When will it all end???
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: scotland
Posts: 260
When will it all end???
Today my sister ( who has been sober for 3 days ) came round to take my dog for a walk as I am sick.
As soon as she walked through my front door I could see she had been drinking! She quickly denied it and went to the bathroom, whilst she was in there I heard her brush her teeth. As she came out she looked bleary eyed & I noticed something sticking out from under her jacket. She had stuffed a half bottle of vodka into her jeans! I was so angry I threw her out the house, this is 5 mins after me telling her how pleased I was that she had managed to get sober.... I feel sick! We find bottles everywhere, under her bed, its bags hidden in the house, outside in the garden shed ( where my dog found her once! ) surrounded by empties. When is this going to end, I cant take it any more, the lies , stealing, her lack of remorse for anything. She does not care & at times I wonder why I do.
As soon as she walked through my front door I could see she had been drinking! She quickly denied it and went to the bathroom, whilst she was in there I heard her brush her teeth. As she came out she looked bleary eyed & I noticed something sticking out from under her jacket. She had stuffed a half bottle of vodka into her jeans! I was so angry I threw her out the house, this is 5 mins after me telling her how pleased I was that she had managed to get sober.... I feel sick! We find bottles everywhere, under her bed, its bags hidden in the house, outside in the garden shed ( where my dog found her once! ) surrounded by empties. When is this going to end, I cant take it any more, the lies , stealing, her lack of remorse for anything. She does not care & at times I wonder why I do.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Hi Nturn -
Nobody can answer that; usually not even the alcoholic.
Everybody talks about the 'bottom' ...
that it has to be hit before actual change can occur-
that goes for you, too.
When she wants to be sober
more than she wants to drink
changes will happen.
Meanwhile -
what are you doing for your own sanity?
Are you involved in recovery in any way?
"Getting better"
is a life long committment for everyone
involved with alcoholism.
I hope you'll continue to read and post here
maybe there's something here
that can help you get through this.
You're not alone, how ever long it lasts.
Nobody can answer that; usually not even the alcoholic.
Everybody talks about the 'bottom' ...
that it has to be hit before actual change can occur-
that goes for you, too.
When she wants to be sober
more than she wants to drink
changes will happen.
Meanwhile -
what are you doing for your own sanity?
Are you involved in recovery in any way?
"Getting better"
is a life long committment for everyone
involved with alcoholism.
I hope you'll continue to read and post here
maybe there's something here
that can help you get through this.
You're not alone, how ever long it lasts.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Have you seen this sticky?
Are you wondering when the pain stops..
Some of it is spouse focused but most of it applies to any relationship with an alcoholic. I sure read it a lot when I first came here. I couldn't quite grasp how all that was ever possible but I made it.
Are you wondering when the pain stops..
Some of it is spouse focused but most of it applies to any relationship with an alcoholic. I sure read it a lot when I first came here. I couldn't quite grasp how all that was ever possible but I made it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: scotland
Posts: 260
Thanks for replying guys
Her life is such a mess & has been for almost 20 years. Id have thought after some of the things I have seen her go through she would have reached her "rock bottom" many times over.
Yes..I have set boundaries and am sticking to them hence the reason I had her leave my home when I realised she was hiding that vodka. Its still very very hard though, my mood has hit the floor today
I step back & watch her kill herself, its out with my control
Thanks for the link thumper
Her life is such a mess & has been for almost 20 years. Id have thought after some of the things I have seen her go through she would have reached her "rock bottom" many times over.
Yes..I have set boundaries and am sticking to them hence the reason I had her leave my home when I realised she was hiding that vodka. Its still very very hard though, my mood has hit the floor today
I step back & watch her kill herself, its out with my control
Thanks for the link thumper
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Tasmania, Australia
Posts: 9
sisters....
I am also struggling with seeing my sister as she tries to stop drinking. So many resolutions, and plans. I understand that relapse happens with addiction but it is hard to be optimistic when the drinking days far outweighing the sober ones.
It tears me apart to go and visit her and see her drinking at breakfast time. She only drinks alone so it is pretty miserable for her too.
Feel like I should be doing something but I don't what.
