Pulling A Geographic...

Old 12-30-2010, 11:46 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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Pulling A Geographic...

Hi - I've been lurking on these forums for quite a while. Your histories - as expected - almost mirror my own.

2 days before Thanksgiving, my AH has decided to pull a geographic and "start over" in Florida - his family lives there. He hasn't had fruitful employment in over six months and the unemployment had run out.

We were married 10 years and the last 4 have been miserable for me. I'm but pretty sure he has some type of addictive personality disorder. He went to rehab 4 years ago for cocaine addiction and became sober - from cocaine - but not from anything else - pot and beer have become his constant companions. He was a gifted master carpenter who made employee of the year a few years ago and was well on his way to senior management when he threw it all away over cocaine.

I am heartbroken but day by day, I'm finding myself relieved that I don't have to deal with his "high maintence" personality anymore. For example, making sure he had meat with his meals 3x per day, making sure beer was in the fridge, making sure (insert crazy demand here)...yadda, yadda, yadda.

BUT - I find myself feeling guilty over my personal resentments towads him. When he came back from rehab and was still drinking - I should have put him out but didn't. I just seethed over it and I know resentment had a part in killing our relationship. According to him I should have, "forgive and forget". Well how could I "forgive and forget", when he was still using???

So here I am - feeling both relieved he left and guilty he left. I vowed to myself that I am taking the next year to work on me - I have a strong spirit that I know isn't dead - I'm a wonderful person who deserves better then how I've been treated. Just waiting for my heart to catch up to my head...

Thanks for letting me talk HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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Old 12-30-2010, 11:56 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
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welcome to SR...and I am proud of you to be honest and shared your story..the 1st thing i want to say is this:

the three C's
1. you did not cause this
2. you can not control this
3. you can not cure this...

if anything to help you to the next 24 least you get that!! please write and blog here...we are here dealing with the same issues...ask questions, connect with anyone that is close to your story....I love these people in here...they have helped me out alot with my A/Na in my life...he is gone, and i have my peace, and serenity...

please read my blog of some of the slogans...take it one day at a time because i cant do anything else except for today

are you in AL helps a great deal, and they give you tools to deal....

find your peace my friend...he has left, time to find YOURSELF again and live life to the fulliest!!
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Old 12-30-2010, 12:30 PM
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This is a mirror of what I experienced but mine wasn't into coke. He was a beer/pot addict alcoholic. I have been divorced 3 years and have not yet worked on "my part" in the breakdown of the marriage. I am about ready. I have been putting myself back together through Alanon and SR. I was also going through menapause and getting sober myself so I wasn't fun to be with. We seperated twice and reconciled and and finally split after a couple of years. I did write some amends to him a few years ago. I did try alot.....took him to 3 treatment centers and detoxes. Visited him every week for 6 months in jail for his umteenth DUI, paid his bills, maintained his house, drove him around when he got out....It got to be too much and there were a couple of deal breakers in there. He was doing pills. He lost his very good job because he walked out of treatment. He was progressing deeper and deeper into brain fry. It was a matter of survival for me. I identify with the financial worry. That was another deal breaker. I was not going to watch him waste our money on using and sitting around all day watching me go off to work. I am so grateful to Alanon. I will go forever! I was also an adult child of 2 alcoholics. There is an alanon workbook that I will tackle soon on "my part". It would not matter if I apoligized to him or not. He would not "hear" me. We are no contact and that is the way it should be. I could send him a letter maybe. I would not want a response. I have an alanon and aa sponser. Neither would want me to do it because what he did was far more than what I did. I could do it and burn it. My XAH was secretly filming me getting dressed and that was the deal breaker. He was on saying he was divorced before we were divorced. But for me to move forward I will work on my part. I am glad you are here and hope you go to alanon.
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Old 12-30-2010, 05:37 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
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Problem with geograhicals..everywhere you go there you are..enjoy your newfound peace and definately go to alanon!
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