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Old 12-30-2010, 07:28 PM
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need some information

I'm new to this forum and not sure if I can get the help I need here but I would love to get some advice.
I am in a relationship with a recovering alcoholic of 19yrs. I have been in this relationship for about 2yrs, we are engaged and I'm living in his home with his young son and my 2 children.
I am starting to become very concerned about some behaviors that I'm seeing more and more. The man I'm with can be very loving, very funny and kind and often is all of those things. But more and more I am seeing traits that remind me of people I have know with drinking or drug problems. I thought that someone who didn't drink anymore wouldn't act like an addict anymore but I think maybe that's not so. He is highly irritated at times, he's always right/never wrong, he shuts down immediately when I try to talk to him about his behavior. He is also hypersensitive about a lot of things and very self centered.
I do love this man, he has been through a terrible divorce and custody battle but it was 5yrs ago and I am starting to really question this relationship.
I'm an educated woman and I've been researching alcholism and recovery but I would really like to hear from someone who understands what I'm talking about. I hope to hear from someone soon.
Thank you....
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Old 12-30-2010, 07:36 PM
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Our gut instinct waves red flags for us for self-preservation. It is rare to be wrong.

Welcome to SR! Take a read around and make yourself at home.

There is an incredible wealth of information here. Check out the red flag one, for example.

CLMI
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Old 12-30-2010, 07:38 PM
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Alcoholic or in recovery or stone sober -- if you are having questions and doubts, by all means postpone the wedding!!!!
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Old 12-30-2010, 07:48 PM
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All wedding plans are off. I'm just not sure if I should get he heck out of this house or try to work with him. I went to therapy with him last week and we were supposed to go today but I opted not to. This isn't my problem and I think my nuturing 'teacher' side has made his 'green monster' come out. I'm doing me now and leaving him to his own devices for the moment. I'm so surprised by these behaviors, I can't believe the 180 since I moved in here.
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Old 12-30-2010, 08:04 PM
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Check for empty bottles!

Hi my name is Hailee. Married to AH for 10 years. My husband had a pretty long period of sobriety when I met him (7 or 8 years). I was never told that he had been in rehab several times , had DUI, his first wife left him for the drinkng and took their then 2 yr old son. My AH only recd supervised visitation and was not allowed to drive his own 2 yr old in a car! I found out he was drinking accidentally by finding empty rum bottles all over the house hidden 3 years into our marriage. I wasn't even looking for them, as I suspected nothing. When I called his Dad, that's when they spilled the beans about his alcoholism and said "he cannot drink period." AH said they are exaggerating, he went to rehab three times to shut them up, etc etc. and I believed him. I just threw him out 3 months ago. Finally. but now we have 3 little ones, 7, 5, 15 mos. He was totally drunk when I finished my hospital shift and my 5 yr old was changing the baby's diapers. Totally ridiculous. He has lost his business, his credit, his wife and children and still is self focused and unremorseful for now.

The point of all of this is--take a good look around you. Look for those empty bottles and signs and symptoms of drinking. It may be that your intuition is dead on. Check your house! I am a professional and I consider myself to be intelligent, but he totally snowed me and I always believed everything he said. I was the crazy one just imagining everything. Everything was my fault--I was the source of our arguments as I was unreasonable. He even let me sit in marriage counseling with him and still did not disclose that he was drinking. Just made me look like I am a lunatic or something.

Take a good look around your environment. Be smart. Not like me.

Good luck. I wish you only the best.

Hailee
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Old 12-30-2010, 08:19 PM
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Thank you Hailee. I'm sorry for your situation, that's a lot to deal with and 3 babies. I don't think he's drinking or drugging at all. He regularly attends meetings and all his friends are sober etc. What I'm struggling with is the 'alter' ego that exists behind closed doors. He is a raging jerk at times over nothing. He has had a lot of problems with his family and kids but not with friends but I'm just really starting to wonder if this is who he really is or what. I keep seeing that the tendencies of the addict don't go away with sobriety they just sort of become a 'dry drunk'....that's what I've heard it refered to as anyway... I'm confused
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Old 12-31-2010, 03:30 AM
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Sounds like he needs a therapist before he needs a wife, and do you want to be tied to someone who has you wondering who he is?

Marriage is tough enough in an ideal relationship, but with someone carrying baggage, addictions and some "other persona", it could be a total nightmare for you.

My little legs would be running as fast as possible, away from what looks to me like trouble ahead.
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Old 12-31-2010, 04:15 AM
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"The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them."
— Maya Angelou
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