It tears me apart to go and visit her and see her drinking at breakfast time. She only drinks alone so it is pretty miserable for her too.
Feel like I should be doing something but I don't what.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: scotland
Posts: 260
I know what you mean brocat, my sister drinks alone, she will never drink in front of anyone. She walks for miles, up the hills and can stay out in all weathers to get drunk, you will never find her in a bar, that's not private enough, "too many people will know what i am" she will say.
Like you, I wish I could save her or fix her but I know now I cant, that's why I have had to set me boundaries, for my own safety & sanity
I was due to visit one day in the summer, when i got there she was nowhere to be found..i searched the whole house calling her but no reply...hmmm i thought okay shes gone off to drink & does not want to see me or shes hiding. Meanwhile my dog is in the back garden, i noticed her sniffing around then ran straight for the shed at the top of the garden , she starts barking, scratching at the door... 3 guesses for what she found! Sister plonked herself on a garden chair in the dark, bottle at feet & glass in hand! She will go to some lengths to avoid anyone who may disturb her drinking time.....her life sucks, sad. I myself was mortified, middle of summer, people out in their gardens & I had to help her out of the shed and back into the house, people were watching and I felt so embarrassed. Like I said.... I am watching her kill herself, its going to happen I know it is
Like you, I wish I could save her or fix her but I know now I cant, that's why I have had to set me boundaries, for my own safety & sanity
I was due to visit one day in the summer, when i got there she was nowhere to be found..i searched the whole house calling her but no reply...hmmm i thought okay shes gone off to drink & does not want to see me or shes hiding. Meanwhile my dog is in the back garden, i noticed her sniffing around then ran straight for the shed at the top of the garden , she starts barking, scratching at the door... 3 guesses for what she found! Sister plonked herself on a garden chair in the dark, bottle at feet & glass in hand! She will go to some lengths to avoid anyone who may disturb her drinking time.....her life sucks, sad. I myself was mortified, middle of summer, people out in their gardens & I had to help her out of the shed and back into the house, people were watching and I felt so embarrassed. Like I said.... I am watching her kill herself, its going to happen I know it is
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: scotland
Posts: 260
reading these posts from everyone, for every situation they are going through whether its good or bad has been a god send for me. I am living in this hell with her and I cant see a way out. At the end of the day she is my twin sister and I love her, miss her. All the trauma, hurt, the addiction that's surrounding her is killing her & killing my spirit ( pardon the pun!) Trying to stick to my boundaries I really am, I hate turning my back on her I know I have to...I feel so guilty as I promised I would always be there for her. I will keep reading..
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
I can't imagine what you must be feeling, but I can answer your question. It ends when you end it, as painful as that is to consider.
What I did when I finally disconnected from my alcoholic was to think of her as already dead which, for all intents and purposes, she was.
In the ensuing years she found sobriety and recovery all by herself (which I consider to be the key), and life brought us together again two years ago. By life, I mean my wife came to me and asked if we could give it another go. I said yes and I'm glad I did most of the time.
Take care and good luck,
Cyranoak
What I did when I finally disconnected from my alcoholic was to think of her as already dead which, for all intents and purposes, she was.
In the ensuing years she found sobriety and recovery all by herself (which I consider to be the key), and life brought us together again two years ago. By life, I mean my wife came to me and asked if we could give it another go. I said yes and I'm glad I did most of the time.
Take care and good luck,
Cyranoak
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 163
My AW is like that. Usually she locks herself in the bedroom with her bottle of vodka and drinks herself to oblivia. Whe sh runs out she sobers up just enough to go get another one. This can easily last for more than a week. I used to try to find them but she is really sneaky about her hiding. I would also disable the car but it's pretty amazing how creative a drunk can get when they need a drink. That used to really make her mad too. Finally I just let her go. Do whatever she wanted to. When she started vomiting up blood she got scared and sobered up, for 6 weeks. This time the liquor store was closed for the holiday. She was sober enough to talk but refused. So I told her to find a new place to live. She is still at her mothers and a mental basket case. I have drawn the line. She either quits drinking or she is going someplace else to live. Our kids have pretty much drawn the same line. Just as others have said she has the power to choose and it's her choice. I am just leaving her with options to choose from.
