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Is this really what an Addict does?

Old 01-02-2011, 08:21 AM
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Is this really what an Addict does?

Last night I sat down with my AH and tried to explain to him how his behavior has been affecting my family and I, especially when he drinks. And I further went on to explain how I "Thought" he was a functional alcoholic. Well things turned from civil to heart breaking.
It went from me being the loving girlfriend to him saying that I no longer loved him, or that I was trying to "get out" of the relationship. Or I could not "accept" who he was anymore. And After that point I told him if he could not take control of himself or his life and stop drinking that I could no longer live with him. I didn't really get a response after that except for the "Fine!" He yelled at me while exiting the house for a smoke.
I told him over and over that his addiction was going to be the end of our relationship, and all he had to say was "You knew what you were getting yourself into when we first started dating." Yes I knew that, and that was before things got serious and we decided to have children together. There was also a pause in which he started to compare himself to other people and how much they drank! I'm new to SR and how alcoholics work so I don't know what to think about any of this. I don't know if i'm really crazy and he isn't a AH or if this is just what addicts do.
The conversation was not in my favor at all and did not go as planned... I had hoped for a realization on his part.
After all was said and done and this argument didn't last for more than ten minutes before he was calm again and watching TV. I must say that he did not have one drink that day either so is that a coincidence? We went to bed and didn't discuss it any further. I was so close to just saying sorry for everything I had said to him! He got up this morning kissed me goodbye and went to work... Like nothing happened. I do not know what will happen later I'm just hoping for the best.
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Old 01-02-2011, 08:25 AM
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Yes, it is really what they do.

And you were expecting what?
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Old 01-02-2011, 08:25 AM
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isnt it fun having a chat with an A?? they take no ownership for what is put into the relationship....YES...this is what they do!

but if you think talking to him will help..
so?...NO WHAT?

are you going to ALANON? this will help to make things clearer....

PEACE
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Old 01-02-2011, 08:33 AM
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Yes that is exactly what they do.

Most of us have had that same conversation a hundred and one different ways and they always turn out exactly the same.

You should read through some of the stickies at the top. Lots of great information, sharing, and experience up there.
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Old 01-02-2011, 08:52 AM
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Many of those in active addiction are great manipulators. They can turn the glaring truth about their condition into a confusing mish mash about everything under the sun. As long as it takes the focus off of them and their problem.
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Old 01-02-2011, 08:53 AM
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Yes, this is how every conversation has went with my A, some better and some worse. It all ends the same way though. I wouldn't even bother to have that conversation again. Save the heartache of the harsh words, you don't deserve to be talked to that way. Go to Al-Anon and work on yourself. When he is ready, he will get help. The more you force the issue, the worse it gets and it seems like it makes the drinking worse too.

I know this is hard. I've been in your shoes for over 6 years and we have 2 small children. My A is currently in rehab for the 4th time and I am hoping and praying that this will be the last. I can't really worry about it though. The only thing I can do is go to Al-Anon and work MY program and let him work his, then hopefully we meet in the middle.
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Old 01-02-2011, 08:56 AM
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I am going to start going to alanon tomorrow, and until then I am talking with my mom (Whose husband, my father is a recovering drug addict) So I have a shoulder to lean on until I can find meetings near me...
Thanks for the support everyone I really need it right now. I only WISH words would work...
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Old 01-02-2011, 09:00 AM
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Have you ever tried to argue with a young child who really wants just one cookie before dinner?
They promise they'll eat all their vegetables, and clean their room, and John's parents let him have as many cookies as he likes, and you don't love him anymore, and didn't you notice how he set the table "without being asked," and who made you the boss of cookies, etc, etc.

That's the emotional/intelligence level of an argument about alcohol with an alcoholic.
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Old 01-02-2011, 09:03 AM
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Originally Posted by StarCat View Post

That's the emotional/intelligence level of an argument about alcohol with an alcoholic.
So I have noticed...
And also have noticed how selfish they are... But they don't see themselves that way at all.. I'm the selfish one because I care too much...
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Old 01-02-2011, 09:05 AM
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Originally Posted by Zencat View Post
Many of those in active addiction are great manipulators. They can turn the glaring truth about their condition into a confusing mish mash about everything under the sun. As long as it takes the focus off of them and their problem.
Yes that was most of the conversation with my A last night... Everything turned into something else... even things about how his family are composed of addicts or about events from years ago! It's all so frustrating...
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Old 01-02-2011, 09:08 AM
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Have you seen this thread?

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2812953
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Old 01-02-2011, 09:10 AM
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While he may not drink as much as someone else, and while he may be functioning well right now, please keep in mind that alcoholism is progressive. It will get worse. It never gets better without help. So, if he is an alcoholic, there will come a day when, yes, he drinks just as much as "they" do and his life will start to unravel, which means yours will too.

I hope you will put any plans to have children with this man on the back burner until this problem is resolved, one way or the other.
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Old 01-02-2011, 10:07 AM
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You Knew What You Were Getting Into. . .

Originally Posted by MamaDuck101 View Post
Last night I sat down with my AH and tried to explain to him how his behavior has been affecting my family and I, especially when he drinks. . . .
I told him over and over that his addiction was going to be the end of our relationship, and all he had to say was "You knew what you were getting yourself into when we first started dating." Yes I knew that, and that was before things got serious and we decided to have children together.

