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my alcoholic husband divorcing me????

Old 12-30-2010, 07:19 PM
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my alcoholic husband divorcing me????

I have been married to someone that i believe is an alcoholic. I told him I don't like his drinking and he started hiding it from me. I stayed even though i saw this. I should have left a long time ago. I picked up and left recently without thinking what the outcome would be. He filed for divorce and then called me to tell me he did. the nerve?? I mean the major problem is his drinking that I told him over and over again and then told his family. All of a sudden this is turned on me and HE is filing for divorce. How do I deal with this? It is painful knowing that the major problem was his drinking and he never talked about it but now he just says "we are just different" . why did he never address that problem that he has. Now i am the one getting dumped? this is how this feels. I don't know why I didn't react accordingly and leave before when I saw this. That way he would be the one coming back to either talk to me or just ignore it? I don't know what he would have done?? But now what he is doing is not communicating with me at all (when we were living together he wouldn't either I felt like and that is why I would get furious and things would come out of my mouth that weren't me). He started hiding everything from me and when I would ask him a simple question like who had called him when his phone rang he would call me sick for asking. He would not open up to me. He never addresses my issue with him either by quitting or by at least saying something to comfort me. What do I do with all these ill feelings? he was supposed to call me today to talk some more and he is not. Yesterday he told me he filed for divorce because I left. How do I feel better about this? It is making me sick. I feel like he won a game or something??
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Old 12-30-2010, 08:37 PM
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I know it seems unpalatable, but he is gifting you.
You expressed many things that you did not like about his behavior.
He is releasing you.
He has opened a door toward more serenity.
Walk through.

Peace to you.
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Old 12-30-2010, 08:43 PM
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Want my initial reaction?

Thank your lucky star or whatever higher power you believe in. Doesn't matter who files, the important things are a) that you don't want to be married to an alcoholic and b) very soon, you won't have to be anymore.

I'm sorry if that sounds really harsh -- but you can't worry too much about what people might think. I have a fairly large extended inlaw family that sees me as The Traitor That Abandoned Their Relative When He Needed Me Most. They're not the ones that had to unclog his sink after he puked in it five nights a week. So I really can't be bothered with their opinion. Really.
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Old 12-30-2010, 09:09 PM
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If he is truly an alcoholic, the man that loved and married you is not divorcing you, the alcoholic he has become is divorcing you to protect his habit. Let him go, tell him you love him and wish him well. He may have filed first, thinking you were going to, thus leaving his pride intact. Maybe he expects you to fall apart or be sorry and desperately cling to him. I dunno, whether he is bluffing or not, remain calm. Tell him you are sad about the choice he has made and that you hope he finds peace while adjusting to his new life, just as you will be doing in yours. If there is hope of salvaging your relationship, it wont be accomplished by going back to the way things were or mind games. This is an opportunity to rebuild in a healthy way whether together or separate. At this present moment though, allow yourself to cry, scream and punch pillows all you need, just not in his presence. Hugs and prayers!
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Old 12-30-2010, 09:11 PM
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hallelua,

well, first of all, WELCOME to sober recovery. i hope you find in this forum the support you need and seek. many, many of us have had similar experiences, and to make sense of it is....well, pretty tough, if not impossible.

please post here as often as you like. it can be very helpful.

as for all the questions and anger toward your husband:

1. you have every right to feel abandoned, and angry.
2. you may never get all the answers , but you gain perspective after some of the dust settles.

my opinion, based on being married to an alcoholic man, is that they simply are not truthful. oh it's not always malicious, or intentional even. but i believe it is a disease rooted in dishonesty. because, you see, if they were able to be fully honest, then they would know, and admit, their problems. whatever discomfort or fear has caused him to leave, and there could be a hundred, probably doesn't even matter.

what does matter, is that you are able to pick up the pieces, and go and create a better life for yourself.
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Old 12-30-2010, 09:30 PM
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thank you for your reply. just one question, he didn't clog sinks yet but he would drink almost everyday and he would drink from the car hiding it from me and fill vodka bottles with water after he finished them....would he do this because he was scared that I wont let him drink or did he have a problem? Maybe he wasn't an alcoholic but I made him into one..made myself believe he was?
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Old 12-30-2010, 09:32 PM
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if he loved me though wouldn't he try to keep me? Maybe I made him sick of me? Maybe I made him into an alcoholic? Sorry but I am going through a phase of "what if's" right now
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Old 12-30-2010, 09:44 PM
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you have a good point that they are dishonest. I believe that I just couldn't trust him to be supportive and there for me. He caught me talking to my mom about him and that I thought it was a mistake to marry him and that my ex-boyfriend was better but this is because he showed signs of alcoholism before we got married and after. i was in denial before marriage. even after. anyhow, when he caught me he must have stopped trusting me too..he said that i should talk to him about problems and not my mom. i admitted my fault and that I shouldn't have done that but i did and couldn't turn back time to change it. But before we got married i told him that i saw him drinking from the car and i was concerned with this being a problem. he told me it was a one time thing and then he did the same thing again-so ok i talked about it with my mom. Do you think that he didn't trust me therefore he made himself fall out of liking me and closed of to me? Or is this all from the original thoughts I had..and i was the one that originally did not trust him? sorry this sounds confusing. i feel guilty for what i did.
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Old 12-30-2010, 09:46 PM
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Nothing is fair with alcoholism ...

