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Moving out for good

Old 01-03-2011, 02:54 PM
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Moving out for good

Tomorrow I have plans to go get the rest of my things from STBXAH's house. I have what I need, but I have left behind my storage and my keep sakes. I need to get those things to free myself in a tangible way, but I am feeling so many emotions about it.

I have been feeling great on my own and I am confident of my decision to leave, but I find the doing part of this decision to be horribly painful and I have avoided it. I know it is time to face the realities, but I am terrified.

I feel scared about going back into that house and seeing the place as a shell of what I remember it being. I am afraid AH might start some drama with me or worse I might have to face his pain. I am afraid he will be drunk when I get there and I am afraid he won't. I am afraid I will find an excuse to run away and not get all my things like I have several other times in the past three months.

Called AH on the phone to remind him I was coming to get my things and he started crying. I didn't know what to say. I stupidly asked him if he was ok...he said he wasn't. I just said I am sorry and got off the phone. I wanted to do more. I still feel when I hear his pain that I want to help him, to make it better. I want to forgive and forget, but doing that means going back to forgetting myself and forgetting my needs.

I just want him to be angry at me, I want him to yell like he has so many times in the past. Instead, he is sad and it hurts. I feel like the worst person alive for "failing" him. I feel like I pulled the rug out from under him and I hate that I am doing that, but for once in my life I feel like I know what is best for me and I need to follow through.
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Old 01-03-2011, 03:24 PM
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Is there any way someone could go with you?

These things are easier when we're not alone.

It's harder to get snagged in an emotional trap, too.

You've already been through the hard part.
This is just the cleaning up aprt.

Prayers for your saefty and peace of mind.
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Old 01-03-2011, 03:35 PM
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Trying to get my brother to come to help with bringing a truck along so I can minimize trips and I think a third party would help avoid some level of emotional confrontation, but STBXAH has made a scene with my brother around before and while the two of them remain friendly with one another they have also had some issues between them so the plan could backfire. I guess for now I just have to let go and see how it pans out. I just hope the "new" me will have the strength to get through it no matter how things end up being.
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Old 01-03-2011, 04:36 PM
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try to take someone with you. keep focused on what you hope to accomplish. not a good idea to go alone...
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Old 01-03-2011, 05:00 PM
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crystal226, sometimes it's fun to do things spontaneously......BUT this is NOT one of those times! You need to have a thoughtout plan and action to pick up your remaining items from your STBXAH's house. I have heard about to many felonies caused by the very same conditions you just described.

Every year in the United States, 1,000 to 1,600 women die at the hands of their male partners, often after a long, escalating pattern of battering. Often associated with alcohol. In Texas, for calendar year 2009, 111 women were killed by their former or current husband, intimate partner or boyfriend. http://www.tcfv.org/pdf/honoring-texas-vicitms.pdf One in every four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime.

Domestic violence is about power and control. The abuser wants to dominate the victim/survivor and wants all the power in the relationship-and uses violence in order
to establish and maintain authority and power. Many victims describe domestic violence perpetrators as having a "Jekyll and Hyde" personality. Abusers often experience dramatic mood swings of highs and lows. They may be loving one minute, and spiteful and cruel the next. Perpetrators of domestic violence are usually not sick or deranged. Prepare for the worst, and pray for the best!

I can not stress enough to have a thoughtout plan and action before you move out your things, even if you don't get it done tomorrow! Make a detailed list of everything you need to pick up. You don't want to have to do this more than once. If you were in the State of Texas you could call the Constable's Office and be accompanied by authoritives when you go pick up your things. Utah should have similiar authoritives.

Just my personal opinion. Take what you like and leave the rest.

Love and Peace,

Phoenix
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Old 01-03-2011, 05:04 PM
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Yep, I agree that you should not go alone. You'll feel stronger and safer if you have someone with you. Good luck.
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Old 01-03-2011, 05:13 PM
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Dear Crystal, please try and take a neutral observer with you, and certainly do not go on your own. Perhaps your bro would not be the best person, since there are some issues between him and your STBXAH....may be nothing, but can't be too careful where there is an unhappy and maybe drunk man to face.

Could you call STBXAH before you go, see what sort of mood or state he is in, and if not good...maybe you could ask for police escort to get this all over and done with, as safely for you as possible.

The longer you take to collect your stuff, the more time he has to collect his angry and sad bits to brood over.

I wish you a safe and final trip to what was your home.
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Old 01-03-2011, 05:30 PM
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Crystal,
Stay strong, he is living the life he has chosen by his own choices and behavior. You cannot make it better for him.

Definitely do not go alone. I took a friend's husband, and just knowing that I was doing so, my exabf left the premises for the time I was there. Wasn't even there when we arrived. I was sooo relieved.

Good luck, take care of you, follow your gut, don't let him make you feel bad for him. He can make better choices in his life if he decides to. You already have.
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Old 01-03-2011, 05:49 PM
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Thanks for the concern and advice. I honestly hadn't considered a risk as far as safety when it comes to him...I was more thinking he might just be a d**k or maybe cry at me and emotionally I am just not in a place where I want to deal with either. He has been verbally abusive, but never physical with me; although I understand that this situation is not something to be taken lightly. I am taking my brother and perhaps my father as well, but they are the only people in my life I feel comfortable involving. My brother isn't available until Wed. so I am going to have to do it then. AH's parents also live upstairs and are his "landlords" so I am letting them know I will be coming in case I have any trouble (they are still reasonably supportive of me).
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Old 01-03-2011, 05:51 PM
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[QUOTE=Jadmack25;2817323
Could you call STBXAH before you go, see what sort of mood or state he is in, and if not good...maybe you could ask for police escort to get this all over and done with, as safely for you as possible.

The longer you take to collect your stuff, the more time he has to collect his angry and sad bits to brood over.

I wish you a safe and final trip to what was your home.[/QUOTE]

I think I will call ahead just to see. Mostly, whenever I talk to him lately he has just been sad sounding so I am thinking that is most likely what I will encounter, but I agree if there is any question a police escort is an option I will consider if I deem it necessary.
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Old 01-03-2011, 06:11 PM
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What Barb said. Bring someone with you. Will help you get out of the door when the time comes and keep any drama to a low hum. Good work. Stay strong.
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Old 01-03-2011, 06:43 PM
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My guess is a man will be less likely to start crying if there is another man around.

As for your feelings of guilt: Stop it. He is a grown man, responsible for his own behavior and THESE are the consequences of his behavior. If talking to him makes you feel guilty stop talking to him. When you go to his house, take a 3x5 card with you to hand to him. On that card, write down the number for A.A. and the number of the local Salvation Army. When he starts his boo-hoo'ing and blameshifting hand him the card and walk away. Don't have a conversation with him about it.

It took me a good two weeks to stomp out the guilt the last time I had to leave an alcoholic behind. Every time the guilt would come up, I would talk to myself OUT LOUD, reminding myself all the reasons why this is HIS responsibility, HIS life, and HIS choices.

Good for you for choosing life. (((hugs))) You can do this. Feal the fear and do it anyway.
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Old 01-06-2011, 12:12 PM
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Failing him? Good God. You didn't fail him. If you failed anybody it was yourself, and you've now solved for that and good for you.

He is failing him AND he failed you.

Bring somebody with you when you get your stuff. Go in, get it, get out. No conversations, no dramatic telanovella goodbyes us codies love so much, and no trying to understand how he feels.

Apply what you have learned, get your stuff, don't replicate this mistake, and move on with your life. No looking back.

My two cents. Take what you want and leave the rest.

Cyranoak
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