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I'm spinning out here... the daughter was not in her bed this morning...

Old 01-05-2011, 03:02 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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I hope you're daughter is home, safe and well. I saw up above that she's 15? 15 year old girls with hormones.....yep, it's a nightmare! I have an almost 15 year old daughter... Transform said something about going about your business, taking the phone, the keys, with no raised voice. Enforcing boundaries with no dramas. I agree! To me, that sounds like the way to go.

If you 'lose it', she will probably rebel more. One of my sons is almost 17. He tells me he hates it more than anything when he's at his dad's and he does something wrong and his dad doesn't yell or say anything. He quietly lets him know he's not happy, ignores his crap and enforces boundaries. It works a treat with my son and DS is the one who grovels back to his dad.

I hope you were able to work today despite your daughter's actions. I would be not happy at all if my daughter did that. I would hope I could react the same way as Transform said but it would take all I had to do that and not flip out.

By the way, I was a rebellious, out of control teenager. Out of home at 16. But, I did not have a caring dad l(or mother) ike you....Please let us know how you're doing and if your daughter is home. I'll be sending good thoughts your way....
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Old 01-05-2011, 03:38 PM
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thinking of you, cyrano, and wanting to embrace you in your fear and anger.

the only thing i can add, or underscore, is to remain calm when you do see her!
you do not want to risk her flipping things and thinking you're the one that's "f*%#ed" as the kids say, or you're a control freak and discount what you have to say.

setting rules and consequences, then rationally and calmly and consistently following through on them will tell her she suffers at home when she acts out, and more importantly, that YOU LOVE HER

peace....
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Old 01-05-2011, 03:51 PM
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I'm an idiot...

...and this will give you all a better understanding of how the disease or alcoholism and codependancy have affected me.

It goes to this. I forgot that I had not changed my clock back for daylight savings time. I thought it was an our earlier than it was, and she had simply left for school and had her phone turned off.

Do you see what I did? Good God. I mind-f'd myself beyond belief, and went completely off the rails. When my daughter turned her phone on and saw my increasingly hysterical and controlling texts her response after asking me what the hell was going on was pretty simple-- "Wow Dad."

Thank you all for sharing your concern and advice, much of it very illuminating for me. I apologize for posting about it before I really knew what was going on. As I often do, I reacted instead of responding. It's just so hard when it's my girl.

I'll not do it again. At least not soon. Ok, I'll probably do it again, but it'll be awhile before it happens. For you newbies to SR, Al-Anon and/or recovery, my post and my behavior was pretty much exactly what it looks like when a codie relapses. I'm glad I could help.

Cyranoak

P.s. I guess having kids isn't so bad. Not at this exact moment anyway.
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Old 01-05-2011, 03:59 PM
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pretty much exactly what it looks like when a codie relapses.
or what happens when a normal, loving dad, is scared out of his mind for his daughter's safety.

I'm so glad she's OK, I'm glad you're OK. Being a parent is blooming hard, no-one gets it right all the time. and I love her response; guess you must be doing something right!
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Old 01-05-2011, 04:01 PM
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glad to hear she is safe and sound.
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Old 01-05-2011, 04:01 PM
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Originally Posted by Floss View Post

If you 'lose it', she will probably rebel more. One of my sons is almost 17. He tells me he hates it more than anything when he's at his dad's and he does something wrong and his dad doesn't yell or say anything. He quietly lets him know he's not happy, ignores his crap and enforces boundaries. It works a treat with my son and DS is the one who grovels back to his dad.
I shared what was going on at Cryanoak's house with LMC (9yo). Told her that all the mature adults on here advised to "remain calm".

Told her that, although we have 5 or 6 years for me to ponder this, not to count on, or expect "calm".

Told her that, "calm or other wise", she could expect "life as she knows it" to end, for a very long time.

She said, till I'm 18? I said, probably not quite that long.

We laughed, ha ha. We'll see.

I hope what ever you decide to do, turns out to be the right thing for both of you. IDK.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

P.S. You know, I could cancel this post, that I posted b4 Cryanok's last post, but might as well leave it. Proves I'm an idiot too, wasn't even my kid!
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Old 01-05-2011, 04:07 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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LOL!!!

Last year, my dad and I had a misunderstanding about what time I was supposed to arrive home after a cross country trip. He vastly underestimated how $%^&* BIG Kansas is and how much of it I had left to drive through. He had a panic fit and chewed me out. I'm 41 years old.

Last edited by BuffaloGal; 01-05-2011 at 04:10 PM. Reason: 2010 is over, now it's "last" year
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Old 01-05-2011, 04:25 PM
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oh no...