My world fell apart when my husband was being treated for liver failure and I was unsure if he would ever leave the hospital - I was scared to death and still didn't know how we got this far. He was detoxing and very ill - so all the questions were directed to me and all the treatment was directed to him. I didn't realize at the time how very sick "i" was. I had perfected my codependency and enabling skills - I was almost perfect

You will never guilt them or manage them - they need to decide on their own when they are "prepared" to work their recovery. I know it didn't play out like you would expect but count your blessings and learn from the experience.

I've found that the many tools I've learned from Alanon apply to ALL aspects of my life. I'm a better wife, friend, daughter, sister, aunt, professional and even stranger! I'm more comfortable being me. I have alot to work on and along way to go but I feel so much better and I handle adversity in a much less destructive manner.

Read . Learn . Listen . Share .

Take Care ....
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Old 12-30-2010, 10:44 PM
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Originally Posted by hallelua View Post
thank you for your reply. just one question, he didn't clog sinks yet but he would drink almost everyday and he would drink from the car hiding it from me and fill vodka bottles with water after he finished them....would he do this because he was scared that I wont let him drink or did he have a problem? Maybe he wasn't an alcoholic but I made him into one..made myself believe he was?
As they say around here:
You didn't cause it.
You can't cure it.
You can't control it.

His problems are his.
Don't take ownership for his junk.

Peace
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Old 12-30-2010, 10:45 PM
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I am sorry you had to go through this. I did some things that he may have thought was immature but i did it because of the lack of attention from him and i didn't trust him. I would joke around and say to him "you don't love me anymore"..funny enough that this wasn't a joke..it was reality that I was subconsciously speaking out. He probably sees me as a child but I was not able to grow in this relationship for whatever reason.
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Old 12-31-2010, 12:57 AM
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Hallelua, I recommend you step back and analyze your relationship you shared with your husband. By what you described it sounds like a lot of things were not being shared between the two of you. Good communication is one of the most important requirements in a successful marriage. Good communication begins with the ability to exchange ideas, facts, feelings, attitudes, and beliefs. Without good communication, anger, tension, and frustration sets in. Politeness, tact, and consideration are required if communication is to be productive. One of the most important human needs is for acceptance and appreciation. Partners need to know that they can accept each other's word, believe in each other, depend on each other to keep promises, and be faithful to commitments that are made. They need to be honest and sincere.

Successful marriage requires a high degree of motivation: the desire to make it work and a willingness to expend personal time and effort. Successful married couples spend sufficient and quality time together. They enjoy each other's company, share common interests and activities, and laugh together. Partners who like, admire, and support each other, are proud of each other, and build each other's self-esteem are fulfilling their emotional needs in a satisfying relationship. One important expectation of most married partners is that they will meet each others need for love and affection. In order to have a successful marriage each partners ideals or expectations are fulfilled. Marital success is more attainable if the commitment is mutual.

However, marriage can never fulfill every need. Most people want some separateness in their togetherness. One of the hardest tasks is to balance commitment with personal autonomy and freedom. Adaptable, flexible people recognize that people differ in the way they think, in their attitudes, values, habits, and ways of doing things. They don't insist that everyone be a carbon copy of themselves. They recognize that life is not static, that people and circumstances change.

In successful marriages, love grows, but changes over the years with fewer components of romanticism and stronger bonds of attachment and affection. Emotional bonding and affective expression are important ingredients of marital success. All couples experience problems and stress. Successful couples are able to solve their problems, manage stress in a creative way, and have a greater tolerance for frustration. Successful marriage depends upon the mutual assumption, sharing, and division of responsibility in the family. Selfishness in marriage lessens each partners willingness to assume responsibility for the relationship. The most successful relationships are based on a spirit of mutual helpfulness. The people who are the most self-centred and self-serving are less likely to feel fulfilled and happy and are less often able to bring happiness to their relationships.

Just my personal opinion. Take what you like and leave the rest.

Love and Peace,

Phoenix
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Old 12-31-2010, 03:22 AM
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If any of us had been powerful enough to "start" our A's drinking in the first place, we would also be powerful enough to stop them drinking.

Anyone here get their A to quit drinking, because YOU wanted them to quit?
Know anyone who did manage to do it?

No, didn't think so.

Trying to work out why an A does whatever, will drive us potty very quickly because drinking does not help their thought processes at all, and ruins the ability to reason.

