in such horrible pain.
One guy is in his early 30s and has the beginning stages of liver disease. He said he is lucky that he isn't yellow and knows he will die if he can't stay sober. He has tattoos all over his body, has a gruff voice and a bit of an edge. His form of meditation? His chosen "become one with..."? Playing classical music on his clarinet. Go figure. Pretty cool.
One woman (beautiful, blonde, petite woman) cried when we talked about her family. She is ashamed at the pain she's put her daughters through and how much of her time she has stolen from them. Her husband is so angry and resentful, she doesn't think they will stay married. She is having a hard time forgiving herself and is scared they never will. She has no idea how alcohol become more important than anything else in her life...even her OWN life.
One man got up to speak at patient hour and I remembered being there the night he came in...drunk, sad, broken. I've talked with him since that first night. He is an incredibly kind and friendly man who smiles and laughs all the time. He was sober 2 years, 363 days before he relapsed and spiraled for 5 months. On December 23, he woke up to a pile of empty vodka bottles he'd dug out of the cabinet, trying to find that ONE bottle that still had something in it. He entered treatment later that night.
I realized that I was in the midst of people who are just as disgusted, angry, frustrated and fed-up with their own behavior as the people who love them. How can they ever forgive themselves if no one around them is willing to forgive? It was a good reminder to me that detaching is healthy but detaching with LOVE is what is right for me. I know I love too much sometimes, but I am proud of the fact that I DO love. I DO forgive. And doing those things don't make me co-dependent. Doing these things at the cost of self-love and self-care is where the trouble starts.
I've been thinking a lot about energy lately...how we create it and when/how we give it away. The more I focus on SELF, the more energy I have. Brimming over, actually. When my own bucket is full and *I* keep it full, I have energy to give to others. Its an amazing phenomenon. When you are really focused on self...energy and love are like Friendship Bread starter! LOL!!!
One guy is in his early 30s and has the beginning stages of liver disease. He said he is lucky that he isn't yellow and knows he will die if he can't stay sober. He has tattoos all over his body, has a gruff voice and a bit of an edge. His form of meditation? His chosen "become one with..."? Playing classical music on his clarinet. Go figure. Pretty cool.
One woman (beautiful, blonde, petite woman) cried when we talked about her family. She is ashamed at the pain she's put her daughters through and how much of her time she has stolen from them. Her husband is so angry and resentful, she doesn't think they will stay married. She is having a hard time forgiving herself and is scared they never will. She has no idea how alcohol become more important than anything else in her life...even her OWN life.
One man got up to speak at patient hour and I remembered being there the night he came in...drunk, sad, broken. I've talked with him since that first night. He is an incredibly kind and friendly man who smiles and laughs all the time. He was sober 2 years, 363 days before he relapsed and spiraled for 5 months. On December 23, he woke up to a pile of empty vodka bottles he'd dug out of the cabinet, trying to find that ONE bottle that still had something in it. He entered treatment later that night.
I realized that I was in the midst of people who are just as disgusted, angry, frustrated and fed-up with their own behavior as the people who love them. How can they ever forgive themselves if no one around them is willing to forgive? It was a good reminder to me that detaching is healthy but detaching with LOVE is what is right for me. I know I love too much sometimes, but I am proud of the fact that I DO love. I DO forgive. And doing those things don't make me co-dependent. Doing these things at the cost of self-love and self-care is where the trouble starts.
I've been thinking a lot about energy lately...how we create it and when/how we give it away. The more I focus on SELF, the more energy I have. Brimming over, actually. When my own bucket is full and *I* keep it full, I have energy to give to others. Its an amazing phenomenon. When you are really focused on self...energy and love are like Friendship Bread starter! LOL!!!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Great post, thanks for sharing.
It isn't love and forgiveness that is our problem, it's the clinging, controlling, martyrdom stuff that sometimes pass for love that is our problem. When we can let go of the alcoholic and detach with love, that's when REAL love and forgiveness can finally wash over us and heal us.
It isn't love and forgiveness that is our problem, it's the clinging, controlling, martyrdom stuff that sometimes pass for love that is our problem. When we can let go of the alcoholic and detach with love, that's when REAL love and forgiveness can finally wash over us and heal us.
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