Rising from the Ashes
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Republic of Texas
Posts: 451
*******************************
Many folks do not understand the meanings of the Serenity Prayer, and of consequence are left in a limbo of constant confusion as they continue to battle the conditions of life.
Let us examine this marvelous Prayer of Supplication to the Higher Power, which speaks to all human beings from deep down within.......
God.... A name and concept of this Higher Power, which most folks erroneously conceive to be outside themselves, separate from and alien to themselves, a "Santa Claus" god which is supposed to fulfill their dreams, their wishes and wants, to "make" the conditions of Life comply with their desire and their idea of "religious correctness"... Sorry about that, it just doesn't happen that way.... The Big Book of AA, on Page 55, establishes the conditions and locale of our relationship and understanding which we are to acquire of "Our" Higher Power.....
We finally saw that faith in some kind of God was a part of our make-up, just as much as the feeling we have for a friend...... But of a much greater friend, for in fact it is our own self, Our Own True Self, that portion of localized divinity that He has given to each of His Children. Sometimes we had to search fearlessly, but He was there. He was as much a fact as we were. We found the Great Reality deep down within us. In the last analysis it is only there that He may be found. It was so with us." ..... We are never separate from God. Separation from God is only an illusion that we have created.
Grant......to assure (in its original meaning) a knowingness of the orderliness of God's eternity, a prized condition that we earn through our efforts of learning to apply the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous to our lives.
Me...... the I Am, of self, the True Self, that portion of self which knows that it is, in all instances.
Serenity...... Again a word that is misunderstood, that most folks take to mean a quiet, unruffled, calm, undisturbed, tranquil condition in the circumstances of life about us. In truth what it really means is Presence of Mind in the Here and Now, viewing the Reality of whatever conditions and circumstances that may be occurring ......Not fighting Reality with illusions of how things should or should not be.
To Accept...... to acknowledge the Truth of Reality, to take what is offered or given, to receive willingly...... As we are given Life, one moment, one condition, one circumstance, one happening at a time......God's Life for God's Kids has to be a happening. It can't be any other way.
the things I cannot change......Reality, period......Reality cannot be changed. It simply is. And no amount of mind bending illusion creating will change it. The Truth is the Truth and it needs no defense. The only thing we humans can do with Reality is change our point of view, our perspective. Reality itself will remain unchanged.
Courage...... The ability to make the Responsible Decisions Necessary and take Action to DO the things we already know need to be done in the face of unknown outcomes and consequences...... Our Life is determined by the decisions and actions that we take and the thoughts that we hold, by no other forces. We must in all cases live with the consequences of our decisions or our lack of decision. Life cannot be lived any other way.
to change the things I can......The only thing that we can change is our perspective as we view Reality, learning to make better Responsible Decisions, living our way to better thinking each moment.
And Wisdom to Know the Difference...... Wisdom, an acquired trait through the experience of life, a recognition and remembrance of the things which do or do not coincide with Reality, which do or do not work, of the things which are true, which are honest, for that is the meaning of Truth, Rigorously Honest.
Just my opinion. Take what you like and leave the rest.
Love and Peace,
Phoenix
Many folks do not understand the meanings of the Serenity Prayer, and of consequence are left in a limbo of constant confusion as they continue to battle the conditions of life.
Let us examine this marvelous Prayer of Supplication to the Higher Power, which speaks to all human beings from deep down within.......
God.... A name and concept of this Higher Power, which most folks erroneously conceive to be outside themselves, separate from and alien to themselves, a "Santa Claus" god which is supposed to fulfill their dreams, their wishes and wants, to "make" the conditions of Life comply with their desire and their idea of "religious correctness"... Sorry about that, it just doesn't happen that way.... The Big Book of AA, on Page 55, establishes the conditions and locale of our relationship and understanding which we are to acquire of "Our" Higher Power.....
