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I'm spinning out here... the daughter was not in her bed this morning...

Old 01-05-2011, 09:33 AM
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I'm spinning out here... the daughter was not in her bed this morning...

Good Morning,

My daughter was not in her bed this morning. Her keys and phone are gone, and she isn't answering texts or phone calls. Neither is her boyfriend who I'm fairly certain I'm going to kill. My next posts will probably be from jail.

While I've know for a long time she is struggling, there were no overt signs something like this was going to happen. It's making me crazy not being able to contact her.

My mind is racing, imagining the worst-case scenarios, and I can't concentrate at work at a time I really, really, really need to be concentrating at work.

I didn't know this is what I was signing up for. I want to quit. Why can't I detach from her like I can from her mother?

I'm frustrated, terrified, angry and resentful.

I mostly needed to write this. Because of work I can't check in to SR again until this evening, so I won't see any responses there may be to this post.

I'm just grateful this site exists.

Take care everybody.

Cyranoak

P.s. If you are considering having children, I highly recommend reconsidering that. If you are consideriing marrying somebody with children, I'd highly recommend reconsidering that. Unless you've done it before, you have no idea the depth of the ocean into which you are jumping, nor the strength of the riptides that will drag you out to sea, remove your skin leaving only raw nerves, and over which you will have absolutely no control no matter how fast or how far you can swim.
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Old 01-05-2011, 09:55 AM
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AAaaaal right now. Big, deep breaths.

She's got "keys" so she's at least the legal age to drive, no? We're not talking about a 10 year old right? How old is she?

If you want advice, here's what I would do:

Nothing. Not one damn thing. Go to work, do the laundry, get a message.

Let go. She's made her choice and you cannot control it. Really.

When she does reappear, pretend nothing has happened. Let her climb into her bed and sleep it off. Say hello, keep humming and do the dishes as if nothing she has done has impacted you.

Depending on her age, while she's sleeping you take away the phone and keys, or whatever you deem necessary, but it all happens without a raised voice. You create boundaries you know you can enforce-WITH A HAPPY SMILING FACE.

No drama. No raging. No tears.

Just say, "I see you've been making some choices about your life. That's part of growing up. However, here are my/our boundaries. How are the consequences. Gotta go, see ya later.

Everything is just fine. You have a daughter who is out living it up right now, that's all. She's fin and even if she's not, she's making her choices.

How old IS she?
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Old 01-05-2011, 09:55 AM
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I agree. It never ends.

have you heard from her yet?
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Old 01-05-2011, 09:58 AM
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Cyranoak,

I know this pain. My daughter was using whatever she got her hands on, and disappearing with the drugged out dealer. He would get robbed or beat up every so often cause he was a fool.
And boy, I understand those riptides of emotion, actually pulling me out to the sea of alcoholism again. Just numb the fear and the pain. God, it was awful.
Just know that my daughter always found her way home, and a couple of times, the cops brought her home.
My thoughts are with you during this day.

Beth

mother of a foolish young girl.
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Old 01-05-2011, 10:08 AM
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*cringe*

I was that daughter. As a teen and very young adult, when my emotions, especially anger at being neglected (that was my specific situation) were more than I could cope with, I would bail out for awhile, often not telling anyone where I was going. And I would say: "There are two possibilities: I'm okay or I'm not, and either way, there isn't much you can do about it." (I'm more considerate now, and I do check in calls if I'm going to be on the road, but I still think I had a point about that.)

The more bent out of shape my family got about it, the more I asserted my independence in the most obnoxious way possible just to prove that 1. I could do what I wanted and 2. I existed and was a person to be reckoned with. When they ignored my bad behavior and interacted with me in a positive way, I acted in a more mature manner.

As for it being difficult to detach: personally, the more I harbor the illusion that I can control something, the harder it is to detach. When I'm fully aware that there's nothing I can do, detaching gets to be automatic. (Of course, my kid is 11, and if she disappeared I'd hit the roof for reasons having to do with her being a child. We'll see how I do when she's 17 and spreading her wings.)
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Old 01-05-2011, 10:08 AM
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Oh my.

She is 15 right? She's most likely just fine. She has a car and a phone and has basic survival skills at this point! I don't really have any specific advice but my heart was pounding reading your post so I wanted to respond.

In general - deep breaths and let the adrenaline rush pass so that when you do talk with her you can be less afraid, angry parent and more calm, in control parent. Come up with a plan for what the consequences will be and a conversation that is concern and fact based rather then anger based. Give her time to talk too.

Feel for ya today. Parenting is a hard gig.
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Old 01-05-2011, 10:22 AM
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((((Cyrano)))))
I've got nothing other than hugs. And prayers and vibes that it all turns out well.
Having kids is, as someone said, like having your heart live an independent life outside your body for the rest of your life.
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Old 01-05-2011, 11:16 AM
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Dear HP,
Please watch over Cyrano today. Please give a sign that DD is safe.
We are here Cyrano, waiting and hoping for the best.

