Sustainable Marriage quiz??
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Sustainable Marriage quiz??
I saw this on the NY Times webpage at The Sustainable Marriage - NYTimes.com.
I took the quiz, with my totally unsustainable marriage to ex AH in mind, and scored very highly! that marriage to an active alcoholic should have been highly sustainable according to the quiz developers! the questions don't distinguish between positive growth and negative. Now admittedly I learned a lot of things I needed to know from that marriage, but it was not sustainable!
How many of you, married to an alcoholic or other addict, also score highly on this?? New experiences, new awarenesses, expanded capabilities, larger perspectives - we all got that in spades I bet! but not sustainable or healthy.
Quiz
What does it take to sustain a marriage?
As I report in the latest Week in Review section, researchers are studying how people sustain their relationships by using them to accumulate knowledge and new experiences, a process they call “self-expansion.” Studies show that the more self-expansion a person experiences through their partner, the more satisfied and committed they are to the relationship.
To learn more about the science of sustainable relationships, read the full story, “The Happy Marriage Is the ‘Me’ Marriage.”
And to learn more about your own relationship, take the quiz below to measure how much your own relationship expands your knowledge and makes you feel good about yourself. The quiz was developed by Gary W. Lewandowski, Jr., associate psychology professor at Monmouth University in New Jersey.
Answer each question according to the way you personally feel, using the following scale. Answers range from (1) not very much to (7) very much. Then, add up your scores and check the scale below to see how your own relationship ranks.
Not Very Much…Very Much
How much does being with your partner result in your having new experiences? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
When you are with your partner, do you feel a greater awareness of things because of him or her? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
How much does your partner increase your ability to accomplish new things? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
How much does your partner help to expand your sense of the kind of person you are? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
How much do you see your partner as a way to expand your own capabilities? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
How much do your partner’s strengths as a person (skills, abilities, etc.) compensate for some of your own weaknesses as a person? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
How much do you feel that you have a larger perspective on things because of your partner? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
How much has being with your partner resulted in your learning new things? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
How much has knowing your partner made you a better person? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
How much does your partner increase your knowledge? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
Scores
60 and above — Highly Expansive. You are gaining a lot of new experiences and reaching new goals as a result of your relationship. Chances are you have a happier, more sustainable relationship as a result.
45 to 60 — Moderately Exciting. Your relationship has led to moderate improvements in your life and some new experiences. But there’s definitely room for improvement.
Below 45 — Low Connection. Your relationship is not creating opportunities that help expand your knowledge and make you feel better about yourself. Make an effort to share new experiences with your partner to improve your relationship.
I took the quiz, with my totally unsustainable marriage to ex AH in mind, and scored very highly! that marriage to an active alcoholic should have been highly sustainable according to the quiz developers! the questions don't distinguish between positive growth and negative. Now admittedly I learned a lot of things I needed to know from that marriage, but it was not sustainable!
How many of you, married to an alcoholic or other addict, also score highly on this?? New experiences, new awarenesses, expanded capabilities, larger perspectives - we all got that in spades I bet! but not sustainable or healthy.
Quiz
What does it take to sustain a marriage?
As I report in the latest Week in Review section, researchers are studying how people sustain their relationships by using them to accumulate knowledge and new experiences, a process they call “self-expansion.” Studies show that the more self-expansion a person experiences through their partner, the more satisfied and committed they are to the relationship.
To learn more about the science of sustainable relationships, read the full story, “The Happy Marriage Is the ‘Me’ Marriage.”
And to learn more about your own relationship, take the quiz below to measure how much your own relationship expands your knowledge and makes you feel good about yourself. The quiz was developed by Gary W. Lewandowski, Jr., associate psychology professor at Monmouth University in New Jersey.
Answer each question according to the way you personally feel, using the following scale. Answers range from (1) not very much to (7) very much. Then, add up your scores and check the scale below to see how your own relationship ranks.
