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I am so worried!!!

Old 01-04-2011, 09:59 AM
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I am so worried!!!

Just want to say "Hi" to everyone I'm new & have found this forum after trying to research the problem I am faced with at the moment.
To cut a long story short-
My mums marriage split up with my dad over her affair with a married man who promised to leave his wife etc but never did this is when her drinking began because of the frustration.
Mum then lost her job due the effects of alcohol & allegations from a client,she pushed family away as she didn't want questioning over the affair she was then hospitalised because of alcohol abuse & the man finished the relationship with her.
For a while she got off the drink with meds etc & got a new job but has now lost that & is drinking heavily.
She sits in her house all day/night apart from a trip to the shops, has no hobbies & no friends who come to see her apart from family, She gets up about 11.30am & starts drinking vodka & oj within an hour all day with wine untill bed time then repeats it all again.
Christmas was the final straw when she turned up to our house Christmas meal drunk & was nasty with my son (age 5) when she had gone he said he was glad because she was a nasty person & didn't want to see her again!that was it! I spoke to the family explained what had gone on & we decided to speak to her.My Brother & I went round at 1pm she had a drink already & spoke to her saying we where worried about her, drink, problems, what my son had said we just got verbal abuse she turned it on us & said she wouldn't see the grandkids anymore then, we told her we love her & want to help her & want our old mum back but she won't admit she has a problem we suggested therapy etc & she just said she needed longer.
It is so frustrating we all love & care for her & can see her throwing her life away & want to help but she won't admit its a problem some of the things she said to us really hurt regarding both our children!.
It was left that we would return to see her with the support info but she has ignored all calls since, We are just so worried. Thanks for listening!
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Old 01-04-2011, 10:13 AM
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Welcome!!!


Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.
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Old 01-04-2011, 10:28 AM
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Thanks Sailor John!.
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Old 01-04-2011, 11:53 AM
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Welcome...I am also new so not much on the advice right now, however I do know that you can not make anyone get help unless they want the help! It seems to me that each person has to hit their personal low before they realize they have a problem. That is a hard thing to accept as someone on the "outside looking in".

I have done alot of reading since finding this site and the people here are more than welcoming and helpful. Keep your faith strong!
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Old 01-04-2011, 12:22 PM
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Thanks Snack4.
I have just composed a quick letter giving a local support group details that provides medication,support & councelling all free but I stated that it is up to her to make the call etc! but we will give her all the support we can (go with her/take her etc.) I am going to hand deliver it tomorrow as she will not answer the door/phone to us (we do know she is ok though because we have our spies! ha!) but i think now we just have to take a step back & see what happens as we can not force her & we don't know what else to do if she does not want to change!.
I understand people have to hit rock bottom but like you say it is hard watching it when you can see someone you love destroying there life & upsetting all the family around her especially her parents/my grandparents that are in there 80's not sleeping & worried sick over her, it is so frustrating!.
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Old 01-04-2011, 02:15 PM
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Hi, this is a hard one to answer.
It made me think about our experience with our sister. Same. Whe she broke up with her ex she too drank more and more and her behaviour became outrageous (too long a story). It could be that your mum is just so embarrassed by it all and the drink is controlling her and her behaviours. Shes obviously going through a pretty rough time of it. We tried just letting our sister know that we were there for any support she needed to stop her drinking, and helped her get to appointments.
Doesnt sound like your mum is ready for that right now and may still need to do some more. I really feel for you at this stage, it can be very frustrating indeed, so you may need to take time out for yourself and family and let mum alone for a while. She may need to see that you wont put up with her drinking and behaviour. I would suggest however that if you can get her to see a doctor or AA type people with infor, it is a start in the right direction.
Thinking of you, JJ
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Old 01-04-2011, 11:25 PM
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Thanks justjo. Your advice has confirmed my thoughts about what to do next & your kind words mean alot!.
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Old 01-10-2011, 05:45 AM
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Worry changing to frustration & madness!

