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Dear God, won't you please...

Old 12-30-2010, 12:33 PM
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Dear God, won't you please...

smite him...just a little? Or send a small lightning bolt to destroy his phone so I can't continue texting him when I shouldn't? Pretty please?

My A husband of 5 years is spiraling out of control and is in full-blown i-don't-care-about-anyone-but-me alcoholism mode. He just got his second DUI in a year. The first was reduced to a reckless, and this one will be too, so no real consequences for him other than cash flow problems, which is nothing new for him. I knew this DUI would happen too because he was driving hammered at least three times a week and couldn't even remember driving home--it was only a matter of time. It is a blessing to the general population that no one has been hurt.

Around the same time, I learned that he has been unfaithful again. The first time was years ago, and I thought it was an isolated incident and gave him a chance to make amends. This time, I think he is actually having an affair, although he won't admit to anything other than there being a second incident of unfaithfulness. Will not share details, will not talk about it, and denies it is a continuing relationship. After admitting the incident, he then tried to deny it and said he lied to me about it occurring because he didn't like me hounding him, and then later he admitted it again after we calmed down and got some space. Typically, I can't believe anything he says.

He says he needs help, and that IS true, but I guess he's not willing to get it. When he's sober, he seems anxious to follow-through with getting help, but he doesn't.

He talks about how I deserve better and someone who will be faithful (and I do). He can't make promises to be faithful, he says, because we are like roommates, and there is no sexual attraction. Of course we are like roommates now because he is drunk all of the time and disinterested in participating in any activities other than drinking, so we haven't been spending time together! I feel like he is throwing the detachment thing back in my face and rejecting me for it! And, sorry, but having sex with a stumbling, slurring, reeking drunk does not make a woman feel safe, sexy, and turned on, anyway.

He says he is not sure he wants a divorce--sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn't--he doesn't want to make a hasty decision. He doesn't know what he wants. I think he just wants it all! He wants to live in our nice home (that I pay for), and drink and womanize to his heart's content, with responsible me at home to pick up the pieces and be there for him when he is needy.

I am having trouble just leaving him the heck alone and not hounding him about our marriage. We have gone back and forth with the push and pull so many times over the past month that I think I am addicted to the drama of it and the crumbs of the conversations that make me feel okay...I will tell him to leave, he will convince me we can work through it; he will leave, I will convince him we can work through it. I'm exhausted.

Thankfully, there are no kids involved in this relationship, and I don't need any monetary support from him. How do I just let go and stop obsessing?? It should be easier than this, right?

Do I tell him that if he's not willing to work on the marriage or his issues that he obviously needs to leave and I'll file for divorce? Or has anyone dealt with someone like this, stayed married, and been content? By the way, I do have an appointment to see a counselor, but it is several weeks away!

Thanks for listening!
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Old 12-30-2010, 12:45 PM
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What is it that you truly want? Do you want HIM so much that you're willing to overlook the drunkenness and the cheating, not to mention the financial difficulties that come from someone who continues to drive while drunk?