My poor girl...

Originally Posted by BuffaloGal View Post
LOL!!!

Last year, my dad and I had a misunderstanding about what time I was supposed to arrive home after a cross country trip. He vastly underestimated how $%^&* BIG Kansas is and how much of it I had left to drive through. He had a panic fit and chewed me out. I'm 41 years old.
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Old 01-05-2011, 04:36 PM
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I'm so glad your daughter is okay. I raised three boys. They are all grown up now and I'm glad. Frankly, I couldn't handle the stress of raising a teenager again. My heart was pounding as I read your post.

Sometimes my boys made me crazy with the stuff they pulled.
Like you there were times when I worried myself into a real frenzy.

But I have to say that it was all worth it. I almost lost one of my sons because he had so many issues with my AH (his dad) that for several years I wondered if I'd ever see him again. But I have him back in my life. I adore my sons and we are friends.
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Old 01-05-2011, 04:40 PM
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thanks for the laugh, i saw your post this morning and wondered how things went. the daylight savings time thing, i guess i missed that if it was for today. i thought that was a national thing? anyway, glad she is ok and you are too
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Old 01-05-2011, 04:41 PM
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Cyranoak,
I am so glad that your daughter is safe and sound. Leave it to your HP to give you and your daughter this opportunity for learning and growth.

If she did not know before, your daughter now understands how devastated you would be if she really were to take off and not let you know where she was.

And you got a dry run on how you might handle a future event with your sweet girl. Being the mom to a 19 year old son and 17 year old daughter, I know these events are inevitable.

Hang on to your serenity. You are such a source of inspiration and always great advice. I am so glad things turned out well.
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Old 01-05-2011, 04:41 PM
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whew. and
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Old 01-05-2011, 04:55 PM
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I am still reacting out of old patterns too. Especially when I have not been taking care of myself, not paying attention to my needs. I feel badly for my BF who gets to be on the receiving end of my insanity of still reacting to some very old life events, reacting to other people who have been long gone. I apologize profusely to him the next day and fear surely he will leave me. I'm still practicing: "expect the best possible motivation in others." And I'm reading yet another book on PTSD to see if this one gives me a leg up on this monster.

I admit I got a good chuckle at your Daylight Savings Time faux pas Cyranoak. So glad she is fine.
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Old 01-05-2011, 05:09 PM
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Originally Posted by Cyranoak View Post
... Good God. I mind-f'd myself beyond belief, and went completely off the rails.

my post and my behavior was pretty much exactly what it looks like when a codie relapses. I'm glad I could help.
yep.

been there. done that.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...triggered.html

sort of a lot of detail in the original post, but that's exactly what happened to me, except not with a daughter, a few months ago.
my heart is speeding up just remembering.

man.

glad everything's cool
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Old 01-05-2011, 05:10 PM
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Originally Posted by Cyranoak View Post
I apologize for posting about it before I really knew what was going on. As I often do, I reacted instead of responding. It's just so hard when it's my girl.

I'll not do it again...
Cyranoak,

It was a wonderful thing you did, posting, actually. OK, so you made a mistake.

But look what you did... in your moment of panic, you came HERE, where there is a lot of wisdom and stability, a lot of perspective. You leaned on SR folks when you knew you were teetering. Knowing SR folks were here, listening, ready to share perspectives bought you some time, and a little ballast.

And all the rest of us... we got to see this process in action. We got to see how the system can support us, stabilize us, give us perspectives, help to calm us.

This was GOOD thing, that you posted, about your daughter.

It was a tremendous lesson for me, watching it unfold, today.

I'm so happy with the ending, I must say.



CLMI
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Old 01-05-2011, 05:27 PM
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Glad there was a happy ending!
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Old 01-05-2011, 05:40 PM
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I'll not do it again. At least not soon. Ok, I'll probably do it again, but it'll be awhile before it happens.
Excellent.
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Old 01-05-2011, 06:25 PM
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Shew...

So, is the boyfriend safe now?
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Old 01-05-2011, 06:28 PM
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Hilarious! So glad she's fine. Sorry you're embarrassed though.

We all do this Dude, and when your daughter isn't in her bed, it's totally understandable.

AND, you came here and we supported you. I'd say life is grand.
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Old 01-05-2011, 06:28 PM
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This has had a very happy ending!

You are not alone! I too am quick to react and fail to consider a healthy response.

I know I'm still working on responding instead of reacting.

The next time I get myself twisted in the wrong direction, I'll remember: I am not alone!

Thank you for sharing and keeping us posted. (((Cyrano)))
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