Just an update. I delivered the letter last wk containing support groups & Mum has not contacted me since plus is ignoring all my calls etc.
She has just started answering the phone to other family members but i think this is because her savings are running out & she knows shes going to need etc soon (at least I know shes alive when shes doing this as my oh has had to be driving up the street at night to check her lights are on so we know shes ok if no-ones heard from her, because i worry so much!)
The other family members have now got mad because when she answers its obvious shes been drinking & she tells blatant lies trying to cover her tracks.
Its so bad at the moment because i'm the closest to Mum & have always been there for her & spoken to daily to her & miss her, well the old her, not the alcoholic one, but I'M the one she's taking it all out on!!!.
My new nephew arrived Saturday & he's in special care baby unit due to heart problems etc but she just "hummed & arghed" when was told by my auntie, no worry or emotion, nothing!. Between my brother & I we have three kids & she's missing out on them all growing up, you don't get that time back & it's making me madder & madder! her son/my brother could really do with some support right now for himself the baby & his wife & she is just sat at home with vodka feeling sorry for herself, drinking herself to into oblivion. Arghh!.
I've decided I need to have the "no contact" approach now for my own sanity & to be able to support my brother etc (we are having his daughter stay whilst hes at the hospital with baby & wife )the selfishness of this addiction is soul destroying! My family have also said they are not going to contact her now as she is attention seeking!. I can't see how she can't be at rock bottom yet & I know that's where she has to be to want to change.
Thanks for listening, I just needed to get it off my chest after the weekend!X
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Old 01-10-2011, 10:57 AM
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It is so frustrating we all love & care for her & can see her throwing her life away & want to help but she won't admit its a problem
This is what happens to each and every one of us. Alcoholics deny their disease and it's impact on themselves and every one around them.

The only thing we can do is face the reality that there is nothing we can do to help, convince or force that person to stop acting like an overgrown child, intentionally retarding themselves, and get some help. Nothing.

The good news is that acceptance has been my friend. It's a much better place than going round and round with them. We shift the focus to ourselves and leave them to their higher power.

I'm glad you're here.
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Old 01-10-2011, 12:01 PM
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Hi Booklover, welcome to SR

I can relate to everything your saying here, seems the words you have written could be written by me about my twin sister, the jobs, relationships, all of the above I have gone through with my sister. Coming here has helped me realise the effect its all been having on me, watching her slowly kill herself day in and day out and not being able to do a thing about it is making me ill...its hard isn't it
Like you, my sister and I are very close, we are a very close family though Im the one she is closest to, so me "being there for her" took it all upon myself to try and fix her or save her. I have watched her get the jobs and get the sack for either turning into work drunk or just not going at all, time after time year after year. Drinking from dawn until dusk, vodka is her DOC too.
After reading some of the posts here from many people in similar situations I began to accept that I cant control it, I cant save her, only she can do it. It has to come from her. I can however set myself some boundaries, which is what I did...for my own sanity and well being. Christmas week when we spoke, she was sober for a few days ( she can never seem to get past day 2) so it was best to do it otherwise it all falls on deaf ears. I told her I love her but cant sit back and watch her do this any more. She was welcome to my house with the rest of the family on one condition, she must be sober. She never came for dinner that day.....I miss her too, but she is aware now that I cant do any more than I have already done, everything is in place for her to get the help she needs, the rest is up to her. I have finally accepted that this will not change until she wants it to. Only she can make this happen, I cant change her life, I can change mine though. I felt guilty when I had to take a step back, old habits and all that! I know its for the best

Anyway...I think you will find a great deal of support here, I know I have. SR has been a God send for me & helped me ( still helping ) through a real tough time. I am so grateful for that.
Take Care!
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Old 01-11-2011, 04:39 AM
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Thanks for the replys above they mean a lot.
N Turn- I agree this forum is great, just to be able to talk it through with people in the same situation because in my day to day life I feel like i'm the only person this is happening too!.
Daily when I see other people with there mums or my sons friends with there grandparents it's upsetting because that is what I ONCE had, it is awful to say it but it is like she has died!.
Because like me N Turn you are the closest I think because we are, your sis/my mum take it out more on us because they think we will put up with more than anyone else!.
Also N Turn it has effected my health too & I can't have that anymore as I need to be there for my own family at the moment & Brother & Sis-In Law who are going through a very rough time (she should be supporting them too it's her son, grandson, daughter-in law!).
My Auntie (mums sister) has reached her limit also with her too now as she has seen that she has not contacted my brother to see how the baby is etc & she is disgusted when secretly she told me she had hoped the baby been ill would be the wake up call Mum needed to come off the drink but NO!!.
All the family are backing off now because it is what has been advised, the support is in place should she want it. But like you say you have to have personal limits because how long do you becaome a doormat for! & I need to channel my energy now in to my family that are needy & grateful of the support not someone who doesn't want it.
I never have beeen through such an emotional rollercoaster as all this but this forum has been such a help!
Thanks Everyone!xxxx
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Old 01-11-2011, 10:46 AM
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you are not alone Bookworm, we are all here for each other. I hope your little nephew is on the mend.
I hope your little nephew is on the mend, right now that little one needs the family around. The choice your mum makes is her choice, and she is going to miss out on that wee one! Her loss I say. I know where you are coming from when you say its possibly the thing that makes her stop ( knowing the baby is ill ) We have had many things happen that we hope will be the wake up call but ...no
Just stay strong & look after yourself, I know that when my sisters drinking everything in her life takes a back seat and becomes irrelevant no matter what is happening around her.
Take care of you..
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Old 01-11-2011, 11:03 AM
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Originally Posted by BookLover1978 View Post
Between my brother & I we have three kids & she's missing out on them all growing up, you don't get that time back & it's making me madder & madder! her son/my brother could really do with some support right now for himself the baby & his wife & she is just sat at home with vodka feeling sorry for herself, drinking herself to into oblivion. Arghh!.
One of the great lessons I learned here on SR (and elsewhere) was that I had to accept that MY dreams are MY dreams...and not necessarily the same as others'.

