lucyB

Here's the long and short of it. I got married 4 years ago after dating him for 2 years. He is 56, I am 51. When we were dating he and I drank socially together, but I noticed that during the week (when I was not around), he would drink a lot by himself (vodka/OJ). He didn't try to hide it from me. I told him I didn't like all that drinking, and when we got married, he stopped the major vodka/oj drinking. But he started drinking more and more beer and wine. He drank so much until I would notice him acting a little drunk. He has NEVER been what I have always thought of as a drunk....no DUIs, no passing out, nothing even near that. But just the 2 6-packs of beer and the entire bottle of wine at once made me uncomfortable. I didn't like it at all.

So I told him that I wanted all that excessive drinking cut out. I didn't mind an occasional glass of wine or beer, but the excess made me very uncomfortable. He agreed and quit....or so I thought. Then I found he was hiding it from me. So I had a heart to heart talk with him. I told him that obviously he couldn't drink just occasionally or a little, so I wanted it stopped altogether. I told him that I couldn't and wouldn't live with him drinking...at all. That was about 2 years ago. And he stopped. I never saw him with or around any beer, wine...nothing.

Now....2 months ago he lost his job and has been home all day every day. He's been steadily looking for work, but nothing has turned up. Today, I found some wine he has been hiding. I just know he has been back to the big-time drinking during the day while I'm gone. I honestly think what bothers me the most is that I have been cutting back like crazy because of him losing his job. I've been going without stuff....and he's been out buying wine! (or whatever)

What do I do? Do I really even have a problem? Am I making mountain out of a molehill? I'm depressed.

LucyB

JT

Lucy,

It seems to me that you have made yourself very clear...the drinking makes you uncomfortable, and he persists. I don't agree with you cutting back and him wasting money on liquor while he is the one unemployed. This could be a touchy time and a time when you could take steps to protect the finances a bit. At the very least I wouldn't make it too easy for him to remain unemployed.

Is he an alcoholic? Who knows. He quit for some time because of your feelings. He may just be at a low point...many men define themselves by their jobs.

Personally I don't think I would make it bigger than it is but I would protect myself and continue being honest with him.

Hugs,
JT

12stepmarce

If the main reason it bothers you is because you've given up your own drinking.......then I'd check out AA.

lucyB

I think maybe you misunderstood when I said socially drank. I'm talking about I had maybe one or two glasses of wine a month, or even less. I've never even liked liquor. And when I asked him to stop drinking, I also stopped the one or two glasses of wine a month, and am perfectly happy with it. Do you still think I need AA?

lucyB

still learning

Lucyb
Thank you for sharing. Sending you "Angel Hugs" and plenty of encouragement.

12stepmarce

LOL*....no, that sounds like social drinking to me, anyway. My response was off the mark and due to your statement that it bothered you to give it up.

EmotionalMeg

Hi Lucy,
so glad you found us

I am a firm believer that if someone is having to hide their behavior from others, than there is something wrong with the behavior.
Whether we are able to label it or not, his drinking IS a problem... for you AND him.

It sounds like you made some healthy boundaries in the past, regarding what you will and will not live with in regards to your marriage... and now is the time to rethink and mull over those important boundaries.

It may be a good idea to begin to protect yourself financially, getting rid of the risk of your husband spending all of the money on alcohol - if the money is not available, he cannot spend it.

Also, spend some time investigating what YOU need and want from the relationship. Are you having unfair expectations of him? Because whether he drinks or not, your happiness and well being is your responsibilty, not his.
I always remind myself of this: I have to begin by being whole and happy within myself; then I need to create boundaries that protect this... Only then can I begin to have a healthy relationship with others.
We have to START with ourselves.

And as far as the drinking goes, if he is an A, and he has been sober for 2 years... this is a relapse for him. Relapses do happen. It is up to you to accept or not accept the disease as a part of him, Because he will remain an Alcoholic for the rest of his life, whether he is drinking or not.
And chances are, your husband knows this, and knows what it takes to start again with sobriety... Perhaps he NEEDS time and space to work through this. I have been told so many times "Hands off the addict / alcoholic!"... It's not JUST for us, it's for them too.

Thinking of you,
Take care
Meg