We finally saw that faith in some kind of God was a part of our make-up, just as much as the feeling we have for a friend...... But of a much greater friend, for in fact it is our own self, Our Own True Self, that portion of localized divinity that He has given to each of His Children. Sometimes we had to search fearlessly, but He was there. He was as much a fact as we were. We found the Great Reality deep down within us. In the last analysis it is only there that He may be found. It was so with us." ..... We are never separate from God. Separation from God is only an illusion that we have created.
Grant......to assure (in its original meaning) a knowingness of the orderliness of God's eternity, a prized condition that we earn through our efforts of learning to apply the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous to our lives.
Me...... the I Am, of self, the True Self, that portion of self which knows that it is, in all instances.
Serenity...... Again a word that is misunderstood, that most folks take to mean a quiet, unruffled, calm, undisturbed, tranquil condition in the circumstances of life about us. In truth what it really means is Presence of Mind in the Here and Now, viewing the Reality of whatever conditions and circumstances that may be occurring ......Not fighting Reality with illusions of how things should or should not be.
To Accept...... to acknowledge the Truth of Reality, to take what is offered or given, to receive willingly...... As we are given Life, one moment, one condition, one circumstance, one happening at a time......God's Life for God's Kids has to be a happening. It can't be any other way.
the things I cannot change......Reality, period......Reality cannot be changed. It simply is. And no amount of mind bending illusion creating will change it. The Truth is the Truth and it needs no defense. The only thing we humans can do with Reality is change our point of view, our perspective. Reality itself will remain unchanged.
Courage...... The ability to make the Responsible Decisions Necessary and take Action to DO the things we already know need to be done in the face of unknown outcomes and consequences...... Our Life is determined by the decisions and actions that we take and the thoughts that we hold, by no other forces. We must in all cases live with the consequences of our decisions or our lack of decision. Life cannot be lived any other way.
to change the things I can......The only thing that we can change is our perspective as we view Reality, learning to make better Responsible Decisions, living our way to better thinking each moment.
And Wisdom to Know the Difference...... Wisdom, an acquired trait through the experience of life, a recognition and remembrance of the things which do or do not coincide with Reality, which do or do not work, of the things which are true, which are honest, for that is the meaning of Truth, Rigorously Honest.
Just my opinion. Take what you like and leave the rest.
Love and Peace,
Phoenix
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: scotland
Posts: 260
Thank you, all of you..Reading your messages lets me know I am not alone, I appreciate that.
Looked into an al- anon meeting which is being held on Sunday, its a wee bit away from here but I can drive there so decided I am gonna give it a go. Right now I need all the help I can get its making me ill. My sister is that basket case too, she is living with mum & resenting it more & more every day, because it gets in the way of her habbit. She looks so full of anger and sadness...
I always liked it when people called me smiler, I smile a lot...well I used to ( generally quite a happy person ) I always saw the best in a situation, looked on the bright side. Here, now, these days..I am not able to see a bright side. I miss smiling, I miss being happy. Im sick of crying and I do feel pain, both hers & mine ( its a twin thing perhaps )
Looked into an al- anon meeting which is being held on Sunday, its a wee bit away from here but I can drive there so decided I am gonna give it a go. Right now I need all the help I can get its making me ill. My sister is that basket case too, she is living with mum & resenting it more & more every day, because it gets in the way of her habbit. She looks so full of anger and sadness...
I always liked it when people called me smiler, I smile a lot...well I used to ( generally quite a happy person ) I always saw the best in a situation, looked on the bright side. Here, now, these days..I am not able to see a bright side. I miss smiling, I miss being happy. Im sick of crying and I do feel pain, both hers & mine ( its a twin thing perhaps )
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: scotland
Posts: 260
Thanks everyone..
Today I went back to work & I must say it was great to get myself into something other than the events at mums house, I dropped in as I do daily to see how mums coping ( she is 76 yrs old ) sis was up in her room with the door closed , I resisted going up there as did mum after she noticed her returning from the store earlier in the day with a bag of booze. She lives up there these days, like a wee hermit.