Not Very Much…Very Much
How much does being with your partner result in your having new experiences? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
When you are with your partner, do you feel a greater awareness of things because of him or her? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
How much does your partner increase your ability to accomplish new things? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
How much does your partner help to expand your sense of the kind of person you are? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
How much do you see your partner as a way to expand your own capabilities? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
How much do your partner’s strengths as a person (skills, abilities, etc.) compensate for some of your own weaknesses as a person? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
How much do you feel that you have a larger perspective on things because of your partner? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
How much has being with your partner resulted in your learning new things? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
How much has knowing your partner made you a better person? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
How much does your partner increase your knowledge? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
Scores
60 and above — Highly Expansive. You are gaining a lot of new experiences and reaching new goals as a result of your relationship. Chances are you have a happier, more sustainable relationship as a result.
45 to 60 — Moderately Exciting. Your relationship has led to moderate improvements in your life and some new experiences. But there’s definitely room for improvement.
Below 45 — Low Connection. Your relationship is not creating opportunities that help expand your knowledge and make you feel better about yourself. Make an effort to share new experiences with your partner to improve your relationship.
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
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Hey there Mushroom 
You gotta be careful with those quizes, it's the _fine print_ that will getcha
see that tricky part?
Notice that is says
You have to answer the question for _both_ parts, as in "expanding knowledge" AND "makes you feel good about yourself". It doesn't work if you only look at the expanding knowledge part but ignore the " feel good about yourself" part.
Mike
You gotta be careful with those quizes, it's the _fine print_ that will getcha
Originally Posted by mushroom 
.... how much your own relationship expands your knowledge and makes you feel good about yourself. ....
Originally Posted by mushroom
.... and makes you feel good about yourself. ....
Originally Posted by mushroom
....and ....
Mike
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Upfront - I didn't take the quiz you posted.
Often times marriages are salvageable if there are two people invested in the same primary relationship. My marriage was (or so the counselor said). Our issues were fixable - if there were two people in the same primary relationship. However, there was active alcoholism present so I was not his primary relationship. She wouldn't even do couples counseling. I would be sacrificed to his addiction - every time. You can't work on a relationship under that basic tenant.
The online quizzes are assuming that the two people involved identify each other (by word and by action) as their primary relationship, their priority, so they just do not apply.
Often times marriages are salvageable if there are two people invested in the same primary relationship. My marriage was (or so the counselor said). Our issues were fixable - if there were two people in the same primary relationship. However, there was active alcoholism present so I was not his primary relationship. She wouldn't even do couples counseling. I would be sacrificed to his addiction - every time. You can't work on a relationship under that basic tenant.
The online quizzes are assuming that the two people involved identify each other (by word and by action) as their primary relationship, their priority, so they just do not apply.
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I think any quiz that takes only one aspect of a relationship into account is pretty useless.
I had similar thoughts when I saw it -- because my RAXH sure as hell exposed me to a whole lot of new experiences! Even outside of the negative ones that made me feel like sh*t, I learned and grew a lot in positive ways with him, despite the drinking. But I grew and learned only what he would allow me to -- there were always the tantrums when I wanted to do something he wasn't interested in or felt threatened by...
A therapist/counselor I've read several books by (can't recall his name right now) has another touchstone that he judges the sustainability of a relationship by: If one party feels morally superior to the other, in his mind, the relationship is doomed. He says anything else, you can overcome -- but that can't be mended.
I had similar thoughts when I saw it -- because my RAXH sure as hell exposed me to a whole lot of new experiences! Even outside of the negative ones that made me feel like sh*t, I learned and grew a lot in positive ways with him, despite the drinking. But I grew and learned only what he would allow me to -- there were always the tantrums when I wanted to do something he wasn't interested in or felt threatened by...
A therapist/counselor I've read several books by (can't recall his name right now) has another touchstone that he judges the sustainability of a relationship by: If one party feels morally superior to the other, in his mind, the relationship is doomed. He says anything else, you can overcome -- but that can't be mended.
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