Hugs,
Alice
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Old 01-05-2011, 11:16 AM
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Cyranoak,
You have given me some brilliant advice, and for that I am forever, FOREVER, grateful!! YOUR DAUGHTER IS A VERY LUCKY GIRL TO HAVE A DAD LIKE YOU. I wish I could offer the same guidance, but I am a mere childless, single gal with two cats. I can, however, offer my MOST SINCERE concern! I am sending caring thoughts your way, as I'm sure everyone here on F&F is doing. You are in my heart and prayers.

Please do update as soon as she comes back, after you've added 14 deadbolts to her bedroom door and installed a Pentagon-worthy alarm system. Oh, and hired a body guard.

((((((1,000,000 hugs))))))

craven
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Old 01-05-2011, 11:35 AM
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cryanoak, just wanted to let you know we are here with you.

i agree with the deep breathing advice. also, surrender to you HP. serenity prayer. use your tools now. you know the tools, cryanoak, use them!

also, try to move some energy. perhaps run up and down the stairs at work, or go outside for an accelerated walk in the fresh air. breathe. get into the present. gazing at the sun always recenters me.

naive
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Old 01-05-2011, 11:39 AM
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Like BG, I was that girl, too. I feel sick now, knowing what I put my parents through. And I feel TERRIFIED at the thought of having one of my boys put me through.

This seems like a weird tangent but...before I had children, hearing about child abuse made me feel disgusted and angry. Once my oldest was in my arms, hearing about child abuse made me feel rage inside and what can only be described as pure FEAR. Becoming a parent changes the way we view everything in the world. You can't detach from her because she is your daughter. If she is only 15, it has nothing to do with co-dependency. It has everything to do with the nature of being a parent. Of course you are terrified.

I hope this is coming to a resolution as we reply to you...

Last edited by vujade; 01-05-2011 at 11:40 AM. Reason: typos
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Old 01-05-2011, 11:47 AM
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Been thru hell w/my now 19 year old RAD...keep going to alanon..it truly is hell..couldn't pay me enough to have teenagers again!
PS..I had 2 of em 2 years apart..6 years of it!It's pretty nice on the other side..hang in there.
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Old 01-05-2011, 11:57 AM
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Sending positive energy and thoughts your way!

We care about YOU!
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Old 01-05-2011, 12:11 PM
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file a missing person's report, give the police the boyfriend's address and let them bring her home.

i only have a minute, but i wanted to share that if i was her what i would want to hear from my father is that he loved me, that we were in this together, that no matter what, i could always count on him to be there for me.

i also think it would be good to explain what you go through when she behaves in this way...the torment, the worry, the pain...and that you want to improve communication with her...
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Old 01-05-2011, 12:51 PM
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Originally Posted by Cyranoak View Post
P.s. If you are considering having children, I highly recommend reconsidering that. If you are consideriing marrying somebody with children, I'd highly recommend reconsidering that. Unless you've done it before, you have no idea the depth of the ocean into which you are jumping, nor the strength of the riptides that will drag you out to sea, remove your skin leaving only raw nerves, and over which you will have absolutely no control no matter how fast or how far you can swim.
Now you tell me. *sigh*

Big old bear hugs, Cyranoak. No words of wisdom or advice, but I also pulled a couple stunts like this with my parents back in high school. I don't know how, but Mom always ended up knowing where I was - she didn't track me down, but when I showed up I got a lecture rather like Transform described. She and Dad knew my 'friends' were stupid-heads, but they also hoped I had enough sense to not get pulled into any thing dangerous or illegal. Stupid and inconsiderate, yep, but they'd given me the tools I needed to make those decisions; I just had to use them. And then made me deal with the consequences of crossing the rules.

I seriously cringe now when I think back to what I put Mom and Dad through and am hoping I handle it even 1/2 as well as they did (and you are) when DS gets to be a teenager.

Having kids is, as someone said, like having your heart live an independent life outside your body for the rest of your life.
With the hope of giving you something to smile about and distract you from worry for just a nano-second: I'd once told DS he was my heart and now when he's being silly, he giggles and tickles his own tummy and says "Momma, I'm tickling you!" Which is my cue to laugh and tell him to stop tickling me.

It's going to be OK. It already is. Hang in there. Your HP and your daughter's HP are watching over her.
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Old 01-05-2011, 02:01 PM
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Man, you're living my greatest nightmare. I'll be there in 5 or 6 years.

No advice, just know you've got a lot of support here.

Let us know.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
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Old 01-05-2011, 02:16 PM
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Oh yeah, I was that daughter. Ran away at 13, was gone for 5 months, lived with a motorcycle gang, in a drug house, lived in parks.

But my home was less safe, trust me. It was an abusive sick place. I was only glad to be out of there.

This is why i say to trust that she's ok. Firstly, what else can you do? Drive yourself crazy? And secondly, I made it through some very intense situations.

This may be a good thing, if you think about it. If you handle it well.

good luck. And dont' kill the boyfriend!
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Old 01-05-2011, 03:24 PM
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Wondering what time Cyranoak gets off work....

I was that kid too.
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Old 01-05-2011, 03:32 PM
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Cyranoak, wishing you and your daughter safety. Hugs. Thanks for your advice. I am taking it. Again, more hugs and I am thinking of you and your daughter today.
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Old 01-05-2011, 03:44 PM
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Let go...Let God...breathe deep. We are here for you. (((hugs)))
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