You want your (sober) mom to be a part of the grandkids' life. You want to talk to your (sober) mother on the phone when you need her friendship and support. You want to stop worrying so much so you will feel better.

Obviously what she wants and what you want are polar opposite things. She has made her choice. She is an adult. She gets to choose.

So do you. You have only two choices here: Accept her as she is now or don't.

I'm sorry. It's a big pill to swallow. I understand.

Nturn is right -- your brother's family needs your energy and prayers now.

(((Hugs)))
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Old 01-11-2011, 11:14 PM
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@tjp613- Ouch! but I do understand your points & what you are saying. The hugs at the bottom of your post made it easier to swalllow! ha!.
I am not trying to be selfish, I hope that isn't how it is coming across, I feel she is the one doing that at the moment.
I am just not wanting her to look back & have big regrets but it is HER choice you are right & they will be HER regrets & I can't accept how she is at the moment so I need this step back for a while.

@N Turn- My nephew is still undergoing tests at the moment to confirm the problems but he's doing as well as can be expected we just have to take each hour/day as it comes,thanks.
I live in quite a small town in England & knew it wouldn't be long before I bumped in to my Mum & it happened yesterday. Mum made the excuse she had been ill for days (which she has been saying to everyone for wks as an excuse for no contact) then she had to sit down (felt dizzy) she looked rough,jittery,red eyed & had been drinking, I had little sympathy & told her all about the babys problems (she couldn't even remember his name!) she didn't say much but I really don't think it made much difference to her, like you say it is her loss & no-one else around her seems to matter as everything takes a back seat to drink. Just hope she does at least call them to show shes thinking of them!. She said she only knew the bit of info that her sister had told her implying she'd been left out of the loop, but is that not enough to make her wonder why? & at the end of the day she has a phone she could call them anytime for information.
Thanks again for listening to my rant, people!.x
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Old 01-12-2011, 04:11 AM
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Oh, I'm sorry if you were offended.... I really really didn't mean it that way. I didn't mean to imply you were being selfish - not at all. What keeps us stuck in these dysfunctional and very unhealthy relationships is our reluctance to LET GO OF THE DREAM. As you can imagine, I had quite a few dreams for my son as he was growing up, very few of which have come true. When I held onto the dreams that is when I experienced a great deal of pain. When I realized that they were MY dreams and not his, I was able to let go, accept the reality, and I was released from the pain (or at least a big part of it).

It was simply a shift in perspective that helped me and I was just trying (badly) to get you to see things differently. You said you were very angry that your mom is missing those childhood moments. Anger is not a comfortable emotion. I was trying to help you feel better, actually, to accept WHAT IS and to let go of YOUR dream. It's a process and it takes time.

Again, I apologize profusely! I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings at all. That was not my intention. We are here to support YOU.
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Old 01-12-2011, 06:41 AM
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No Offence Taken!!!

