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Droped The Bomb on Her Today

Old 01-02-2011, 02:13 PM
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Droped The Bomb on Her Today

It's been about 6 weeks since I was last on here. AW stayed sober for a while. Christmas day she got into a stupid fight with one of our daughters over wedding plans. When I refused to join in she turned silent on me and started drinking. Thankfully the liquor store was closed yesterday and today so she can't buy any more Vodka so she is somewhat sobered up, but still a mess. This morning I cornered her and said it was time to start talking. She refused several times. So I droped the bomb. Told her I was finished and she needed to find a new place to live. Before she left I told her again that I love her and care about her well being. I can't stop her from destroying herself but I can stop her from destroying the rest of the family. Right now she is at her mothers (who sides with me). The divorce is going to be very expensive and painful but it's gotten to where living with a drunk is more painful.
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Old 01-02-2011, 02:47 PM
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Wow, thank you so much for posting your story, which is incredibly life-affirming. None of it is ever easy but whenever we decide to take care of ourselves it is truly a wonderful day.
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Old 01-02-2011, 04:31 PM
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(((Hayfmr))) - I know this hasn't been an easy decision to make, but I'm glad you've made it. I hope you continue to read and post here...several people have been in similar situations, and I don't know about you, but knowing I'm not alone is worth it's weight in gold.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 01-02-2011, 04:51 PM
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A divorce doesn't necessarily have to be expensive. A frequent poster here, LaTeeDa, did most of the legwork herself and it cost her very little. Check out her profile. You may be able to find olds posts from her that address this topic. Or perhaps she'll pop in and tell you herself!
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Old 01-02-2011, 05:15 PM
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Glad you are feeling good about your decision..hang in there!
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Old 01-02-2011, 05:18 PM
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Be careful about thinking about it in those terms. Bomb or not, she will do what she's going to do with it, despite whatever your expectations may be.

It may be more helpful to think of it in terms of making a life-affirming decision for yourself and making a decision and change to better your situation. I say this because you're right...a divorce is going to be messy and expensive and, frankly, painful. But if you're focused on improving your life and living according to your new design for living, you can leave all the baggage in the right place and move through it gracefully. It will also keep you open to whatever reconciliation might be possible if the alcoholic changes and makes it possible. "Dropping the bomb" mindset tends to burn a lot of bridges.
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Old 01-02-2011, 05:19 PM
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I wish I had your courage. Good luck to you!
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Old 01-02-2011, 05:22 PM
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Warm hugs Hayfmer. We know when it's time to let go. Best to you & your family. May you find serenity & peace.
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Old 01-02-2011, 06:00 PM
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(((Hugs))) Hayfmr. I know this is a tough time for you. Try to take this one day at a time. Have you gone to Al-Anon? I humbly suggest it; it is very important for you to have support in your community during this time. Please keep coming here to post and keep us informed of how you are doing.
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Old 01-02-2011, 07:59 PM
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Hayfmr,

keep coming here -- we'll try and help you to stay strong. for me, making the Decision was the first vital step. after that, although i was scared poop-less, i never looked back.
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Old 01-02-2011, 10:33 PM
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Well her mother decided she couldn't deal with her so she brought the AW back. We had a contractor scheduled to start tomorow morning on a remodel project. I decided to go ahead with the remodel because I want it too. Two of my kids were here helping me move furniture out of the way for the remodel and she spoke very little to us. Just moped around the house. Now she is sleeping on the couch. She is just too damn stubborn for her own good.

I am moving foward with my life. She is welcome to be a part of it but she has to change her ways. Otherwise she is on her own. I have confess just drawing a line in the sand and making the decision to leave if nessicary sure has taken a weight off my back.
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Old 01-03-2011, 12:11 AM
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Hayfmr,

This must be so hard and I, like you, have hit my “bottom” for living with my AW. I am about to ask her to leave but know there is a risk I’ll be manipulated into having her back in.

Me and her family have done our best to make sure her only way out is Rehab or “the gutter” (sounds harsh, I know) and that there is no bail-outs.

What I’m planning to do is rent a house for a month or two so that if she succeeds with staying in our house, we have a bolt-hole so at least I can follow through on my threat.

