Steps forward aren't easy
 

Been struggling the past couple of days. Last night STBXAH had the kids (with his brother and parents supervising--they live upstairs) and I called him while I was at work to see when he was going to bring them home so I could let my parents know. In the background my two year old was asking for his mama and it was so sad to me. I missed my son and the days when I didn't work and got to spend all my time with my kids. Then when he brought them home (he was sober--fyi) my mom told me son cried for his daddy and then fell asleep. It broke my heart thinking about how difficult it must be for them. I love them and I never intended upon raising kids as a single parent.

Then today I had to go to my STBXAH's to pick up the car he has been using (in both of our names, loan in my name with him as a co-signer) because since he quit he job he has no way to register it for Jan or pay the payments and insurance. It was tough for me and I was feeling sad. I am moving the rest of my things next week and each step I take towards independence feels so confusing. It is like a death and a birth at the same time. I know it is the right thing to do for me, but sometimes the feelings of the loss make it hard to celebrate the new possibilities for growth I now have in my life.

I was having these thoughts earlier about how living with him again "wouldn't be too terrible" and that it would be "easier for the kids than going back and forth." I was thinking more about it though and I was realizing those thoughts weren't really about me missing him or wanting to be with him, they were more about me pitying him and feeling guilt for hurting him. They were also about me wishing I wasn't in a situation were my kids had to go between their parents all the time. It is nice to be able to see the reality of my situation, but it didn't make it any easier.

No it isn't easy, crystal. I feel for you, we never planned that these would be the decisions we would have to make. But your insight is awesome. Your children will adjust, and if there are problems, they have an awesome mom to help them through. Hugs.

I got divorced when my daughter was two, and she cried, etc going back and forth when she was young. If you ask her now (she's 30, happily married, 2 kids of her own) she would tell you that she is very glad that she grew up in a home with a happy mother, and with the nice but dysfunctional dad on the edges. She understands why we were divorced. She does not remember the early years.

It is going to be ok.

If you want to see reasons to keep on with the seperation you can check out the ACOA forum..many of those adults would have loved to have one sober safe home (which you will surely provide).The letting go is hard becuase the distance makes us feel pity...but these are the consequences of addiction and he must feel them.Too bad there is collateral damagee to the kids, but they will be fine because their mom puts them first.

I don't need to read those boards. I grew up with a drug addicted father and a co-dependent mother. I love my dad, but having some distance during certain times of my life would have helped me I am sure of it.

It helps me to read them from time to time, I find theres always a different perspective or different problem or even things I'd never even thought of.
I use them to help me help Joe, I can't do it all by myself.

Didn't mean to imply using them wouldn't be helpful. In fact, I have read them to help myself cope with some issues I carry from my childhood. I was just saying more that I don't need them to back my decision...I get it. Never thought of using them to help my kids as well though, good idea. Thanks.

Oh it is so tough. But you'll do it and life will get better again.