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AH takes first real step towards sobriety, but I still want to leave

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AH takes first real step towards sobriety, but I still want to leave

Old 12-30-2010, 05:20 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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I know exactly how you feel. I don't feel any love for my husband anymore, and want desperately to leave. My husband has cirrhosis of the liver and all of the complications that go with it so I feel like I have to stay. He still drinks daily and has all the wonderful personality traits drunks do. Not only do we deal with the drinking, we deal with the fact that he is dying and we get to watch it slowly happen because of the drinking. I'm sorry for you and sorry for me too.
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Old 12-30-2010, 05:57 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Phoenixthebird View Post
Michelle70, you wrote "He has always drank more than he should, and in the last several years, it was daily. He has evolved into a mean drunk, which he never used to be". I can understand that the love you felt for your husband in the beginning of your marriage can die :mog by your husband's first love of alcohol. Your love for him was actually suffocated to death by his life's first priority of alcohol.
I feel the same way, on both counts.
It is something I am struggling with, and you have no idea how much it helps to see someone else write down the same feelings.
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Old 12-30-2010, 06:06 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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I struggled with heaping helpings of guilt when I decided to leave. My head knew it was the right thing to do, and had been telling me so for quite awhile. My heart wanted to believe his pleadings and promises of all the changes he would make and how sorry he was. It was a daily struggle as to which I would listen to.

Ultimately, I came to realize that even if he did make the changes and get help, it wouldn't erase the pain of the past. I wasn't going to be able to magically quit walking on egg shells, or quit waiting for the next slip up or out-of-control event. I could forgive, but I wasn't sure I could forget. I told myself it was the relationship that was toxic and broken, not either of us. The relationship had run its course and wasn't ever going to be what I wanted it to be. (by the way, I highly recommend looking up "its called a break up because it's broken." good book, websites etc)

He needed to make changes, get help, get healthier in order to live a better life. It was his choice to do that or not.

The same was true for me and my life. I realized that MY life and choices was the one I could control. Regardless of what he chose to do, I had to go. With my first marriage, I didn't have a program. I just left and thought I would be OK after that. Without recovery or working on my own issues, I found myself right back in a relationship and then marriage to another A - this one bigger and badder than the first. I struggled for over 10 yrs before I left that one.... and by then, thank GOD I had found Al Anon. This time around I put myself on a path of healing and recovery.

And today my life is full and rich, my children have good lives and a healthy mom.

My 1st ex, the father of my children? He got better and has a good life today. We are comfortable parent partners but very different people with different lifestyles. My kids often laugh and say they cannot believe that he and I were ever married.

My 2nd ex? the passionate and violent one? He still struggles today, 10 yrs after our divorce. Leaving him was the single best thing I ever did for myself and my sons. Truly.
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Old 12-30-2010, 09:16 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Hugs Michelle70. It's hard to know what to do. I did not leave when AH decided to get sober.....and it's still hard. Ah is in a spot where he really thinks that just by being sober for the past few months that he's made good on the past few years. If you're done and you know it, don't waste the next X number of months/years waiting to see if it gets better or your feelings change.
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Old 12-31-2010, 08:58 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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A big Thank You to everyone who has posted. We started up again this morning--him telling me I "have to" give him another chance and me telling him there are no more chances. I told him I wanted to separate, and when he asked me why, I told him there's no point in talking about it. I had given him all my reasons already and they weren't good enough for him. But, I had figured out that they'd never be good enough for him, and that doesn't matter. They're enough for me.
He threw everything but the kitchen sink at me--"Your parents are divorced--remember how much that hurt you?"; "Alcohol is out of the picture now, the roller coaster ride is over"; "We owe it to those two kids in there to try again"...
He continues to be in deep denial, and says things like, "It's okay. I have enough faith in us for both of us. I'm strong--I can wait." He alternates between anger, tears, apologies and pretending that nothing is happening at all. But, I have moved into the guest room for now, and as soon as we close on the house we're selling (Jan 28, God willing), I can take the next step. Coming here and reading all your encouraging words has helped shore up my confidence.
I know there's no magic solution, and any path is going to be difficult, but I know I can come here again and again for reassurance and support, and that means the world to me. Thank you, thank you, thank you! :o)
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Old 12-31-2010, 09:15 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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He'll be pulling out all the stops in the meantime. He'll try to wear you down, make you feel guilty, and anything else he can think of to convince you to stay. If you're sure it's too late, then be ready for all he's going to say and do. He'll probably be on his best behavior to try to convince you that things will be different. You know the drill. Sometimes, it's. just. too. late.
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Old 12-31-2010, 01:22 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Michelle70 View Post
I had given him all my reasons already and they weren't good enough for him. But, I had figured out that they'd never be good enough for him, and that doesn't matter. They're enough for me.
This bit too me ages to get. I thought I had to justify it somehow. You're amazing!
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