Moving on and hopefully he's moving out
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 174
Moving on and hopefully he's moving out
Hi, I just need to type this out 
DDABF(dry drunk alcoholic boyfriend) not sure the official term for that. He has got interviewed by the upper guys in his company and they want him to do a two year training, which would involve moving within the next four months and the possiblities of moving three more times. He needs to let them know by monday what he decides to stay and get a raise or go on to the training.
When he came home and told me this I was first thinking "Oh how cool, getting to go different places may be fun" Then my reality thought, "Well he would be the only adult in my life if we moved. We have 2 little kids and how would it affect them."
Yesterday I prayed and prayed for God to give me a clear answer. Last night DDABF asked me to get a little and I said No. His response was, "Your computer is right there since it's more important than me" and storms off to bed. He gets mad when I use the time after kids are in bed on the computer. Then I get to bed and he wakes up to argue with me. To tell me that he feels sooo rejected since I say No to him alot. In his mind he thinks our relationship isn't going good if I say no to that. So he asks if I think our relationship is going good and is better since he has "Done what I have asked to change" (quit drinking, basically stuff that a normal adult should be doing) I tell him he has improved in many aspects but the relationship between me and you haven't improved. Yes we have been fighting less and yes we have been more kind to eachother. I think I made the mistake of telling him he is living in this fastasy world of thinking everything is okay by doing the things I ask him to do.
He gets all angry and says we have been just playing house and were back at square one. I told him that for now the relationship has been working because I have been focusing on myself and my kids.
I'll quit going on and on but he said he is going to move out (for the umpthteen time) Everytime I pray about things between DDABF, I swear God hits me with reality and helps me see the truth, its pretty amazing. I have been slacking on Alanon meetings and I feel I have been just blowing on my recovery...time to get back on track!
DDABF(dry drunk alcoholic boyfriend) not sure the official term for that. He has got interviewed by the upper guys in his company and they want him to do a two year training, which would involve moving within the next four months and the possiblities of moving three more times. He needs to let them know by monday what he decides to stay and get a raise or go on to the training.
When he came home and told me this I was first thinking "Oh how cool, getting to go different places may be fun" Then my reality thought, "Well he would be the only adult in my life if we moved. We have 2 little kids and how would it affect them."
Yesterday I prayed and prayed for God to give me a clear answer. Last night DDABF asked me to get a little and I said No. His response was, "Your computer is right there since it's more important than me" and storms off to bed. He gets mad when I use the time after kids are in bed on the computer. Then I get to bed and he wakes up to argue with me. To tell me that he feels sooo rejected since I say No to him alot. In his mind he thinks our relationship isn't going good if I say no to that. So he asks if I think our relationship is going good and is better since he has "Done what I have asked to change" (quit drinking, basically stuff that a normal adult should be doing) I tell him he has improved in many aspects but the relationship between me and you haven't improved. Yes we have been fighting less and yes we have been more kind to eachother. I think I made the mistake of telling him he is living in this fastasy world of thinking everything is okay by doing the things I ask him to do.
He gets all angry and says we have been just playing house and were back at square one. I told him that for now the relationship has been working because I have been focusing on myself and my kids.
I'll quit going on and on but he said he is going to move out (for the umpthteen time) Everytime I pray about things between DDABF, I swear God hits me with reality and helps me see the truth, its pretty amazing. I have been slacking on Alanon meetings and I feel I have been just blowing on my recovery...time to get back on track!
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 53
Hi Ls,
It sounds like you are experiencing one of my big fears.
If my AW does get into recovery I’m sure the relationship will be better (I.e. not unmanageable)
Something deeper in me knows it may never be great though.
Right now I would take the DD over the AW, but as part of my own recovery I am vaguely expecting that the relationship will eventually not work out.
I suppose in a way I am going to grieve for that as a long term loss along with the various short term disappointments.
Thanks for sharing your story.
It sounds like you are experiencing one of my big fears.
If my AW does get into recovery I’m sure the relationship will be better (I.e. not unmanageable)
Something deeper in me knows it may never be great though.
Right now I would take the DD over the AW, but as part of my own recovery I am vaguely expecting that the relationship will eventually not work out.
I suppose in a way I am going to grieve for that as a long term loss along with the various short term disappointments.
Thanks for sharing your story.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Palatine IL
Posts: 57
Originally Posted by LS2 
So he asks if I think our relationship is going good and is better since he has "Done what I have asked to change" (quit drinking, basically stuff that a normal adult should be doing) I tell him he has improved in many aspects but the relationship between me and you haven't improved.
Living with a STBXW who has not had a drink in 6 months, but has days where she seems to be recovering and others where she is in DD mode, has emotionally run me down more than when she was an active A.
Rising from the Ashes
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Republic of Texas
Posts: 451
Why......oh! Why?! do dry drunks just think we are able to just flow with whatever their moods, emotions and actions are?!? I'm caught up with this right now myself!
I've posted several times about my DDH and his lack of support this last year after I suffered my massive stroke. He ended up breaking his neck on Thanksgiving Day morning at a Motel 6 here in town. He spent that Wednesday night after yet another argument we had at the Motel 6.
He had been going through an angry stage and even frightened the motel's desk clerk. There was even some talk about her filing charges against him. He even got some cops here in town upset with him. A neighbor man even asked my 35 year old son what was going on with his father. You would think Judgment Day had come!
