Snack4

That they have a drinking problem and admit they need help.

My stbx husband (seperated for a year now) was arrested this morning for what will either be a DWI or DUI. I have been telling him for months that his luck is going to run out and that he needs to consider getting help.

Now he KNOWS that his luck has run out (luckily no one was hurt). He is looking at hefty fines, loss of license, increased insurance and all this is definitely going to hurt the business that we continue to run jointly.

I know they have to want the help, but how low do they have to go to actually put their ego/pride aside and admit it? He has surrounded himself with nothing but enablers and will never be able to stop on his own. Since we are "still" married, his actions could eventually cost me our home if he kills someone!

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

suki44883

Some never reach the point where they embrace sobriety. Sad, but true. You have to protect yourself financially, so whatever you need to do to arrange that should be your priority.

NYCDoglvr

I'd been a daily drinker for almost a decade. During that time I was fired from two jobs specifically for getting drunk (I worked in advertising). What these humiliating things taught me was to never drink around other people.

What finally convinced me was this: One Christmas on a Saturday evening I decided to decorate the beautiful Christmas tree my brother had brought from upstate. I'd sworn off red wine because tannic acid made me drunk but I had two very nice bottles of Bordeaux someone had given me and hey, it's Christmas. One moment I was opening a bottle of wine, the next instant I woke up in the emergency room strapped to a gurney. In a blackout I decided to take a big bottle of Valium (19 years later I have no idea why). A friend who lived nearby tried reaching me, knew I was home and when he couldn't get me by phone, came to my apartment. Fortunately he had keys.

I was unconscious. He called 911, they pumped my stomach and kept me for three days. That was September, 1991. That's what it took for this alcoholic to get help.

But most alcoholics don't wait until they almost die. You wake up one day and just know it's over. You hopefully get help because, I believe, it's too tough to do it alone.
Of course some people never "get it." But no one knows why some do, some don't.

Kindeyes

When? When they're ready.....and not a minute sooner.

Hopefully this will be an eye opener for him. Denial is pretty darn powerful though and it's amazing how they can come up with excuses to keep drinking while their world falls down around them.

Take care of you.....that's the only thing within your control.

gentle hugs

Snack4

Thank you for the responses. I want to be there for him, but I also want him to admit he has a problem and get the help he needs. I know several recovering alcoholics who would be happy to help....when he asks for it.
He has literally pissed away over $25,000 from March through May in his attempts to impress everyone at whatever bar he happened to be in. I have had countless calls in the middle of the night to "come get him". This morning really brought things into perspective for me....just hope it does for him!

suki44883

We all want to "be there" for our loved ones, but sometimes it comes down to a decision of whether being there for them means putting our on best interests in danger. You can be supportive of his efforts to find help if and when he decides to do that. Until then, there is nothing in the world wrong with taking care of yourself and your own well-being. Whether he decides to embrace sobriety or not, you must decide how to best protect yourself both financially and emotionally.

trapeze

I am learning to look at it from a different angle. I what point did I hit bottom - when did I lose myself? I got so caught up in my AH's problems that I wasn't in touch with my own needs, my own life, my son's needs. At that point I had to make a change. It just so happens that this started the events which led to my husband admitting he had a problem and going to rehab, but this wasn't the objective. My point is, for me it is about knowing when I've hit bottom - when I'm not living true to my values because I've put the alcoholic ahead of everything else. I have to work to stay out of that dark place.

Thumper

IME admitting the problem and seeking help are two different things and don't necessarily come at the same time.

Some people have a very low bottom. 6' under even.