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Selfishness of an alcoholic

Old 01-02-2011, 10:03 AM
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It sounds like he was selfish drunk or sober. A person can just be an ass, without alcohol being the cause. You should not be with an ass. It is easy to want to believe that the people we love would be really great people if they were sober, but sometimes that just isn't the case. Sometimes people are just asses.
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Old 01-02-2011, 12:46 PM
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My XABF hated when I would sing along to a song in the car - so he'd change the station to an all news talk radio station. He, however, would play HIS favourite music full blast over and over again, while he'd sing along (he has a TERRIBLE singing voice).

Or, my favourite? When he'd put a DVD on and proceed to talk throughout the movie OR tell me what was about to happen. Or he'd go into lecture mode and explain HOW the movie was made, WHERE it was filmed, what the director was thinking when he filmed a scene....blah blah. I enjoyed it the most when he'd simply pass out because he couldn't follow a movie plot... then I could watch in peace.

I was with family yesterday. My brother-in-law made a remark about my sister's smoking habit. When I told him about how my ex used to berate me for smoking, but then would smoke with me, my brother-in-law commented how controlling that was. Funny - I never once thought of it as controlling; I thought it was just my ex wanting me to quit. But now that I think about it, it WAS his way of trying to control...I was too blind/stupid/naive/codependent to see it then.
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Old 01-02-2011, 01:12 PM
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Originally Posted by BumblingAlong View Post
When I told him about how my ex used to berate me for smoking, but then would smoke with me, my brother-in-law commented how controlling that was. Funny - I never once thought of it as controlling; I thought it was just my ex wanting me to quit. But now that I think about it, it WAS his way of trying to control...I was too blind/stupid/naive/codependent to see it then.
This is what XAH did to me - and I did quit! As far as I know he's till puffing away...
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Old 01-02-2011, 05:09 PM
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Originally Posted by BumblingAlong View Post
Or, my favourite? When he'd put a DVD on and proceed to talk throughout the movie OR tell me what was about to happen. Or he'd go into lecture mode and explain HOW the movie was made, WHERE it was filmed, what the director was thinking when he filmed a scene....blah blah. I enjoyed it the most when he'd simply pass out because he couldn't follow a movie plot... then I could watch in peace.
Mine would pop in a movie so we could "watch it together" while eating dinner... Then get upset when I didn't jump up to do the dishes as soon as he was done eating (never mind if I was done or not), insist I go do them, try to "help" by clearing the food I wasn't done eating off of my plate into the garbage, and then ask me what had happened in the movie because he wasn't paying attention and actually get angry at me when I told him I didn't know because I couldn't hear it over the sound of the water running while I washed the dishes.

Then again, whenever a new character is introduced he always asks me who it is, and gets mad when I don't know. (He loves murder mysteries, half the time the new character is the murderer, all dressed up in black with the face never showing so you don't know who murdered the poor dead guy - how am I supposed to know who that is???)
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Old 01-02-2011, 05:23 PM
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Originally Posted by StarCat View Post
Mine would pop in a movie so we could "watch it together" while eating dinner... Then get upset when I didn't jump up to do the dishes as soon as he was done eating (never mind if I was done or not), insist I go do them, try to "help" by clearing the food I wasn't done eating off of my plate into the garbage, and then ask me what had happened in the movie because he wasn't paying attention and actually get angry at me when I told him I didn't know because I couldn't hear it over the sound of the water running while I washed the dishes.

Then again, whenever a new character is introduced he always asks me who it is, and gets mad when I don't know. (He loves murder mysteries, half the time the new character is the murderer, all dressed up in black with the face never showing so you don't know who murdered the poor dead guy - how am I supposed to know who that is???)
Good God. That sounds like a miserable h*ll.
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Old 02-01-2011, 11:18 AM
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OMG all AH's are the same! Last night I got yelled at for surfing websites about Puerto Rico: "Don't look at that! We don't have money for that." "Cut it out!" "Why are you looking at that instead of finding a high-interest savings acct, since you're in charge of that stuff?" "Don't you feel uncomfortable looking at that when you're not working?"
For looking at pictures of beaches when it's 20 degrees outside and snowing. I am so, so over this. It feels better to know I have made my decision to go. And, as he can only "see" what is 2 inches in front of his brain, he doesn't even see it coming.
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Old 02-01-2011, 12:00 PM
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Love is always patient and kind; it is never jealous; love is never boastful or conceited; it is never rude or selfish; it does not take offense, and is not resentful.

