transformyself

I've seen this enough times, i know what to expect, but it's still bizarre to me.

He's been sober probably a few days. I only interact with him when we swap out the car or he comes to see the kids. God, he's a mess. It's not that much better from when he's drinking non stop. He has no peace, no place to rest. Hasn't found it I guess.

His skin tone is better. Clarity in his eyes, but he looks like he's going to cry all of the time. Really.

Today I'm really grateful I'm not an alcoholic or drug addict. It must be living hell to either keep drinking and live with all that shame and anger and bs, or try to sober up, alone, and live with all that shame and anger and bs-without a program.

His choice, though. Like I have my health care choices as well. I have PTSD and have to freaking deal with that. We all have our issues.

The really good news is I have shifted over my expectations once again so I am prepared to do everything I need to do on my own. I mean, lets be realistic here..

Thumper

Ah. I know exactly what you are talking about. My xah is in such a terrible place. He drinks enormous amounts, gets pills to detox, gets pills to try and deal with the enormous amounts of anxiety he has, drinks again, is in a deep depression. It is just an awful train wreck. I think he checked himself into a hospital but I'm not really sure. We haven't heard from him since Christmas eve.

Your good news is good to hear. Keep moving in that direction. Once I arranged my life so that I depended on him for nothing, not even child support or child care, the stress reduction was beyond measure. It also went a looong way in helping me let go and get rid of the lingering resentments and anger. True detachment with compassion was possible and that has enabled me to be much stronger when protecting my boundaries. I still pursue the child support, but I don't depend on it. I quit counting on his visits or time with the kids. I quit expecting him to be a normal, consistent, stable, parent.

transformyself

Geez Thumper I appreciate your story. I'm working on the financial independence, that'll be the final step. Child care is another problem, but I'll just take the kids with me to distribute my paper if I have to. I did it last summer, my 9 year old rode around with me in the truck and read the map.

It's better than them being home with drunk daddy.

Thumper

Yes it is.

My 11yo is coming with me this afternoon because I won't leave him home alone when I am out of town. He came with me all day one day last week and both the 11yo and 9yo will have to come with me tomorrow for 3 hours. I have daycare for the little boys but it is a lot harder with older kids. School starts again on Thursday - finally!

Single parenting is hard, no doubt about that, but not sanity breaking like being married to someone with active alcoholism is. Even logistically I feel more secure now than I ever did married.

vujade

Thanks for this thread! I needed it today. Thump - I am right in the middle of trying to restructure my finances so I can be completely self-reliant. XAH is $4K behind on payments, my mortgage is past due and he is constantly complaining about keeping the boys. None of it is a surprise, just frustrating. I have repeated the mantra "I can't control your behavior. I can only control my reaction to your behavior." about 97 times in the past 5 days.

Thanks for the reminder that it CAN be done and to keep moving toward that light.

transformyself

Awesome! I'm stealing this!
Best news yet today? At one time this would have royally pissed me off! Today, it's a reminder of both my powerlessness AND my power.

Love, Transformyself

vujade

Update: Because of this thread, I just called a mortgage broker who gave me options for restructuring my ailing mortgage loan. They aren't all great options, but they are options and they help me keep my house. BIG deep breath! One step forward.

transformyself

awesome!