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The girlfriend of an alcoholic mother's son - HELP!

Old 12-29-2010, 10:00 AM
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The girlfriend of an alcoholic mother's son - HELP!

So her story isn't much different than most - she blames everyone but herself for her problems, she refuses to take any responsibility for past goings on, or her current unemployed situation. She lies about everything, and when caught she continues to lie, even when the evidence is presented to her in person.

I'm 25, and am in a happy and committed relationship with the greatest man I've ever known - which is surprising to me, considering how incredibly screwed up his mother has been for nearly his entire life.

On Christmas, I talked her out of the middle of the street in traffic, which is something all the family members failed at. She refuses to admit she's an alcoholic, she doesn't even believe alcoholism exists, and she says she killed her mother (her mom died of BRAIN CANCER), and all these other excuses. She refuses to go to rehab, she refuses to go to AA because "they push Jesus on you" (which I know to be a lie, since I have been to AA meetings with alcoholic friends), yet she brags about watching preachers on TV.

My bf spent 5 hours on the phone with her last night, arguing about her drinking, lying, cheating on her husband of 27 years, being caught sexting (and here I thought 46 year olds didn't act like teenagers), soliciting sex, and hiding bottles of liquor even when she's "sober". I said very little to him while he was on the phone, and nothing to her. He came to bed angry and exhausted, using words to describe her that I've never before heard him utter. Needless to say - he feels INCREDIBLY betrayed and angry - for which he is going to start attending Al-anon tonight.

With that background - I'll get to my question.

I want to talk to her. Not yell at her. I've written several text messages/emails but I've never sent them. Some were angry, some were filled with facts and websites to non-religious 12 step and non-12 step programs, and others were just filled with pleas to seek treatment and stop torturing her two beautiful adult children.

What should I do? Seeing he and his sister be abused, yelled at, and taken for granted is making me upset. And I'm even more upset at how HER behavior is influencing MY home.
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Old 12-29-2010, 10:17 AM
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Welcome to SR.

What should you do....

Go to al-anon with your boyfriend. I have no idea if you should find your own group or go with him to his but al-anon is for you. Maybe others with more knowledge and experience will weigh in on that.

There are no magic words you can send her that will change her behavior. There was a day that I would have stood in that street just like you but I have to say that today I'd trust that her feet can find the sidewalk all on their own. I'm not willing to stand out in the cold and spin my wheels feeding the drama machine any longer. If every single person would have went in the house or drove off how long do you think she'd have stood in the street?

Your boyfriend is the adult child of an alcoholic. That is part of the package. He's on the right track if he is going to al-anon. You are on the right track by looking for answers and help. I believe you'll find them in al-anon and here on SR.

The stickies at the top are really good if you have time to read them.
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Old 12-29-2010, 11:31 AM
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Stop. Stop now. Go to Al-Anon, find out why you feel the need to involve yourself in this, and get over your thoughts that somehow you can get through to her when everybody else has failed.

I've tried to keep this as kind as possible, but I'll tell you now it is not your business. It isn't. No matter how much you love your boyfriend, stay out of this. Her problems are hers to fix, his problems are his to fix, and your problems are yours to fix.

Read a lot more of the posts here, a lot more, and combined with Al-Anon I believe you will find the answers you are looking for.

Take care,

Cyranoak
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