Tx
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Old 02-01-2011, 12:18 PM
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Yes, I'm not allowed to have a sore back, neck, etc because HIS back problem is always worse than mine. And my issue is from sitting on my butt all day, according to him. Because you know the dishes, laundry, sweeping, mopping, etc do themselves.

He "made" me go to his favorite restaurant today, he said "I don't care if you don't like it, you're coming because I don't want to go there alone". Then I had to spend the whole 20 miles into town listening to country music turned up WAY too loud, after having spent 2 hours already in the morning listening to Metallica(I frakking HATE Metallica, almost more than I hate country) turned up WAY too loudly. If I ask for it to be turned down I get attitude.
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Old 02-01-2011, 04:26 PM
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Jeez, pix, at least my AH would blast decent music! But he would get so drunk that he would replay the same song over and over at 2am. (I used to like Hotel California, can't even listen to it now) and get pissed when I asked him to turn it down at 2am! How dare I?! Then he'd start yelling about how he's not "allowed" to do anything married to me. "I can't even listen to music!" Oh, and Yuuucccckkkk, I hate Metallica too.
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Old 02-01-2011, 05:20 PM
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Originally Posted by Mightyqueen801 View Post
....by the way, my husband's take on our marital problems was that all would be well if I would just dress up in sexy lingerie and dance for him once in a while.
From the distance of years I can now just LAUGH.
That made me laugh soooo much! If thats all it took eh???
oh hysterical

Thanks I needed that
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Old 02-01-2011, 05:59 PM
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Oh, he does the "same song many times in a row" too, his latest is Dixie Chicks "Not Ready To Make Nice". I USED to like the Dixie Chicks.

I have learned so much since being here, and I'm so relieved to know I'm not alone.
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Old 02-01-2011, 07:57 PM
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My alcoholic BF is super selfish as well. He never lets me watch what I want on tv. I have to sit through hours and hours of the golf channel or espn which he likes. Then i ask him to put on something that I like, he'll turn it on for me then go in the other room and use the computer and I would be there watching my show myself after I sat with him and watched the shows he liked for hours. Ive spent many nights going to bed myself because he stays up late drinking and chewing in the living room. Ive gone to many movies by myself on friday nights as well while he went to the the bar to get wasted. Sucks.
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Old 02-01-2011, 09:42 PM
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Thank you -- that was a very helpful post. The selfishness has baffled me, too, and now that he's sober, it's no different, actually. I guess that's what recovery's for, right?

We were separated and in NC mode when my birthday came around. He had Amazon send me a book on how to become a better wife. I opened it in the stairwell and tossed it in the trash without carrying it inside.

And that's pretty much the story of our relationship. He would chastise me when I watched crappy TV (I watched TV maybe once a month -- but if I did it while he was home, he was complaining that I was watching the wrong stuff). He told me my taste in everything sucked, and was constantly trying to make me different. (He told me it was important for his career that his wife was perfect.)

Compare that to the man I'm dating now, who will notice a post from me on FB at a time 2 hours past my normal bedtime, and text me and say, "are you OK? Do you need to talk?"

It's astonishing to me that I put up with the **** I put up with for so long. Understanding how and why might help me in my recovery process, with the forgiveness part, but I still point to LTD's quote in my sig.
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Old 02-01-2011, 10:13 PM
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It's interesting a thread on selfishness in alcoholism came up today. I have seriously decided my exah is narcisstic.
Yeah, I'm no psychiatrist. But 10 years of him makes me qualified.

I feel bad for him actually. We spoke recently and again, the conversation was all about him, total disregard for my feelings on emotional matters. It sure reminds me why I left him though.

A new man has come into my life --a breath of fresh air. Are relationships really this nice, considerate, and giving emotionally? Yes, they can be.
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Old 02-01-2011, 10:22 PM
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Funny, XAH would accuse me of listening to the same music over and over and over. I'm having a really hard time separating out what may have been alcoholism and what may have been other...

XAH would not let me watch TV in the living room. I couldn't even sit and read in the living room. I bugged him if I watched TV and made him feel stupid if I read. He let me get cable and set up a TV in the bedroom. One by one the places I would sit in the living room would become unavailable. The comfy recliner where I liked to curl up and read: broken when he 'tried to move it'. The leather chair given to us by a friend: given away (even though it never showed up any where at that friend's house). The super large sectional given to us by a friend's parents: covered in XAH's gear that couldn't be moved, with only enough space left for one (him).
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Old 02-02-2011, 01:33 AM
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I haven't been on this site for awhile and was about to post a rant about the selfishness of an alcoholic and then I saw that I've read most of this thread earlier. Wow! How quickly we forget. I was on here on Jan. 4th, "thanking people" for their posts, and then my axbf contacted me about how much he loved me, blah-blah-blah. Me, the eternal optimist, believed him for the millionth time that things would be different...

