AH takes first real step towards sobriety, but I still want to leave
 

I'll try to keep the backstory short: I've been unhappy with my H for much of our 12 years of marriage. He has always drank more than he should, and in the last several years, it was daily. He has evolved into a mean drunk, which he never used to be. When sober, he is caring and kind and considerate, and then when he drinks he gets mouthy and obnoxious, though never physically abusive. We have two daughters, 2 and 5. In the last 14 months, I have told him I was leaving him twice, and stayed both times because I couldn't bear to see what he was doing to the children--dragging them into it, telling our 5-year-old that Mommy was breaking up the family, etc. So, I stayed, waiting for the right time. We have been in counseling for a couple months, and I agreed to give it 3-9 months to see if things get better. I have told him more than once that I am not in love with him, and in particular that I could not live with his out of control drinking.
He has tried 3 times to cut back on his drinking to something reasonable, and three times he has ended up hiding alcohol and lying about whether he was drinking. Most recently, about a week ago, he took 2 Xanax and drank a case of beer and was just horrible to me, telling me I'm a bad wife and a bad mother. It was the day before Christmas Eve, and two days before his birthday. I decided that I would lay low until after the holidays so our girls could have a good Christmas and our houseguests could have a normal environment to stay in.
He apologized immediately for that night and said it "wasn't him", that the pills made him crazy. He didn't remember much of what happened, and when I told him, he cried and said he didn't mean any of those things. He hasn't drank anything since, and he went to his first AA meeting last night and came home sounding more clear than he ever has. He admitted for the first time that he was an alcoholic, and is committed to complete sobriety. I believe that he means it.
The thing is, I stopped loving him years ago, and still want to leave him. I do want him to get sober for his sake and our girls', but I don't want to go down that road with him. I told him last night that I was moving into the guest room, and he begged and pleaded and cried and said he needs me to help him through this. He apologized for all the bad years and said he wants to make it up to me. He said alcohol is out of his life--he "gets it" now and he can be the man I need him to be.
I've been waiting for more than a year for him to understand that I have "right" to leave him and for him to let me go. I thought after what happened Thursday he would finally get that there are no more One Last Chances that I'm willing to give him, but he still doesn't. He thinks that because he's in AA now that our problems are solved.
Has anyone else been here? In some ways, I feel like a cad--like I'm kicking him when he's at Rock Bottom. On the other hand, I set a limit, I communicated it to him, and he broke it, so I believe I have a right to leave him.

You ALWAYS have a right to leave, whether he understands that or not. A few days, weeks, or months of good doesn't erase 12 years of bad. Sometimes, it's just too late. He's a grown man and is perfectly able to take care of himself. He doesn't need you there to hold his hand if he truly is serious about living a sober life. You deserve some peace and serenity in your own life and your children do, too. Don't allow him to make you feel guilty about something that you have no reason to feel guilty about.

Your story is similar to mine, my exah never did get sober (though he did a lot of what yours is doing now).

He will never "get" that you have a right to leave him so don't wait around for that to happen. I have been divorced for nearly 3 years and he still does not "get it".

He is going to say all kinds of terrible things to the kids, he does not want to lose his enabler.

It's ok to leave.

You know what? Whether you are there or not, you cannot "help" him with his recovery.

You have to do what is right for YOU and your girls and he will recover if that what he is determined to do.

You have a right to recovery as well!

Maybe when you are both recovered you can get back together and lead a happy and healthy life. Right now you both have a LOT of work to do.

Best of luck to you! We're here for you! (((Hugs)))

Thanks to you all. I needed a reality check, and I knew I could find one here. I hope some day to be on the other side, and offer help and support for people like me who feel sooooo stuck.

If you are waiting for him to give you permission to leave, to be happy about it or understand, you will probably be there seething with resentment until your old age. You have to give you permission, it's your life.

Any break doesn't have to be permanent if you both want to try again later, after he has demonstrated continuing efforts, and if you feel differently towards him. I understand the feeling that the ship has sailed, that you are done, and his efforts seeming too little too late. Whichever decision you make, as long as it isn't guilt based, will be the right one.

