barb dwyer

We've talked about this before -

but I know there's plenty of journalers' in this group.

This year -
I've had SOOOO many changes
true-deep - very life changing changes ..

that I took today and spent most of it
going through my journal for this year,
and then coming here and reading posts
that I made when I could during
the TORNADO that was 2010.

I wrote in my journal in February -
"I don't know what - but I can feel that something has ...changed."
"I feel different."

Less than four days later -
I found my kids
and we made up.
Or at least started the process.

I was homeless three times this year.
I lost a job.
I was lied to by a landlord who said she was a friend
I was lied to by a soon-to be-boss ...

In June I was living in a house that had no electricity...

it was a dramatice year for me.
The momentum of a lifetime of inner lying and velocity
of self destruction
came to a halt.
And it did it like a clasic train wreck.


And I want to stop right here and thank every single one of you
who stepped forward with a kind word or other support
and told me the deal as you saw it...
I need that I don't havfe words to thank everyone enough
for the honesty

but also that... when I needed you -
you were here.
And most of you were real.
At a time when nothing less would do.

Thank you so very much.

I will always try to do as much for the next person who asks.

So I was talking to my sponsor
and told her what I'd done
and she thought it'd be good for me to post it
here at SR ...
in case anyone wanted to try it.

I am a 'ritualizer'.
Everything ... is a ritual with me.

So :

Today, I had a 'few quiet moments'
(others would call that a meditation)

that declared my intention.

And that was
to review the year
and appreciate all that's occurred
and allow myself
to feel ... pleased.

That's a very big deal

SO ...
*instead* of laying a bunch of crap on the new year
that I know I probably won't do anyhow...
do this better, do that whatever....
I take the year just PASSED ...
and start the new year with a sense of appreciation.

of Self.

IT doesn't have to be this big dramatic thing
like the year I've had
just even going back through posts
and connecting with what was going on in that moment...
because SR kinda keeps a journal FOR us, you know?

then
after reading the entry and connecting with it
take another 'intention ' moment ... and
connect to where we are in THIS moment...
annd letting that be ... good.

HOw we handled it ... was good.
How we moved through it ... was good.
How we now feel the distance from it
or the integration of what was learned...is good.

"How much pleasure will you allow?"

IT's a powerful little excersize.

And on the other side -
of the same coin....

if we do reading
and we see that we're saying the same thing
that we said this time last year...
(which is most often why people don"t do stuff like this
they already know they're in a rut)

then it's time to examine what's not changing
and deciding if it's time to do something about it.

It's amazing how we lie to ourselves
I never got angry at anyone else
for very long anyway
just because there was something I refused to look at.
That's pretending. that's not real.

I'm just not built that way.

So for ME -
I *WANT* to know.
I*WANT * to change what EVER I can
to make this life
worth living to its fullest.

SO it's good to see the times we faltered as well...
or the times we were less than honest ...
and let that be good also
because it's not going to become a teaching...

Otherwise we start the year saying the same thing ...again...

Anyhow -
she said she did it herself this afternoon
and asked me to come on and tell others about it.

Start the new year ...uncluttered.
WIth direction.

Rather than the same old same old.

tHANK YOU AGAIN FOR BEING HERE FOR ME
WHEN i WAS SO VERY DOWN AND UNDER ATTACK.

lillamy

Barb -- smoooooches!!!
I can't take credit for being one of the people who have supported you, because I haven't posted much in the past year, only read. But I am one of the people for whom your posts have made a difference.

Including this one.

I moved recently, and in the move, found my journal from 2003. (I started going to meetings in 2006.) Already in 2003, I write in my journal things like, "my husband is detrimental to the emotional well-being of my children. But how can I leave him? How can I trust that he will be OK without me?"

It sent me into a tailspin. Because I was beating myself up over all the years I wasted.
Instead of doing what you are doing. What I should be doing.
My best friend said to me, "instead of hating yourself for what you didn't do -- celebrate the fact that you have done it. Celebrate that you are no longer in a relationship with a man whose actions are bad for you and your children. Pat yourself on the back for the distance you've come instead of beating yourself up for not doing it faster."

I love your idea of taking stock of and appreciating the year that went by, and how you managed to get through it, rather than setting up expectations for the year to come.

I think I might just spend some time tomorrow doing the same thing.

Thank you!

bookwyrm

Awesome idea. Time to put the stick I've been beating myself with down and look at just how far I've come this year. You are such an inspiration!

catlovermi

Barb,

Totally awesome concept! I have greatly appreciated your threads looking back and felt a lot of recovery power in them, and felt happiness for you and your improved life!

Thank you!

CLMI

wicked

Barb,
today is payday and i must go run some errands.
but, i will think about what you have written, and absorb it.
thank you,
retrolutions is great.
Beth

barb dwyer

I'm glad y'all liked it -

I was apprehensive about posting it in fact...

but my sponsor swoops in
like a seagull onna hot dog
when she thinks
it's something that would help me as well.

I'm off to the grocery
to grab up all my diet food and fruit
and intend to be 'socked in'
for the weekend, really -

it's supposed to be -15° this weekend
and I don't want to 'have' to be anywhere...
just go out every so many hours and start the car.

Thanks you everyone!

vujade

That's so cool, Barb. I have always wanted to journal but have never had the energy. Now that I'm reinvesting my energy in myself, I'm going to celebrate the New Year by going and out and buying a cool journal and a special pen (I'm an office supply junkie...LOL) and schedule time each night to write in it. I can't wait to look back this time next year.

Thanks so much for sharing that!

barb dwyer

THank YOU, SKW!

I *love* the whole 'special journal' idea, too -
it makes it a ritual already.

Just so long as I don't
get into the 'pretty book' trap
and only want to record
the good stuff.

I draw in my journal
I make lists
scribble
write down what is due for what class ...

all kinds of stuff.

Trying to make a nonlinear mind
work in a linear world.

hmm... I like that.

I think we're reading my signature for a while LOL