I'm ready to leave my alcoholic wife

Old 12-30-2010, 03:42 AM
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I'm ready to leave my alcoholic wife

Haven't posted much on here, only in times of severe need for support. I'm ready to leave my wife now, I want to go, without a doubt I want to leave and start again. I have given all the support I can, she has taken all the help out there it seems, but we have been going round and round in circles for 5 years now. Sober, drunk, recovering, sober drunk recovering etc times 1 million. Due to redundancy I need to get a new job and most likely it will be at the other end of the country, have an interview coming up. I thought she would be fine, she could come with me in my ideal world in my head. But realistically this is not going to be the case and I don't want to continue my dreadful life with her. She makes me feel so terrible. "You keep all the money off me", "You make me a prisoner" etc.

I just want to know that I'm not the bad one here, all I've ever done is try to get her to see the light.


Thanks
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Old 12-30-2010, 04:40 AM
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Good luck on the interview.

May your future be filled with serenity.
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Old 12-30-2010, 04:44 AM
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redundancy, a new job on the other side of the country sound like ideal oportunities to work on you and let her be an adult responsible for her own choices AND their consequences.

I tried to get someone to see the light for many years, in many ways, it turned me into someone I didn't like very much. I'm so glad I realised it wasn't my job, I am much happier now. Good luck with the interview!
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Old 12-30-2010, 05:45 AM
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You can't show the light to someone who is holding their eyes shut tight.

Maybe you moving without her will be the eye opener she needs.
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Old 12-30-2010, 05:46 AM
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Ferry, for what it's worth, I don't see you as the bad guy, and I doubt that anyone else here will, either.

I'm in a similar situation: AW got drunk and broke her ankle two months ago. While recovering, she hasn't been drinking much... just a bottle of wine here and there that her drinking buddy snuck in to her while I was at work.

The Doctor released her to drive Monday. Where does she go? You guessed it... the liquor store. Last night she was plastered on Peppermint Schnapps. I guess her alcohol addled brain thinks it's not so bad if it smells like candy.

Whenever I confront her about the drinking, she gets defensive and says I'm making a big deal out of nothing. I've given up on the lectures; they don't help. She's disabled due to psychological problems, unable to work, so if/when I get disgusted enough to leave, I'll look like the bad guy to all her family and friends.

Hang in there. You're in a lonely, frightening place. I would imagine that, like me, you've been horrified to watch your wife turn into a person you don't even know any more.

There are people here who will offer great advice, even though I'm too much of a coward to follow it.

Good luck... keep posting.
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Old 12-30-2010, 10:37 AM
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All this worry about what other people will think..it's a collasal waste of time..do you want to be happy or have peop[le think you are a noble long suffering husband (which by the way they probably don't..normies wonder why the hell we stayed so loooong!)This is your life...don't live it for others...
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Old 12-30-2010, 10:51 AM
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Originally Posted by keepinon View Post
All this worry about what other people will think..it's a collasal waste of time..do you want to be happy or have peop[le think you are a noble long suffering husband (which by the way they probably don't..normies wonder why the hell we stayed so loooong!)This is your life...don't live it for others...
Thanks keepinon! Words that I needed to read today!
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Old 12-30-2010, 11:36 AM
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You can't show the light to someone who is holding their eyes shut tight.

Maybe you moving without her will be the eye opener she needs.
Exactly. And people are going to think whateverthe**** they want. Don't ever let that rule your life.
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Old 12-30-2010, 11:50 AM
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TeM - My XAH was also disabled. My X suffers from progressive eye disease, that left him blind.... and fed his addiction. He turned into an isolated man, with no job and no outside interests, living in a rural environment with no transportation. The poor man couldn't even get his own groceries, how could I leave him? Then I realized that he was ALWAYS able to have his stash of beer.... somehow.... cuz I didn't bring it for him.

I'm sure there are many who think I am a heart-less biotch. I can't say that I don't get upset when I think of that.... and how I would like to face them and defend myself. But they are satisfied with half the story, and I don't need to waste my time on them.

My daughter and I are much happier and living full lives. My X is still living in his own little hell and feeling sorry for himself.

Take care of you!
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Old 12-30-2010, 12:00 PM
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You don't say how old you are, but I'm guessing you're still young. My husband and I both drank together for about 20 years, and one day I just stopped. I realized it was madness and destroying me. Three months later, my husband stopped too. Since then, I found out my addiction can take other forms, and I got addicted to injectible opiates for a couple of years, hidden from him. I lied so well it destroyed both of our careers in one fell swoop and we lost everything we owned. Our kids were grown by then, and we split up a brief time (3 months). After years in an invested relationship, we were still in love, fortunately, and he forgave me and we got back together.

Addicts don't always learn their lesson, and I got addicted AGAIN, this time to oxycodone. I am now 16 days clean. I have a chance to rebuild our lives after ten years since the last fall from grace.