That is basically my story. My daughters are 2 and 6. I left in September. He can't keep a job or a place to live, so he is on my door step regularly. Am I glad I left? YES! It was the best thing I ever did. My A is a mean drunk also, but not physically abusive. All love for him was lost years ago, and I thought I could stick it out for the kids. As it turns out, the kids shouldn't have to stick it out. Funny thing, my 6 year old didn't even question why daddy wasn't coming with to the new house. She already knew. Staying around will probably do more harm than good. In many ways I still feel stuck. But I am in a much better place for having taken that step. Good luck to you.

One more thing......if you read my thread "now he won't leave" My XAH said and still says horrible things to the kids. IT IS NOT OKAY! Most recently he told my 6 year old that mommy was kicking him out (uhhhhhh, my house, not yours. that's why I left) and he didn't have any place to go or any money and he would probably freeze to death. My daughter tried to give him her piggy bank. It is heartbreaking and it won't be easy. But we are here for you, and it IS OKAY TO GO AND YOU SHOULD NOT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT.
M

Yeah, and we can imagine jack-slaps. good god when they emotionally blackmail little kids it makes my blood boil. Okay, maybe that is one of my issues, but it does infuriate me. I am your parent, save me!
<shudder>
despicable conduct.
yeah, i got judgment all over the place about this.


Beth

I'm going to permanently embed the term "jack-slap" in my vocabulary now!

I was in a very similar situation. After 13 years, I uncovered a mass of deciet and invited my AH to leave. He immediately responded with AA meetings, counseling, abstinence and the "But I NEED your support to do this." Well...he had my support for years and it didn't make a hill-of-beans-difference. If he can't do it on his own, then he can't do it at all anyway. (BTW - my AH stopped all of the above when, after three months, I finally got him to understand that there was no marriage to go back to and his reason was "Well, why bother now?")

My thought: if you want to leave, you should leave. It is not his decision and you don't need his permission. When I finally ended my marriage, I repeatedly told my AH that he had to let me go when he would cry and guilt me. Then I realized that I was talking crazy. He doesn't HAVE to let me go...I had to let MYSELF go. And I did. Viola!

I do have to say that I still feel some guilt when it comes to my babies. My oldest told me last night that he told his Daddy that maybe he could move back home on July 1st. UGH...shot to the heart. But as far as me...I feel peaceful and grounded for the first time in YEARS. And all I had to do was give myself permission. Sounds so easy, doesn't it? LOL!! Oh, if only...

I can just say from my life experiences of me and those I know, not neccissarily even involving alcohol..many times one person (often the woman) has cried, begged, pleaded, told the partner over and over they can't live like this, take it anymore, etc..they tell partner they are leaving..partner is SHOCKED..why didn't you say anything..I didn't know,etc...1st partner is DONE feelings are dead, they are exhausted and over it..2nd partner is just now starting to understand that there is a REAL problem.
It's ok to be done, even if he now does every single thing you ever dreamed...sometimes it is just too late

I think people (addicts or not) on some level are very simple: We don't read words as actions. I had told AH that I would leave if he didn't get help with his drinking. It took me four years to actually leave. And he was in complete shock: He never thought I would actually do it.

I heard all of those same things your AH is telling you (and the kids), but I heard them after I left. It's my fault if he starts drinking again because the recovery success is immensely better for people who have family support during recovery; the children need counseling not because they have lived with an abusive alcoholic father their entire lives but because I caused this terrible trauma by breaking up the family, he gets it now and he deserves a second chance.

Basically, what they say is "you haven't been a good enough wife to me or I would have seen the light earlier, but now that I have seen the light, I am in my immense goodness going to give you a second chance at being a better wife to me." Which just proves that they haven't really seen the light. In my book.

You have the right to leave and walk away. Always. Marriage is a contract, it's not slavery. Or at least, it shouldn't be.

I am in a similar situation, down to a toddler at home. My husband isn't quite such a pill when drunk, but this last time, I thought he was going to come at me for a second. Good thing he was drunk and not moving or thinking fast.