Chalk one up for mum who poured 2 bottles of vodka down the sink , stood her ground when telling sis that she was not getting in the house with it. Reluctantly she handed it over to mum, then went for a walk to cool off. While she was out she must have bought more because she came back 2 sheets to the wind! Mum left her alone after that & so have I..my point is, no matter what we do she will find a way to get her fix so yes I accept that's out with my control & things I cant change (God knows I have tried for years to save her or fix her) ...meanwhile, I have a life to live. Its not always easy to detach but I am trying...for me, my health, my state of mind, my sanity
Today I went back to work & I must say it was great to get myself into something other than the events at mums house, I dropped in as I do daily to see how mums coping ( she is 76 yrs old ) sis was up in her room with the door closed , I resisted going up there as did mum after she noticed her returning from the store earlier in the day with a bag of booze. She lives up there these days, like a wee hermit.
Chalk one up for mum who poured 2 bottles of vodka down the sink , stood her ground when telling sis that she was not getting in the house with it. Reluctantly she handed it over to mum, then went for a walk to cool off. While she was out she must have bought more because she came back 2 sheets to the wind! Mum left her alone after that & so have I..my point is, no matter what we do she will find a way to get her fix so yes I accept that's out with my control & things I cant change (God knows I have tried for years to save her or fix her) ...meanwhile, I have a life to live. Its not always easy to detach but I am trying...for me, my health, my state of mind, my sanity
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Tasmania, Australia
Posts: 9
My sister says she no longer wants to talk about her drinking with me. She acknowledges that she is often the one who raises it but that it consumes our relationship so that she is either drinking or talking about whether she is or not. I agreed to give it a go. We had a great night together last night. We had arranged to go out to dinner but she sent me a text saying that she was drunk, angry ("why do I get so angry" she texted) and bad company. I suggested at least bringing her food (we were going to her favourite Turkish and had been so looking forward to it). Persuaded the restuarant to do takeaways from the sit down menu. My sister was so surprised and pleased. I didn't even comment on her being drunk but said lets eat, she had asked me to pick up a dvd (Braveheart!! yes NTurn watched it many times). Enjoyed the meal and the dvd (closed my eyes to her stumbles becuase I just wanted to see her enjoy something). Tomorrow's another day.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Been through so many stages of pain and, finally, peace w/ my Abros drinking.
Middle bro having a good long stretch of sobriety recently - but he's stopped going to meetings and I can see his bitterness and resentment creeping back in...but that's just who he is, sober or not.
Little bro unfortunately is back in the bottle, confirmed for me when I saw him at Christmas - God it was soooooooooooo sad, he's really deteriorating fast now.
One thing I did long ago, with the help of ALAnon (I could never have figured this stuff out alone) was stop making my relationship with them all about the booze. The hardest thing was enforcing my boundaries for myself, and without anger. If I showed up for a planned event and they were drinking or wasted I would just leave - with practice I was able to do it without any huffing and puffing, heavy sighing, slamming of doors etc!
I had learned in AlAnon that all those expressions of anger by me were because I had an expectation that an alcoholic wouldn't drink! I came to see that's as silly as an expectation that a dog won't bark. I was angry because I wasn't accepting my bros 100% for who they were. I was on some unconscious level always secretly hoping that my anger or huffing and puffing would make them go "Oh, snap, she's mad cuz I'm drinking, I should apologize, and stop drinking!"
Oh magical thinking!
Once I really, really, really accepted that they are alcoholics, and really, really, really accepted my powerlessness over other people....only then did I find the peace of mind to either stay away from them because they were messing with my serenity - or engage with them exactly as they are, and discuss anything - books, movies, politics - just for God's sakes no discussions about what they "should be" doing etc!
Is it a sad process, yes. There have been moments of real deep grieving. But I will not let their alcoholism take me down too! The best thing I can do for myself and for them is live my life to the full with joy and peace - and maybe, just maybe they will want something like that and seek help from people who know how to get off booze. I can't help them stop drinking. I am not an alcoholic and all I can tell them to do is what I like to think I would do which is go to AA! And they know how to get to AA. So. That's it.
One day at a time NTurn. And I do hope you find some help in AlAnon - it was a lifesaver for me.
(((hugs)))
Peace-
B
Middle bro having a good long stretch of sobriety recently - but he's stopped going to meetings and I can see his bitterness and resentment creeping back in...but that's just who he is, sober or not.