Hope this helps. There are a lot of us in your shoes and many of the other people here have the strength and wisdom you and I need because they’ve already been through it and learned the hard lessons.
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Old 01-03-2011, 04:27 AM
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Originally Posted by Hayfmr View Post
I have confess just drawing a line in the sand and making the decision to leave if nessicary sure has taken a weight off my back.
I understand how liberating this feels. But I would ask you, why should you and your children leave due to her poor choices?
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Old 01-03-2011, 05:02 AM
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Good for you! Go ahead and meet with a mediator and see what kind of property settlement agreement you can develop. If you keep attorneys out of the mix, this could be a quick and inexpensive undertaking.
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Old 01-03-2011, 05:22 AM
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I really hope your AW will change her ways and you'll manage to keep your marriage but in my case that never happened with my AH. Many times I said I want a divorce if he doesn't stop drinking, quite a few times I kicked him out, and each time I let him manipulate me back to square one. I guess the simple truth is I believed he could change, but he never really wanted to or he never could, whatever. But I didn't want to see that. I kept pushing, I kept refusing to see the truth, to see him for who he really is. I read all the stories here about A's doing all kind of things, but I refused to believe my AH is capable of it too. He nearly died of liver cirrhosis, and I still stood by him. He stayed sober for few months and than started drinking again, and yet I stayed for a while. Than I found out he has a girlfriend, and that he was cheating on me for years. Also he stole some of my jewelry and sold it to finance his habit. Suddenly I run out of excuses for him, and decided I WANT BETTER FOR ME AND OUR KIDS. And most importnatly I realized I don't want him, I don't want a person who is capable of doing such things, disease or no disease, I diserve better. So I asked him to leave and I'm filing for divorce. I'm saying all this because I want to share another thing. Since I've left AH I've met someone else, whose company I really enjoy (this was rather quick, but I believe that was my HP looking after me). In the meantime AH keeps calling me and trying to manipulate me all the time, and each day I'm becoming more and more aware how easy it is for him to do so. As by spending years in alcoholic relationships we drift so away from normal, that we are not even aware of all the traps we keep falling into. It takes great strenght and wisdom to pull away from it. I admit here in all my honesty that if it wasn't for this new relationship in my life (in which I'm learning about myself and normality) I'm sure my AH would manage to manipulate me back to square one by now. I'm not suggesting you find somebody, but just be careful not to be dragged back into madness of alcoholism. Also I discovered that thinking too much and especially rationalizing will work against you when trying to finish a relationship with an A. Just keep your mind set on what you want and keep pusing farward.
I wish you all the best.
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Old 01-03-2011, 08:38 AM
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Originally Posted by Jazzman View Post
I understand how liberating this feels. But I would ask you, why should you and your children leave due to her poor choices?
I didn't leave, I asked her to. The kids are grown and somewhat out on their own. Except during school breaks.

She went to sleep on the couch last night. This morning when I got up she was gone. What scares me is if she gets in a wreck and kills someone. My name is on the car title.
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Old 01-03-2011, 08:42 AM
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Originally Posted by kilt View Post
Good for you! Go ahead and meet with a mediator and see what kind of property settlement agreement you can develop. If you keep attorneys out of the mix, this could be a quick and inexpensive undertaking.
I own a successful business. Not going to be any way to keep the attorneys and accountants out of this one. Just buying her out is going to leave her with too much booze money and a lot of debt for me. I live in a community property state, she gets half.
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Old 01-03-2011, 09:02 AM
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it might be best to remove her driving priviledges on the car in your name. as in, drop her from the insurance and take the key off of her.
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Old 01-03-2011, 09:12 AM
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We wrote our own seperation agreement which was fair and the divorce was only $400. I would give yourself the car in the agreement. Give her something else of equal value. Get her out of the car. If it is paid for, she only has to sign the title. If there is a loan she is on, it needs to be paid off.
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Old 01-03-2011, 09:26 AM
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Originally Posted by Hayfmr View Post
What scares me is if she gets in a wreck and kills someone. My name is on the car title.
The cost of liability from drinking related incidents could vastly outswamp property settlement amounts, and decimate your retirement savings and credit ratings if bad enough. Likewise, health care costs could as well. You are on the hook for all these costs while legally married, and it's a serious consideration IMHO.

CLMI
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