However, now that he's no longer having his neck pains, he wants to play the "nice" guy. However, I still feel the pain from the last year. I was at the mercy of his temperament! I'm confined to a wheel chair and my driver's license has been suspended due to medical reasons. If it had been up to me, I would have been gone a long time ago!
He keeps telling me to give him time! I've given him 40 years! He tells me to let him know if he starts acting like that again! I've been telling him! He just wasn't listening! It's JUST NOT ENOUGH! I'm READY to start living my OWN life! I'm a work in progress...... God isn't through with me yet!
Love and Peace,
Phoenix
I've posted several times about my DDH and his lack of support this last year after I suffered my massive stroke. He ended up breaking his neck on Thanksgiving Day morning at a Motel 6 here in town. He spent that Wednesday night after yet another argument we had at the Motel 6.
He had been going through an angry stage and even frightened the motel's desk clerk. There was even some talk about her filing charges against him. He even got some cops here in town upset with him. A neighbor man even asked my 35 year old son what was going on with his father. You would think Judgment Day had come!
However, now that he's no longer having his neck pains, he wants to play the "nice" guy. However, I still feel the pain from the last year. I was at the mercy of his temperament! I'm confined to a wheel chair and my driver's license has been suspended due to medical reasons. If it had been up to me, I would have been gone a long time ago!
He keeps telling me to give him time! I've given him 40 years! He tells me to let him know if he starts acting like that again! I've been telling him! He just wasn't listening! It's JUST NOT ENOUGH! I'm READY to start living my OWN life! I'm a work in progress...... God isn't through with me yet!
Love and Peace,
Phoenix
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Desert Southwest
Posts: 192
I don't know what to think about the notion of dry drunk. Are you all saying that when an alcoholic quits drinking they hold on to their crazy thinking? My AH can be delusional. He's angry with me because I don't believe the neighbors were spying on us with hidden electronic equipment--yep just like in the movies.
If what you are saying is true, why the heck am I wondering whether to stay or go? At this point my reasons are more about finances than anything else--I'd probably loose everything I have which isn't all that much.
If what you are saying is true, why the heck am I wondering whether to stay or go? At this point my reasons are more about finances than anything else--I'd probably loose everything I have which isn't all that much.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Are you all saying that when an alcoholic quits drinking they hold on to their crazy thinking? My AH can be delusional. He's angry with me because I don't believe the neighbors were spying on us with hidden electronic equipment--yep just like in the movies.
Yes, verbena, I am sorry but someone who has stopped drinking but has no direction in recovery can become delusional. If there is no recovery to take up the crazy thinking space, then the crazy can run amuck.
Beth
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Desert Southwest
Posts: 192
Originally Posted by wicked
Yes, verbena, I am sorry but someone who has stopped drinking but has no direction in recovery can become delusional. If there is no recovery to take up the crazy thinking space, then the crazy can run amuck.
Beth
Beth
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Here is what I have learned. Putting "conditions" on the alcoholic in order to save the relationship just doesn't work. I tried it, again and again and again. First, I wanted him to stop drinking. When he did, and was still mean, I wanted him to see a counselor. Then he did that, but was still unreliable, irresponsible, and selfish. No matter what I "got him" to do, it was never enough.
Finally, I had to decide if I wanted a relationship with this man, or with some imaginary man I had created in my mind and was trying to get him to be. All the manipulating and controlling I did still did not get me the results I wanted. I was forced to take a good look at what I wanted.
In the process, I discovered that I was the one who needed to change. And how fortunate, because I am the only one I can really change anyway.
L
Finally, I had to decide if I wanted a relationship with this man, or with some imaginary man I had created in my mind and was trying to get him to be. All the manipulating and controlling I did still did not get me the results I wanted. I was forced to take a good look at what I wanted.
In the process, I discovered that I was the one who needed to change. And how fortunate, because I am the only one I can really change anyway.
L
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
I'm not a chocolate addict! I can quit whenever I want to!
I'll prove it to you, too! But wait until tomorrow.
More on the topic on hand, though, I am slowly learning that the man I fell it love with never existed.
Oh, all the right actions where there, the caring and kind words, the conversation about how he can't get enough of me, how he takes me to see the world ("because I'm worth it"), and how I make his life so much brighter and he hopes that he does the same for me.
It's all words and empty actions, though. It happens any time I see the path out of the relationship, and it's completely tailored to my own romantic weaknesses to drag me back into the net and once again under his control.
I am glad you have found your true reality once again...
Now the hard part is figuring out what to do with that knowledge.
*HUGS* Good luck!
I'll prove it to you, too! But wait until tomorrow.
More on the topic on hand, though, I am slowly learning that the man I fell it love with never existed.
Oh, all the right actions where there, the caring and kind words, the conversation about how he can't get enough of me, how he takes me to see the world ("because I'm worth it"), and how I make his life so much brighter and he hopes that he does the same for me.
It's all words and empty actions, though. It happens any time I see the path out of the relationship, and it's completely tailored to my own romantic weaknesses to drag me back into the net and once again under his control.
I am glad you have found your true reality once again...
Now the hard part is figuring out what to do with that knowledge.
*HUGS* Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Something deeper in me knows it may never be great though.
He could not think of one thing. Not one.
That is when I got that deep feeling.
It took a couple of more years and my trying to control him.
But, I never forgot that.
Beth
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