Is this really what an Addict does?
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
The "you knew before you married me" crap is just one more way the alcoholic turns it around on you. Instead of acknowledging their behavior, they point the finger at us. Just take a damn poll and count how many of us have heard this and there is our answer-typical quackery-so unoriginal that it's likely universal. Maybe some of our F&F from other continents will post and let us know if alcoholics outside the U.S. use the same line.
Quack quack quack quack quack
Quack quack quack quack quack
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Originally Posted by yorkiegirl 
Why oh why does it take me a book chapter to express what many of you can say so much more eloquently in two or three sentences!? 
Sorry to be so excessively verbose! (Another thing I must put on my "need to work on" list!) 
Sorry to be so excessively verbose! (Another thing I must put on my "need to work on" list!) i love your "verbose" posts! It is thorough. I love thorough.
Beth
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Originally Posted by Violet3
Yes they really do say that.
Amazingly my DH is not the special snowflake he thought he was. Even his 'excuses' are old news.
V
Amazingly my DH is not the special snowflake he thought he was. Even his 'excuses' are old news.
V
special snowflake!
okay, that is great!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Florida
Posts: 18
Originally Posted by Thumper
You know what - I did know my xah was a drinker. He changed a little from when we were married but not a whole heck of a lot. The drinking was a bit worse in the end but it was bad from the time we met.
I changed though. That kept me stuck for a long time. I felt like I was betraying him and/or did not give myself permission to follow my own truths because of it.
What was not important then, is a very big deal to me now. I changed. I did and he didn't and it is still OK to say that this is no longer working for me, even though I signed up for it. We are human. We follow our paths even when they lead us in a way we didn't foresee. It is unfortunate for him. I am sad and sorry about that. We can't sacrifice ourselves because of that though, it doesn't really work.
I changed though. That kept me stuck for a long time. I felt like I was betraying him and/or did not give myself permission to follow my own truths because of it.
What was not important then, is a very big deal to me now. I changed. I did and he didn't and it is still OK to say that this is no longer working for me, even though I signed up for it. We are human. We follow our paths even when they lead us in a way we didn't foresee. It is unfortunate for him. I am sad and sorry about that. We can't sacrifice ourselves because of that though, it doesn't really work.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Well my dear, your AH sure gave you a perfect lesson in How to Twist out of Trouble.
Yes, A's do this sort of thing as if it was second nature, and will blame whoever, whatever for their misery, homelessness, poverty, anger and sore toe, rather than look at the reality.
Some of the tales they come up with make Mother Goose Stories, and the Brothers Grimm seem like amateurs, but are often actually believed by the A as the truth.
It really can seem as if it must be us who are doolalley, losing our marbles or plain dumb.....but it isn't. We may be stunned for a bit, but it is not our brains that have gone missing, just our perception on things that is a little wonky.
For every bit of your post, lots of us raised our hands and answered, "me too".
Now you know what this is, you can get on with doing something about how it affects you.....and decide what you want in your life.
Yes, A's do this sort of thing as if it was second nature, and will blame whoever, whatever for their misery, homelessness, poverty, anger and sore toe, rather than look at the reality.
Some of the tales they come up with make Mother Goose Stories, and the Brothers Grimm seem like amateurs, but are often actually believed by the A as the truth.
It really can seem as if it must be us who are doolalley, losing our marbles or plain dumb.....but it isn't. We may be stunned for a bit, but it is not our brains that have gone missing, just our perception on things that is a little wonky.
For every bit of your post, lots of us raised our hands and answered, "me too".
Now you know what this is, you can get on with doing something about how it affects you.....and decide what you want in your life.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Salt Lake City, UT
Posts: 85
Originally Posted by tjp613
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Florida
Posts: 18
Originally Posted by Jadmack25
It really can seem as if it must be us who are doolalley, losing our marbles or plain dumb.....but it isn't. We may be stunned for a bit, but it is not our brains that have gone missing, just our perception on things that is a little wonky.
For every bit of your post, lots of us raised our hands and answered, "me too".
Now you know what this is, you can get on with doing something about how it affects you.....and decide what you want in your life.
For every bit of your post, lots of us raised our hands and answered, "me too".
Now you know what this is, you can get on with doing something about how it affects you.....and decide what you want in your life.
