SoloMio

My second son, 30 years old, stopped drinking August 27. As I mentioned in another post, we all had a non-drinking Thanksgiving, but Christmas we weren't so lucky. In spite of AH being drunk every day, and drinking going on with my 1st son and 3rd son, my RAS smiled as he drank his diet Coke and coffee wherever we were. When we stopped for something to eat at a restaurant, and my AH went for his obligatory 3 drinks at the bar before being seated, RAS stepped out into the lobby and waited.

RAS and I talked a lot about how we all need to really recognize what's going on here and do what we can to help ourselves, and by helping ourselves, help AH. He told me how his girlfriend told him that she deserves a life not dictated by alcohol, and how he imagined that that was something that I could have/should have said to AH.

One night after I had gone to bed, AH and my 4 kids sat and talked, and all but RAS were drunk. They admitted that they were all alcoholics (my DD25 has not shown any real signs of trouble yet, but DS32 and DS26 definitely have). They talked about how all of their grandparents were alcoholic, too, and what a legacy they've been handed.

With all this alcoholism in the family, it feels like living in a vortex, but I talked to RAS about how his actions can help the current slow and even go the other way--about how proud I was of him, and how the butterfly effect of his actions towards sobriety will impact all of us for the good.

Now all of us are seeing ourselves relative to RAS and his sober girlfriend. Seeing ourselves this way helps to see things as they really are.

I am not alcoholic, but this is my sickness: I go along, I am afraid of confrontation, while I don't drink much myself (one or two glasses of wine is my limit) I just allow myself to be absorbed into the vortex of the family culture of drinking.

My RAS said to me gently: "I feel like I have two lives. When I'm in VT, it's amazing how I feel about my ability to get things done, do what I want to do, with a real clarity. But when I'm down here, I just feel different... I don't know... "

I felt he was really trying to tell me something about myself, so I said to him, "So, are you telling me that I am so hooked in to the drinking here that I've lost my self?"

And he said, "Exactly."

When I told him that I was considering moving out for 6 months to a year, he supported that and said, "Yeah and you should tell dad that if he comes near you after drinking, you'll just call the cops."

Last night AH and I went to my DS32's New Year's Eve party. AH has voiced wanting to go on the wagon (I think spurred by some of the things I just mentioned that happened over the past month) and I knew if we went to the party, it would delay his going on the wagon for at least a day. But we went. I could have said, I'm not going to be there if you're going to drink, but frankly, last year I did that, and he actually snuck out of the house and went to the party without me. So, we went. True to form last night, he got drunk and not fun to be with.

So, what I learned from my son is that I need to live my life. I need to join with him and swim against the family tide, as hard as it is. I'm ashamed at all of the "I've got to's...." I've posted in this forum of good intentions unfulfilled.

I don't want to see the family crumble, have AH die from this disease, see my kids sucked into the vortex and not be able to say that I changed what I could. I am grateful to RAS for holding up that mirror.

keepinon

You must be so proud of your son..I am glad you are able to look at some of the things he has learned..Do you go to Alalnon? I t is great for your recovery and also to show support for your son!

Ladybug0130

Hearing about your son is awesome! It's so nice to hear positive stories. If he feels that he can't be around you guys because of the drinking, don't guilt him in to coming over or anything either. It sounds like this is such a negative environment and I would hate to hear he got sucked back in to all of this. When my husband was trying to be sober (he has since fallen off the wagon) it became shocking to me how many of our friends, neighbors and relatives appear to have some sort of drinking problem and kept trying to literally force alcohol on my husband (they didn't know he was an alcoholic, to be fair). We live in such a drink obsessed culture that sometimes I think in order to be successful you have to set a lot of boundaries with people and really structure your life to avoid situations that cause you to fail.

Phoenixthebird

SoloMio, I just wanted to respond to you and tell you not to be so hard on yourself. We, Codies, do a lot of things to keep the peace and for the sake of our "little" children. By reading your narrative I believe you had a lot more influence on your children than you think you did! Do you really think your RAS would have just stopped drinking by "his girlfriend (telling) him that she deserves a life not dictated by alcohol" make him stop drinking? NO! Neither do I!

I am the mother of a 35 year old son who has called me the "glue" that holds the family together. This last year he had to become the "glue" that held the family together. Carrying the weight of the family upon my shoulders became to great that I had a massive stroke last December. Heck! I can't even walk now!

My dry drunk husband wouldn't even help me. In fact, he acts like he's angry that I had a stroke. My son had to become my caregiver. I've been able to pick up more responsibility for myself as I get healthier. In my prior life it was me that did all the work around the house, from painting the walls to the plumbing to paying the bills. My DDH had to take over paying the bills this last year, but not without complaining. He still doesn't know how to make a budget. If I am going to spend my own money, he demands that I run it through him first. It's gotten to a point that he even monitors all the incoming telephone calls. If we get a telephone call from someone and he doesn't recognize the number he will put a block on the number. Yes, I have missed important calls. As I'm getting healthier, I'm, also, making plans on moving out of here and starting my life over again!

"So, what I learned from my son is that I need to live my life. I need to join with him and swim against the family tide, as hard as it is." "Yesterday is History, Tomorrow a Mystery, Today is a Gift, Thats why it's called the Present." I know it's NOT going to be easy, but Thank God for our sons! :day6

Love and Peace,
Phoenix

SoloMio

Thanks, all. Keepinon, I have been to years' worth of Al-Anon but have not gone in a very long time. I keep telling myself I need to go back. That's exactly one of my "unfulfilled promises" I mentioned. Thanks for the encouragement.

Phoenix, thanks for telling me about your son and how he's helped you this year. It's amazing how our lives here on SR share so many common touchpoints. And I love the Ecclesiastes quote (I happen to love Ecclesiastes), and the "Yesterday/Tomorrow/Today" quote.

My only resolution this year is to practice mindfulness--of my thoughts, my behavior, my needs, my wants. Out of mindfulness you can do anything. So I figure if I simply pay attention to the gift of today that you reminded of, everything else will fall into place.

Verbena

Solo Mio, I hope you don't mind that I've copied and pasted your post and put it in my Booze Book. The booze book is a collection of resources and a journal I've started putting together for myself over the last several months. You see, I'm taking my life back.

I too have an AH. I also have three grown sons. My boys are not drinkers. I'm not bragging here. My husband didn't start drinking heavily until he was in his mid 40's. I worry about my sons. Could something set them off in the future?

I wish for you that you and your RAS will be able to count on each other and will grow and learn together.

Thanks for sharing your beautiful story.

transformyself

AH's family has those sorts of drunken discussions about how they are all either A's or how they are not A's. They switch it up every now and then you know, for variety I guess.

These self realizations, however, really have the potential to be life changing, one step at a time.

Happy New Year!