tjp613-No you didn't offend me don't worry!. E-mails can be read a bit wrongly sometimes especially when we are emotional & tetchy (like most of us on here probably are!lol!).
And things need to be said straight to the point & direct like your post to get the point across. I do understand where you are coming from!. I know you meant no harm because you added hugs at the bottom! ha! Thanks, speak soon.x
P.s. I understand about letting the dream go too! I am working on that now, you have to don't you to be able to get on with your life? X
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Old 02-09-2011, 05:18 AM
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Good & Bad News!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi Everyone
Just thought I'd give a quick update.
My nephew after been born poorly & suffering from a hospital bug has been given the all clear & finally ( at nearly one month old!) has been moved to a local hospital which makes it easier on the family to travel & finally I will be able to meet him any day now & I can't wait!.
Its been hard on everyone & my brother broke my heart one night upset when he said "sometimes you know only a hug from your mum will do! & she doesn't want to be around for me!".
We (brother & I) had told Mum just before the baby was born we couldn't have her around the grandkids if she'd been drinking anymore (after xmas episdoe). In the whole month she has not called or enquired about her new grandson or her elder one (our son), It's like she's picked drink over us & the grandkids, she has done nothing about getting the help we provided her with & has not contacted either of us in a month since our talk with her.
Up until now the baby has been critical & only parents & grandparents could be with the baby & my sis-in laws mum has been there daily but our mum has been no-where to be seen ( I really felt for my brother) & I would of cut off my right arm to have gone & given him support in that hospital room.
My nephews now in hospital just down the road & Mum is oblivious to everything!.
Brother & I are still trying to do "no contact" but recently we've just been getting so sad & mad at her. Luckily I am close to my brother & all the other family are been really supportive to them too! I don't know if my brother will ever be able to forive her for all this & it is all so sad!.

Thanks for listening, I just needed a rant really!
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Old 02-09-2011, 05:36 AM
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It sounds like your mum is self-destructing. She's probably in a horrible depression after destroying her family/marriage, and feels very guilty and disgusted with herself.

If you run into her again you could say --mum, stop beating yourself up over the divorce and man you went to, and start living again as there are others who still love and miss you.
These words are not enabling the drunk. They're simple love.

It's still her choice at the end of the day to stay a drunk or not--but at least she may begin to forgive herself if she sees others are willing to forgive her.
Sounds like this choice is coming soon if she's almost broke financially.
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Old 02-09-2011, 06:09 AM
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Thank you brokenheartedfool. Just having someone listen, to talk to & understand means a lot.
She is definately self-destructing, which is why we stressed to her about going to the councelling as it was someone who is not involved with the family who she can talk openly to ( as she always thinks everyone else is going to say "I told you so" about her Ex). But she has to make the call, she has had all the info & encouragement from family but has made no effort.
If I bump in to her again I could say the words you mentioned to her, those are the kind of words we said to her at Christmas but it would be hard to say such nice things to her now after how she has been the last month.
We do think she is almost broke, her savings must have nearly run out & she is not working & family have gone on at her to apply for benefits but she hasn't been bothered but that brings more problems as before as when she can't afford the booze she goes cold turkey & ends up in hospital (will not go to docs to come off it with meds as that would mean she would have to admit she has a problem) so thats probably what will happen next!.
The thing is I love so her much that if she phoned me in that state I would be there like a flash like I have before regardless & I know it. It is so frustrating!
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Old 01-18-2012, 02:52 AM
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Update- Not Good!!!!

My nephew that was born poorly when I started this thread has just celebrated his 1st Birthday7! he's a little behind with development but that is to be expected, but he is progressing well and a gorgeous little chap!.
My Mum has not seen him at all since he has been born & missed his Christening & party etc this has obviously angered my brother who has cut all contact with her.
In the meantime I have managed to get on speaking terms with Mum again but all the issues are still there, she is still drinking heavily, not working, borrowing money and showing the obsessive/paranoia behaviour that goes with her drinking. I have had to keep quite & not say anything to her about it after getting back on speaking terms but she knows how I feel & will not admit to anyone she has a problem as the family have spoken to her.
Yesterday my aunt called her & she admitted she was withdrawing from alcohol alone and my aunt told her it needed to be medicated & rushed her to the docs where mum had a seizure in the room, mouth frothing, eye rolling & breathing stopped momentarilly!. Mum was rushed to hospital and put on drips and it was awful. After a night the docs said if she does not want to stop drinking he would discharge her & use the bed for a ILL PATIENT! (can't blame him!) but if she did he'd keep her there & support & give her with medication. My auntie said she did want to stop (as we knew no-one could have her at there house, so needed to stay in hospital) but I'm just hoping Mum wants to now for her own sake I can't help thinking she was just withdrawing because her money had run out (fallen out with two people who were providing it for her!). So I feel we are all no further down the line at all now the family are back to running round her again to hospital as well as us all juggeling family & work commitments and she is sat there in the hospital bed demanding symapthy! Grr. I did hope 2012 would be a New Year, new start but no!
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