I really do feel a little less crazy after joining this site and I am so grateful for everyone who is supporting myself and others.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 54
Mamaduck..in the beginning of my 25 year marriage I also would try to discuss my Aw drinking..as the years progressed and the drinking worsens she began to get more and more defensive..it was hard for me not to argue and try to get her to stop for her sake and for our marriage. The arguments got weirder on her part as time went on. She started accusing me of being a drunk and an addict and you name it. The more I pushed the more she would project her issues on to me. I rarely ever drink but she almost had me believing I was a raging alcoholic, drug addict, pervert and psychopath. They do and say anything to take the heat off them. That's how crazy arguing with an alcoholic can get. Hope it doesn't get as bad in your situation, can only let you know how it is with me. They can literally drive you crazy with their irrational thinking. That's why you have to protect yourself and your sanity. I realize since attening alanon and reading posts on SR that you just can't reason with the devil (alcohol) that has a hold of them. They have to defeat it on their own term. Hope he makes the right choice as he seems lucky to have you...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 223
Originally Posted by MamaDuck101
I told him over and over that his addiction was going to be the end of our relationship, and all he had to say was "You knew what you were getting yourself into when we first started dating."
You are telling him that his drinking is a relationship deal-breaker.
He's telling you that your not accepting his drinking is a relationship deal-breaker.
You thought you were going to get someone who drank not at all or drank normally.
He thought he was going to get someone who'd be ok with his drinking.
Now you are at an impass. You are staring each other down, playing 'chicken'. Which one of you is going to give in? Or will neither of you ever give in, just spend the rest of your lives in a struggle to make the other one capitulate?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 6
I wanna know how you avoid the emotional blackmail? I am trying so hard not to give in and engage but then it just puts me in a bad mood and the crazy thinking way the rest of the day. Do they have amnesia and blackouts of every single thing they have done to us to put us in this position of leaving them? However, they have perfect memory of everything we have done to them. Argggh.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 16
it can be so hard being the partner of an alocholic. I am the former partner of an alocholic. I have read this thread going "yep he did that" or "yep he said that". My experience and story didn't end happily though but I sincerely hope a lot of yours ends with your partners choosing you over the drink.
When I found our my partner was an alocholic, I agreed to give him a second chance on the understanding he gave up drink and got help, i made it clear i had one second chance in me only but I would support him and do whatever I was capable of to help and be there for him. This turned out to be for example hours of hearing him moan and grumble about how awful his life was, how I didn't understand him, how no one on the face of the earth had suffered the way he had, days and days on end of being in the deep pit of despair and basically dragging me down with him, - his moaning, mood swings, snappiness and to be fair effects from withdrawal ruined christmas for both of us. I would spend hours researching herbal remedies that would help, once I walked a mile in 6 inches of snow to post some to him where he was. I would send him congratulatory emails regularly and let him know how proud of him I was.
This went on and on - on a daily basis - I am a naturally upbeat happy bubbly person but was beginning to feel well and truly sunk into his pit of despair with him. I tried all sorts to cheer him up. He had lots of issues that needed sorting - family, legal etc etc, I tried to make him see the sense of prioritising these issues and dealing with one at a time otherwise trying to deal with too much at one time would lead to a relapse the response I got was "I don't want to prioritise I am not a proactive person".
I then started to suspect that he was drinking again - the way he looked, some behavioural change back to how he was when drinking (but not the constant negativity that stuck around). I asked him on two occasions, he denied but in a very cold and mechanical way.
I couldn't take it eventually after one occasion when it was clear as crystal that this person had not intentions of ever working (he's unemployed), I am a hard worker and just didn't sit comfortably with this and I was even more convinced of him drinking again when he said that he wanted to try a beer to see how it affected his shakes - I ended the relationship once and for all.
In all fairness he really wasn't bothered at all, couldnt care less and said that if I hadn't have ended it he was going to. I said that we weren't compatible and that he needed someone with a greater level of sympathy than I had - he totally agreed with that and I just, well i just need someone different from him.
Since then its transpired that this wasn't his first attempt at sobriety - he tried 3 years ago with campral and failed after 6 weeks - I knew nothing of this. Also found out that he hasn't worked for years and years and has no intention of ever working if he can help it - he prefers to target women with good jobs in the hopes they will become his meal ticket - feel sick to my stomach at this thought and makes me feel very foolish.
I guess the point of this post is that if your alocholic partner really wants to give up and change he will but its his or her's decision and battle - you'll certainly be able to see the effort and hard work. Some active alcoholics are deceiptful and manipulative.
To the alcoholics out there that have loved ones being affected by their actions, please see how others suffer because of your actions.
To partners - stick with it if you feel they are really worth it as I am sure the rewards at the end will be a wonderful life together.
Unfortunately thats not going to happen for me, but it will for lots of others and that cheers me and helps mend my crushed spirit right now.