He says he's not sure he wants a divorce. What do YOU want?
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Old 12-30-2010, 01:23 PM
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Thank you so much for posting and directing me to the right questions, which were hidden by my codependent blinders! I enjoy being married and don't want a divorce, but I don't want to be a mistress to alcohol, and I can't overlook serial cheating. I see a bleak future if I stay. In fact, I wish I had left before now and saved myself the heartache. So, perhaps the better question for me is how do I constructively grieve for this dead relationship and move forward?
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Old 12-30-2010, 01:32 PM
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I would talk to a lawyer or two......A couple talked to me free. Will he get 1/2 of your assets?..In Va. ours was split 50/50 but emotionally I was losing bigtime. Infidelity is a dealbreaker for me.
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Old 12-30-2010, 01:41 PM
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It isn't necessary to go straight to divorce. Perhaps just separating yourself from him would give you the space you need to think things through. It's hard to think clearly while surrounded by the chaos.
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Old 12-30-2010, 01:47 PM
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Well, I am a lawyer. LOL! We can file a no-fault petition if we come to our own property division agreement. Otherwise, I can file on the grounds of adultery and alcoholism, and marital assets will probably be divided between us. Getting half would be great for him since he has nothing!
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Old 12-30-2010, 01:55 PM
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We have been taking some space over the holiday and this week, but I'm still an emotional mess, and we have been texting. Maybe having him move out of our home if he isn't willing to work on things and not contacting him for a while (if I can do it!) would be helpful. My fear is that if he will just move in with the OW, which will not help my emotional state a bit, although it might be good for her to see what she is really getting herself into!
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Old 12-30-2010, 02:01 PM
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It hurts to know that those we love might not love us back. If he would move in with the OW, that would tell you right there that you are trying to hold on to something that isn't real. It's entirely normal to be a mess when a relationship ends, but that isn't any reason to continue with someone who obviously has so little regard for your feelings. Why would you allow yourself to be treated that way?
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Old 12-30-2010, 02:02 PM
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What he wants is to continue what he is doing-mooching off of you while drinking and cheating. More important question: WHAT DO YOU WANT?

It doesn't sound like you want to continue as things are, and it doesn't sound like he has any real intention of quitting. Finding the answer is easy, it's the execution of what is next that is the hard part. I left it September, with my 2 young daughters in tow. It is not perfect, but it IS better.

And yes, go to Alanon. I stopped making excuses and went to my first meeting this week. I highly recommend it!
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Old 12-30-2010, 02:21 PM
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buttercream,

IMO, I hear alot of "he wants" "he thinks" "he feels" . . . what about you???

Try AlAnon. Try thinking about what you want for your life, not how sad you'd be without AH, or how much you love AH, but what to do you really want for your life . . . when you envision a happy, serene future, what does it involve? That's what YOU should work towards. You can't change other people, but you can change yourself.

Goodluck.
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Old 12-30-2010, 02:25 PM
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How do I just let go and stop obsessing??
I ditto the suggestion of separation and distance. It's amazing how the fogs you're enveloped in inside an alcoholic marriage lift once you're not exposed to the constant challenges to your perception of reality.
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Old 12-30-2010, 03:11 PM
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I have been trying to do NC and broke it last week and again today...
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Old 12-30-2010, 04:52 PM
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Welcome to the SR family!

Glad you found us,but sorry about the reason you came looking.

Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.

Some of our stories are posted in the permanent (sticky) posts at the top of the page. I am always finding wisdom from someone else's experience in those posts.

Here is one of my favorites. It contains steps that helped some of us:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
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Old 12-30-2010, 08:11 PM
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Originally Posted by buttercream View Post
Thank you so much for posting and directing me to the right questions, which were hidden by my codependent blinders!

I enjoy being married and don't want a divorce,
Yup, Neither did I.

but I don't want to be a mistress to alcohol,
BINGO!

and I can't overlook serial cheating.
Yeah, that's kind of a big one.


I see a bleak future if I stay. In fact, I wish I had left before now and saved myself the heartache. So, perhaps the better question for me is how do I constructively grieve for this dead relationship and move forward?
Well, I shipped my XAH to rehab, and told him he couldn't come home. Sent him to live with his mom. I spent the next 6 months focusing on me, repairing my home (yay for new floors and a garage door opener), and filed for divorce about 6 months later. It took FOREVER, and it was just final this month. (We mediated, and like you, I had everything and he had nothing. You think it's bad you're a lawyer? I'm a doctor!) Anyway, he gets a chunk of alimony every month and I have sweet freedom. And it's totally worth it.

I look back and think that I should have left years ago. I wouldn't be stuck with alimony, and could have had those years back. And then I remember that I was a resident at the time, had no life, and needed someone to let the dogs out occasionally. So he was actually good for something. A minimal something, but I didn't worry about my dogs peeing in the house when I was away on a 30 hour call day. Anyway...

Get angry. It helped me a lot - not to mention, I got a lot done. Do your research. Not that we'd be advising you to hide money or assets, but, well, you know. Take care of you, and you know how best to do that.

Good luck,
D
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