talked with the lawyer
 

Well, I spoke with two lawyers today. Both said the same thing basically. Which was good news. I just hate this. I wish I was as strong as you all make me sound to be. I just know the end game that I want. That's about all I know right now. I can't be with someone that would treat me this way. Whether he is sick or not doesn't really matter to me.

I haven't said anything to him, and I am sure to clear the history on my computer....Thanks for that advice by the way. That isn't something I would have thought of....well, because I try to live an honest life. 10 years with this man, and here I am. He is so cold and mean. But I guess I am too. I have a reason. He doesn't. Do I just want to win? What would that do for me and our child? Probably not much. I don't understand any of this.

So, I am going to file for divorce. And let life happen. I don't like it, but staying would be worse...That's all I got right now..

Big hugs to you. Divorce is never easy. But there are times when it's the better option. I know it was for me.

:grouphug:
It was so hard for me to go in to talk to the first lawyer, I know it takes a lot of strength to do that. You are far stronger than you give yourself credit for!

Wishing you peace and continued strength.

You are WAY stronger than you give yourself credit for. The amount of self-restraint you are exhibiting is amazing and EXTREMELY SMART. Just keep doing what you are doing and you will win - which means getting the best 'deal' for you and your child! If you were to confront him now and tip your hand all hell would break loose and what would THAT accomplish? No! Just keep laying low, keep your cool, and keep putting one foot in front of the other. You are WAY ahead of the game.

I'm sorry. Really. I know how traumatic and sucky this is. Many of us do.

However, please believe me when I say that you are behaving in a way I wish I had when I found out about the affair. And many others come here and cannot defend themselves in the way you have-read other posts! We give this advice open handedly here and it often falls on deaf ears because some folks aren't ready to let go of their alcoholic. They still want to hold on and keep trying to work with or change their A's. They're still stuck in their own addiction to their A. Myself included in some ways.

The course of action you're taking is sane. Careful and mature. We "make you out to be strong," because we've seen hundreds of other folks come here, ask for advice and stay in their abusive situation. I"m learning to sthu when that happens and let those folks walk their own path.

I know others have done the same with me. So it's inspiring and beautiful to see someone come here and find the escape hatch right away. We see the bigger picture, and so do you, despite the grueling pain of initial discovery that your H is having an affair.

Yes, he's cold and mean. Be prepared for him to either attack you or plead for another chance when he's served. He'll blameshift and make it all your fault, or try to convince you he'll change-he may even do both of those things in the same conversation. It's amazing.

Can you get yourself into therapy too? Or go to Alanon meetings? We may all be high-fiving you, but this situation is all consuming and exhausting.

Thank you for keeping us updated. I hope you're hanging out with your little guy too, now there's some healing power.

that's enough, for now.

one step at a time is just fine. soon you will have a different life, and you don't have to think about that, or wonder about that right now. but one day you will look back and be amazed.

Sending you hugs ((((Vicki)))) and encouragement!

Just to let you know that you are not alone. big hugs! Been through this one too this past year. A lot of ups and downs but the conclusion I came to is the same as yours - I didn't want to live this way anymore - I didn't want to hurt this way anymore and I didn't want to hurt my AH either (I think he is doing enough of that himself).

I have choices, he has choices - the process is started and it will have a end - I just not sure which ending at this point - but getting my emotions to catch up with my head and values in life.

BTW - isn't it awful to deal with this stuff at this time of year? Actually, for me, it helped to clear my vision.:ring

I feel you.
I am looking into it, too.
I am hoping for a simplified divorce (under 5 years, no kids, no major debt - unless my husband has more monsters under the bed than I know, god forbid!, we both agree and no lawyers).
I wish us both luck!
peace