I have hurt my husband badly, yet he still loves me.

I don't know if I am making any point here. Maybe what I am trying to say is that you have to find it in yourself whether the love you have for this woman is strong enough to withstand the destruction she is wreaking on your lives. Is it possible that you know only PART of what she is doing? She is destroying herself, and there is something in her that does not WANT to recover. Until she finds that, she's in deep trouble.

I would suggest counseling with both of you with a good addiction counselor. Join something like Al-Anon, and share stories with similar people. I have found, as I heal once again, that hearing others stories helps me understand what I did to myself and my husband. I am truly lucky he is still with me.
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Old 12-30-2010, 12:04 PM
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Originally Posted by keepinon View Post
All this worry about what other people will think..it's a collasal waste of time..do you want to be happy or have people think you are a noble long suffering husband (which by the way they probably don't..normies wonder why the hell we stayed so loooong!)This is your life...don't live it for others...
I so totally agree with this....you have no idea how much i needed to hear/see this today....
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Old 12-30-2010, 12:22 PM
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Wishing you the best on your interview.

You have stood by your wife for years. For better, for worse, whether it helped, or hurt, when you were right, when you were wrong, when she was right, and when she was wrong. You were there during all that. You have done all you could.

You say you have come to the end of the line in this relationship. Give yourself permission to go. Real permission, in your heart. We all, everyone of us, have permission to follow our own truths. This is your history and you can honor that. It is not erased by any other person, action, or promise. This is your life, and you can cherish and honor that. You must because no one else can.

My xah and were both walking the paths of our lives. For awhile they met and we walked together. I see it now that his path started to veer off into a terrible and frightening place, darkened by alcoholism. I tried to drag him along with me on my path with all the controlling and manipulation *I* did, I left my path for awhile and walked on his to try and save him. It doesn't work. We are only true to ourselves when we stay on our own path. He is still in a terrible and frightening place and even though that breaks my heart I have really and truly accepted that I can't make that any different. The catch 22 is that I did not really and truly accept that until I was away and got some clarity over the situation. I left him because I felt I must or completely unravel but it hurt so bad because I didn't really get it.

Not sure if that share was at all helpful but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone and there are those of us (mostly on SR - not so many in real life in my experience) who really do get it. We believe in YOU. It is kind of a cruel twist that when we need strength the most is when we feel the weakest but the strength is there. It is deep within all of us.
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Old 12-30-2010, 12:33 PM
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I had a chance, about a year ago, to get out of my relationship.

I didn't take it.

I was too worried about what people would think, what they all would say. I just wanted it to all go away. Pretend it had never happen. That way no-one would talk.

At the time my sister said - this is your chance to get away from everything that was wrong - his money problems, his family, his lack of commitment.


I wish now I had. I wish I had not worried what others would have thought.

Take this chance. Don't waste it. I think it's a sign - that it's okay for you to go.

xx
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Old 12-30-2010, 04:09 PM
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Hi Ferry,

I'm bet not the only one that wished they had taken this tough choice earlier one, before kids came along and, much as we love them, complicated the whole thing.

Hindsight is 20/20 of course.

I'm new here but I expect it gets harder the longer you leave it.

I suspect the only person who will think you are bad is the A.
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Old 12-30-2010, 04:36 PM
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You have every right to be happy. In fact, your happiness is your responsibility.

Good luck!
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Old 12-30-2010, 07:28 PM
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Ferry,

You've received so much good advice all I can offer is my support.

You'll be in my thoughts. You are not alone.
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Old 12-30-2010, 08:35 PM
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I have separated from my AH and am moving toward divorce.
I still have a voice that says, "if you could just...
be more understanding
trust him more
give him a chance
fulfill your marriage vows
and on and on
then you both could be happy.

But here's the thing.
I can't.
Now I am not saying whether I (and he) would be better off if I could just...
I am saying that the discussion is irrelevant. I can't.
All I can do is honor where I am and where I am is I can't hang with him as is.
So, that, somehow, gives me permission. Not to know that I am doing the best thing (which we so desperately want to do), but that I am doing all I can do and that is okay.

Hugs,
peace
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Old 12-30-2010, 10:00 PM
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Follow your instinct - your gut. I get in more trouble when I second guess myself. From what you shared, it seems you know what you want ...

I have a friend going through a divorce with her AH who has not drank for years ... the drinking years were too damaging for both of them ... it is a family illness.

Wishing you comfort and support during this very challenging time - Take care of yourself ...
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Old 01-01-2011, 10:58 PM
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I have not posted much here either but I am also about ready to leave my AW. After 24 years of marriage it's hard to do because I have a pretty good idea whats going to happen to her. But the stress has just worn on me for far too long. It's gonna be really expensive but hopefully it's worth it.
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