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I've realized that my Spouse has a problem

Old 01-01-2011, 12:02 PM
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I've realized that my Spouse has a problem

My name is Kristen, and I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years now. We are expecting our first child and I am so excited to finally become a mommy!
I knew my boyfriend had a drinking problem when we first got together, and not only does he drink, but he takes narcotics as well, and sometimes together! I thought this habit would die down as the months passed, and boy was I wrong.
For a little while he did let up and things were starting to look a lot better, but once an addict it's very hard to stop... I knew what I was getting myself into when we first started getting serious, and I figured that once it was really time to settle down he would eventually stop... Things were looking up like I said, but now nearing the end of my pregnancy I am realizing that was a false hope. I claim to be happy and refused to believe that I was being treated poorly and the verbal abuse has become unbearable that I don't even want to be around him anymore. The excuses are getting more lame every time I hear them and I don't want my newborn to be exposed to this kind of behavior. I know ultimatums are not the way to go, so should I confront him or should I just leave him? I don't want to end up being a single mother, we are supposed to be getting married after Skyler is born. I can't even write in chronological order that is how frustrating my life has become!

Everytime I bring up his addiction he says things will get better... and then after a few days he goes right about his business and when he drinks he has a temper and puts me down all the time. He is depressed and takes it out on me! He claims he drinks because he can't see his five year old son from his first marriage, or that he can't bear the pain during the holidays, I'm afraid for my future and also his well being, what do I do?
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Old 01-01-2011, 12:13 PM
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Ultimatums aren't always a bad thing if you are using them to take care of you and not to force change. If you are ready to leave unless he quits then there is nothing wrong with saying that...just don't say that thinking it will change his behavior because only he can do that.

If you are concerned for your safety you may want to do this in a public place and have a plan of where you will go afterwards.

You may also want to check out an Al-anon meeting in your area for support.

Sorry to hear of you troubles. ((hugs)) Take care and always remember SR is here to listen.
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Old 01-01-2011, 12:15 PM
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Welcome Kristen--Glad you are here. SR is a great place to find support. I just want to say that you need to put yourself first--for a change. Coming here was a good start. You should put your needs and that of your child first. You cannot change your boyfriend. If he is to get help for himself--that is a decision he must make. As far an any type of confrontation--I would say NO. That will only add stress to the pregnancy also not to mention there is a possibility he may become physically violent and that wouldn't be good for you or the baby. Recovery is possible for him--but he has to want to get help. Another concern is that you mentioned he can't see his child from his first marriage......was that because of drugs also? Addicts will find an excuse to use if they really want to use. That just caught my attention--as to why he can't have a relationship with his child....maybe he hasn't been completely honest about the situation.

Just know that you don't have to be put in a position where you feel you have to tip-toe around him. Get help for yourself--learn about the disease of addiction. There is hope! You are not alone. We do recover.
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Old 01-01-2011, 01:32 PM
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No it was not due to addiction, it's mainly because his ex wife wants more money ontop of child support in exchange for visitation, which is being handled through the courts... just another situation that can cause another excuse.. Thank you for the advice I will muster up the courage to do what is best for myself and my child
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Old 01-01-2011, 03:20 PM
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MamaDuck, hang in there. You are responsible for two lives now--yours and the little one you're carrying. That's a lot of responsibility, but having a mother's love in your heart can make you stronger than you ever knew. It sounds like you aren't committed to leaving, so I won't give you advice on that front. I will only say that I recommend you take a look at lots of other threads of people who are married to alcoholics and addicts of all kinds to get a look at what your future might be. Maybe if you're uncertain, you should at least postpone the wedding. Getting out of a live-in relationship can be legally easier than getting a divorce.
Be strong and take care of yourself. Meanwhile, keep coming back here. I have found this to be an endless well of kindness and support.
Best wishes to you, and God bless us all.
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Old 01-01-2011, 03:25 PM
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>>>>>>>No it was not due to addiction, it's mainly because his ex wife wants more money ontop of child support in exchange for visitation, <<<<<<<<

Active addicts are angry people, it is about his addiction. Everything is about his addiction, one of the big downsides of being around an addict. Trust me, as long as he's using, nothing will improve. So please, please take care of yourself! You deserve a good, beautiful life.
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Old 01-01-2011, 04:26 PM
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Michelle70, I completely agree with you and thank you for your help and support, the thought of marriage right now is definitely out of the question until he gets help and gets clean and sober.
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