Fast forward two weeks and my 19 yr old daughter was admitted to the hospital at 25 weeks pregnant with pre-eclampsia. I spoke on the phone everyday with xabf for a few days until one night when he poofed on me. The next morning, he admitted he relapsed for the millionth time. I freaked, crying, and told him how selfish he was to not be there for me in case of an emergency. How he wouldn't even have been able to drive since he couldn't even answer his phone, and maybe he wasn't alone, and what a jerk he was... He responded by asking "How selfish are YOU...to expect me to be there?" WOW....

The next morning my daughter had the baby by C-section and I left a voice mail, giving him one last chance to redeem himself by calling, anything. I didn't hear from him and haven't since. The baby and my daughter are doing well, thank goodness. I am sad and angry, mostly at myself for wasting 3 years of my life on this on-off unstable person.

I guess I'm sharing this story to help me become strong and never get involved with him again. I've always forgiven him for his "issues", and been there to cheerfully support him again and again, and never asked for anything in return. This has been the only time I really looked to him for emotional support. What a huge disappointment. And I'm disappointed in myself for sticking with such a jerk for so long and I'm not sure if I can trust myself to choose relationship-material men at all.
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Old 02-02-2011, 04:54 AM
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Alcoholism is an INCREDIBLY selfish disease.

I am SO THANKFUL that I live alone, because it has only been in the past six months or so (I've been sober almost two and a half years) that I've been finding myself thinking more about what others need than about my own concerns.

Not that I'm unselfish all the time now, but I'd say my level of selfishness is no longer at the pathological level. Progress, not perfection, right?

I think the way I was the first two years would have been terribly trying for a partner. That's partly why I've avoided relationships--I made a vow that until I could be decent relationship material for someone else I was gonna stay away from them. I still don't feel the desire to be in one--still working on my relationships with myself, my few friends and family, and God--but I don't think I would be dangerous to others at this point.
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Old 02-02-2011, 10:39 AM
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I have one experience that haunts me - even today - and by haunt I mean it keeps coming up over and over and over again with my RAH. The idea of "reality". Basically, he thinks there is one objective reality. Ok - I understand that theory - realism - and I understand what it means - the sun rises in the east and sets in the west. Even if I quit believing that, it still remains the same.

However, what I am being told is that "my reality" is not THE objective reality. And surprisingly, that "objective" reality is HIS reality. Yeesh - who can reason with that thinking?

I believe the term for this is "Mental Gymnastics". The shame in it all is that it prevents him from having what he so desperately desires - intimacy, family, security - and yet he can't see the barrier to those things is HIM. Breaks my heart, yet makes me madder than a wet hen when trying to have a conversation about my feelings. It's hard to hear someone else try to define you, your reality, and your feelings.

Thanks LexieCat for the post above. I hope my RAH eventually comes to the same conclusion. It is terribly trying for those of us to have a relationship with someone who can't see or hear us because they are too focused on themselves. Big kudos to you for recognizing this and understanding where the changes need to be made to be good "relationship material". I am doing my own inventory today on what makes me good relationship material and what I need to work on, given the last few years of nuttercoaster rides.
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Old 02-02-2011, 12:16 PM
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i had a similar experience with the tv with my ex he wouldnt let me watch any of my progs on the main tv so he set up a portable in the bedroom for me to watch but whenever i got up to watch it he would either sulk cos ive "left him all alone " or he would come through to the bedroom even though he really "had " to watch the main tv when my programmes where on but suddenly when i moved they werent quite so important then he would inisist i go and watch it on main telly as its not "fair" to me making me watch it on small one but when i did he would then proceed to sulk to i got to stage it was easier to just watch what he wanted and catch mine up when he passed out with the drink rather than the madness that came with accepting his offer to watch big tv or the portable it was never 50 -50 madness isnt it xxxkia
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Old 02-02-2011, 12:22 PM
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It's so weird how all of our A's are so much alike.

Mine had THREE tv's on the wall and I wasn't allowed to watch any of them. He didn't like it if I went to another room to watch a show for myself because he didn't want to be alone. But we always had to watch his shows, usually sports. And if he passed out and woke up to find the channel changed, he would gripe about it. And if I tried to read a book or work on my laptop while he watched his shows or sports, he would pick at me to keep the attention on him.

Talk about a hostage situation.
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