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looking for other parents

Old 01-05-2011, 07:54 AM
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looking for other parents

I would like to hear for other parents of alcoholics. Most of the posts on friends and family come from people in a relationship like marriage. While I learn much from these I would also appreciate hearing from other parents. In my experience the mother/child relationship is so strong it makes it really hard to have detachment. I left my alcoholic husband 25 years ago but I am never going to leave my child.She is in recovery and it took me a long time to figure out what was enabling and what is support. I can't claim to have the full picture all the time Now I watch my younger sister going through the same thing with her daughter. We decided to go to alanon together but the only meeting in this small town is pretty useless. They just take turns reading from the book.
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Old 01-05-2011, 10:29 AM
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(((Fullcircle))) - there are a lot of people, here, who are parents of alcoholic children (or substance abusers on the other F&F forum). I've found it's not so much the substance, but the behaviors (I'm a recovering addict and recovering codie) and I've gotten support from both forums.

I'm glad your daughter is in recovery, but sorry for your sister and niece. Alcoholism/addiction affects the entire family. That's why SR has been such a huge part of my recovery...finding out I'm not alone, and neither are you

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 01-05-2011, 10:49 AM
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I'm the mom of an alcoholic addict who is in early recovery..she's 19.Yes, it is very hard to detach, but it's a processs and I find it happens a little at a time, but you have to practice!
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Old 01-05-2011, 10:51 AM
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I'm the mother of an addict and I've been to several Al-anon and AA meetings, but I've found my greatest source of support right here on SR. I've learned so much!

The greatest lesson was how to construct my personal boundaries then stick to them...then my 19 yr old addict-son ('AS') was offered a place to live with me as long as he respected the boundaries. He violated them within a few days and I gave him one hour to move out of my house. That was back in May 2010. He is living on his own and supporting himself now. Whether he does drugs are not is none of my business. We have a great relationship now and although I worry about him sometimes I don't lose any sleep and I don't cripple myself with stress anymore.

I learned from the good people here that there is nothing to be gained if I allow him to drag me down with him. If I am to be any good at all--to ANYONE--I have to take care of myself first and always.
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Old 01-05-2011, 11:23 AM
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I am the mother of at least two alcoholic children, maybe three, and even, perhaps, four. There is one that I clearly feel is going to have hard times. He has a romanticized view of drinking because he's an "artist" and so he thinks his life story is to live out the life of the anguished creative soul.

But so far he is going to work, paying his bills and functioning. In two weeks he moves from an apartment with his brother into a basement apartment and I'm not happy about that. He needs people around him, and I just picture him sitting alone in this basement writing his music to the tune of many rum and Cokes, getting maudlin and morose--and very drunk.

However, I don't even really think about that because of the bigger elephant in the room--my AH.

So, please continue to post, because many of us share your fears and worries. We're parents too, and we understand.
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Old 01-06-2011, 05:10 AM
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Can I relate? HOwever, I'm realizing that my adult children were products of environment/hereditary dysfunctional coping mechanism. I have vowed to put the focus on me alone and work on my recovery. It takes a lot of grieving over the "shoulds and coulds", but like tjp613, not losing sleep anymore.
SR is a wonderful place for me to begin putting the focus on myself.
Good Luck
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Old 01-06-2011, 06:57 AM
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Thanks for your replies.I posted after my neice handed me her mothers checkbooks. She found them while she was cleaning house for her mom and asked me to take them away so she would not be tempted.She told me what an awful person she was, how she could not stop herself from using and how awful she felt about herself. She said her Mom would always take care of her no matter what she did and this made her feel even worse about herself. I have watched my sister enable for years but I used to do a lot of that myself and I know I have to bite my tongue and not tell her she is helping her daughter kill herself.I think the urge to help the child is as strong as the addict's for the drug.I felt very inadequate when my neice asked me for advice. When she says she is a total worthless piece of-- and describes how she steals from the person who pays her rent, her car payments, her food ect it is really hard for me to maintain loving aunt expression when I am agreeing with her inside. I offered to do research on rehab possibilities but even this is something she could do herself.
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Old 01-06-2011, 07:44 AM
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fullcircle,

I am sorry for what you are dealing with, with your own child and with your neice.

I am the mother of a (hopefully) RAS (recovery addict son) who is 30 years old. I enabled him right into my own financial mess and am currently working a FT and PT job to dig myself out. I mostly read and post on the Friends and Families of Substance Abuse forum, seems life alot more parents there.

It is hard/different when it is your child, but I learn from everyone. I have attended both NarAnon and AlAnon and have benefited from both programs.
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