Little bro unfortunately is back in the bottle, confirmed for me when I saw him at Christmas - God it was soooooooooooo sad, he's really deteriorating fast now.
One thing I did long ago, with the help of ALAnon (I could never have figured this stuff out alone) was stop making my relationship with them all about the booze. The hardest thing was enforcing my boundaries for myself, and without anger. If I showed up for a planned event and they were drinking or wasted I would just leave - with practice I was able to do it without any huffing and puffing, heavy sighing, slamming of doors etc!
I had learned in AlAnon that all those expressions of anger by me were because I had an expectation that an alcoholic wouldn't drink! I came to see that's as silly as an expectation that a dog won't bark. I was angry because I wasn't accepting my bros 100% for who they were. I was on some unconscious level always secretly hoping that my anger or huffing and puffing would make them go "Oh, snap, she's mad cuz I'm drinking, I should apologize, and stop drinking!"
Oh magical thinking!
Once I really, really, really accepted that they are alcoholics, and really, really, really accepted my powerlessness over other people....only then did I find the peace of mind to either stay away from them because they were messing with my serenity - or engage with them exactly as they are, and discuss anything - books, movies, politics - just for God's sakes no discussions about what they "should be" doing etc!
Is it a sad process, yes. There have been moments of real deep grieving. But I will not let their alcoholism take me down too! The best thing I can do for myself and for them is live my life to the full with joy and peace - and maybe, just maybe they will want something like that and seek help from people who know how to get off booze. I can't help them stop drinking. I am not an alcoholic and all I can tell them to do is what I like to think I would do which is go to AA! And they know how to get to AA. So. That's it.
One day at a time NTurn. And I do hope you find some help in AlAnon - it was a lifesaver for me.
(((hugs)))
Peace-
B
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: scotland
Posts: 260
I had this conversation with my mother yesterday about why whenever we talk its always about my sisters drinking..what she has done now or hasn't done. Because its all she does at the moment plus all our lives revolve around it and yes I agree its probably not helping the situation or her frame of mind. We are gonna try to give that a go, not bombard her with questions or what we may think help. God knows her mind cant absorb very much at the moment.I felt like I was giving her advice & support but I have probably been making things worse with her state of mind right now & for that I feel bad.
I can totally relate to your comment too Bernadette :
"I was on some unconscious level always secretly hoping that my anger or huffing and puffing would make them go "Oh, snap, she's mad cuz I'm drinking, I should apologize, and stop drinking!"........
In an ideal world right
Once again thank you all of you, I have nothing but praise for this forum, cant stress enough the help SR & all of you have given me, much appreciated!
I can totally relate to your comment too Bernadette :
"I was on some unconscious level always secretly hoping that my anger or huffing and puffing would make them go "Oh, snap, she's mad cuz I'm drinking, I should apologize, and stop drinking!"........
In an ideal world right
Once again thank you all of you, I have nothing but praise for this forum, cant stress enough the help SR & all of you have given me, much appreciated!
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Nturn,
Try not to feel bad about what you have done up til now.
You only did what you thought would help, because you love your sister.
Time for you and your mum to get some help with recovery.
You could go to AlAnon, and continue to live your life without your sister's illness being the center of it.
My sister is addicted to opiates. I love her so much, but cannot deal with her at all.
We are only 16 months apart in age, and she came to live with me last year.
It ended badly.
As a twin, I cannot imagine how hurtful this is for you.
Please do what you can to take care of yourself.
Beth
(Oh, I love Scotland, I would love to live there one day)
Try not to feel bad about what you have done up til now.
You only did what you thought would help, because you love your sister.
Time for you and your mum to get some help with recovery.
You could go to AlAnon, and continue to live your life without your sister's illness being the center of it.
My sister is addicted to opiates. I love her so much, but cannot deal with her at all.
We are only 16 months apart in age, and she came to live with me last year.
It ended badly.
As a twin, I cannot imagine how hurtful this is for you.
Please do what you can to take care of yourself.
Beth
(Oh, I love Scotland, I would love to live there one day)
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