Thoughts and prayers with you all
When I found our my partner was an alocholic, I agreed to give him a second chance on the understanding he gave up drink and got help, i made it clear i had one second chance in me only but I would support him and do whatever I was capable of to help and be there for him. This turned out to be for example hours of hearing him moan and grumble about how awful his life was, how I didn't understand him, how no one on the face of the earth had suffered the way he had, days and days on end of being in the deep pit of despair and basically dragging me down with him, - his moaning, mood swings, snappiness and to be fair effects from withdrawal ruined christmas for both of us. I would spend hours researching herbal remedies that would help, once I walked a mile in 6 inches of snow to post some to him where he was. I would send him congratulatory emails regularly and let him know how proud of him I was.
This went on and on - on a daily basis - I am a naturally upbeat happy bubbly person but was beginning to feel well and truly sunk into his pit of despair with him. I tried all sorts to cheer him up. He had lots of issues that needed sorting - family, legal etc etc, I tried to make him see the sense of prioritising these issues and dealing with one at a time otherwise trying to deal with too much at one time would lead to a relapse the response I got was "I don't want to prioritise I am not a proactive person".
I then started to suspect that he was drinking again - the way he looked, some behavioural change back to how he was when drinking (but not the constant negativity that stuck around). I asked him on two occasions, he denied but in a very cold and mechanical way.
I couldn't take it eventually after one occasion when it was clear as crystal that this person had not intentions of ever working (he's unemployed), I am a hard worker and just didn't sit comfortably with this and I was even more convinced of him drinking again when he said that he wanted to try a beer to see how it affected his shakes - I ended the relationship once and for all.
In all fairness he really wasn't bothered at all, couldnt care less and said that if I hadn't have ended it he was going to. I said that we weren't compatible and that he needed someone with a greater level of sympathy than I had - he totally agreed with that and I just, well i just need someone different from him.
Since then its transpired that this wasn't his first attempt at sobriety - he tried 3 years ago with campral and failed after 6 weeks - I knew nothing of this. Also found out that he hasn't worked for years and years and has no intention of ever working if he can help it - he prefers to target women with good jobs in the hopes they will become his meal ticket - feel sick to my stomach at this thought and makes me feel very foolish.
I guess the point of this post is that if your alocholic partner really wants to give up and change he will but its his or her's decision and battle - you'll certainly be able to see the effort and hard work. Some active alcoholics are deceiptful and manipulative.
To the alcoholics out there that have loved ones being affected by their actions, please see how others suffer because of your actions.
To partners - stick with it if you feel they are really worth it as I am sure the rewards at the end will be a wonderful life together.
Unfortunately thats not going to happen for me, but it will for lots of others and that cheers me and helps mend my crushed spirit right now.
Thoughts and prayers with you all
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Hi Mamaduck,
No this is not what alcoholics normally do, they however have been known to;
Drunk Man Gives Mouth-to-Mouth to Roadkill, Say Police
Posted by Edecio Martinez 16 comments
Drunk Man Gives Mouth-to-Mouth to Roadkill, Say Police - Crimesider - CBS News
Opossum (AP Photo, file)
Opossum (AP Photo, file)
PUNXSUTAWNEY, Pa. (CBS/AP) When police found Donald Wolfe, he was giving mouth-to-mouth "resuscitation" to a long-dead opossum along a major highway, according to officials.
Trooper Jamie Levier says several witnesses saw the 55-year-old Brookville, Pa. man kneeling before the roadkill and gesturing as though he were conducting a seance, while another saw the mouth-to-mouth attempt.
Levier says Wolfe was "extremely intoxicated" and "did have his mouth in the area of the animal's mouth...I guess."
Wolfe was charged with public drunkenness.
No this is not what alcoholics normally do, they however have been known to;
Drunk Man Gives Mouth-to-Mouth to Roadkill, Say Police
Posted by Edecio Martinez 16 comments
Drunk Man Gives Mouth-to-Mouth to Roadkill, Say Police - Crimesider - CBS News
Opossum (AP Photo, file)
Opossum (AP Photo, file)
PUNXSUTAWNEY, Pa. (CBS/AP) When police found Donald Wolfe, he was giving mouth-to-mouth "resuscitation" to a long-dead opossum along a major highway, according to officials.
Trooper Jamie Levier says several witnesses saw the 55-year-old Brookville, Pa. man kneeling before the roadkill and gesturing as though he were conducting a seance, while another saw the mouth-to-mouth attempt.
Levier says Wolfe was "extremely intoxicated" and "did have his mouth in the area of the animal's mouth...I guess."
Wolfe was charged with public drunkenness.
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