Hello Again MamaDuck,

When my husband was in the throws of his active alcoholism, we had similar arguments. I tried to be rational, calm, loving, understanding, etc. about his drinking (and smoking pot). It would then turn into a blown out argument because he would start throwing this and that into the argument. I always had to remember "My mind is clear. I don't have any substances in my mind & body. I am not crazy. I need to stop getting sucked into his illogic & insanity (although it was too late, I was already deeply affected by alcohol addiction/codependency well before I had even met him. That's why I was with him.) When my husband would say, "You knew what you were getting into!" I *finally* got it (after 13 & 1/2 years or so), he was saying to me, "I AM NOT GOING TO CHANGE. I DON'T WANT TO CHANGE!" He was correct. I knew what I was getting into. I knew he was an alcoholic/addict. I accepted him at that time. (But deep down in the recesses of my heart, I also believed that with true love, we could overcome this and he would change. One day he would see that "our love" was greater & more rewarding than the love affairs he was having with Bud (Bud Weiser) and MaryJane (pot). Yeah right! (I was borderline delusional, looking back!)

It really hit me when we had our child. His addiction was not getting better. It was getting worse. (It was always bad but I didn't see it until our daughter was born. It had finally become *unacceptable* for me. Yet, it took 3&1/2 years of my daughter's life for me to get my daughter out of this insanity.) I felt immobilized for a while, but I knew I had no choice but to leave. Alcoholism/addiction was ravaging my mind, body & soul. It was robbing our daughter not only of a father but a mother too.
I took our three & a half year old daughter at the time and left. Things progressed for the worse for my husband. (My situation wasn't good either. I was so sad and heartbroken but the separation gave me distance & clarity. I was able to feel love for him again but also sadness that I had no control over his addictions. Eventually my husband hit his bottom and entered an inpatient program for 30 days. He has been almost 10 months sober. (We are still separated but working on my moving back home. I am working hard on myself because I know we will have challenges along the way! I dont' have control over his addictions. I don't have control over his recovery. I only have control over my responses and my own recovery.

The lesson I have learned is that for "recovery" to happen for the addict (and for the codependent partner) is that we must crash & crash hard, if we survive the crash. (I was always afraid my husband wouldn't survive the crash so I would enable, be that last cushion where he could fall. I wasn't helping him (or myself) at all by doing so.

What you described really spoke to me, especially about your boyfriend/husband saying, "You knew what you were getting into" and how a rational, calm, loving "discussion" could turn into a convoluted, illogical, verbally assaultive argument. I finally realized this is insanity (saying, doing, repeating the same things over & over and on my part expecting different results.) "You knew what you were getting into" is a way of the addict saying (for now), "I am who I am. Don't try to change me! Accept me for who I am."

Yes, that's what addicts do. And yes, that's what those of us who love, care about & marry addicts get sucked into. . . It hurts to read your post but at the same time, I have hope that you will finally hear your partner's statement, you will focus on yourself, and you will find support here on SR. When you change, you will often see a change in the addict. Please keep posting!

Big hugs to you, MamaDuck! I sooooo hear you on this!
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Old 01-02-2011, 10:14 AM
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Great post YorkieGirl!!!
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Old 01-02-2011, 10:20 AM
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Why oh why does it take me a book chapter to express what many of you can say so much more eloquently in two or three sentences!? Sorry to be so excessively verbose! (Another thing I must put on my "need to work on" list!)
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Old 01-02-2011, 10:49 AM
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What on earth are you talking about yorkiegirl? I thought it was a great post! Maybe you are being self-critical. (((hugs)))
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Old 01-02-2011, 10:52 AM
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It's like encouraging a cat to start barking and wondering why it doesn't. You had a conversation not with a person but with the bottle (assume he had booze in him, correct?). We alcoholics are self-pitying, manipulative, self-centered in the extreme. We have enormous egos and low self esteem.

What I do know (cause I'm a recovering alcoholic) is that nothing will get better while he is drinking. Also, there is nothing you can do or say that will cause him to stop drinking, although if he looses enough it may drive him to AA.
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Old 01-02-2011, 11:04 AM
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That's almost exactly how the discussion went with my A, too (minus the going out to smoke).

That article about excuses is brilliant. And scary, because you want to think the person you're involved with is a person, and then you see that they're completely run by their addiction.
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Old 01-02-2011, 11:35 AM
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Originally Posted by yorkiegirl View Post
What you described really spoke to me, especially about your boyfriend/husband saying, "You knew what you were getting into" and how a rational, calm, loving "discussion" could turn into a convoluted, illogical, verbally assaultive argument. I finally realized this is insanity (saying, doing, repeating the same things over & over and on my part expecting different results.) "You knew what you were getting into" is a way of the addict saying (for now), "I am who I am. Don't try to change me! Accept me for who I am."

Yes, that's what addicts do. And yes, that's what those of us who love, care about & marry addicts get sucked into. . . It hurts to read your post but at the same time, I have hope that you will finally hear your partner's statement, you will focus on yourself, and you will find support here on SR. When you change, you will often see a change in the addict. Please keep posting!

Big hugs to you, MamaDuck! I sooooo hear you on this!
Thankyou so much for that Yorkie, I really appreciate your story and it gives me strength to do what really need to do for myself and my unborn child. Thank you...
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Old 01-02-2011, 03:59 PM
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You know what - I did know my xah was a drinker. He changed a little from when we were married but not a whole heck of a lot. The drinking was a bit worse in the end but it was bad from the time we met.

I changed though. That kept me stuck for a long time. I felt like I was betraying him and/or did not give myself permission to follow my own truths because of it.

What was not important then, is a very big deal to me now. I changed. I did and he didn't and it is still OK to say that this is no longer working for me, even though I signed up for it. We are human. We follow our paths even when they lead us in a way we didn't foresee. It is unfortunate for him. I am sad and sorry about that. We can't sacrifice ourselves because of that though, it doesn't really work.
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