My husband just tonight was telling me he needed my 'support' like I can't be upset because HE'S the one suffering. Wow. What a load of poop.

Your husband has to realize that he may be too late. That's his loss.

But everything can spin on a dime and if he continues to change for the better, that might change things all around, so don't do anything other than what you need right now and continue with therapy until your next step becomes clear.

At least that is how I'm approaching it. Not projecting too far into the future, just taking it moment by moment and leaving all doors open to all possibilities.

V

Funny, I had a similar response to a post back in October, and I feel a song coming on again.

BTW this gal is, in my mind, a composite of all the strong, beautiful, courageous, no-nonsense women, that I've had the pleasure of "knowing" here on SR.

Hum, WWJDMD? YouTube - Jo Dee Messina - My give a damn's busted

Ha! God I love that video!

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

I like the song from Nemo: "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, that's what we do we keep on swimming."

Feel good that you've reached your final straw. Didn't you always know you would know when you have had enough? It sounds like you are there. You AH is quacking. Trust me, if he's anything like the majority, there is a slip up in his not-too-distant future and it's all your fault (according to him).

I so applaud you for knowing you are done. Get on with it and just keep swimming. I hope I am close behind.

Yep, I second Jen's post. Don't wait for him to be happy for you to leave. XAH was mad that his rent and truck bill payor, one-who-kept-the-cable-on left. Even after he moved in with a new enabler GF, he was astounded and POd when I filed for divorce.

Take care of yourself and your kids. It's more than OK to do that.

One week ago it was horrible.......

Right....

So he's been to ONE AA meeting, and now all those years of being a d*ck are over. Ya. I have a big orange bridge in San Francisco I will sell you for cheap. Just transfer the money to my PayPal account......;)

You have every right to be done. You have every right to decide when it's ENOUGH. Just because he didn't pay attention to the signs pointing in this direction doesn't mean a thing. If you are done, you are done.

L

P.S. Coyote, I love that song, too. By the time I left my AH and he all-of-a-sudden wanted to "get better," my Give A Damn was definitely busted.

Mine is convinced that as soon as he's done with this program everything will be all better and he won't drink anymore and he can move himself right back in with me and ignore that the problem ever happened.

Meanwhile, if he wants to continue this relationship, he has to start over from the very beginning again, because I have to fall in love again. I am tired of being the live-in-maid / punching bag. I need a relationship with someone who is interested in me being happy, not in me doing everything for him because of his "failing health".

Wife to husband as smoke fills the house: "Honey, the house is on fire. We need to get out of here."

Husband: "No it's not on fire, let's just open a window."

Wife to husband as she's taking the kids out the door: "Come on! Let's go before we die in here!"

Husband to wife: "You're overreacting as usual."

Husband to wife as flames shoot up his leg and burn his skin: "I'm burning! Why didn't you tell me there was a fire? Wait, don't leave me, stay here and let's all burn to death!"

:welcome Michelle70, you wrote "He has always drank more than he should, and in the last several years, it was daily. He has evolved into a mean drunk, which he never used to be". I can understand that the love you felt for your husband in the beginning of your marriage can die :mog by your husband's first love of alcohol. Your love for him was actually suffocated to death by his life's first priority of alcohol.

"When sober, he is caring and kind and considerate, and then when he drinks he gets mouthy and obnoxious, though never physically abusive." Your AH sounds like my dry drunk husband. My DDH believes he can be as mean as possible whenever he wants and for as long as he wants, and then he decides to be more pleasant, easy-going and agreeable. He is like a chameleon......constantly changing colors! I am expected to be able to adjust my personality to correspond with his changes. Somehow I am expected to forget he just had a two week long two-year old's temper tamper! I just don't run on hot and cold!

I'm in the process of leaving a forty year old marriage with an alcoholic. Sometimes he has stopped drinking and other times he has had relapses. However, his obnoxious alcoholic behaviors have always been present, from irritating to plain out aggravating. I don't have guilt or regrets for leaving.....I have guilt and resentments for NOT leaving much sooner!

Love and Peace,
:VGRearth:
Phoenix