The smartest move I made with both my late XAH and my RABF, when both were in drinking mode....was to treat their words as gibberish and let it slide past me, til I was ready to walk away and leave them to sort themselves out.

That way I was not dragged into a mental hospital in a straight jacket.
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Old 12-31-2010, 06:10 AM
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HI and welcome.

I couldn't help but respond as my AH filed for D once ago on me. I had hung in there with him while he tried to get sober and stay there. But when I couldn't stand being treated the way I was by him in his alcoholic fog I asked for a real break.

We had tried marriage counseling many times sober and not. This last time the therapist suggested to me that everytime we separated - we didn't really stay apart and that perhaps a real break would help us to move forward in any direction. So one year ago that is what I did. I came here for support as AH didn't think I meant it at first and continued to call or email. When I didn't respond, he threatened D but it didn't happen until nine months later.

I too felt the hurt and wondered why he wasn't fighting for me. He did in the past but nothing changed too much each time. I have learned over the year that he can't help himself so how can he work on our marriage. I don't like it, it hurts but I keep stopping myself to remember that I have the choice to live with him as he is or to wish him better days and let go. Bottom line is that when you see a problem and take a stand - you get the following reactions: a)a positive response, b) a negative response, c) no response.

Focus on taking care of yourself right now and recognize that your husband is not talking, it is the A talking. You standing in the way of his A is not something he can handle right now. It isn't a personal choice against you - it is a driving sick force that is controlling his choices.

BTW, while my AH filed - I discovered that he may have not done it correctly and it most likely will not fly with the courts as is. I have tried to tell him so but he won't listen. I will be contacting a lawyer soon to see what else can be done.
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Old 12-31-2010, 06:36 AM
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Good communication is one of the most important requirements in a successful marriage. Good communication begins with the ability to exchange ideas, facts, feelings, attitudes, and beliefs. Without good communication, anger, tension, and frustration sets in. Politeness, tact, and consideration are required if communication is to be productive. One of the most important human needs is for acceptance and appreciation. Partners need to know that they can accept each other's word, believe in each other, depend on each other to keep promises, and be faithful to commitments that are made. They need to be honest and sincere.

Thank you for this.
Sometimes I still need to tell myself my desires are VALID.
Its crazy how much we doubt OURSELVES!
Even if our SO is lying or hiding or being snotty or non communicative. Still we ask, what is it that I am doing wrong? Maybe if I were just to...then everything would be better.
Sometimes, our life presents us with an opportunity to see what is missing, set a boundary for it and move on.

Hugs to US!
peace
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Old 03-09-2011, 10:36 AM
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thank you for your response. sorry for my late reply as i have been so mind consumed lately with this whole divorce. this is amazing to me that they can do something like this and not be honest with themselves and really try and communicate it and even the divorce-to communicate that. I would never be able to just file without having a complete conversation with the other person. I would have never done what he did. no communication maybe is a characteristic of an alcoholic too? And can you believe that he was a doctor?? That's the part that really gets me. You would think he would be more sympathetic and honest. And definitely drink and hide it they way he did.
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Old 03-09-2011, 10:43 AM
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How much more clarity do you want from him? He decided he no longer wants to be in the marriage, and took the steps to fulfill that choice, and you were notified. That's been communicated pretty darn clearly!

I think it's time for you to focus on the rest of YOUR life and your wellbeing. I wouldn't blame all of his shortcomings on being an alcoholic.. it's possible that he just doesn't want to be married to you anymore, as blunt as that is.

Course, that could have everything to do with him being an alcoholic, you're getting in the way of his drinking himself to death-plans.. be happy you're free from the front row to that circus.
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Old 03-09-2011, 10:50 AM
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It's an overused cliche, but...it is what it is. His reasons don't matter anymore. After three months down the road, it's time to concentrate on you and your future. That's all you have any control over.
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Old 03-09-2011, 11:48 AM
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Welcome. And BRAVO! You've won the lottery. Really. this is a blessing in disguise.

Worry not a bit about it. he showed his true colors. You had the NERVE to question the drinking. this put him on notice. he could have stopped drinking, and problem solved. he CHOSE not to. You had enough, needed some space. Great idea. He showed how he handles things.

If this had not happened, you'd still be there trying to fix him. he'd still be drinking and not caring a bit about you. They only care about themselves.

This is a win. Smile. Be happy. Who knows what the world has in store for you. Your eyes are now open to the ways and means of the alcoholic, and hopefully you won't be fooled again.

enjoy the rest of your life.
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Old 03-11-2011, 10:43 PM
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I've heard it put this way, "when an alcoholic car thief sobers up, you have a sober car thief."

Hallelua, find yourself the nearest Alanon meeting and go there to learn more about yourself, and more about alcoholism. It's not AA. AA is for alcoholics. Alanon is for people who love them.

Take care,

Cyranoak
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