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It's been one H*****LL of a year for me!

Old 01-02-2011, 05:34 PM
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It's been one H*****LL of a year for me!

It's been one H*****LL of a year for me! And I'm just GLAD that the HOLIDAYS are over! I had made threads "Nice for Christmas but Naughty for New Year's!" and "Need to keep my mouth SHUT-HELP". I was asking for advice on how I could keep my mouth shut until Christmas and the Holidays were over. I was trying to keep everything under control and felt responsible for my adult children having a Merry Christmas.

On December 21st, I even tried to approach my DDH from another angle. So I started agreeing with him, and all his negative projections. He had previously told me that he had heard from several other people that a stroke can change a person's personality from being a nice person into a B**CH! I told him he was right about me, that I was suicidal, and that I needed to go to our city's mental health hospital for help. He responded "Great! Another Christmas down the drain!" He was going to have to run this through our two sons for their thoughts. I told him that my mental health and my life shouldn't depend on anyone else's opinions! He responded by getting on his laptop and checking out our state's lottery tickets.

Even repeating the Serenity Prayer didn't help bring peace and calm to my household. So I started doing something really STUPID! I doubled my dosages of my anti-depressants, pain killers, and sleeping pills. I slept a lot more than normal, but I, at least, had numbed my feelings.

I DON'T recommend this to ANYONE! But it's kind of strange, the neighborhood I live in, lost electricity on New Year's Eve and most of New Year's Day. So my sleeping was just "normal", and no one in the house is any wiser.

My husband has an addictive personality as defined by Addictive personality - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia Sometime shortly after Christmas he decided to show his "nice" side. I think I could be married to him another forty years and still not know him. I feel like it's a day late and a dollar short. I just don't run on hot and cold! I just to feel free to be myself! Life is to short to worry about what direction the wind is blowing!

I'm still planning on moving on with my life!

The Road Ahead

The road ahead beckons me
To be steadfast and true to it each day.
It calls to my spirit to see
No matter the rocks thrown in my way,

From beginnings to the end
His grace will hold me up
And even when there is a blind bend
His love will be waiting in my faith’s hope.

And, my Lord will know:
As my staggering steps show;
As my body’s strains grow;
As my weakness makes me slow;

I will keep within my sight
The next step ahead,
And, despite the pits and rocks, fight
To hold His out stretched hands, that once bled.

When I think these things too much to bear,
I will see His tears,
Falling because he cares,
And I will stand straight, losing all of my fears.

And His grace will grow
While my steps no longer slow;
While my pain will not show;
While my Lord leads me to where only He knows.
by Thomas Watson

Your feedback will be appreciated!

Love and Peace,
Phoenix
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Old 01-02-2011, 06:51 PM
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Even repeating the Serenity Prayer didn't help bring peace and calm to my household. So I started doing something really STUPID! I doubled my dosages of my anti-depressants, pain killers, and sleeping pills. I slept a lot more than normal, but I, at least, had numbed my feelings.

Phoenix, this is scary to me. I know your situation is terrible, but isn't numbing your feelings the same as an alcoholic numbing theirs by drinking?

It scares me that you've turned to prescription medication to numb your feelings, not to mention the potential danger of overdosing.

Please take care!
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Old 01-02-2011, 07:04 PM
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Phoenix, I hope you will let your Higher Powers guide you.

HP,
Grant me the Patience for things that take time
Appreciation for all that we have
Tolerance for those with different struggles
Freedom to live beyond the limitations for our past ways
The Ability to feel your love for us & for each other
And the Strength to get up & try again even when we feel it hopeless

I love the Serenity prayer in its entirety.

Warm, gentle hugs to you, Phoenix & prayers that your HPs will guide you to a safer, better, more serene 2011.
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Old 01-02-2011, 07:35 PM
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phoenix,

i do hope you follow through with that checking out your city hospital's mental health unit. you said you need it, but i suspect you have not yet gone.

please do.

and keep us posted. we care.
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Old 01-02-2011, 07:50 PM
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Yorkiegirl thanx for that prayer I have read other longer versions of the serenity prayer but never that one?
Phoenix what a hopeless state to be in I relate as I have been there one to many times. Thank God though its been several years, but when I read your post it brought me right back to those days where I would hurt so bad that I would lay in a fetal position and beg God to just not let me wake up. Not everday for me is great, but it is a hell of a lot better than that. I read about your guys response to you " another christmas down the drain", and checking out the lottery tickets on laptop. Some people are not capable of handling intense emotional problems from others. My ex was like that, and the more I expected him to, the more let down I became. People in recovery are the people who got me, so I had to learn to reach out to them just like you are doing here. I urge you to go to a meeting and ask for help, because the next time you take all those pills, you may not come out of it. I know scores of men and women who have lost their lives cause they were trying to be numb just one more time. They are numb now, but they are forever numb in the ground. Thanx for sharing with us, and welcome you never have to use again even if you want to!! Peace & Blessings to you & your family even lotto man lol
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Old 01-02-2011, 08:16 PM
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Phoenix, you are responsible for your mental health and for seeking help when you need it. Doubling up on your meds without your physician okaying that is dangerous. Your husband's bad behavior or poor attitude is no excuse. I hope that you will discuss your self-dosing with your physician.
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Old 01-02-2011, 09:26 PM
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Thank you all for your kindness and compassion. It makes me so upset with myself that I allow my DDH to influence me so much! I try to talk and walk the walk of recovery; but this year has been so hard on me, especially since I can't even walk!

I am so disgusted with my DDH since he expects me to just flow with whatever temperament he's in. I know that I'm a codependent with a capital "C". I've read a lost of posts where the codependents had to leave their marriage because they didn't like who they became with their A's. I now know exactly what they were saying.

I'm glad that the holidays are over and we can get back to our business. My doctor has requested that before my next appointment with him that I see a psychriatrist. Starting tomorrow I start as an outpatient at the Warm Springs Rehab Center for occupational and physical therapy. I'm supposed to go there three times a week for the next month. Now that the holidays are over, I can relax and not worry about saying something that might upset my DDH, so I'm back at my regular dosages.

I've been in such a depressed mood that I haven't felt like talking to anyone except my sons. My sister and niece called me over the holidays but I didn't feel like talking to them. So my DDH answered the phone and talked to them. I perceive them thinking he is now the "good guy".
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Old 01-02-2011, 10:56 PM
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One day, one moment, one day at a time. Yes, the holidays are over, Phoenix. Please, please, please, take good care. Tend to & care for yourself. Thinking of you and praying that with each day, you will be better. We are also here to listen and to tell you that you are an important part of our SR family.

In the Chinese/Japanese horoscope, it is the Year of the Rabbit (2011). It will, I hope, be a more tender, compassionate, and life-affirming/fertile year for all of us here. I pray for that!
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Old 01-03-2011, 05:32 AM
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Phoenix, now that the holidays are over hopefully things will be able to fall into a more normal routine. I think that even if the holidays are wonderful, they are stressful, and they throw you off your game. I for one am kind of happy today to be sitting in my home office ready to get back to work.

I remember also feeling desperate to remove myself from my AH's moods and slings. I still do, on occasion, but when I start getting crazy, my mantra that I say over and over is "He is not my god; my God is my God." I just say that over and over, because I think we sometimes give god-like status to our As, almost like a Stockholm syndrome. I know I have.

I wish you continued recovery in the New Year. Think how far you've gotten already!
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