wicked

Thank you too, FSquared.
I want an ACA sponsor too.

I dont want to drink, I want to know what grown ups do.
How to handle grown up problems, like when I feel someone is drifting away,
and not telling me.
Ahhhhh, abandonment!!!

Beth

time to go eat cake.
doesnt solve anything but it tastes good.

barb dwyer

There's a big difference between feeling like we should do the steps
and wanting to do the steps.

I made a committment to myself
when I entered recovery
that I was going to do what was required
no matter what
to make this thing a life worth living.

One of the things
I committed to do
was to finish the twelve steps
by the end of the first year.

Because I've seen more people
go back out
over fear of the thrid
and mostly the fourth
step.

That fourth step
in any program
is what distinguishes
the do=ers
from the watchers.

I haven't done the 12 steps of Alanon.

I kinda agree that it's too much like 'crossing medicine'
cros-talking one program and another ...

but there's many ways to ceparate them
and still do both.

ps-

One of my 'step' sponsors in early recovery
came to AA
because there wasn't a Gamblers anonymous
in this town.

After two years...
of listening in meetings
and going home to secretly apply
what she'd heard
to her gambling addiction
she realized that
she belonged in AA.

I can't tell her story as well as she does
but it's speaker tape quality.

We apply those steps
TO ANYTHING ...

we're going to learn something.

MissFixit

Hey FSquared,

I live in Charleston too and have found al anon groups here to have few recovered members.

Don't know what to say other than, in other cities there have been more recovered folks at meetings. But, I have only tried 3 groups here.

PM me if you want to talk.

FSquared

I picked up a white chip last night. I called some AAs, reached out, talked, and considered my situation. I decided that, along with other things, I have been very good about living in the shadow of other's chaos, particularly my significant other's addiction, and used it as a convenient excuse and cover to maintain a hidden drinking problem. If I had any doubts, those were blown away when I "cleaned" the house with her help of all the hidden stuff I'd been drinking/using. I guess it took clearing the excuses out of the way to blast my own issues out into the open.

I'm a little panicked. Thank goodness I have my Al Anon experience to have helped me immediately reach out for a sponsor, whom I will call today.

naive

keep talking. we are listening, fsquared.

FSquared

I guess it is about surrender, Naive. I guess I'm realizing that I will use whatever I can to cover up my basic discomfort in my own skin. Other people's chaos works quite well and gives me something to "fix". Well...now I know enough that it isn't my job to fix others, and the ones closest to me are getting their own fix going on. Which leaves me to myself...and I still don't want to deal with that, so...hey...alcohol works pretty well to escape from that responsibility. Too well. And wow...there are other substances that work even better than alcohol, when I can manage to get my hands on them. And if that fails, or I can't get my hands on them, I can just spend my bank account and credit rating into oblivion. And no one is really the wiser, because I'm "doing so well".

So tonight I'm just left with the past jumbled up with alcoholism, lies, fear, paralyzation, self-loathing, guilt, etc...and myself, with the only thing to do being the next right thing.

wicked

Wow,
amazing FSquared.
i have felt that way too. geez.
what do you think the next right thing is?

Floss

FSquared, you're sounding more and more like an Adult Child. I know your grandfather had the dis-ease but the isms do get passed down. I know exactly what you mean about getting the 'fix' from other people's chaos. This serves to prevent us from looking at our own stuff, including our own depression. Sounds like you're starting to acknowledge not feeling comfortable in your own skin too. It's no accident you started questioning your own use of substances and things.

The HP works in mysterious ways. This is the way I found myself into an AA meeting. I felt like I was going 'crazy'. I knew I needed a meeting. The Al-Anon meeting I go to in my area is only on once a week and I'd missed it. I decided to go to AA instead. I went, I listened and I identified. Then I became confused. Why was I identifying? It didn't make sense! Then I started to ask myself some questions. Sounds like there's something useful for you at AA. Good on you for recognising it.

A couple more things the old timer/s said to me. "If you didn't have a problem with alcohol, why do you feel the need to hide it when you drink". "If you didn't have kids, do you think you'd drink more?" "It could be you're a dry drunk", "Have you ever had a drink to settle the nerves?" "Have you been somewhere, told yourself you're going to have one or two drinks and then kept drinking?".

Alcohol is a symptom of a greater spiritual malady. Remove the alcohol and the malady remains. You can have the 'isms' without the drink.

All the best FS in these revealing times...You're doing great!

NYCDoglvr

I don't know if this helps ... I define myself as an alcoholic because I can't have one drink. I can't stop, even when I want to or believe I will. It's not how often we drink, it's what happens when we drink.

naive

hi fsquared-

i do relate...at a certain point, there is nowhere left to run and then we must sit and face what we were running from..to just sit with the uncomfortable feelings and face them...it takes some courage...in my experience, if i soldier on and simply sit with it, one day, i wake up and it is gone and i am free of it.

for myself, sincere repentence to HP for my wrongdoings also goes a long way to relieving myself of the burden of poor choices in my past. what more can i do other than to repent and go forward from where i stand, to not repeat the same.

and of course, service to others is healing and gets my eyes off of myself. and it makes me feel good, i mean really good, not in a false good from alcohol or substances, but good in my soul.

FSquared

Thanks, Naive. Those are the same things I see in my wife, and the others I've met, and even felt when I've had the brief opportunities to help others in Al Anon.

I woke up this morning to these thoughts. I see now why true surrender and serenity remained elusive in my Al Anon recovery. I tried, and I'm pretty committed to staying on that path. It works when I work it. And it is great when it works. But I'm seeing now that I have other things...alcohol...substance(s)...shopping...that I can't let go of and that get in the way of my recovery, that get in the way of being honest with myself, let alone others. These are things I'm ashamed of and have built up a lot of denial that lets me do them and delude myself that I've got control, that I'm the sane one, that I'm the "straight" one, and have it together. I don't. And I'm not going to get it together until these problems are addressed.

I find myself in a strange situation discussing these other things here, in a Friends and Family thread. I'm not good enough to sort between what is going on right now. I know there are other friends and family of alcoholics who have found their own demons, though, and I'm interested in hearing their ES & H.

naive

in my experience, the basic idea of recovery is to remove the substances/vices/addictions (desires) and then get ready for the emotional onslaught of all the repressed emotional garbage we've accumulated in a lifetime to surface, with HP's help.

buddha said the root of all suffering is desire.

and yes, all the sense-ational crutches we use to avoid emotional pain will be come to the surface, to be dealt with. you have done a very good job identifying your addictions, so you understand the next right step.

true surrender to our higher power is faith that if we do the next right thing, we will be assisted along our path. unfortunately, the next right thing is often times difficult to "give up" beit shopping, an alcoholic, processed food, cigerettes, drugs, etc.

i personally believe that true recovery is a gift of Grace and nothing less will accomplish a full healing and rebirth.

i found the pathwork lectures helpful in clearing my emotional body. you can read them here:
International Pathwork Foundation :: The Lectures - Obtaining Pathwork Lectures

i also find the liferegenerator on youtube an inspiration in my current goal to get off of all processed foods, meat, nicotine, caffeine, sugar and refined grains. he teaches how to eat raw food. i find that emotional work requires a light, pure diet of living food, lots of fresh air, yoga, exercise, solitude, sunshine, prayer, meditation and clean living water.