Midwestman

Hayfmr yor situation sounds identical to mine. I own several business and you are correct she will get half. Nothing you can do about it. Lawyer says marriage is like a business deal. Her accountants value the assets high while you fight to value assets low. Then you split it down the middle. You pay all the bills. The hardest part is getting over the anger of the unfairness of it all. All because of alcohol. I like to remember the line in the movie Risky Business. Sometimes you just gotta say "WHAT THE F**K."

Hayfmr

We work hard to build up a nice business only to have a drunk take half of it. Aint life grand. I did have someone ask me once if I knew why a divorce was so expensive. The answer, because it's worth it. I am starting to think in my case it's worth it.

barb dwyer

here in MT if you have to keep your name on the auto ,
the state can now require the car be outfitted with a breathlyzer.

you can claim it's for insurance or something.

otherwise, it has to go in hers.

Learn2Live

IMO, with divorce it is better to be as amicable as possible and save the money you would otherwise pay the lawyers to fight, for your children. Don't think in terms of fairness, there is no such thing. Know what you're getting into before you hire the attorney; read books about divorce. There are websites with good advice too.

Sorry you guys are going through this.

FSquared

x2, what Learn2Live said on divorce. There is NO concept of "fairness" that will ever satisfy both parties. Divorce. Divide. Split. Separate. You will be severing a whole that at least one of you is likely still really want to remain in one piece. The "unfairness" starts there and can snowball into every nook and cranny of the effort, even with the best of intentions at the outset. Expectations will beget you a lifetime of resentment. I know. I have a mountain of it from my first marriage and divorce.

Remember, the only reactions and attitudes you have any control of in this situation are yours and yours alone. Not your spouse's. Not your families'. Not the kids.

I would not do this alone. I did it that way in mine. Oh, sure, I asked other people to pitch in along the way...lawyers, parents, friends, new spouse, etc...but I wanted to direct the thing and orchestrate a "reasonable" ending. It never happened and the harder I tried, the worse I felt and the more guilty I became.

Midwestman

Guess I'm in the anger stage. The beginning of the end.

Carol Star

I went from living in a lakefront house looking up at the Blue Ridge Mts. to divorcing and living in a basement apt. and I am so much happier. The alcoholic/addict kept the mt./lake house but is getting ready to lose it because he can't afford it. He can't work since he is a fellon from so many DUI's. Mentally I am doing 200% better without the stress,worry, abuse, and substance abuse. The other stuff were just things....I have me back.

LaTeeDa

Well, my situation was unique in the sense that everything worked out just right for me because of circumstances. Some beyond my control, and some I didn't realize were in my control, but fell into place.

I did my own divorce, with the help of a free phone consultation with an attorney, a book I bought from Nolo Press, and advice from friends. But, the reason it worked out well for me was more to do with my own procrastination than anything else. I was not ready to divorce my husband because I still had hope that after 20 years he would see the light and get sober.

When I kicked him out of the house, I made the decision not to file for divorce for at least six months. I hoped he would get sober and we could reconcile. He did get sober, and we tried to reconcile, but it seemed the more we tried the further apart we were getting. So, after about a year of being separated, and several months of trying to get back together, I finally came to the conclusion that it wasn't going to work and I wanted a divorce.

Then, I filed, but still was not motivated to follow through with all the steps. I put it off and put it off and frankly just didn't want to face it. By the time I finally pushed myself into finalizing it, he was resigned to the fact that it was over. We were able to come to a fair and equitable agreement only because the anger and pain had already been worked through and we were both ready to just be done with it.

I believe if I had rushed it, it would have been much uglier. But, I didn't procrastinate because I knew it would help the situation, I just didn't really want to go through with it. I'm really glad that it worked out the way it did, but it wasn't a conscious plan on my part. I guess it was the universe working things out in it's own way and it's own time.

L

Hayfmr

AW is till staying at her mothers. Mentally she is a screwed up basket case. I know that she can quit but I have absolutely no confidence that she will. The divorce will leave her with enough money to do absolutely nothing but drink. It's a really sad situation but I can't change her or go on living with a drunk.

Hayfmr

Oldest daughter just went to lunch with my MIL today. AW wife refused to go along. While they were at lunch she obtained more booze and is drunk again. I have been torn up over possibly leaving here but she sure is helping make my decision a lot easier now.

SlvrMag

My divorce was free. I filed a fee waver and as long as the other party did not contest to anything, it was free of charge.

I think that is a rare occurance that both parties agree on everything during a divorce though.

Hayfmr

It's not eh legal fees that are going to cost me. It's the settlement when she gets half of everything. Thats where the money is. No way out of it either.

Turns out what she drank today was a half a bottle of Vanilla Extract. As soon is she is sober enough to talk to I am going to try to get her to agree to go to detox.

Jazzman

I wrote Mel a big check for exactly what she was entitled to per the domestic laws of my state. I knew exactly what she would do with that money and I'll be paying that off until I sell this house. I know how you feel Hayfmr. But from the other side I can say you can not put a price on the peaceful and stable household that we enjoyed and I would do it again. My only regret is I didn't do it a year sooner when I first thought it was my only recourse.

steve11694

I used to also worry about the x aw getting lots of drinking money from the divorce.

Firstly she will p.i.s.s. it away fast. Drinks for her, her friends, even unknown people at bars and social events, food tab at bar/restaurants, economic binges. Active alcoholics like to appear as big shots.

I sympathize with what you are going through as I have been in your shoes. It is very tough.

Glad you have set boundaries. You/we never know, any alcoholic is capable of recovery, you just can't live with the BS and uncertainty, at least not indefinitely.

God bless

FSquared

Maybe look at what you are gaining in the situation...rather than what you are losing and what she gets, both of which are really way beyond your control.

Letting go is really, really hard...sucks!...but is also vital to our serenity. I don't know about you, but I cannot put a price on serenity. I have tried and tried, in vain. Only becoming willing to surrender everything have I discovered a chance for true serenity for the first time in my life.

Hayfmr

I had a good visit with my banker and accountant today. Just making sure the business financing is all lined up.

DMC

I paid a lot for my divorce, both in lawyer fees and alimony. I look at it as anti-vomit money. As in, I never, EVER, have to listen to that ever again. And that is worth a lot. I have a peaceful, serene home. There is never extra money missing from the checking account. There isn't that worry of "what will he want now."

Mine didn't get half of everything, but he wanted it. Since the economy is so crappy, I got both houses (both upside down). We had more debt than assets, and I have the economy to thank for that. I didn't want both houses, but I can afford the mortgages. He got his car, his loans and his alimony, and I'd like him to get around to taking the rest of his stuff. (Long story.)

So anyway, now there is just me, my critters, my homestead, and quiet. Unless I change it.

And I love it.

Carol Star

My XAH wrote the financial seperation and it was fair so I signed it. He kept his house, I kept mine, we split 4 vehicles, I got the two I wanted. I sold my house and put the little $ I got in the bank. (real estate mkt. bad), but I wanted out of the neighborhood.....he is still there......I am renting now and am fine with it.....actually with a childhood friend. She and I divorced at the same time. She had a basement apt. she needed to rent out. Perfect. The actual divorce was only $400. because we wrote our own seperation agreement. My XAH has not worked in 5 yrs. since he lost his job from a DUI and refusing to go to treatment. He has spent all his money so will probably have to sell his house to live. He says he can't get any job because he is a felon. He is I think on assistance. He still drinks/drugs all day. He has a code/rich girlfriend so he probably will die before he gets help. He doesn't want help. I tried. I am in so much gratitude to be free of the life with an addict/alcoholic. It was crazy. I am retired from teaching and have a little pension and a partime job so I am happy. My life now is so different. It is serene. I am very active in Alanon and have a few wonderful recovery friends. All I can say is there is a way out if you can let go and trust HP and work a program.